Hello-- Tired Non disengaging

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello to everyone on this forum- thank you for this support site!

I joined years ago apparently- but am back again. Eight years of dealing with a BPD partner who again just dumped me for the umteenth time.

He moved out three months ago but we're in contact. I'm supposed to be studying for my master's degree comprehensive exam on Tues. but here I

am- hyperfocusing on his intolerable behavior instead. I'll be brief- I let him go and then grieved hard for months. Am in therapy, have been in therapy,

and to make it worst- am almost a therapist myself now! So glass half full- I was so motivated to make it work that I learned alot. Obviously not enough

though. We have been communicating by skype and text- and low and behold he's finally, finally (again) in therapy where he lives in Colo. I live in a state

nearby.

But today, after blowing me off on my birthday passive agressively, and then today turning on me during his birthday skype chat-

I was again the brunt of his seething hatred, black and white thinking, and distorted thought process. I was also dumped. With my exam

pending, I had thought that resuming contact would help me stop crying. It did for awhile. There were good and very upsetting 'visits' from him, which

of course included paying for his gas, etc. He went too far today.

Wishing I could just turn the 'logical' switch on and run like hell this time fully and completely after being dumped two days before my comp exam.

In some way it's funny because I was so blinded by hope. He's also a recovering alcoholic who is back to full time drinking. Can you see how foolish

I am yet? I feel awful for having tried to mitigate the grief by opening my heart and home to him after all the pain and loss he's caused. But I did.

And now- am backing fully away all over again. For my own well being- he doesn't give a rats ass about my feelings unless it has something to do

with his neediness. I feel resentment, obviously. And I'm just tired of babysitting him. Enough. But truly- how does one disengage from an

unhealthy relationship? I tried cold turkey months ago and failed miserably at it- as in, I couldn't stop weeping. The crying triggered my own

trauma issues and I was an emotional mess. That didn't fare well for my master's program or myself. So I opened the door again to contact.

And in the end- he's done it again. Seeking to grow enough to finally cut him out of my life once and for all. Seeking support to do so.

I'm the one that needs to heal, as a NON, and admitting that isn't easy. But I see the cords I need to cut and just feel fear.

Anyway, I'm sure none of this is a surprise to anyone here, and I humbly welcome advice and support. Lost yet another full study day today

focusing on his emotional cruelty which in turn sabotaged my own studying. P.S. he's very, very jealous of my progress toward my degree.

Very much so.

Exam literally hours away at this point and instead of studying, I'm still... .hyperfocused on his sickness. He's a lost cause in my rational mind-

yet my heart is still 'hooked in' to the cycle. Can NON's heal from the need to even be with a BPD? We have no children, and he blew three,

yes three wedding dates. The more I write the more I see my own dysfunction in this cycle and just feel awful. He lived in my house without

a bill in his name off and on for eight years. Now he's back in his little trailer in Colo and can't pay his bills- what's new with that? I'm no longer

'helping him' and he's now turned to his "drinking buddies" for loans, temp labor work, etc. This one guy he knows- the town liquor store manager

and (formally illegal) pot dealer is his 'only friend' there. But the guy's almost too willing to take him back into his life as his little side kick.

It's sort of gross actually, but I feel jealous about how fast he emotionally abandonded me again- and is now clinging to his 'friend' as

he refers to him. I should be cheering, but I feel emotionally betrayed all over again. Instead of returning to use the welding degree I fully

supported him to get- after he's done with three rounds of DBT therapy there- he's suddenly decided to grow pot for the guy and bail on

all our future plans. Yet again. Fed up with his behavior. Know I deserve a healthy man- but cutting this looser off and healing myself are a part

of that process of creation.

Seeking support so I can finally cut this ill man loose and let him live his life there- with his 'real buddy' as he calls him. Sick stuff. Real sick stuff.

Eight years of my life- I've stayed in the dance 8 years too long. Want out fully once and for all, but to protect myself through the process both

emotionally and physically from his extreme mood swings. Seeking support to heal my addiction to this one damaged man on the planet so I can

get on with my LIFE. Yet still wishing he would 'heal enough to function' in the relationship. Not gonna happen- I'm in denial over that reality.  

thank you,

Embarrassed and Very Tired Non  

[NONdisengaging]

Hello to everyone on this forum- thank you for this support site!

I joined years ago apparently- but am back again. Eight years of dealing with a BPD partner who again just dumped me for the umteenth time.

He moved out three months ago but we're in contact. I'm supposed to be studying for my master's degree comprehensive exam on Tues. but here I

am- hyperfocusing on his intolerable behavior instead. I'll be brief- I let him go and then grieved hard for months. Am in therapy, have been in therapy,

and to make it worst- am almost a therapist myself now! So glass half full- I was so motivated to make it work that I learned alot. Obviously not enough

though. We have been communicating by skype and text- and low and behold he's finally, finally (again) in therapy where he lives in Colo. I live in a state

nearby.

But today, after blowing me off on my birthday passive agressively, and then today turning on me during his birthday skype chat-

I was again the brunt of his seething hatred, black and white thinking, and distorted thought process. I was also dumped. With my exam

pending, I had thought that resuming contact would help me stop crying. It did for awhile. There were good and very upsetting 'visits' from him, which

of course included paying for his gas, etc. He went too far today.

Wishing I could just turn the 'logical' switch on and run like hell this time fully and completely after being dumped two days before my comp exam.

In some way it's funny because I was so blinded by hope. He's also a recovering alcoholic who is back to full time drinking. Can you see how foolish

I am yet? I feel awful for having tried to mitigate the grief by opening my heart and home to him after all the pain and loss he's caused. But I did.

And now- am backing fully away all over again. For my own well being- he doesn't give a rats ass about my feelings unless it has something to do

with his neediness. I feel resentment, obviously. And I'm just tired of babysitting him. Enough. But truly- how does one disengage from an

unhealthy relationship? I tried cold turkey months ago and failed miserably at it- as in, I couldn't stop weeping. The crying triggered my own

trauma issues and I was an emotional mess. That didn't fare well for my master's program or myself. So I opened the door again to contact.

And in the end- he's done it again. Seeking to grow enough to finally cut him out of my life once and for all. Seeking support to do so.

I'm the one that needs to heal, as a NON, and admitting that isn't easy. But I see the cords I need to cut and just feel fear.

Anyway, I'm sure none of this is a surprise to anyone here, and I humbly welcome advice and support. Lost yet another full study day today

focusing on his emotional cruelty which in turn sabotaged my own studying. P.S. he's very, very jealous of my progress toward my degree.

Very much so.

Exam literally hours away at this point and instead of studying, I'm still... .hyperfocused on his sickness. He's a lost cause in my rational mind-

yet my heart is still 'hooked in' to the cycle. Can NON's heal from the need to even be with a BPD? We have no children, and he blew three,

yes three wedding dates. The more I write the more I see my own dysfunction in this cycle and just feel awful. He lived in my house without

a bill in his name off and on for eight years. Now he's back in his little trailer in Colo and can't pay his bills- what's new with that? I'm no longer

'helping him' and he's now turned to his "drinking buddies" for loans, temp labor work, etc. This one guy he knows- the town liquor store manager

and (formally illegal) pot dealer is his 'only friend' there. But the guy's almost too willing to take him back into his life as his little side kick.

It's sort of gross actually, but I feel jealous about how fast he emotionally abandonded me again- and is now clinging to his 'friend' as

he refers to him. I should be cheering, but I feel emotionally betrayed all over again. Instead of returning to use the welding degree I fully

supported him to get- after he's done with three rounds of DBT therapy there- he's suddenly decided to grow pot for the guy and bail on

all our future plans. Yet again. Fed up with his behavior. Know I deserve a healthy man- but cutting this looser off and healing myself are a part

of that process of creation.

Seeking support so I can finally cut this ill man loose and let him live his life there- with his 'real buddy' as he calls him. Sick stuff. Real sick stuff.

Eight years of my life- I've stayed in the dance 8 years too long. Want out fully once and for all, but to protect myself through the process both

emotionally and physically from his extreme mood swings. Seeking support to heal my addiction to this one damaged man on the planet so I can

get on with my LIFE. Yet still wishing he would 'heal enough to function' in the relationship. Not gonna happen- I'm in denial over that reality.  

thank you,

Embarrassed and Very Tired Non  

[Mutt]

NONdisengaging,



I would like to welcome you. I'm sorry to hear your pwBPDex blew you off passive aggressively on your birthday and you have your masters program   That's tough.

Many members here share similar experiences and can help.

Have you seen, talked to him?


Hang in there.


--Mutt

[NONdisengaging]

Hello Forum members,

Well, it's finally over! Almost 9 years of my life spent with a Borderline TBI who brutally dumped me and has also set me FREE!

He moved out for the third time six months ago- and we tried to make it work yet again a few months into the separation. What a mistake.

I wept for the first two months- then made the Huge Mistake of contacting him. Well, that led to having my heart broken All Over Again.

I'm torn between celebrating and weeping in deep grief from the core childhood attachment wounds that I now know is all I need to focus

on to heal from the curse/blessing of almost dedicating a decade of my life to a man-child with no future.

Suffice it to say, he drove from Colo to "help me" by doing house chores and yard clean up for cash. I even had to advance him money for

tires to get here. Gut level said don't do it- let him fall on his face up there but I caved. Well- He Lasted One Hour in my home before he

flipped out and became violent. (toward my door and a small box he smashed as he stormed out in indignant hatred. This time it was

different- He truly scared me enough to file a police report. And fortunately, he was unaware enough in his rage to send cryptic horrible

messages by text. I filed this now second police report (over the years) the next morning to prepare for a restraining order. He scared me

this time so much that I know i want the R.O.

Have been dumped hard and cold and while moving through the shocked stage (yet Again, for the zillionth time)- I'm reaching out for

support. Since he moved out 6 months ago he's gotten much, much worst in his symptom presentation. Tons worst. He entered DBT

single and group therapy in his tiny town in Colorado a few months ago but now claims he has to 'go it alone' to really heal himself.

Yeah, alone meaning he and his new target. He was defending her which was the final red flag despite his stubborn denial of her

existence. Actions speak- never believe their words. Their words don't mean anything to them- ever. Just observe their actions.

When their actions don't match their words- it's time to walk. Had I don't that 9 years ago I could have gotten married and had a

child with a functioning man. But Noo... .had to 'fix this one' which was also a huge learning curve. Huge.

Passed my comps- about to get an MA in Counseling in weeks! Initially because of him and in the end- in spite of his behaviors.

He meanwhile is of course again unemployed, two months behind on his bills, and has relapsed back to drinking daily. Good Riddance!

I won't paint him as a villan- that's just denial of my own heartache. I truly and deeply loved this man. But his harsh cruel disengaging

from me, repeatedly even since he's moved out- where like cuts to my heart and self esteem by a (metaphorical) jagged knife.

I should be celebrating- but at this point still emotionally bleeding out from the huge emotional wounds being callously torn open like a bag of chips.

Oh, and after taking anything valuable he had left in the garage- he left 9 years of accumulated junk for me to go through and eliminate.

His final trip here cost me $250. which is a fraction of the money I've lost staying in this unhealthy care giving situation.

Remember- Borderline is a serious mental illness.

Get out before it literally destroys the fabric of your entire life, as it did mine over and over again.

My biggest step was to block his number today. That led to a long hour of weeping. Ugh! Then I unblocked it and felt worst!

Why? Because my addiction to him was left hanging when I realized he didn't call. Yeah- I'm that damaged now and vulnerable.

I prayed months ago for a break from his sadistic unstable presence and boy did I get it. Then I began praying and intending

that he would loose his ability to hurt me (emotionally) anymore. That too is being answered slowly but steadily. The more I focus

on healing my own emotional wounds- the less I want to ever be around that freak again. Ever. He's seriously damaged. Very

seriously damaged and sick. But of course my vision wanes when my heart feels the ache. Classic.

Noticed a thread fro those who escaped alive from a Borderline relationship- perhaps Admin may want to repost this there?

If so, that would be cool. If not- it's all good anyway. Grateful- very, very grateful for his forum. Asking for support

as I sweep up the ashes of my self esteem and ponder what recreating my life is going to look like in the future.

Welcoming support, please. Wishing I had done this years ago but I did! And then... .couldn't let go and brought him back.

Big huge mistake. Being a Non is about being addicted to helping a very ill person- and all the ugly stuff that pushes

a sane human being to clinging to such a dysfunctional role in life.

New goal- Fix ME.

Thanks everyone,

Disengaged Non

[jhkbuzz]

Just want to let you know that I'm approaching 7 months post b/u and, although it's been a very hard 7 months, things DO get better.  Hang in there.

Looking back at how I was feeling at two months, I can completely understand the pain you were in - for me, the first 3 months were a complete blur - I was like a walking train wreck and I'm not completely sure how I managed to function (e.g. work, friends, etc.)  All I wanted was for the pain to go away - so I understand that the temptation to contact is HUGE.

Although this will be hard, be aware of your self talk right now, and any "negative" self talk that is looping in your head - and CHANGE it. Congratulate yourself for being strong enough to "finally let go of whatever is hurting your heart and soul" (one of my quotes below). The pain you feel WILL subside, but it will take some time.

One of the reoccurring pieces of wisdom you will hear on these boards is the a r/s with a pwBPD teaches you more about yourself - and presents more opportunities for self healing - than you would ever could have imagined. I am getting an inkling that this will be true in my case as well... .but again, it all takes time.

You probably already know this, but remain strict n/c. Block phone numbers, email, FB - everything you can think of.  It's hard, but as you know, the alternative (contact) is much harder.  Your wounds can't heal if they're constantly being reopened.

Take good care of yourself.