Assimilated by Borg

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have had this wonderful internal shift.

I have been spending time trying to get unplugged from The Collective by disentangling my codependency with uBPD/NPDm.

Attempts are foiled by all the usual suspects - wanting her to love me, thinking if I just say things the right way she'll hear me, guilt, fear,deception, uncertainty that I can make it on my own. You name it.

It all just gets in the way of making my thoughts match my feelings.

But I have something now.

I have long known she whines about me behind my back and finally have had my sister tell me the actual words that have been said. Having proof goes a long way to building my confidence that what I guess is actually what is.

My sister tells me that my mother says I won't hang out with her because she doesn't listen to me.

Gasp! She KNOWS! Dangit all to heaven and hell she KNOWS!

That means that all this time she has been deliberately not listening.

I read somewhere that narcissists use your hurt feelings as a pain killing drug.

It makes SO much sense.

All this time I thought she was just more interested in saying what she was thinking rather than that she was actually ignoring my requests:

"Please Mum, don't tell that story about how the puppy got hurt. Please Mum don't talk about the details of colonic irrigation; please Mum listen to me because this thing that happened really hurt me and I need to talk about it; please Mum, don't keep telling me that sleazy rude poem with bad language that hurts my ears and my heart."

I thought she was just batting away my requests. Now, NOW I see that she was deliberately continuing in order to get my reaction.

Whether it be horror or sadness or distress or frustration - any emotion to get a response.

FINALLY my logic matches my feelings.

FINALLY I believe it is the truth.

And I suddenly feel much much taller. The fear and confusion is replaced by something knowing.

By truth.

And as usual, I wish to check my experience against other people's.

Have you experienced anything like that? Where you realised you weren't being ignored, you were actually being carefully if secretly observed to see your reaction? Is that the emotional vampirism people talk about? I am so so intrigued by these ideas.

Do tell!

Zigz

[Ziggiddy]

I have had this wonderful internal shift.

I have been spending time trying to get unplugged from The Collective by disentangling my codependency with uBPD/NPDm.

Attempts are foiled by all the usual suspects - wanting her to love me, thinking if I just say things the right way she'll hear me, guilt, fear,deception, uncertainty that I can make it on my own. You name it.

It all just gets in the way of making my thoughts match my feelings.

But I have something now.

I have long known she whines about me behind my back and finally have had my sister tell me the actual words that have been said. Having proof goes a long way to building my confidence that what I guess is actually what is.

My sister tells me that my mother says I won't hang out with her because she doesn't listen to me.

Gasp! She KNOWS! Dangit all to heaven and hell she KNOWS!

That means that all this time she has been deliberately not listening.

I read somewhere that narcissists use your hurt feelings as a pain killing drug.

It makes SO much sense.

All this time I thought she was just more interested in saying what she was thinking rather than that she was actually ignoring my requests:

"Please Mum, don't tell that story about how the puppy got hurt. Please Mum don't talk about the details of colonic irrigation; please Mum listen to me because this thing that happened really hurt me and I need to talk about it; please Mum, don't keep telling me that sleazy rude poem with bad language that hurts my ears and my heart."

I thought she was just batting away my requests. Now, NOW I see that she was deliberately continuing in order to get my reaction.

Whether it be horror or sadness or distress or frustration - any emotion to get a response.

FINALLY my logic matches my feelings.

FINALLY I believe it is the truth.

And I suddenly feel much much taller. The fear and confusion is replaced by something knowing.

By truth.

And as usual, I wish to check my experience against other people's.

Have you experienced anything like that? Where you realised you weren't being ignored, you were actually being carefully if secretly observed to see your reaction? Is that the emotional vampirism people talk about? I am so so intrigued by these ideas.

Do tell!

Zigz

[peachybear]

My boyfriend who has a BPD mother and has recently told me he sees a lot of BPD characteristics in himself does that to me all the time. He finds hateful and bigoted youtube videos (something i just cannot stand) and plays them, refusing to turn them off and will even restrain me from turning them off myself. He's not hateful or bigoted himself but hearing that sort of stuff ruins my day and just gets me in the very worst mood.

Do you think its the same thing going on? I dont think he's a narcissist though... .

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Peachybear

yeah I guess that is what I mean.

Your reply has helped clarify something: like are they doing it just because they are being ignorant and boorish and ignoring your needs? That your getting hurt is just 'collateral damage' from them going ahead and doing it anyway, or is it to pointedly get a rise out of you?

I think it matters as one is just ignorant where the other is actually quite sick.

I don't necessarily think that it is a function of narcissism just that someone had written that about a narcissist.

Do you think he does it to upset you? it's pretty bad behaviour to do that. And not only to subject you to it, to prevent you from escaping it. Really bad behaviour.

Do you think it's something he was taught to do by his BPD mother? or is it from himself?

[Harri]

Ziggiddy, you are proof that resistance is *not* futile.    

Attempts are foiled by all the usual suspects - wanting her to love me, thinking if I just say things the right way she'll hear me, guilt, fear,deception, uncertainty that I can make it on my own. You name it.

Well, you overcame those suspects  by listening to your gut, using your intellect and truth. 

I can't say my mother ever deliberately goaded me like yours did.  My ex did a bit of it though not nearly to the same extreme.  I never really thought too much about it, I just put it in the jerky behaviors pile with him.  I can relate to wanting to be heard and having my voice ignored or dismissed though and things that bothered me minimized or mocked.  I would imagine that having your mother deliberately goad you would be so very hurtful and incredibly frustrating... .but you defeated it.   

Well, here's to celebrating internal shifts! 

The fear and confusion is replaced by something knowing.

By truth.

I am sure it hurt and the shift was hard won, but good for you for finding the positive and standing taller.   

[Panda39]

Hi Ziggiddy,

I'm here because my SO has a uBPDxw so don't have a BPD parent.  However, in other areas of my life I have had those "Ah Ha" epiphanies where something just clicks into place and makes absolute sense. Where you are outside of yourself watching objectively and you notice something for the first time that leads you to make connections you never have before. Then those connections lead to a shift in your thinking.

I think you have had one of those enlightening moments. Good for you 

I know this sounds a little weird but I always weep when those moments have happened in my life they just seem to reach deep down and touch something or fix something that was broken. 

I always enjoy your posts I keep seeing you push forward (even when going back to visit your inner child  ) connecting the dots and growing.  Keep doing what your doing I look forward to following your journey.

[Kwamina]

Oh no not the Borg  Please unplug en detangle yourself Ziggidy

This Star Trek analogy is interesting:

We are the Borg. Lower your shields and surrender your ships. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile.

Translation:

Lower your shields --> Don't set and/or enforce boundaries

We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own --> You aren't an individual, you're a part of us

Your culture will adapt to service us --> You must place our wants and needs first

Resistance is futile --> Abandon all hope ye who enter here

It seems like hope has been restored though. The futility of resistance wasn't such a permanent thing after all and has been overcome by the power of hope

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Panda - thank you for your lovely comment! There's a great continuity to this forum and I love to see the forward march as it were.

I admit I struggle a great deal with people who have had partners wBPD and I am impressed at the people who take them on. you must have some special skills!

And I think I know what you mean about being moved by those moments of epiphany. i call it the Oranges. the Screaming Oranges. I am writing a book about it and I just figured out the titles!

In Breakfast at Epiphanies   , the main character Holly Golightly has the mean reds. I totally got what she meant.

in fact when i reread the book I reckoned that Truman Capote totally TOTALLY had a handle on BPD because she (Holly) is a classic case.

Kwamina - yes i really really think Borg is such an excellent symbol for  pwBPD. Who needs boundaries when you are part of the Collective. the only downside is the loss of individuality 

But some of us get away. And all we have to show for it is a bit of hardware stuck under our eye!