Am i wrong for actually trying to get her back, does she have BPD

[ReneS]

Does she have BPD ? today i talked to a psychotherapist, she agreed. In July we were dating but suddenly she left, no answers nothing, no indications something was wrong. at work however she started to play the hot and cold game. every time i responded to her flirting , she would go cold ASAP. People already warned me than that she is crazy and she is seeing multiple men or goes from one men to another in a blink of an eye. well apperantly she had a bf in august, and he was to move in, so she claimed. but when she talked about him i got the feeling she didnt really like him. so after 7 weeks of games i confronted her, at her house and told her you still like me. that day we had sex for the first time, several other times followed. she got pregnant , and i was going through hell, she was really indecisive about having the child or not. eventually she had a miscarriage,.

not long after she miscarried, she started to hang around with someone from her past, only 2 weeks after that she drank 3 bottles of whiskey on 1 evening with some other people at her place, with a 7yo in the house. i felt she was sliping away from me, we remained intimate but she was no longer the loving person. she got irritated quickly, had massive mood swings, and would play with my feelings and mind, and when ever i responded to her, she said, i only spoke bad about her . this guy slept over at her place and to her thats the most normal thing in the world.

so also lies about how many men she has seen and just calls them all, a friend. to her they are just friends,

signs why i think she has borderline.

-never takes responsibility for her own mistakes ( everything is my fault, incl.the miscarriage )

-conversations are impossible ( childish responses )

-in her eyes im crazy, ( she is completely normal : projecting )

-dillusional ( she is scared of me for no obvious reason )

-she lies and manipulates a lot .

- when we had sex , she was laughing

- lives in a complete black and white fantasy world ( she told that her bf was going to move in, after she cheated on him and she was still pregnant from me )

- sees , younger and older men, to me she is looking for validation

- she told me she is narcistic, she only cares about herself ( today i asked her if she loved her daughter, and she couldnt directly answer it

- she has a dissorted view ( even after terlling me she is seeing a new one, lets see how long he lasts , it almost sounded like she suggested we get back together after a few months rest .

- she treatens to call the police with lies

- she is a controll freak

- the list goes on and on... .

tell me do you think she has BPD, i stronlgy suspect she does.

[JRT]

Sorry to hear that you are going through all of this... .the criteria for her to be BPD are here, she needs to demonstrate only 5 of them... .it sounds like she is BPD and more:

1)   Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

      Note:  Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior*** covered in Criterion 5.

2)   A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between  extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3)  Identity disturbance:  markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4)   Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

Note:  Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior*** covered in Criterion 5.

5)   Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior***.

6)   Affective [mood] instability.

7)   Chronic feelings of emptiness.

8)   Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9)   Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

*Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, published by the American Psychiatric Association

** Data collected informally from many families indicate this pattern of symptoms may appear as early as the pre-teens

***The preferred term is self-harm or self-injury

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Rene,

I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. You mentioned that you want your SO back. Does a "diagnosis" help that decision? Are you basing that on the behavior she did or currently does?

[ReneS]

Sorry to hear that you are going through all of this... .the criteria for her to be BPD are here, she needs to demonstrate only 5 of them... .it sounds like she is BPD and more:

1)   Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

      Note:  Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior*** covered in Criterion 5.

2)   A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between  extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3)  Identity disturbance:  markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4)   Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

Note:  Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior*** covered in Criterion 5.

5)   Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior***.

6)   Affective [mood] instability.

7)   Chronic feelings of emptiness.

8)   Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9)   Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

*Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, published by the American Psychiatric Association

** Data collected informally from many families indicate this pattern of symptoms may appear as early as the pre-teens

***The preferred term is self-harm or self-injury

Yes i agree with some of these points, she also extremely controlling, its always about her wanting to see me, not the other way around. in my opinion , if you are in love you like to spend time with the person you love. sometimes i asked her if she wanted me to come over , sometimes she said no and 1 hour later asks me where i am.

she used sex to controll me withholding it from me, making me crazy for sex but eventually she would just tell me not to touch her, only when she wanted to.

its impossible to talk with her or have a normal conversation, i tried today on the phone and again she was very inconsistent with what she was saying, clearly getting upset when she got confronted with alligations other people made. its hard, i love this girl but she doesnt care about my feelings, i dont even think she really cares about her daughter. today i asked her that question, do you love your daughter, it took her some times to mumble yes i do, and she gets angry because i tell her that smoking is bad, and i asked her, what if your little girl wants you to stop smoking. she says she doesnt care. she is extremely insane

[ReneS]

Hi Rene,

I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. You mentioned that you want your SO back. Does a "diagnosis" help that decision? Are you basing that on the behavior she did or currently does?

i dont know if i want her back, only if she is willing to change and look for help. but to her im crazy and even her family who never met me, think im crazy. i think there are mental issues in her family, her mother is also single, and now started dating a younger guy, much younger who is into drugs.  the ex of this girl is in jail, and already tried to take away his child from her, and i think with good reason. i wouldnt trust her with my child,

to her its also not normal that i would buy her gifts or write her texts that i love her, i never wrote her anything strange, and now she even says i annoyed her by coming by to much, i went often to her place and in the beginning she ignored me and so on, and when i asked her if she wanted me to leave, she always told me no stay a bit... .

in my opinion she is extremely crazy and irresponsible. she also told me if i ever show up at her place again, she will move back to her country or call the police. i never did her any wrong and all i ever wanted is to share my concerns with her but thats not possible.

[EaglesJuju]

i dont know if i want her back... .in my opinion she is extremely crazy and irresponsible. she also told me if i ever show up at her place again, she will move back to her country or call the police. i never did her any wrong and all i ever wanted is to share my concerns with her but thats not possible.

I can understand how you may be indecisive. Think about what you wrote here.  Do you want that in your life?

[JRT]

no one here is better equipped to determine if she is BPD or not more than you given the criteria above... .the more that you learn about it, the more you will see what makes sense according to you behavior

You may also determine why your attraction or loyalty to her is so intense... .as far as the threat to call the polices, this is a clear declaration of her boundary... .where i entirely empathize as to why you would be willing to cross it, it is probably better to let her go off and get her head together... .the more you push, the more that you will push her away... .if there is any hope of saving things, start doing that RIGHT NOW as impossible as it seems and as painful as it will be.

During that time, you may want to do as Rene suggested... .is this REALLY the right person for you? Start a spreadsheet and entitle it 'assets vs. liabilities' ... .do the work... .you might surprise yourself.

[ReneS]

no one here is better equipped to determine if she is BPD or not more than you given the criteria above... .the more that you learn about it, the more you will see what makes sense according to you behavior

You may also determine why your attraction or loyalty to her is so intense... .as far as the threat to call the polices, this is a clear declaration of her boundary... .where i entirely empathize as to why you would be willing to cross it, it is probably better to let her go off and get her head together... .the more you push, the more that you will push her away... .if there is any hope of saving things, start doing that RIGHT NOW as impossible as it seems and as painful as it will be.

During that time, you may want to do as Rene suggested... .is this REALLY the right person for you? Start a spreadsheet and entitle it 'assets vs. liabilities' ... .do the work... .you might surprise yourself.

you mean that there is some hope she will come back if i stop contacting her, maybe there is, i dont know, should i block her , does that make her angry enough to regret or not?

at the same time do i want someone like her in my life, she is manipulating me in such a way that i start to think im crazy, and that its normall that she goes from guy to guy, having guys sleeping over like its no business, kids sleep over at her place, and today i asked her if she ever really liked me and she says, what a stupid kiddie questions, only kids ask something like that. how does nc work, and how do these lunatics respond to it. yes the more i push the more she pulls away, i tested this, sometimes i stop replying to her texts and she would start to write me more.

yes i feel hurt because i never did her any wrong, and here i am, feeling like im a horrible person  :'(

[JRT]

well; you are NOT a horrible person. We all have our flaws but you have to understand that you are dealing with a person that LOOKS normal and even act normally but have a mental illness. The popular concept os someone who is mentally ill is someone who drools, babbles nonsense and lies in a mixture of their own excrement. Mental illness is certainly not limited to this.

No one can tell your heart to do what it must or must not do except for you. If you do it right, you will take the time out to make an unemotional decision about your feeling for her and whether or not you should continue to have a relationship with her. You WILL be affected by her if she continues to call and upset you. NC might be the best thing as difficult as it seems... .you have to be strong about this.