Not what I need right now

[Depression = 72% of members]

I posted a short time ago about my exN/BPDw and that I've had 2 years NC with her despite all her attempts to contact me.

Just a recap, she sprung the divorce on me literally overnight (replacement lined up) I asked her 3 times if that is what she wanted and she said yes. Went through hell and torture whilst married to her, physical, verbal, mental and emotional abuse but still I stayed. Had a joint T who ended up refusing to see her but worked with me as I couldn't see the abuse. He was the one who diagnosed NPD/BPD. When she was adamant on the divorce, I signed the papers and left her country the following day.

She raged at T because she blamed him for me leaving, smear campaigns all around, demanded that I never contact her again and filed false charges against me for stalking which were dropped as I could prove I wasn't even in the same country.

Despite all of that, she still continued to try and contact me for 2 years, with a final email being sent in June 2014. She contacted my mother and begged her not to hang up the phone, my mother told her what she thought of her, asked that she never contact any of our family again and hung up on her. And finally silence until Nov/Dec 2014 when I discovered she had set up a new FB account still using her own name and had tried to stalk my page. However, I have mine locked down so tight there is nothing she could see anyway, still I blocked the new account straight away.

Which leads on to this morning and I get a message from my sister. exN/BPDw has sent her 7 emails since last night. My sis hasn't read any of them but can tell from the headings that they get angrier each time. Including one titled "Are you going to answer my questions?"

I posted earlier this month that I feared exN/BPDw was starting to resurface after another account appeared elsewhere and it seems she has now resurfaced. It's the last thing I need right now given the push/pull situation going on with BPDgf and whenever exN/BPDw is around it spells a whole world of trouble. T once said he feared for my life around her because she is one of the most dangerous people he has ever come across. He was also the one to advise going NC because the only thing on her mind is to destroy and that's exactly what I did.

Through last year, her emails got nicer and friendlier but I still didn't buy in to the act because I went through living hell with her. My only assumption is that the contact stopped because she found a new victim and either he has run as fast as possible or the honeymoon period is over. I know exactly what is coming if that's the case, she wants to blame me for making her defective in relationships. The irony being that before me, her exbf also ran and went NC completely. She would still stalk his FB page which is why I cut mine right down on security and I hardly post anything anyway. I broke it off with her prior to the marriage, everything was just too intense and had to be done within her timescales. She sent an email to her mother (NPD) saying how she was unlovable, how everybody runs from her and how under no circumstances was she going to let me get away. Her mother forwarded that email to me, blamed me for her daughters state and I fell for the guilt trip.

I knew when I saw her pop up on people I might know on another site and then saw she was trying to stalk my FB page that it was only a matter of time before she resurfaced and now my fears have been confirmed. Not what I need right now given the issues going on with BPDgf.

[Ripped Heart]

I posted a short time ago about my exN/BPDw and that I've had 2 years NC with her despite all her attempts to contact me.

Just a recap, she sprung the divorce on me literally overnight (replacement lined up) I asked her 3 times if that is what she wanted and she said yes. Went through hell and torture whilst married to her, physical, verbal, mental and emotional abuse but still I stayed. Had a joint T who ended up refusing to see her but worked with me as I couldn't see the abuse. He was the one who diagnosed NPD/BPD. When she was adamant on the divorce, I signed the papers and left her country the following day.

She raged at T because she blamed him for me leaving, smear campaigns all around, demanded that I never contact her again and filed false charges against me for stalking which were dropped as I could prove I wasn't even in the same country.

Despite all of that, she still continued to try and contact me for 2 years, with a final email being sent in June 2014. She contacted my mother and begged her not to hang up the phone, my mother told her what she thought of her, asked that she never contact any of our family again and hung up on her. And finally silence until Nov/Dec 2014 when I discovered she had set up a new FB account still using her own name and had tried to stalk my page. However, I have mine locked down so tight there is nothing she could see anyway, still I blocked the new account straight away.

Which leads on to this morning and I get a message from my sister. exN/BPDw has sent her 7 emails since last night. My sis hasn't read any of them but can tell from the headings that they get angrier each time. Including one titled "Are you going to answer my questions?"

I posted earlier this month that I feared exN/BPDw was starting to resurface after another account appeared elsewhere and it seems she has now resurfaced. It's the last thing I need right now given the push/pull situation going on with BPDgf and whenever exN/BPDw is around it spells a whole world of trouble. T once said he feared for my life around her because she is one of the most dangerous people he has ever come across. He was also the one to advise going NC because the only thing on her mind is to destroy and that's exactly what I did.

Through last year, her emails got nicer and friendlier but I still didn't buy in to the act because I went through living hell with her. My only assumption is that the contact stopped because she found a new victim and either he has run as fast as possible or the honeymoon period is over. I know exactly what is coming if that's the case, she wants to blame me for making her defective in relationships. The irony being that before me, her exbf also ran and went NC completely. She would still stalk his FB page which is why I cut mine right down on security and I hardly post anything anyway. I broke it off with her prior to the marriage, everything was just too intense and had to be done within her timescales. She sent an email to her mother (NPD) saying how she was unlovable, how everybody runs from her and how under no circumstances was she going to let me get away. Her mother forwarded that email to me, blamed me for her daughters state and I fell for the guilt trip.

I knew when I saw her pop up on people I might know on another site and then saw she was trying to stalk my FB page that it was only a matter of time before she resurfaced and now my fears have been confirmed. Not what I need right now given the issues going on with BPDgf.

[Hadlee]

So sorry to hear you are going through all of that, Ripped Heart.  Stay safe

[Divinedime]

I'm sorry to hear this, is there any unsettled business between you two in her mind or do you think she's just missing you and this is her way of reaching back out?

[Ripped Heart]

Thank you both 

Devinedime, there is no unfinished business between us. She still lives with her parents (always has done because of controlling NPD mother) even when we were married she refused to leave which was a cause for concern of mine. I once said I didn't get married to become another child within the household because that's literally what it was like. Her mother controls everything, her father sits there and does as he's told too.

So no assets, I left a lot of things behind which when she asked about as I was leaving, I told her to keep what she wanted and get rid of the rest. I got out of there so to me, I had all I needed. I was stung for half her debts, which I've mentioned on a previous post. Given that things could have been a lot worse, and although the debts were mostly what she had run up before I met her, I still agreed to that and have since paid off what was agreed a while ago now. So nothing outstanding there.

There is no reason for her to be in touch at any cost. Perhaps she is missing me because I was oblivious to the abuse for a long time so maybe she realised other people aren't as much of a push over as I was 

Had a further message from my sister that exN/BPDw is now trying to contact her by skype and she has already had a number of missed calls through the night.

I really just want her to get the message that nobody is interested and to respect our wishes to leave me and my family alone.

[BorisAcusio]

Did you consider taking legal action?

[Ripped Heart]

Boris, legal action is complicated and messy given that we are in 2 different countries with 2 different laws. Likewise, doing that would also play into her hands in terms of contact, good attention or bad doesn't really matter to her, it's attention. However, if it got to the point where she physically turned up and there was a physical threat then yes, I would most definitely take legal action.

However, given what her contact has been she hasn't been threatening but she has been angry, angry at me not responding to her and the others have all been about what she has been doing as well as some of them reaching out just for contact. Nothing that could be considered sinister, just extremely intense. Even reaching out to say "please don't contact me" would be giving her the attention she is craving right now and would play right into her NPD.

She's extremely clever, 2 degrees and a masters and would often comment about how one of her skills was to manipulate others through email. If she wanted to start a fight with someone, she would get them to do it by the way she worded her email. Again, comment on how easy it was to get people to act and behave the way she wanted them to and set them up for a full storm but without incriminating herself in the process. That's the kind of mentality we are dealing with her and I'm guessing that her, now 3 years of contact is because she feels defeated at her attempts and nobody gets the better of her. It once took a very skilled therapist a good number of weeks to finally get the mask off and that came with a lot of ego massaging.

Her messages don't trigger me in that sense, I do read them when they come through because I need to know what game she is trying to play and what her motivation is so I can keep well away. For me, it's just fallen at a very bad time now and something I could rather do without. The reason being, on top of what I'm going through at this moment, I'm also going to start getting pressure from my family. My sister is going to get annoyed that she is contacting her and in turn make me responsible for that since I was the one who brought her into their lives. My mother is now going to start to panic again too every time the phone rings in case it's her and again, that responsibility will be passed to me for the same reason. This happens every time she gets no response from me and starts contacting my family so it's added pressure I could do without right now.

[Ripped Heart]

My sister forwarded on the message that exN/BPDw sent to her.

Makes for some very interesting reading:

"Sorry to bother you but I have been left with no choice but to attempt to since your brother does not answer emails, skype messages or skype calls, therefore there is no means of reaching him in the event of an emergency, and he has not responded despite numerous attempts and despite receiving only cordial correspondence from me even though he has not abided to any legal conditions of contact that he agreed to.

So if there is an alternative way of reaching him and you would like to provide it, please do so, if not, that's your decision and on your head should an emergency arise. Thank you"

First of all, she is blocked on skype so no way she can contact me there anyway. I haven't changed my email address and she can email through I just choose not to respond.

Second, any emergency that she has is no concern of mine. I'm no longer tied to her for anything so I don't care what kind of emergency she has, she made a decision and now has to live with the consequences of her actions. I simply don't care.

Third, there was nothing in any legal agreement that stated I have to remain in contact with her, there is no reason to remain in contact. I find this one insane as well as the cordial correspondence because if rages are cordial, I would hate to see what she thinks not being cordial is.

Fourth, she is trying to use my sister for triangulation and my sister isn't buying any of it, she works with adults with PD's, including BPD and NPD and knows all about it. She has also seen my exN/BPDw in full flow because when I was married and getting the full blown rages in email, my sister asked that she be bcc's into them so she could see what was really going on because I was struggling to figure out what I was doing wrong.

Fifth, the pointed question of old. Feel free to do as you want but here is the guilt trip should you not do as I want you to do.

What I gather from all of that is that after 3 years, nothing has changed 

So my sister didn't respond and the following morning woke up to this:

Are you going to answer the questions I asked you or are you just going to ignore me like your brother does. I guess it runs in the family and not worth my time or effort. Nice to know that if something should happen to one of us here that your family doesn't give a **** nothing new there then

Just like the "cordial" messages I get from time to time 

I just realised too, she sent these because it's her birthday and I suspect that's what this is all in aid of. She has created a scene so I remember it's her birthday, possibly in the hope that I send her a gift and a card and wish her a great day.

I am so thankful to my old T for giving me the strength to break free from that environment and when I see messages like this, it just reminds me why I would never ever go back or even attempt contact in any way.

[Trog]

My ex woul do this to her previous boyfriends. She had a couple of ltr favourites who would get emails to their workplace even 10 years after the relationship. In some cases I don't think it ever ends for them, they will continue to reach out but the only way you can guard yourself is NC, I can't imagine how she would have reacted had one of them actually responded. Well I can, bonbardment, guilt trips, smears etc but after an attempt to triangulate with the current beau.

That's why I think we should be thankful when they are with the replacements, it keeps them occupied at least for some time

[Ripped Heart]

Trog, if I'm on her favourites list, I would hate to see someone who isn't 

I guess I probably would be a favourite because I did as I was told to do, took the abuse, took the beatings, and still remained until the very end when she was the one who discarded me. Her parting words were that she loved me and that was the reason for the divorce and maybe down the line we will meet up and get remarried. I should have seen that as a warning that all replacements are for the short term and I'm on a pile for more abuse. Guess that might be a reason she hasn't left me alone in almost 3 years, despite NC the entire time.

Not going to happen 

[CloseToFreedom]

At least she acknowledge your existence. Mine doesn't even go that far. It sounds like you are strong enough to not give a crap about her contacting you. Good for you! I hope to be in the same mindset eventually.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not downplaying the effect her contact can have on you. But it really does sound you are strong enough. Keep it up!

[Mutt]

Hi Ripped Heart,

There's an awful lot of emotional blackmail in her messages and she's denigrating you and your family. Not fun!

Her timing is pretty bad.

Are you storing this stuff for proof for later? In case of.

[Ripped Heart]

Mutt, it was very much the same throughout our entire marriage but not just from her, her mother too. Her mother is purely NPD and a very nasty and spiteful woman if she doesn't get what she wants.

My family received many emails like that during our marriage too with her mother being the main instigator. They tried to cut me off from my family, her mother would send nasty emails to my mother to provoke an angry response and then I would be backed into a corner by both of them showing me what kind of person my mother was and there was hell to pay if I didn't side with them.

Her father once told me that his wide was always right, even if she was wrong. He cut out his entire family apart from his sister and that should his wife ever tell him to disown his own children he would do in a heartbeat because siding with your wife is the most important part of a marriage.

What they all failed to realise is that my mother and my sister all sent on the emails they had recieved (partly because of what I mentioned earlier about them also making me responsible for what ex-MIL and exN/BPDw were sending them and I was deeply in the middle of a war zone between them all. Caused a lot of stress and pressure on me and another thing I was thankful to my T for in helping me unpick what was my responsibility as I took it all on my own shoulders.

Everything they ever sent has it's own folder so it is all being stored as proof should anything ever happen. It's also why in terms of NC, I still read through emails that are sent as it keep me grounded in seeing how disordered everything is, that nothing has changed and also to help determine and pre-empt what game is coming next. Even my old T had his fair share of emails too which helped make the diagnosis of exN/BPDw much easier because she found it much harder to keep the mask on in emails.

The issue I always had around my own mother is she is very likely udBPD from the view of both therapists which adds an extra element of difficulty as I know my mother can manipulate and does when it comes to my relationships, so for me it was extremely difficult in trying to determine who was actually telling the truth.

[Mutt]

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree with the ex in-laws.

I can relate with family members, ex in-laws and an ex. You have an ex wife 

If she's sending a multitude of messages may be an extinction burst. It shall pass if you don't give her attention.

You have to respond to any of it?

[Ripped Heart]

Not at all, in 3 years I haven't responded to a single message and don't intend to either.

My old mindfullness T once said that when she gets in contact, if I ever have the urge to respond just think back to how I felt when I was sat in his office, feel the pain I was feeling at that moment in time and the suffering I was going through at that moment. Then ask myself is it worth going through all of that again.

The messages will get more frequent over coming weeks and I suspect I will get one from ex-MIL telling me that my ignorance is affecting and hurting all of them and that all I have ever done is hurt them. That's the usual pattern, followed by some nice emails from exN/BPDw before more silence. It's been almost 3 years and it still hasn't stopped. For most of those 3 years it's not been an issue. I recognise the pattern as it's always the same and then it passes by.

My issue right now is given what's going on with BPDgf, I'm just in a vulnerable place right now so this is the last thing I want and need at this moment in time.

[Mutt]

Think of your ex and ex in-laws as a bad weather system passing through.

[eyvindr]

Well played, Ripped. Nice to see someone here sharing a story like this -- being able to see the behaviors for what they are, and recognizing where the manipulation is happening, and simply refusing to play.

Not your monkeys, not your circus. Good job, man.

[Ripped Heart]

Heard from sister today, it seems that exN/BPDw isn't giving up. She has now had several messages now demanding sis answers her questions.

Again, there is no possible reason for her to even be in touch and now my mother is getting concerned that exN/BPDw is going to start trying to contact her again.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to hear the news Ripped Heart. Not fun! She has the emotional immaturity of a child of around the age of 2-3 and a part of this is stimulation hunger and wanting immediate satisfaction and gratification. There's emotional blackmail coupled in there with Obligation from (FOG).

How's your sister holding up with your exN/BPDw and the emotional blackmail?

[Ripped Heart]

She is doing OK, still choosing to ignore the messages but just finding it an annoyance that every time she comes home from work there are demands.

No thought of what my sister has to deal with right now. As our T once said, everything has to be done to exN/BPDw's time and that it wasn't right.

It was one of the major issues he identified at the time that her abandonment fears were dealt with by demanding everything be done, people have to answer and do as she says when she wanted it doing rather than dealing with her issue. He proved it by waiting 3 weeks to respond to one of her emails and she raged so badly at him. Told him he was incompetent, that she could do his job and that he was a useless excuse for a human who has a job helping people.

That was part of what he used for his diagnosis. All it says to me is she is still the same person I married, hasn't changed a bit, no intention of changing and I dont need that in my life 

[Mutt]

Smart T  

I can relate. My ex is as emotionally immature as she was 10 years ago today. I had though perhaps if we get married she may settle down and mature. It didn't evoke change in her, then I thought maybe if she hits a milestone of 30 she may mature? What I didn't understand at the time is that BPD is emotional arrested development and she's emotionally immature. There were times I thought I was fighting with a child and I was confused and hurt at the petulance of it all.

I was waiting for the woman that I had met to emerge as well, the one that idealized me and what I didn't understand is that she is self-centered and egotistical and  pre-occupied with her own feelings, doesn't take responsibility for her mistakes, she's insensitive to my feelings and this can be construed as lack of empathy although I'm lucky, she does have the capacity to show some semblance of empathy in comparison to some of the members and their exes with BPD traits.

A thought I had pondered is self esteem and how I had low self esteem when I had met her ( still something I work on ) and I thought it interesting that I had waited for many years for the woman that idealized me when we met and she has low self worth and self esteem issues. She demands constant attention, is not a very good loser and over competitive and doesn't see herself realistically. I've come to have empathy for her fears, insecurities and fearful view of the world and how it's hostile.

So it took her about 3 weeks to simmer down with your T?

How long has she been haranguing your family? Are you familiar with extinction bursts when she tries to engage you harder with threats, intimidation, belittling, demands, retaliation, this type of escalation is known as an extinction burst.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts

[Ripped Heart]

Smart T  

I can relate. My ex is as emotionally immature as she was 10 years ago today. I had though perhaps if we get married she may settle down and mature. It didn't evoke change in her, then I thought maybe if she hits a milestone of 30 she may mature? What I didn't understand at the time is that BPD is emotional arrested development and she's emotionally immature. There were times I thought I was fighting with a child and I was confused and hurt at the petulance of it all.

I was waiting for the woman that I had met to emerge as well, the one that idealized me and what I didn't understand is that she is self-centered and egotistical and  pre-occupied with her own feelings, doesn't take responsibility for her mistakes, she's insensitive to my feelings and this can be construed as lack of empathy although I'm lucky, she does have the capacity to show some semblance of empathy in comparison to some of the members and their exes with BPD traits.

This resonates with me because that's exactly what I did in my marriage. I knew something was wrong within the first month, it was far too intense to the point I was getting afraid and ended the r/s. She flew to my country to talk to me because she wanted things to work out between us. I listened and caved. I thought things might calm down, they did for a few weeks and then the intensity started to build up again. She decided that she wasn't going to move to my country in case I abandoned her again so I opted to move to hers as a short term solution 

By then, I'd already triggered her from breaking off the r/s in the first place. The moment I arrived, I was stripped of everything, passport, money, communication with family etc... because she feared I was going to leave her. I allowed it all to happen because I wanted to prove I wasn't but it just got worse. Set milestones too, such as thinking that if I went through with the wedding it might help her realise I'm not going anywhere. Then it was her 30th birthday too, then it was looking for our own house (which she had never lived away from her parents MIL was NPD so would never allow her to leave) so all the plans we had, every one of them was pulled away to see how I would react. The crunch came when d10 (who was 6 at the time) almost died from a severe asthma attack. I needed to by my childs side and was given an ultimatum, I chose my daughter over her and that's when things went from bad to worse.

Ironically, after this event she told me I had BPD because I ran from her. The T I decided to see, she got in there first and did a very good job of manipulation. He is a top clinical psychologist with 30+ years experience and initially she was able to fool him. That was until he met me. One of the first questions he asked was why I ran off and left her, I explained it was to be by my daughters side because she almost died. ExN/BPDw had the choice to come with me but opted to give me a choice between her or my children.

That was the turning point to everything. From him I learned all about projection, I watched in the joint sessions how he massaged her ego and at times felt like it was 2 against 1 in the room. 2 things he was looking for, with me - whether I would go back after a character assassination. Had I been the issue, I would have painted him black and refused to see him. With her - it was to remove the mask so he could see who he was really dealing with. He always said one of the striking points for him was she walked into the room and told him I was the problem and needed fixing. I walked into the room and told him I was the problem and wanted to find out what I was doing wrong. One person took responsibility, the other projected. He constantly reminded me that anything that came out of her mouth was projection.

After I left her country, she called him and exploded on him. He messaged me to give him a call because he was concerned about my well being and that's when he labelled her as extremely dangerous to the point of crossing the line into psychopath. She had even tried to get him to write a statement for the police that I was dangerous and he refused. Personally, I felt he stepped above and beyond his duty of care, maybe he too carried guilt or anger at being manipulated in the beginning but he was a rock through the r/s and after.

She hasn't given up trying to contact for 3 years now. I could go to the police but it's complicated. She is 3,500 miles away in another country and I have no issue being bombarded with emails because I choose to read and archive but I have control. My sister and my mother, that's a different story. She contacted my mother last year, pleaded with her not to hang up and that's what my mother did after telling her what she thought of her and asking her never to contact her again. My sister has the choice too of what she can do, she can block her if she chooses to but hasn't. My sis is strong and not easily intimidated, I think right now she's just frustrated at the amount of messages she is getting, not so much the content.

[eyvindr]

Wow, Mutt -- again, so many similarities in behaviors! This describes the level of naivete I had when I married my ex wife:

I can relate. My ex is as emotionally immature as shI had though perhaps if we get married she may settle down and mature. It didn't evoke change in her, then I thought maybe if she hits a milestone of 30 she may maturee was 10 years ago today. ? What I didn't understand at the time is that BPD is emotional arrested development and she's emotionally immature. There were times I thought I was fighting with a child and I was confused and hurt at the petulance of it all.

There were red flags from the beginning of that r-ship -- we lived together, and I saw lots of extremely bad behavior before we were married, more than enough to see the light. But for me it took living through the crashing and burning of my marriage (I said "my" instead of "our" b/c I'm not sure my ex wife felt any true  connection to the vows we exchanged -- she certainly broke all of them -- or put any stock in the ceremonial formalization of our relationship -- even after she pushed for it!) for me to realize that you get the person you marry, not someone you think/hope/assume/wish they will turn into after you marry them. I'm happy to say I haven't made that mistake again -- and I don't mean getting married, but marrying the wrong person. Though I came close.

This describes my uBPDxgf:

I was waiting for the woman that I had met to emerge as well, the one that idealized me and what I didn't understand is that she is self-centered and egotistical and  pre-occupied with her own feelings, doesn't take responsibility for her mistakes, she's insensitive to my feelings and this can be construed as lack of empathy although I'm lucky, she does have the capacity to show some semblance of empathy in comparison to some of the members and their exes with BPD traits.

Very similar. Hang in there.

[Mutt]

Hi eyvindr,

I hear you. I met her in 2005 and by the summer of 2006 she was asking me to propose to her and there were serious behaviors that made me anxious and worried. I didn't understand what it meant when someone tries to illicit an emotional response,  emotional blackmail, or projection was back then. I was naïve and I still am to a degree, I don't mean with toxicity. I think when you go through the work and went through an emotionally abusive relationship you become sensitive to this type of behavior. I feel much different now than I did when I was with her. It was daily life, now my spider senses go off.

My mindset back the was that she made me feel guilty often, didn't pay attention to my needs, wanted an awful lot of attention and I couldn't seem to say or do anything right - I was always wrong. For several months she often brought the  subject of marriage up and I was avoidant and would tell her that I didn't think now was a good time and we really should live together longer.  That only seemed to work for so long.

I was excited to get settle down and get married and in that same token, I felt like I'm not convinced that I'm doing this for the e choices. I mean, I felt partially bad when I proposed and on my wedding day. I'm doing something that's for the wrong reasons and I'm going to regret. I was right on both counts.

Yes her words didn't match her actions, she wanted a ring and get married. I took my vows seriously and for better or for worst, I didn't realize how many days difficult days lay ahead. For 6 months after the marriage things were calm and there was a part of me that always felt like the other shoe was going to drop and the behaviors and acting out got worse.

I'm not sure what quantifies as worst? Having her switch between white and black splitting in the r/s or being split black treated as if I'm the enemy? As of today, she's flip flopping from white and black because of her needs. She's not the same person I knew 2 years ago.

We did go looking at homes and I was close with buying one and I did tell her that perhaps now is not a good time dye to monetary reasons as I was the sole provider and realistically it would of been difficult with everything at that moment. Luckily I didn't.

It was disheartening and frustrating how she would quickly she'd throw threats divorce around as if it was something that was to be taken lightly and her demeanor blasé. The one constant - emotional immaturity.

Little did I know how difficult divorce was.  She had an emotional and physical affair in our marriage and it felt like a knife to the heart.

I may remarry someday, there was a time I lost faith and members here have renewed this faith that people value their vows.

She contacted my mother last year, pleaded with her not to hang up and that's what my mother did after telling her what she thought of her and asking her never to contact her again. My sister has the choice too of what she can do, she can block her if she chooses to but hasn't. My sis is strong and not easily intimidated, I think right now she's just frustrated at the amount of messages she is getting, not so much the content.

I'm sorry to hear about your D, that must of been scary and hard to go through with the lack of empathy from your ExN/BPDw and her fighting for attention. Not nice!

After the dissociative phase and the distortion campaign my ex was denying reasonable access to the kids. She went as far as trying to distort me to my mother after she had split my family black and removed all of my family members from Facebook. Some family members messaged me, they knew that she had left and were perplexed that she didn't say bye to anyone. She simply cut them off.

My mom was very upset and called me having received a message several months after she had left. I told my mom it's her choice to respond or not and I told her we know the truth ( affair ) and I would respect it if she chose to simply not give her a response back or she can. Negative attention is still attention and it was my mom that detected she's likely BPD after having witness a rage in front of family. So I told her she's mentally ill, you're only going to get yourself worked up and she won't register what you are trying to communicate across, best to say nothing and this shall die down. My mom said I was right and she said she was furious after what my wife had put her son through.

The distortion campaign and extinction bursts stopped having not given her an emotional stimuli although it was very intense with the constant threatening, belittling and intimidating emails.

I'm sorry to hear your families going through this perhaps tell them that any sort of attention is going to give her what she wants. I hope things settle down in this front for you soon.

[eyvindr]

As an aside -- this thread should be the title for a book:

Not what I need right now -- Moving on After a Relationship with a pwBPD

[Ripped Heart]

As an aside -- this thread should be the title for a book:

Not what I need right now -- Moving on After a Relationship with a pwBPD

Or Please release me, let me go