What reaction is typical of BPD person when their SO/non, grows to hate them?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, I left my husband of 6 years/together for 10. It had been at least 10 recycles, and this most recent one has lasted 9 months. His temper took off once again, and he told me that he hated me prior to his leaving for work for the day. By this point, I was actually getting physically sick and immensely sad. I left a note and told him simply that I couldn't take it anymore. As of today, there have been four voice mail messages left by him; the most recent being last night at 11:30. I had not listened to any of them, except one that was left this past Saturday. The first words out of his mouth were that I (meaning me) have had enough time, and that we should be talking.  Since the divorce paperwork had been filled out prior to our last recycle, I really didn't think that there was anything left to discuss.  I emailed him in response. I asked him not to leave any more voice mails, as I have no desire to hear his voice anymore, and that he doesn't get to decide that it's been enough time for me. I told him that it's no longer his privilege to decide how I feel and when. Further, that our entire relationship was all about him and his feelings, and that a relationship is is not supposed to be bully and subordinate, such as it is with him.  He emailed back, "got it."

My question is, since BPD persons want everyone to think they're fabulous, and I used to think he was, how does everyone think that he feels now, knowing that I hate him? That I lost my admiration for him?

[Melted52]

So, I left my husband of 6 years/together for 10. It had been at least 10 recycles, and this most recent one has lasted 9 months. His temper took off once again, and he told me that he hated me prior to his leaving for work for the day. By this point, I was actually getting physically sick and immensely sad. I left a note and told him simply that I couldn't take it anymore. As of today, there have been four voice mail messages left by him; the most recent being last night at 11:30. I had not listened to any of them, except one that was left this past Saturday. The first words out of his mouth were that I (meaning me) have had enough time, and that we should be talking.  Since the divorce paperwork had been filled out prior to our last recycle, I really didn't think that there was anything left to discuss.  I emailed him in response. I asked him not to leave any more voice mails, as I have no desire to hear his voice anymore, and that he doesn't get to decide that it's been enough time for me. I told him that it's no longer his privilege to decide how I feel and when. Further, that our entire relationship was all about him and his feelings, and that a relationship is is not supposed to be bully and subordinate, such as it is with him.  He emailed back, "got it."

My question is, since BPD persons want everyone to think they're fabulous, and I used to think he was, how does everyone think that he feels now, knowing that I hate him? That I lost my admiration for him?

[Melted52]

I'm saddened that no one has any thoughts.  Maybe I didn't ask in an effective way?  I'm not sure. In any case, I'm really wondering if that by my saying what I did, "I'd rather disfigure myself than ever hear your voice again." By any chance could he feel really hurt, or get more angry? I also told him the truth about our relationship having been all about him and his feelings.

Please any thoughts?  I'm feeling really anxious to know if he might be feeling anything at all.

[Trog]

BPd is about need and getting need met, we are the ones with feelings of hurt or caretaking not them. Unless he's NPD I wouldn't bet he's thinkinf much about how you feel in the way a regular person would. They don't process guilt like we do.

Im sorry that isn't maybe what you want to hear and you want him to act or be upset as would be the normal love story reaction but often we just don't get adult emotion from these emotionally stunted people. The good news is that you've made the healthy choice to move on and soon you'll come to realise what he thinks and feels is of far less importance than how he feels. I don't give a rats beehind how my ex feels anymore, I'm still hurt and annoyed for wasting so much time and I still struggle to understand her self defeating actions but turning the focus onto yourself and your behaviour, even just 'why do I accept his behaviours' is the key to healing. Put you first

[raisins3142]

I'm saddened that no one has any thoughts.  Maybe I didn't ask in an effective way?  I'm not sure. In any case, I'm really wondering if that by my saying what I did, "I'd rather disfigure myself than ever hear your voice again." By any chance could he feel really hurt, or get more angry? I also told him the truth about our relationship having been all about him and his feelings.

Please any thoughts?  I'm feeling really anxious to know if he might be feeling anything at all.

I haven't read much.  I have mostly my experience with my uBPDexgf to go by.  I could definitely hurt her with words.  But I feel that when I said something to her, she more was hurt that she might lose me.  I don't think she ever felt real regret or was sorry in the same way most other people would be.  I think she was "sorry" if she got caught in a lie because it rocked her world and could make her lose me and what I supplied for her.  But this is all just impressions, she was an emotional black box to me.  I have no idea what was going on in her head most of the time and whether when she said she was upset, etc whether she was really upset for the reason she stated.

So, I just don't think you can know.  Sorry, but if your ex is like mine then that is my impression.  What I did was begin the process of disengaging emotionally.  This is easier for me because my relationship was much shorter than your own and with only 1 recycle.  I still think from time to time what is going on in her head.  If I had to guess, she was lonely and devastated that she lost her love object.  I don't think she was truly sorry for how she behaved and how she made me feel.

Interestingly, and to shed some light, my ex slipped up and revealed her past infidelities with other partners before me.

One man had been with her for several years, moved across the country to be with her, and had gone through a lot with her emotionally.

Toward the end of the relationship, he came in and didn't hug her hello.  So, she cheated with his replacement.  She told me this and then smiled and said "so always hug me hello".

After I processed all this, I basically told her that it was hard for me to hear that she was unfaithful in the past (after lying to me about it to cover it up), especially to someone that had meant a lot to her and really sacrificed.  But then I hit her with "and what is awful is that when you told me about it you smiled, showed no shame or guilt, and even tried to make it seem like it was his fault".  That I picked up on all that made her jaw drop.  What a disordered person.

[hergestridge]

I don't know what a typical reaction is, but I really don't like my wife BPDw very much after we split up seven months ago. This troubles her because she wants to be on friendly terms with me. Anything else would make her unconfortable. It's a pain in the ass.

[12dazednconfused21]

Hi melted52, I am sorry you are having this hard time. Well, I think once non-BPD's try to leave or leave, they are triggering the BPD's deepest fears to abandonment and rejection, therefore BPD's are going to split you and paint you in black (very very black) in order to make it easier for them to deal with the pain. Also they need to deny their role on the issues they brought to the relationship, so they tend to blame and put all on the non's side (Anyways the non's contribute big time too, I think it is a 50/50 type of thing). Then, yes, probably he is hating you right now, and most probably, he will do it until he can find some peace of mind with his BPD/NPD issue and accept his condition. From my personal experience, once you say you are leaving for the first time, it doesn't get any better, contrary it just get worse and worse because the resentment builds up for both of you. Keep strong! 

[Ripped Heart]

Melted52, I think it was a really difficult question to answer for a number of people given the situation they find themselves in right now. Many people here are still processing their own feelings and to a degree may still be in denial or anger or in the case of some, acceptance. However, it is a very good question and I suppose it will take some people time to think about their own feelings before answering.

I can relate a little to your situation as I did a very similar thing with my exN/BPDw, once the paperwork was signed and I left the house, I never looked back and remained NC for the past coming up to 3 years now. The truth is that I don't hate her, I suffered for a number of years at the hands of a physically, emotionally and mentally abusive person but I was glad to be free of it. I even posted on the boards a while ago that I was actually thankful for meeting her as it opened my eyes to a lot of things, took me down a path of learning and understanding that I never thought possible. So I'm actually thankful to her in that respect.

Though, having been strict NC and with her knowing that I won't ever reach out, she has no way of knowing how I feel about her. To her, I could very well hate her but that is no longer my issue or my concern what she feels, that's hers to own.

What I've had as a result of going NC is a constant stream of emails, contacting my family etc... desperately trying to get me to engage for the past 2 years. They stopped in June 2014 but she resurfaced again last night so it's certainly not over yet. Though, I have to agree with Trog on this one, in that I feel the only reason it's gone on as long as it has is down to the NPD and not necessarily the BPD. She is stuck in an endless loop because she doesn't know how I feel but it's also a catch 22 situation. If I reach out and tell her, even if I told her I hated her (hate is a strong word but I do understand where you are coming from) then I'm giving her the attention she craves and that is all she wants from me. Just a spot of proof that she still has an element of control.

When I ended the r/s with BPDgf on New Years Eve, I told her that I did still love her and I did still care but I just couldn't go on any more with the self destructive behaviours. I meant what I said, because I do still love her and I do still care. Went NC for 3 days before she reached out and I joined back in the dance.

So to answer your question, it's difficult to determine how they will react because some may try and hold on, others might realise it's time to move on and cut you out completely, others might even try and get revenge. I guess it depends on the individual and how they feel at the time. I know my BPDgf said to me recently "I would hate it if you hated me" and given that this past year I watched her destroy the last man who walked out on her with multiple arrests and an RO, I'm not sure how to take it whether she would cry and try and get me to like her again or whether I would be next on the hit list.

[antelope]

So, I left my husband of 6 years/together for 10. It had been at least 10 recycles, and this most recent one has lasted 9 months. His temper took off once again, and he told me that he hated me prior to his leaving for work for the day. By this point, I was actually getting physically sick and immensely sad. I left a note and told him simply that I couldn't take it anymore. As of today, there have been four voice mail messages left by him; the most recent being last night at 11:30. I had not listened to any of them, except one that was left this past Saturday. The first words out of his mouth were that I (meaning me) have had enough time, and that we should be talking.  Since the divorce paperwork had been filled out prior to our last recycle, I really didn't think that there was anything left to discuss.  I emailed him in response. I asked him not to leave any more voice mails, as I have no desire to hear his voice anymore, and that he doesn't get to decide that it's been enough time for me. I told him that it's no longer his privilege to decide how I feel and when. Further, that our entire relationship was all about him and his feelings, and that a relationship is is not supposed to be bully and subordinate, such as it is with him.  He emailed back, "got it."

My question is, since BPD persons want everyone to think they're fabulous, and I used to think he was, how does everyone think that he feels now, knowing that I hate him? That I lost my admiration for him?

BPDs THRIVE on attention.

Love is positive attention.

Hate is negative attention.

Either way, it's attention, and an indication to him that you still have a vested emotional interest.

the key to thwarting their need for attention is no contact.  Indifference is the BPD kryptonite.

you should NOT care what he thinks anymore.  you have made your statement, you have made your decision, and you are holding to it.  bravo. 

now its time to implement no contact.

no contact is NOT a form of psychological punishment.  it is not a game of taunting the other party with silent treatment. 

no contact is a form of disengaging from this dysfunctional situation.

at the first step in your disengaging should be to no longer care what he thinks or believes about you.

it is now about what you think and believe about yourself! 

[blissful_camper]

My observation, when ex discussed former partners, was that it bothered ex.  It bothered him when anybody didn't seem to like him. It bothered him when he knew that members of his community didn't like him and distanced themselves from him.  Or worse, banned him from entering their businesses.  He had caused those people harm and they had good reason to protect themselves.  He complained about it often.