my elderly mother is BPD and I have separated from her

[Only Child]

I need help with my decision to separate from my elderly mother (she is 93 years old, I am almost 65) which I began doing a few years ago.  It was slow separating from her at first, because she wouldn't leave me alone.  I would ask for no contact whatsoever to get some peace of mind and she would continue to harass and torment and stalk me constantly.  I blocked her e-mail address, I send back all letters to her without reading them, but she still tries to call me on the phone--she always has some excuse.  I let all my calls go into voice-mail, when I hear her voice, I simply cut her off.  None of this stops her.  Last summer, she drove herself (at her age) 50 miles to my house by herself unannounced.  I was shocked and taken off guard.  As of October I have made a firm break (no more help when she has to go to the hospital--no help at all).  SHe continues to harass me by phone, or any way she can.  She acts like nothing has come between us.  She doesn't reach out for help with friends or support by a professional.  We have no other family--I am an only child--no siblings; Dad died when I was age 2.  It has always been just the two of us.  Now, she won't let me detach in peace, even though I've been as kind and clear as can be.  I even send her flowers on special occasions (birthday, Xmas, Mother's Day).  I am overwhelmed and paralyzed with grief, sadness, fear, guilt obligation and the whole repertoire of emotions around "abandoning" my BPD elderly mother at her fragile age of 93 (she also lives alone) and on top of that feeling PTSD symptoms whenever she tries again to make contact.

[losthero]

Dear Only Child,  is there some way you can get a neighbors phone number to call and check in with to see how she is doing or is there an agency where you live such as APS that can assign someone to do welfare checks on her?   Or even private agency if you can afford it to help ease some of your anxiety.  Wow, I can only imagine the amount of pain you must have been in to come to this state at such a late stage in her life.  It certainly doesnt sound like she mellowed with age?  Im so sorry it has come to this.  Try reading up on toxic mothers to help you stay strong and validate your feelings.  It has helped me.  Stay strong and may peace find you. 

[Only Child]

Thanks Lost Hero, yes I'm trying to find any and all resources to help ME feel better.  You are correct, UBPD mother has NOT mellowed with age, she has only changed her strategies (now she is the Waif/Witch instead of the Queen/Witch).  I need support around my shame, loss, pain, grief.  I have worked with APS in her county, but they can only do so much--they have closed their file on her because she doesn't "need" any help from them.  I call the police to do a welfare check.  I really don't want to get involved in caretaking her from remote... .that is dangerous.  So I trust, because she is intelligent, that she will finally reach out and hire some caretaker(s) on her own.  She needs to get detached from me and stop coming to me for all her emotional needs.

[Tim300]

Only Child,

I am sorry you are going through this, and I understand your feelings of guilt, etc.; however, I believe you are being too hard on yourself.  You should not be expected to have to tolerate this behavior that gives you PTSD symptoms.  Furthermore, who knows, maybe she is better off without you always available.  I mean, you could view it has you doing her a favor by not enabling her behavior or triggering emotional turmoil for her by being close.   

[Only Child]

Tim300: this is exactly how I feel about it.  We're both better off for being separated.  Her insane actions trigger my PTSD constantly, and then I get rageful, and that hurts both of us.  So I'm doing this to protect us both.  I have warned her for many, many years that I'm not going to be able to be her "caregiver" and that she will need to hire professional help when she needs it.  She is capable and competent enough to do so on her own.  She doesn't want or need me as her caregiver anyway--I am totally useless and untrustworthy to her except as her "punching bag".  I'm just supposed to be there and continue fulfilling my role as her substitute for a life partner/companion.  I've tried everything, and this is the only way.  I can only pray she'll find the right help.  As for me, I am so damaged and I need alot of help dealing with my shame, and F.O.G. and PTSD, chronic anxiety and depression.  I am on SSDI and have stopped working as of 2010 to heal myself.