BPD stbx ... and now uBPD mom

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Some history -

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=165814.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=188141.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=189202.0

I haven't posted in a while, but these boards having gotten me through many rough nights. There are times when I can write and don't stop for hours (like today) and then there are times that its just too hard to put my thoughts and feelings in writing.

In short -

Living with my BPD stbx was hell and divorcing him is even worse.  Quoted from the forensic psychologist report - "He is extremely motivated to hurt her as she has hurt him by wanting the divorce". My stbx has said it straight out to quite a few people - "He wants me bleeding on the floor and will go after me until there's nothing left of me."

He fought for custody and I didn't have the strength to fight back. I signed an agreement that the kids will live with him. It killed me and there were many days that the pain was so overwhelming that I didn't want to live. In time, I met amazing people whose support helped me immensely. When my stbx filed for sole legal custody (physical custody wasn't enough for him), my friends helped me raise funds. I retained a top attorney and I filed for physical custody. My attorney told me it was a long shot, that I had pretty much nailed my own coffin shut and due to the fact that the kids still wanted to be with him. But this time I wasn't giving up.

I also had to raise funds for a forensic psychologist. The psychologist picked up on his BPD, narcissism and paranoia fairly quickly. He saw me with my children and he said that if my youngest could crawl under my skin just to be with me, he would.

Early July 2014, my stbx was evicted and he asked me if the kids can stay with me for about 2 weeks until the next house is ready. I knew in my heart that this was the end - that I got my kids back . Of course the 2 weeks became 5 weeks and at the time the judge said that even if my soon stbx found another residence, the children would need to stay with me at least until the next court date - 3 weeks later. At the next court date, stbx still has no place of residence and my attorney asked for and the judge granted me temporary custody. Trial was scheduled to start 5 weeks later.

On Oct 27, 2014 - the judge decided that there will be no trial. My stbx still had no place of residence and he was also facing incarceration for child support arrears. When my stbx protested, the judge told him that he is entitled to a trial and but that it will be very short and in end the judge will grant me custody and he will have to pay all the attorneys fees. It was so nice to see that the judge finally realized who we were dealing with and take a strong stand in my favor.

I fought for my kids and I won! I can't explain how good it feels to have them with me.

They've been with me for over 7 months now. He sees them for about an hour every 6 weeks approximately. He does have liberal visitation including every other weekend and we split the holidays. But he doesn't take them ... .I can't even begin to imagine what this is doing to the kids - to go from a father who desperately fought for custody and all the lies he told them to justify it,  to a father who barely sees them. He shows no interest in their life at all. My S19 and S10 are seeing a therapist, my S15 is still refusing. My S19 is really struggling. I think he knows that his father lied and manipulated him, but he can't face that reality. It would shatter him completely ... .Im so worried for him. I have told him that his father has his faults like all of us, but he also has some wonderful qualities and thats what he should focus on. I told him that I want him to have a relationship with his father.

Its been very hard financially as I don't get a penny from my stbx. I remind myself often that I never imagined that I would make it this far and yet somehow, someway I did. I try to concentrate on getting through one thing at a time and that things have a way of falling into place.

And then everything fell apart again ... .I have known for many years that my mom has some major issues and that I grew up in an abusive home. I understood that that was probably why I married my stbx and why I stayed with him for so long. Recently my T mentioned that my mom may have some BPD tendencies. For some reason, I grabbed onto to that and decided to explore it further. And now Im completely lost all over again ... .

[Rini]

Some history -

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=165814.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=188141.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=189202.0

I haven't posted in a while, but these boards having gotten me through many rough nights. There are times when I can write and don't stop for hours (like today) and then there are times that its just too hard to put my thoughts and feelings in writing.

In short -

Living with my BPD stbx was hell and divorcing him is even worse.  Quoted from the forensic psychologist report - "He is extremely motivated to hurt her as she has hurt him by wanting the divorce". My stbx has said it straight out to quite a few people - "He wants me bleeding on the floor and will go after me until there's nothing left of me."

He fought for custody and I didn't have the strength to fight back. I signed an agreement that the kids will live with him. It killed me and there were many days that the pain was so overwhelming that I didn't want to live. In time, I met amazing people whose support helped me immensely. When my stbx filed for sole legal custody (physical custody wasn't enough for him), my friends helped me raise funds. I retained a top attorney and I filed for physical custody. My attorney told me it was a long shot, that I had pretty much nailed my own coffin shut and due to the fact that the kids still wanted to be with him. But this time I wasn't giving up.

I also had to raise funds for a forensic psychologist. The psychologist picked up on his BPD, narcissism and paranoia fairly quickly. He saw me with my children and he said that if my youngest could crawl under my skin just to be with me, he would.

Early July 2014, my stbx was evicted and he asked me if the kids can stay with me for about 2 weeks until the next house is ready. I knew in my heart that this was the end - that I got my kids back . Of course the 2 weeks became 5 weeks and at the time the judge said that even if my soon stbx found another residence, the children would need to stay with me at least until the next court date - 3 weeks later. At the next court date, stbx still has no place of residence and my attorney asked for and the judge granted me temporary custody. Trial was scheduled to start 5 weeks later.

On Oct 27, 2014 - the judge decided that there will be no trial. My stbx still had no place of residence and he was also facing incarceration for child support arrears. When my stbx protested, the judge told him that he is entitled to a trial and but that it will be very short and in end the judge will grant me custody and he will have to pay all the attorneys fees. It was so nice to see that the judge finally realized who we were dealing with and take a strong stand in my favor.

I fought for my kids and I won! I can't explain how good it feels to have them with me.

They've been with me for over 7 months now. He sees them for about an hour every 6 weeks approximately. He does have liberal visitation including every other weekend and we split the holidays. But he doesn't take them ... .I can't even begin to imagine what this is doing to the kids - to go from a father who desperately fought for custody and all the lies he told them to justify it,  to a father who barely sees them. He shows no interest in their life at all. My S19 and S10 are seeing a therapist, my S15 is still refusing. My S19 is really struggling. I think he knows that his father lied and manipulated him, but he can't face that reality. It would shatter him completely ... .Im so worried for him. I have told him that his father has his faults like all of us, but he also has some wonderful qualities and thats what he should focus on. I told him that I want him to have a relationship with his father.

Its been very hard financially as I don't get a penny from my stbx. I remind myself often that I never imagined that I would make it this far and yet somehow, someway I did. I try to concentrate on getting through one thing at a time and that things have a way of falling into place.

And then everything fell apart again ... .I have known for many years that my mom has some major issues and that I grew up in an abusive home. I understood that that was probably why I married my stbx and why I stayed with him for so long. Recently my T mentioned that my mom may have some BPD tendencies. For some reason, I grabbed onto to that and decided to explore it further. And now Im completely lost all over again ... .

[Rini]

An email I wrote to my T today -

I have been doing some reading on BPD moms. In a way it makes so much sense and my mom has so many BPD traits, but it still so hard to come to terms with it and what she has done to me. She is/was so manipulative (and my sister says smart) and twisted things around so that it wasnt her - it was for god or because it was her duty to teach us. It's so ingrained in me that I'm still making those excuses for her - that she meant well.

A little after I got married, I had a dream, or I guess a nightmare that I still remember. I was in a clothing store trying desperately to hide under the clothing racks. My mother was chasing after me with a gun and she had a smirk/sneer on her face - very malicious. That look was very familiar to me - I had seen it on her face very often growing up.

Last night, I was trying to recall why and when she had that look. For a long time I remembered that look but didn't think too much about it. Last night I remembered and it really shook me up. When we misbehaved, she would hit us with my dad's belt, with her shoe etc and then when my dad came home she would tell him what happened ( or her version of it) and many times he would hit us as well. We could never even try to defend ourselves since that would be disrespectful and get punished/ hit for that as well. Sometimes, she would just say that she doesn't have the strength now to hit us hard enough and so she's just going to leave it for my father since he's a lot stronger than her. When my dad would get home, she'd run to him with such excitement to tell him what happened. Then she would stand and watch as he hit us ... .That's when she had that look on her face ... .My sister says she thinks that my mom enjoyed hurting us physically. Maybe she did ... .I see it as her joy in being validated by my father and her immense pleasure of having that kind of control over my dad and over us.

I was reading through a questionnaire ... .One of the questions was - Do you set high standards for yourself? I can't answer that question. I don't know what to consider high standards ... .Maybe it's not high, I just need to work harder... .I couldn't begin to answer any of the questions ... .I just don't know ... .It's all so confusing ... .

Meals at home were a nightmare. My mom specifically then liked to make fun of anyone I would be trying to be friends with then. I never did have any friends growing up, I'm still working on really understanding why. But if I ever showed interest in someone, she'd find things to make fun of them. My siblings would join in ... .I know they did it to please her ... .But I can't forget how much it hurt and the amount of strength I had to find in me to remain stoic and not show her how much she hurt me.

I'm trying to understand why she would do it ... .She wanted to isolate me ... .To have complete control ... .She was jealous (?)  ... .It's all so hard to fathom that my mom did this to me and why she did it ... .And then there's the thought that she just wanted better for me, that they just weren't good enough for me ... .

There was a time that she would play a tape recording of me from when I was 2 yrs old. It was recorded during my bedtime. I threw my pacifier on the floor and then cry and my mom came into the room to give me my pacifier  ... .I repeated this a few times ... .I don't think I'll ever know why this was recorded, but my mom used it to show me and my siblings how bad I was as a baby... .And of course I was laughed at and made fun of etc.

I believe that the reason that I am so physically weak is because of all the years that I needed to be so strong to fight to survive, to exist - it just took everything out of me.

My sister says that she got from our mom more straight out -  "you're no good". I think with me it may have been more mixed messages or between the lines... .Which makes it so much harder to realize  ... .And it's also possible that Im just not remembering ... .I do remember  though so much of what she would say being extremely painful, cutting through me ... .

Because I can't remember so many specifics, it scares me. I hope I never did that to my kids. Would I know if I did? Did I ever make a remark where I thought I was teaching them but I actually hurt them so bad? Did she know? How could she not know?

You asked me about the times or the things that make me feel good about myself. I don't know what that means ... .I don't know if I've ever truly felt good about myself. If I did, I don't know that I would recognize it ... .It's so painful

My mom used to tell us about herself, as a child, her parents, her life before us etc.  Everything was always perfect. She and her siblings were the best children, never fought, never angered their parents, she was always the top of her class, had so many friends, never complained and never expected anything from their parents. She was very pretty ( it's amazing how she turned all her "flaws" into attribute... .she's short - but my father specifically wanted someone short, she has thin lips- but it's nicer than large lips and anyone who had lips that were thicker, she didn't think was pretty because of that, her backside is flat and her chest is not big - it's more modest). She was a teacher and all her students loved her and they remember her until today. She gave all her earnings to her father and she only had 2 outfits which she sewed herself.

My parents moved to the states when my mom was 7 months pregnant with me. She claims that my fathers family never accepted her - they were intimidated by her. She says that my grandparents never wanted my dad to marry her and that they didn't pay for the wedding. For years I heard about how awful my aunt was , how she promised that her parents would pay for the wedding but then they didn't. She told us how after the wedding she repaired my fathers undershirts that had holes in them because his parents didn't give him money to buy new ones for the wedding. She had something negative to say about all of my fathers siblings. Relatives and neighbors were all kept at a distance.  She loved to repeat compliments she received but then she would negate so much of that person- that they were fake and that they didn't really like us.

My mom almost never left the house. She would stay in for weeks, probably months at a time. She had no friends. She pretty much only spoke to her sister - for hours every day.

It's amazing how I never really saw it the way I'm seeing it now. She claimed to be so loved and popular , yet I never saw any of that  ... .She had nothing and had almost no one. But everyone else was to blame, not her fault at all. She instilled in me how amazing she is and for so long I believed it ... .I couldn't see how awful she really was. I remember my stbx telling me that he doesn't understand how/why when I told him stories of my childhood and how she hurt me, I would still praise her.  ( I know... .the irony of it)

One of my aunts once told me that she loved me. I told my mom. Her response was that I shouldn't believe my aunt, that my aunt loved her other nieces much more than me.

This incident is something I've always been very ashamed of. It's really hard to share, but the more I think about it, I realize how much it probably impacted my life. I switched schools for 8th grade. My mom decided that school I had been attending was too hard and this one would be easier. That's what she told us ( she switched me and my 3 sisters), though I'm not really sure that that was the reason. I was a very good student up until 7th grade ... .I think things just got really hard for me and I couldn't concentrate on school.

The change was not easy for me. I didn't fit in and didn't feel accepted. I remember a time when 2 girls were the captains and had to choose teams. At the end, I was left with one other girl. She was a very quiet girl and was considered the most unpopular in the class. The captain who chose me because there really wasn't another choice, made a comment that killed me. I don't remember what it was exactly, but she was complaining how it wasn't fair etc. What killed me was that I realized that she saw me and the other girl as the same. Up until then, I still tried to put up a strong front, but then it was thrown in my face and I couldn't deny it.

One day, after school, I told a teacher that I liked that I don't want to go home and that I want to go home with her. I had thought about it for a while. I knew that it was crazy... .she was very young herself and it's crazy to think that she would actually take me home with her. I'm still so mad and disgusted with myself for doing something so childish and insane.

The school notified my mom and my dad came to pick me up. He was very angry that he had to leave in the midst of a job to deal with me. I refused to move and he physically carried me out of school.

The school told my parents that I couldn't return unless I was seeing a therapist. My mom said that there was no way I was going to see a therapist because then everyone would say that I was crazy. She also told me that no one in the world loves me like my family and that they don't really care about my problems and so I should never tell anyone about my problems at home... .I understood her explanation, I even agreed with her.

It's hard to describe the incredible shame I felt. How stupid can I be, and how crazy to think that the teacher would actually take me home with her ... .And so very childish... .I was 14 yrs old ... .

I think I may have created a fantasy life for myself in her home and even though I knew it was wrong and it was extremely hard for me to approach my teacher with this sort of request, I forced myself to do it... .Why? And now everyone knew ... .How did I not think that my teacher would tell the school?

I know now that I was never shown examples of normal relationships of any sort ... .Neighbors, friends, relatives, husband and wife ... .I know now why I question my relationship with others - do they really like me? Why do they? Do they really want to be my friend? Why are they?

I'm in so much pain. I've been through this with my stbx and it was torture.  Its so hard and I'm so angry at the unfairness of me having to do it all over again. In a way it's so much harder this time. Yanki was my husband not my mother. It's easier to give up trying to understand the how and why. I never felt towards my mother what I know others in healthy relationships with their moms feel. I don't dwell on it, it just is and me feeling angry or pained won't change it. But because of her, I've never felt that I belonged anywhere in this world, that I had the right to even exist , I felt like an imposter and was always living with the fear that I would be exposed as such. I know that had I had a healthier upbringing, I probably wouldn't have suffered the 18 years of an abusive marriage and am still suffering the affects of it. And I wouldn't keep questioning if it really was abusive or if it was abusive enough... .

I know that it's because of her, but I don't remember so many details to really understand why. I know, or I read that if/when a parent does "this"  - the affect on the child is such and such. There are times that I know that "this" happened but it's very vague and therefore I question how honest I am with myself and did it really happen. I need to dig deep to find and remember a specific incident and only then can I begin to understand how it had an impact on me. And even then, I will rationalize, make excuses for her ( the same excuses she grilled into me ). And there are times when I will insist that she never did "this" at all, only to be reminded of a specific incident ( by my sister, usually) and I would need to have it explained to me how that incident was her doing "this" and how that's not ok and how that would affect me.

I feel so used by my parents, I could say so used up by them. They took it all, I feel that there's nothing in me but a huge mess of "not normal". I was a rag doll for them to use for their benefit. Anything that I did, my entire existence was to serve their needs or as they put it - god. Having any sort of thoughts, feeling or emotion meant that I was being selfish.  I feel like they gave me life and then took whatever I had as a human for themselves in a slow and excruciating process ... .but I still have to go on with life as a shell, a shadow, as a nothing. So many times, I wished that I was never born ... .

I know now that I should have been allowed to have my own thought, and that it wasn't wrong to acknowledge my feelings, or even the fact that I had feelings. I know now that I should've been allowed to be myself even though I didn't know then and I still don't know what that actually means.  - and that's what's so hard ... .I don't know if I ever will.

I worked hard since the breakup of my marriage to become stronger and I thought I was, but lately  I've realized that it was only the surface. I learnt and was able to accept that it wasn't me, it was him but now I that I didn't get to the root- my childhood. I feel like there's still so many things that are wrong with me but I'm not aware of. I'm terrified that I might hurt my kids unknowingly.

I really want to and I will do the work to find myself, but I don't really think there's anything to find ... .

... .maybe I'm just making a big deal out of nothing ... .No ones life is perfect ... .I'm afraid you might say that the way that I wrote and the words that I used are overly dramatic - proving that I'm just an attention seeker ... .

[Kwamina]

Hi Rini

You haven't been on here for quite some time, welcome back

I am sorry to hear that your sons are struggling with the lack of attention they're getting from their dad. I am glad though that your kids are back with you At one point you didn't feel like you had the strength left to fight your ex for custody. Living with someone with BPD can be very draining so I do understand the toll this can take on you. But you didn't really give up you know, you may have lost that first battle but you rebounded and later fought for your kids and won!

This time you're here because of your childhood and how this has affected you. It sounds like you've truly started to do some soul-searching and reflecting and your life. The way your parents treated you was very abusive and I am very sorry you experienced that. The hitting, verbal, emotional and psychological abuse was just wrong and indeed damaging to a child. What kind of relationship do you have with your parents now? Do you still have contact with them?

I suggest you take a look at the Survivors' Guide for children who suffered childhood abuse, you can find it to the right of this message board. The guide takes you through 21 steps from survivor to thriver. The 21 steps take you through three stages: remembering the abuse, mourning and healing.

... .but I still have to go on with life as a shell, a shadow, as a nothing. So many times, I wished that I was never born ... .

Considering the difficult childhood you've had it's understandable that you at times would experience negative emotions. I want to say though that I don't believe that you're any of the labels you apply to yourself here. You've been through a lot and are still here. You've survived your abusive childhood and also your abusive marriage and that takes a lot of strength and resilience You also got yourself back together and fought your husband for your children again in round 2 and that also shows a lot of character

I worked hard since the breakup of my marriage to become stronger and I thought I was, but lately  I've realized that it was only the surface. I learnt and was able to accept that it wasn't me, it was him but now I that I didn't get to the root- my childhood. I feel like there's still so many things that are wrong with me but I'm not aware of. I'm terrified that I might hurt my kids unknowingly.

I really want to and I will do the work to find myself, but I don't really think there's anything to find ... .

... .maybe I'm just making a big deal out of nothing ... .No ones life is perfect ... .I'm afraid you might say that the way that I wrote and the words that I used are overly dramatic - proving that I'm just an attention seeker ... .

I definitely wouldn't classify you as an attention seeker. Your parents abused you and in a way it actually makes sense that you're only now able to re-examine your childhood. While you were married you were basically in an unsafe environment and it's nearly impossible to heal any old wounds from childhood when you aren't in a safe place emotionally and mentally. Now that you're out of the marriage you finally have the chance to create a safe environment for yourself in which you can work on your healing. I am very happy that you've reached out for support here and I believe many of our members will be able to relate to your childhood experiences. Take care