Am I becoming paranoid?

[hope]

I have previously discussed my situation that my sister-in-law seems to be trying to isolate her parents from the rest of the family. We have just survived the usual disruptive behaviour during the festive season and were trying to regroup thinking it would be some months before the next “outbreak”. Unfortunately, an elderly family member for whom we care has been seriously ill in hospital over the past weeks.

While we are trying to cope with travelling, hospital visits and caring for their elderly partner, my sister-in-law is up to her usual tricks. She has been offering reports to various family members like she has been talking to the Doctors, which she hasn’t.  She has been operating in the background with the usual undermining behaviour while offering no constructive help.Some passing comments by various family members leads us to believe that even the partner of the person in hospital (who doesn’t have family of their own) has apparently been getting negative comments made about them to others.  This is reinforcing my thoughts about her isolating her parents as they seem to believe her and repeat the information as facts.


I know that I will never change her so please tell me how I can stop the unhealthy paranoia I am developing as I become even more aware of the fantasies she is telling other people to make herself look good and put others down. It is also becoming very unsettling when family members are beginning to call to find out what is actually happening rather than the dramatised, inaccurate version they have been receiving. I wait in dread as people discover the untruths that will possibly lead to another abusive phone call.

[Kwamina]

I know that I will never change her so please tell me how I can stop the unhealthy paranoia I am developing as I become even more aware of the fantasies she is telling other people to make herself look good and put others down.

Since your sister is actually fabricating stories, I wouldn't say you're becoming paranoid. You're seeing reality for what it is and I understand how unpleasant these 'fairy tales' can be. People choose to believe what they want to believe. Your sister is only giving her side of the story but if other family-members choose to believe her version of events without any supporting evidence, that's something they gotta live with.

Do you feel the need to defend yourself against these stories? Perhaps it will help to keep reminding you that no matter what she says or does, it most likely isn't a reflection of who you truly are. It's most likely only a reflection of her own inner turmoil and negativity. This won't change the reality of her fabricating stories, but repeating this to yourself will help you stay calm and not let her get to you so much. It will help you not take her behavior personally. Easier said that done of course, I realize that  But over time I think it can help.

It might also help to drastically lower the expectations you have of your sister-in-law. Instead of worrying about what she might do next and if she's gonna behave or not, fully expect her to misbehave and prepare yourself for it based on your past experiences with her.

Do you feel like these tips might be helpful in your situation?

[hope]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful words. Obviously some other family members must be starting to see through the stories or they wouldn't be double checking the facts, so that makes me feel a little better.  You're right, those that believe clearly untrue tales when there is no evidence (or at times contradictory evidence) have got to see things for themselves or live with it.

It is not so much that I feel the need to defend myself as they are often large entangled stories involving a number of family members. It is probably the injustice of it all that angers me more than anything. Innocent bystanders are caught up in her negativity.

Most times, particularly since becoming aware of BPD, I can see the patterns which are resulting in my parents-in-laws acting like there is only one in the family as she isolates them more and more.  I feel at times the children and grandchildren are not receiving the attention that they should be because one member of the family is such high maintenance. After reading your reply I’m starting to think that it is them that are missing out and not the rest of the family.

At times there has been ill feeling and unkind words spoken based on complete fabrications eg. We were challenged by my mother-in-law that we had not attended a birthday dinner for her that my sister-in-law had invited us to and had gone to be with my family instead. What actually happened was that we had not been invited to the dinner and were not with my family either. We were at our home unaware of any gathering and would still be unaware if my mother-in-law had not chosen to reprimand us for not attending. She was going to “speak to her” when we pointed out that we didn’t know what she was talking about but of course nothing changed.

It has been good to discuss these matters for the first time with people who understand how isolating all of this feels. Thank you for these tips. I’ll print them out and refer to them as they certainly address a lot of the issues, particularly regarding not taking her behaviour personally and not worrying about what she might so next,  which is very tiring.

Thank you again, I somehow feel a little stronger

[Kwamina]

Thank you again, I somehow feel a little stronger

You're welcome! Glad I could be of some help here

It has been good to discuss these matters for the first time with people who understand how isolating all of this feels. Thank you for these tips. I’ll print them out and refer to them as they certainly address a lot of the issues, particularly regarding not taking her behaviour personally and not worrying about what she might so next,  which is very tiring.

I know what you mean, it can be a very isolating experience when you feel like no one can truly relate to what you're going through. Many of our members know what it's like to deal with someone with BPD in the family and that really makes it a lot easier to discuss these things.

It always helps to have your 'battle' plan ready so printing the tips out might really come in handy

At times there has been ill feeling and unkind words spoken based on complete fabrications eg. We were challenged by my mother-in-law that we had not attended a birthday dinner for her that my sister-in-law had invited us to and had gone to be with my family instead. What actually happened was that we had not been invited to the dinner and were not with my family either. We were at our home unaware of any gathering and would still be unaware if my mother-in-law had not chosen to reprimand us for not attending. She was going to “speak to her” when we pointed out that we didn’t know what she was talking about but of course nothing changed.

An unpleasant situation indeed. Your sister-in-law was wrong to tell these lies but it also says a lot about your mother-in-law that she just believed her daughter and started challenging you. Even after you told her what really happened she decided not to confront her daughter. How would you describe the relationship between your sister-in-law (SIL) and mother-in-law (MIL)? Do you feel like your SIL manipulates your MIL or perhaps also that your MIL is actually a willing participant in all of this?

[hope]

Hi and thanks again.

I'm not sure of the correct terminology but the word that would best describe my SIL and MIL would be "enmeshed" in one another's lives. My MIL is likewise a very manipulative person and even some family/friends have made comments over time about the two of them like "what... .wants... .gets" and "... .is like her mother, it’s her way or no way".

I know my MIL has definitely told stories to my FIL to turn him against his siblings and other family members. I have even suspected at times that my MIL is also BPD but having had your feedback and having time to think about it, it might be that she was just very manipulating and is also now lying to cover for my SIL’s catastrophes (affairs, multiple relationships with partners with questionable backgrounds, needing money due to a financially precarious lifestyle etc. etc.). Maybe my SIL has learnt a lot of her deception skills from my MIL.

I was interested to read some of the posts that spoke about secrets and lies. These words describe exactly how these two operate and it is affecting the whole family. They seem to be working on the premise that if she cannot behave in an appropriate manner then everyone else’s character should be dragged down to make her look better. As I have said, this often involves complete fabrications.

Thank you again for your comments as they are really helping to clarify things that have had me in a state of confusion, and at times isolation, for years