Trying to catch you out

[Trog]

One of the most annoying behaviourS of my ex was her constantly trying to catch me out!

I was accused of so many ridiculous and foundless things that would lead to her raging at me or not talking to me concerning things I had not even done!

She would accuse me of cheating on her when she was out of town and try the old 'don't lie to me, I know, I was told' line that was insane as I was never doing anything! Not only did I get endless accusations over things I didn't do I also had to pay for these made up crimes like I had done them with screaming matches and silent treatments and even attempts to slit her wrists on one occasion!

It was so tiring defending myself against ridiculous accusations! Was this something you experienced? If so, why do they do this?

I used to wonder how someone had so much time to think up this painful crap! I was working too hard to find time to make up rows about total make believe!

[fromheeltoheal]

If so, why do they do this?

Because borderlines are constantly focused on abandonment, a replaying of the fear of abandonment and the subsequent abandonment depression they never went through as tots, the situation that created the disorder to begin with.  So, constant fear of abandonment along with being convinced that it will happen, which causes behaviors that guarantee it will happen, a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Her accusations that you were cheating were probably a test, as she analyzed your facial expressions very closely to look for clues that you're lying, because she didn't trust you either, for reasons that have nothing to do with you.  Either that or she was cheating and projecting the shame and guilt on you to feel better.  Rational thought was not part of it.

[Infared]

Everything that FromHeelToHeal said... .and:

Here is my take on that.

They are extremely fearful that you are acting like they do when you are not around.  Get it?

True Dat.  

Run... .Do not stop, Do not pass Go... .and... .don't look back!

[Trog]

She was with her sister on that occasion so pretty sure at least that day, she wasn't cheating!

But my facial expression surely told her I hadn't been cheating! So the next 4 hours of emotional torture... .The need for that was?

I could understand a quick check up (to a degree!) but dragging it out to full rows and sleeping on the sofa over something that never happened! God that was boring towards the end but very painful when I was 'all in'

[Tim300]

Mine targeted me in the same way.  Now looking back, painfully I believe that some of this was projection -- that she had cheated on me when we were apart for a weekend, etc. 

However, some of it was definitely not projection -- some of it was simply extreme paranoia.  I'm talking about getting accused of cheating under the most ridiculous of circumstances.  I don't want to write with too much specificity on this public forum, but i'll try to describe generally one instance.  We had to meet one day rather abruptly in the middle of the day and when I arrived at the meeting spot I didn't realize that she was already there, so I walked into a small store to buy something (for her).  When I got out of the store she started questioning me on who I was meeting in the store.  The store was in a completely random spot in our metro area, where I wouldn't have known anyone, and I was in there for like 4 minutes.  It just made no sense whatsoever.  I thought she was just joking, but she wasn't laughing.

Also, she seemed to have other weird suspicions about me plotting to leave her or otherwise plotting some scheme to gain power over her.  Really bizarre stuff that had no basis in reality.

[Trog]

Just another note, it wasn't just about cheating, she would be that way if she thought I was lying about anything! Yes cheating was her big fear, however she would get weird about asking what I was eating for lunch and accuse me of lying about that! Or even just seeing friends she thought I was trying to hurt her by going down the pub.

[fromheeltoheal]

She was with her sister on that occasion so pretty sure at least that day, she wasn't cheating!

But my facial expression surely told her I hadn't been cheating! So the next 4 hours of emotional torture... .The need for that was?

I could understand a quick check up (to a degree!) but dragging it out to full rows and sleeping on the sofa over something that never happened! God that was boring towards the end but very painful when I was 'all in'

The other piece is the closer you got, the harder it was for her to keep the push/pull, abandonment/engulfment feelings, the perpetual dance, in control and at bay; bottom line she was triggered, the emotions were to strong, so all of the tools need to show up to help her feel better.  And you, someone who was once one of the tools she used to soothe, were the trigger at that point.  Rational thought is elsewhere, this is a mental illness remember, and it's very difficult to be emotionally enmeshed with that, especially when it caught us by surprise; this site wouldn't be here if it was easy.

[Tim300]

But my facial expression surely told her I hadn't been cheating! So the next 4 hours of emotional torture... .The need for that was?

When my pwBPD was able to come up with some excuse to put me in the doghouse, she took that excuse and ran with it.  She seemed to really enjoy having me in the doghouse.  I guess sometimes they have to literally come up with a doghouse scenario out of thin air in order to exert this power over you and leave just confused enough to not understand whether their feelings have some legitimate basis (even if the feelings are misunderstandings).    

[Tim300]

Or even just seeing friends she thought I was trying to hurt her by going down the pub.

This happened to me too.  Towards the end especially, if I expressed an interest in heading a few towns over to catch up with a buddy for brunch, it seemed like her heart was going to explode (possible panic attack).  I don't think she thought I was cheating on these occasions (she could see exactly who I was texting), but for some reason it was like death to her that I might have a friend to catch up with. 

Note that at other times she would yell "Go hang out with your friends, get outta here!".  I'm not sure if she was trying to emotionally cheat at these times by calling another guy -- or if she just simply couldn't handle the intensity of my presence.     

[Trog]

Or even just seeing friends she thought I was trying to hurt her by going down the pub.

This happened to me too.  Towards the end especially, if I expressed an interest in heading a few towns over to catch up with a buddy for brunch, it seemed like her heart was going to explode (possible panic attack).  I don't think she thought I was cheating on these occasions (she could see exactly who I was texting), but for some reason it was like death to her that I might have a friend to catch up with. 

Note that at other times she would yell "Go hang out with your friends, get outta here!".  I'm not sure if she was trying to emotionally cheat at these times by calling another guy -- or if she just simply couldn't handle the intensity of my presence.     

Yep! And in the next day she would criticise me and call me a loser for not having friends! They're craaaaaaaazy

[fromheeltoheal]

I guess sometimes they have to literally come up with a doghouse scenario out of thin air in order to exert this power over you

One way to deal with the push/pull, abandonment/engulfment continual dance is to be in complete control in the relationship; if a borderline has all the power, they can control how close or how far away, emotionally, you are.  Also, if you're under their control you won't leave, you can't, you don't have the power.  Of course what a borderline really wants is to have their individuation acknowledged and validated, but validation coming from someone who doesn't have free will is worthless.

Here's a buzz: if you are the one who leaves, and to do so requires that you take your power back, you gain a bunch of respect in the eyes of a borderline, along with abandoning them, the worst thing that could happen the way they're wired.  Not that you should enjoy that for long, just sayin'... .

[CloseToFreedom]

Or even just seeing friends she thought I was trying to hurt her by going down the pub.

This happened to me too.  Towards the end especially, if I expressed an interest in heading a few towns over to catch up with a buddy for brunch, it seemed like her heart was going to explode (possible panic attack).  I don't think she thought I was cheating on these occasions (she could see exactly who I was texting), but for some reason it was like death to her that I might have a friend to catch up with. 

Note that at other times she would yell "Go hang out with your friends, get outta here!".  I'm not sure if she was trying to emotionally cheat at these times by calling another guy -- or if she just simply couldn't handle the intensity of my presence.     

I had the same thing. I ended up telling her days in advance that in the weekend I might be going to town with friends and she would be totally okay with it. I mean, if she wanted to go with us, that would've been great, but she never felt like it. Anyway, when the night came, and it was almost time to go, you saw her going silent and becoming aggrivated. Then when it was time to go, the arguing and yelling began. I felt manipulated, which made me want to go even more. Then the crying began. I still planned to go. Then she started threatening to commit suicide. I DEFINITELY WENT OUT when she did that!

I've been too much manipulated in the past four years.

[Trog]

Why in the world would you want to be in a relationship with someone who insists in believing the worst about you? I forgive myself for wanting to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't honour and value who I am. Bless you and Goodbye.

[Infared]

Or even just seeing friends she thought I was trying to hurt her by going down the pub.

My cheated on me when I went away on a planned weekend with friends... she could have come and I wanted her to... .but I was ok and trusting leaving her at home... .I just respected her wishes and totally trusted her... .I thought that I was being good in the relationship by listening and honoring her wishes and being flexible. What a fool I was. She totally had a sleazy plan.

[hurting300]

Mine really didn't accuse me of much, I think she didn't care. Now I did accuse her of it because I had these terrible feelings something was off.

[neverloveagain]

Here is my take on that.

They are extremely fearful that you are acting like they do when you are not around.  Get it?

oh yes how very true. Whish i had seen it before we split.

[dobie]

For mine the trust/paranoia  issue was always money she earnt a lot more than me about half way into the r/s and she was always paranoid I was with her just for her money or going to screw her over for her money or taking advatange of her because of her money it was so ugly especially as I'm no way wired to be materialistic in fact post BU it was all she went on about how much more money she had spent and that I was only upset because of the money

[Infared]

For mine the trust/paranoia  issue was always money she earnt a lot more than me about half way into the r/s and she was always paranoid I was with her just for her money or going to screw her over for her money or taking advatange of her because of her money it was so ugly especially as I'm no way wired to be materialistic in fact post BU it was all she went on about how much more money she had spent and that I was only upset because of the money

Ouch... .greed is a sickness, too.

[dobie]

For mine the trust/paranoia  issue was always money she earnt a lot more than me about half way into the r/s and she was always paranoid I was with her just for her money or going to screw her over for her money or taking advatange of her because of her money it was so ugly especially as I'm no way wired to be materialistic in fact post BU it was all she went on about how much more money she had spent and that I was only upset because of the money

Ouch... .greed is a sickness, too.

Its not greed more paranoia (he only loves me for my money ) , insecurity (I will be left to fend for myself like my mum when my dad betrayed us )  and trust (he will take all my money and secuirty and probably run off iwth another women )issues

[Infared]

For mine the trust/paranoia  issue was always money she earnt a lot more than me about half way into the r/s and she was always paranoid I was with her just for her money or going to screw her over for her money or taking advatange of her because of her money it was so ugly especially as I'm no way wired to be materialistic in fact post BU it was all she went on about how much more money she had spent and that I was only upset because of the money

Ouch... .greed is a sickness, too.

Its not greed more paranoia (he only loves me for my money ) , insecurity (I will be left to fend for myself like my mum when my dad betrayed us )  and trust (he will take all my money and secuirty and probably run off iwth another women )issues

ok... .got it ... .there is a little money sickness mixed in there... .but its mostly insecurity/lack of trust/paranoia.   Its upsetting when you know what is going on, and you are this trusting, faithful, honest guy that cares about their well-being and they just don't see that they are ruining the whole shootin match... .and also... .it's your fault you know... .you are to blame... .

It's just TOTAL insanity!    

[dobie]

For mine the trust/paranoia  issue was always money she earnt a lot more than me about half way into the r/s and she was always paranoid I was with her just for her money or going to screw her over for her money or taking advatange of her because of her money it was so ugly especially as I'm no way wired to be materialistic in fact post BU it was all she went on about how much more money she had spent and that I was only upset because of the money

Ouch... .greed is a sickness, too.

Its not greed more paranoia (he only loves me for my money ) , insecurity (I will be left to fend for myself like my mum when my dad betrayed us )  and trust (he will take all my money and secuirty and probably run off iwth another women )issues

ok... .got it ... .there is a little money sickness mixed in there... .but its mostly insecurity/lack of trust/paranoia.   Its upsetting when you know what is going on, and you are this trusting, faithful, honest guy that cares about their well-being and they just don't see that they are ruining the whole shootin match... .and also... .it's your fault you know... .you are to blame... .

It's just TOTAL insanity!    

I sometimes wonder if it was part of her disengagment she was going to leave me after a huge fight three years ago (mostly my fault) after that the trust was gone I tried everything in the last three years to get it back but I was fighting a losing battle  


Her father was also poisoning her against me from that point on ... .he is a extremely paranoid evil sob probably NPD/aspd /BPD

[eyvindr]

I'm always intrigued when I read these types of posts, because they point out some real differences between my r-ship with my ex and what happened with so many people here on the boards.

First, the similarities are there, as always -- the baseless accusations, the unjustified interrogations, the arguments that resulted from a whole bunch of negative presuppositions that were etched in stone apparently before I was ever invited to the conversation, the sense of being unjustly sentenced for crimes not committed, without even having had a hearing. SO frustrating.

Why in the world would you want to be in a relationship with someone who insists in believing the worst about you? I forgive myself for wanting to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't honour and value who I am. Bless you and Goodbye.

And that's a huge part of why I eventually threw in the towel and left her, at least on the intellectual side of the processing. It continues to be a huge factor in helping me to remember why I left, and why it would never work, and why despite anything she might say to me now to attempt to win me back or repair things or reconcile that I will not accept it. NC remains in effect. I've left people for the very reasons she used to baselessly accuse me of -- yet never, in any or my r-ships, did I paint anyone black, let alone go on extended slash and burn campaigns to libel and slander ex gfs -- for any reason! Some relationships just don't work out -- heck, a lot of them don't. My ex seemed convinced that it was some kind of a crime! She went as far as to send me an itemized list of things that she wanted me to return to her -- mostly gifts that she'd given me, now claiming that they were her property that I was keeping -- and an invoice for money that she "spent" during the relationship, which she felt entitled to be reimbursed for. Her rational was that we were in a committed r-ship, and I broke up with her, thus committing "love fraud." As a result, I was responsible for compensating her for the money she invested in the relationship, since there was no way I could reimburse her for her time. No lie. Talk about objectification, huh? -- sounds more like a subscription than a relationship!

That said, my ex didn't ever cheat on me, though she was ultra-suspicious of me for no reason. And she never gave me the silent treatment -- in fact, it was something that she always accused me of giving her, during those times when I told her I was not going to interact with her until she was able to get ahold of herself, find a way to manage her emotions, and treat me with respect and civility, as opposed to lecturing me like I was a child, or some kind of dolt.

This all despite me being consistently supportive of anything she ever chose to do independently. Granted, there wasn't much. But one that stands out was her taking an out of town trip by herself to participate in a workshop -- the timing wasn't good for me, and her refusal to accept this led to an inevitable argument over it, which led to me also deciding that I didn't even WANT to attend with her. So, she went on her own. And I supported it -- as I had before when she was thinking about it -- because it was something she wanted to do, and that's what partners do for each other -- they support each others interests, even when some interests may not involve both parties. Instead of appreciating this, she pretty much spent every spare minute she had while she was away calling me and accusing me of more ridiculous nonsense! So, even when she exercised her own free will and did what she claimed to want to do, she found a way to make the whole thing a miserable drama. She couldn't even give me peace when she was out of town of her own choosing.

Exasperating.