Implosion - please help me

[morganc]

If anyone has the honest ability to read my story below (it's long but I skip a LOT of details to try to shorten it) then thank you so much.  I'm an almost 30 year old young woman.  Was raised by a BPD/alcoholic mother and an alcoholic/Bipolar (or something similar) dad.  There was violence.  He hit her often - but she raged too.  they fed each other.  I grew up terrified of everything but remember very little except always being scared and a few instances of extreme violence that could have resulted in death.  MIRACULOUSLY I turned out pretty well.  Sure, I've got issues - but I'm not a drunk - hold down a demanding job and function socially pretty alright all things considered.  Sure I've got intimacy issues but that's the least of my worries. 

After I graduated college in '08 I moved far away from home.  Dad was out of my life at this point (I've permanently removed that monster from my life) but my mom I "allowed" to torture me emotionally my entire life.  She is up one minute and down the next.  High low and every color in-between.  She'd try to be my bff for 1 month - then disappear for 7.  then resurface and act as if nothing was ever wrong.  I get so tied up and frustrated inside I have no idea how I've kept my sanity.  in 2012 I got a phone call from an old family friend who said they had to put mom in rehab (alcohol) due to suicide threats.  granted, she makes all sorts of threats - mainly for attention.  so I was supportive, because that's what kids are supposed to do.  she got out of rehab and, although she was sober, none of her behavior patterns changed and she continued her cycle of pathological lying.  so I "cut her off" again and went about my life trying my best to ignore her while she imploded as she always does.  about a year later I got a call from a different family friend (mom had burned her bridge with the first one by now) saying she was threatening suicide again.  so I was supportive again.  And guess what... .?  she didn't kill herself.  not only that, but when we placed her under two different 3-day psychiatric holds she lied to the doctors and told them she didn't understand why she was there and that she "wasn't suicidal and her daughter has always been abusive towards her"  (I know this because I have seen the Dr's notes from her stay).  The Dr's wrote that she was experiencing psychosis.  She stood me up for Thanksgiving in 2013 after I had been supportive of her.  Didn't hear from her for THIRTEEN MONTHS.  So this Christmas (2014) I get an email ON Christmas morning.  Two sentences saying she missed me.  Two sentences!  she's been gone with no explanation for 13 months and I get two lousy sentences!  the eternal optimist in me wanted to believe that maybe something had transpired in these past 13 months that FINALLY got thru to her.  So I called.  the first two conversations were about her microwave (so deep and meaningful huh?) but I let it slide because I figured it took incredible courage for her to even contact me at all.  Then I started prodding and asking deeper questions.  After about a week she had me convinced she was doing remarkably well.  She said she had ceased communication with me because "she was melting and needed to go away and heal on her own".  Ok.  Fair enough.  I didn't agree with it, but everyone is different and she's the only family member I have left.  I kid you not - about 8 days after Christmas she texts me that she "just got fired because the company she works for can no longer afford to keep her" and only 2 days after that she called me to say "I think God wants us to be closer - I want to be a Christian mother to you"  All that sounds good on the surface so I told her "of course I endorse you and I healing"  and so the past couple weeks has been her furiously searching for a job where I live.  (I live in a major city in TX and she currently lives in MO)  This past Friday I went to see a therapist just to get my mind clear and he strongly advised against her moving here and told me it sounds like she's a classic case of BPD.  I'd never been aware of what she suffers from exactly - but ALL the symptoms fit her to a "T".  But my dilemma is this:  I've decided I do NOT want her here and now she is hell-bent on moving here.  She's actually already updated her LinkedIn to say she lives here!  I'm so terrified of what mess is upon my life.  I've worked so hard as a young adult to GET AWAY from MO and all the drama she created there.  And now she's determined to move here and is completely delusional about thinking "God wants her to".  There's nothing Godly about her - she's possessed by a demon as far as I'm concerned and I was emotionally manipulated into thinking her coming here was a good idea and I'm afraid it's too late to stop her.  She's a CPA so she'll have no problem finding work wherever she wants to.

Anyone who knows what I'm going through - please help me.  I've got fellow mature Christians praying for me right now, but I'm looking for some online support too, as I can't just lean on my friends in real life 100% of the time...   I'd like to get support in multiple places so I don't burn any one person out.

This is exhausting.  Emotional Terrorism.  :-(

[Harri]

Hi morgan.  It is good to see you here as this is a place where lots of people can support and understand.

I am not sure how you can stop her from moving to your city if she is determined to move there.  Short of a miracle that is, so keep praying!  It may be best for now to focus on how you can maintain distance from her should she move there.  I imagine you would not want her staying with you so make that clear to her.  If it were me, I would not even let her stay a night or two as that can be extended and then extended and become quite the mess.  The other thing is for you to start working on deciding what your boundaries are and how you will maintain them.  Boundaries will keep you safe and can help you stay clear headed during interactions with your mother.

Reading your post I was struck by just how supportive and caring you have been.  I admire that but I can also hear that you are tired of her behavior.  Would you feel comfortable telling her that while you do care, you can not really trust her to not pull her disappearing act after the way she has done that very thing time after time?  Do you want a "christian mother" when you are almost 30?  It sounds like you are more than capable of taking care of yourself... .how would you feel telling her that?  (Forgive me, while I was raised Christian, I have no idea what a Christian mother is and all I can envision is a smothering interfering, abuse-me-with-biblical-quotes woman chasing me around so my comments may be way off here.  No offense is intended). 

I've decided I do NOT want her here and now she is hell-bent on moving here.  She's actually already updated her LinkedIn to say she lives here!  I'm so terrified of what mess is upon my life.  I've worked so hard as a young adult to GET AWAY from MO and all the drama she created there.  And now she's determined to move here and is completely delusional about thinking "God wants her to".

Morgan, if I were in your position I would be nervous and worried too.  But it is doable.    If she does move there, there are ways to communicate and interact with her where you maintain your own life and minimize any damage or interference from her.  Think of this as an opportunity to erect and enforce boundaries (which are always good things to have) and to learn how to temper what seems to be a natural (and wonderful) sense of compassion, patience and forgiveness.  Those are wonderful qualities, but sometimes they can work against us when dealing with family members with BPD.

Did your counselor have any constructive advice for how to handle things?  Suggestions for how to get her to not move (I can't think of any)?  Or offer to help you work things through in terms of how you can do some of the things I mentioned above?

Keep posting morgan.  We can support you as you strategize and figure things out at the very least.

[Suzn]

Welcome Morgan. You've come to the right place.

about 8 days after Christmas she texts me that she "just got fired because the company she works for can no longer afford to keep her"

First of all, this is what she is telling you. Who knows what really happened after hearing about her past.

She's a CPA so she'll have no problem finding work wherever she wants to.

Maybe. Maybe not. Job references go a long way and if she's left her last job on not so good terms (or any other recent jobs) it may be a hindrance.

This is exhausting.  Emotional Terrorism.  :-(

It sure can be. It may be helpful to let her know how busy you are with work and such. Having contact only when you feel up to it. I agree with not letting her stay with you, not even one night. It would be good to start talking about whether she has found a place to live... that will likely go right into her expectations. Whether or not she expects to stay with you. Will you be able to say no? It's a good idea to have these conversations before she leaves MO.

This may all be for nothing, even if she has already changed her linkedin. She may disappear again. 

[HadleyatHome]

I am new here but can say that my MIL who shows all symptoms of BPD has said she will move to our town for years. She only lives 2 hours away but rarely shows up. She seems to like the illusion of closeness or want "credit" for saying she wants this but she never ever follows through. You sound so strong to have made it through all you have, and I certainly hope that she does not follow through. But everyone above has made great points, and it may make you feel better to have a plan for worst case scenario. We are not much help but have found changing our cell numbers or blocking her number and telling her we prefer email only contact helps create distance and delayed responses. Wish I could be more help, but wishing you the best!