glad to know I'm not alone

[confused girlfriend]

I met him 8 months ago. He's good looking, charming, intelligent and a genuinely sweet and caring man, but then he isn't. He told me straight away he has been in trouble with the law drinking and driving and lost his licence which cost him his job. So now he hasn't worked in 3 years, he lives with his Dad who supports him. When he drinks things get bad. He starts accusing me of ridiculous things, calling me names and just all around horrible. He then will throw me out and then call me\text me these delusional things. The next morning he apologizes and is so sweet and remorseful I go back. Then find he is still drinking and is just cycling. These binges last 5-7 days and 3 days to recover. My family doesn't get it. I see the good in him and what he can be if he stops drinking and takes his meds. I just love him so much but feel like he is breaking me down.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Stalwart]

Hi Sweetheart:

I feel for the situation you find yourself in and so many of us here started out in like situations being really sympathetic to the situations of another human being and thinking WE were the ones' who could HELP them.

It's so apparent you care for this person. That's a wonderful attribute. You are not alone. Millions live in what you're just entering into for long-term relationships. I can only give you a small bit of advice and that's to better familiarize yourself with the situations of a few of those millions. There wouldn't seem to be a lot of history or inter related need to make the choice of staying in the situation you're in. It's early for you. I'm not saying by any means to desert the situation you're in. I am saying maybe you should take some time from reading stories from others experiences what that can turn out to be before you make commitments and financial and more emotional commitments that might moor you into your decision for other reasons other than just sympathy and love.

Learning is everything to making really good decisions sweetie and I don't mean just good decisions for you but also for him, your family, his and all the other friends that will be enmeshed as part of your relationship to him.

Whatever decision you make sweetheart I really, really hope for all of you it's an informed one and that it results in happiness.

[vortex of confusion]

I would recommend reading through the lessons on the right side of the forum and arm yourself with as much knowledge as possible. It sounds like you need information about BPD and alcoholism so that you know what these behaviors look like and how to deal with them.

Also, it sounds like you need to make sure that you have some really firm boundaries in place. If you don't have boundaries that you are very clear on, then things can get really bad for you.

This person is who he is. Be realistic. It isn't likely that he is going to change. Ask yourself whether or not you think you can live with the behavior he has been exhibiting. If you don't think you can live with it, then you might want to rethink your decision to stay in the relationship. Don't delude yourself into thinking that he will be great IF he takes his medicine, doesn't drink, etc. He has an established pattern of behavior where he drinks and doesn't take his medicine. Don't go into things thinking that he will change. If you can't accept him for who he is RIGHT NOW, then it probably isn't a good idea to continue the relationship.

[JohnLove]

I am saying maybe you should take some time from reading stories from others experiences what that can turn out to be before you make commitments and financial and more emotional commitments that might moor you into your decision for other reasons other than just sympathy and love.

Love is a two way relationship. It is give and take on both sides whether human or animal. Animals can love. Love is a reciprocal arrangement. Anything else is not love but "something else". If we want to go into true love or deep love in its purest form it does not "switch" on and off.

I want everyone to understand at least that much when they use that word.

[maxsterling]

 

I'd like to welcome you here   By what you said - it certainly sound like you found the right place.  Many of us struggle with the same confusion from being with someone who is awesome one minute, but nearly impossible the next.  And you are right, it does wear you down.   The information on this website can help you restore some order to the chaos.  And you will be amongst people who know just how you feel - the confusion, the heartache, the frustration, and the hurt.   

Is he actually diagnosed BPD?  Or do you just suspect it?  Many people seem to deal with pwBPD, but few people ever know that BPD is what they are dealing with. 

Again, welcome!