Too much anger - having a bad week

[Ridingthewaves]

Myself and unBPD-ex-bf, once upon a time fiance, broke up about 3 weeks ago, after a month of push pull silent treatment and games, I could not take it any more and I pulled the plug. Since then NC... .21 days today.

First two weeks NC I was fine, I was so busy on a work deadline I barely had time to think of it. I am sure some shock and denial in there too.

Then I went to my first appt with T - I dont know if any of you have had this experience but I did not like this T. She would not let me tell the story. She kept saying it was too much content... .I know its too much content, I lived it  and its a crazy story... .how do you think I feel having this story inside... .anyway... .she kept interrupting me and she even took the ex-unBPDs side at some point ... .saying that I was pressuring him to marry me... .if she had let me tell the story she would have know that he proposed to me a bunch of times and that we made plans based on those proposals that then went belly up, along side many months of my energy... .and that I needed to get clear on where he stood and I did... .i.e. the whole lets get married was just a load of BS.

Ok... .since then. Which was Thursday, I am alternating between major episodes of being angry as all hell - for hours - I am lietrally pacing up and down from how angry I am feeling. Angry at all of it, at the T, at teh guy, at my friends, at the universe, you name it I am pissed. And this then switches to missing him so much it hurts and wondering if we still have a chance. Then I realize that even if he came back, it would never work out because he is who he is. Then I feel like I just want to cry. Usually this is late at night before going to bed. Wake up in the morning angry and it starts all over again.

I am exhuasted.

And today one of my supervisors gave me a hard time about a piece of work he wanted in half the time really needed to write it and he is nit picking on it... .big project that I am involved in for another 2 months... .so I cant say anything to him... .but I feel its just another power game? I am tired of power games... .

Anyway... .I know that these are all stages of grief... .the anger and the tears... .just so much bigger anger and bigger grief than expected... .


Maybe I am angry now for the whole three years I could not be because too busy keeping things afloat and not triggering dude into silent treatment.

However I also really miss him, like sincerely miss him... .like I have a hole in my belly.

This is all very messed up :-( :'(  :'( I am not liking my life right now. I am actually not liking myself right now... .I feel like I turned into some kind of unhinged fire breathing dragon ... .I hope I will be me again some time soon.

[mrwigand]

Hey, I'm really sorry to hear that it's particularly tough for you right now. I can only speak from my experience, but to me your emotional response to everything that has happened is completely understandable and valid, and personally I can relate to what you've described. The bizarre combination of anger and yet a desire to reestablish that connection, return to that intimacy, however flawed and unstable it was.

Breakups are hard in general, but I'm finding at least in my experience when your partner has BPD. Right now I'm dealing with the silent treatment/passive agressiveness/non-acknowledgment, and even though it's unfair and unwarranted it still hurts.

Finally, let me say as someone who has been in therapy, that I would also be made very uncomfortable by some of that treatment style. In the very least, therapy is very personal and you have to be comfortable, and it sounds like this therapist doesn't make you comfortable.

[Ridingthewaves]

thank you mrwigand... .yeah... .was not comfortable with her at all. I dont think I will be going back. Thank you for validating that... .T must at least be willing to hear the story as crazy at may all sound... .I felt she was trying toi skip right to the "treatment"... .but I need to have at least one person that can hear me and be on my side... .I wanted to go back to my old T but appears he just had brain surgery for a tumor and is out of commission for months to come. Need to find someone more like him.

And yes to the grief... .I think its worst because there is so much that does not make sense and so many betrayals and its like grieving two people, the one you loved and the one you hated... .because they switch... .and our poor brains cannot keep up. Its all very confusing.

[wavelife]

I have been to three Ts in my life for different struggles.  I had one that made me so angry I went cross eyed!  Another that seemed incompetent.  My current is pretty good and I feel better when I leave.  Stick with therapy but try someone else.  Find one that helps you.

Hang in there!  You will be through this season on to a new much better one 

[Tim300]

I'm sorry that you are going through this.  Believe me, it will get better with time.  You will eventually be relieved at this outcome.

My pwBPD demanded that we see a T together.  I think my pwBPD thought this would "set me straight".  Well, after a few sessions the T pretty much indirectly indicated that everything was the fault of my pwBPD.  So my pwBPD fired the T.  And then my pwBPD terminated our relationship shortly after.  For our relationship to continue, the T would have had to have said that I was the bad guy and I would have had to play along with this.   

[Rise]

Hey Ridingthewaves,

I get how you feel. It's going to be okay. I know you know, but what you're going through is absolutely normal. I know it's the most cliche of cliches, but you really do need to give it time. You're three weeks out. And considering the first two weeks you were focused on other things, really it's not surprising this is all hitting you at once right now. That isn't much time to process everything. I know it probably isn't too much of a comfort right this second, but I promise it does get better.

What happened with your therapist sounds awfully frustrating, no wonder you're upset. Therapists all have their own styles and personalities. We aren't all going to click with everyone. It's important that you find one that you are comfortable with. It's also important to remember that therapists are like doctors: For all their training and experience, they aren't always right. Sometimes we need to get second opinion. Don't be afraid to look for a new therapist that is going to meet your needs. You're the important one in this equation.

I get not liking who you are right now. I've been there. But try and remember being angry doesn't have to change who you are. (If I visit France, it doesn't make me French). It doesn't have to define you as a person. There's more to you than that. Give yourself a little bit of time to work through this, and I promise all the other wonderful things about you will start coming back out.  

Best Luck,

Rise

[Tibbles]

Hi - sorry you are going through this. The emotions after a break up can be so intense. I too felt great anger. I got rid of some of it on my drive to work. Luckily the car has tinted windows and I used to scream my anger out. Called him all sorts of names. Turned up at work with a sore throat and no voice a few times.   The point is maybe you could find a way to get rid of that anger. Pacing is good but maybe a run, hit a pillow, scream. Whatever works for you. I always felt really drained afterwards but it also felt really good getting rid of that anger and vocalising it made it real for me too - as you said having spent years putting a stop on my anger it had built up and needed to explode.

I'd change therapists. I've found therapy great so shop around. Good luck

[Ridingthewaves]

Thank you everybody for the support, truly appreciated... .the past few days have been so hard... .the added work stress is not helping... .the timing of all this is not great - major project colliding with major grief = major meltdown ;-)

Thank you Rise for pointing out that being this angry does not make me a bad person... .I must confess that I can rarely remember feeling this angry ... .but I guess this is the anger stage of grief and a very big magnified stage... .need to find another way to express it as Tibbles said. I am thinking kick boxing may do it ... .running is not enough I need a target ;-)

Part of it is the no closure - like he gets to silent treatment his way out of it and drop a 3 year relationship by simply no longer showing up? Less than two months ago we were talking of my moving and was his sounding board about the best choice for his son's baseball team... .then out of the blue, at thanksgiving, he does a 180 and puff ... .its all gone... .and I cant even be angry at him as has done this time and time again... .the 180... .so then one also just left with the feeling that I was just deluded to think it could ever go any differently... .and yet, as mrwigand says, against all odds I still miss him. The mix of feelings going on inside a person when so much stuff goes down is overwhelming for me at times... .I hope I survive this... . :'(

And yes... .therapist needs to go... .I have a feeling that this therapist has issues... .trust me to find a therapist with issues right now ;-) ... .Hopefully my second choice will be better ... .

[Tim300]

And yes... .therapist needs to go... .I have a feeling that this therapist has issues... .trust me to find a therapist with issues right now ;-) ... .Hopefully my second choice will be better ... .

I feel like we need therapists who specialize in BPD.  Seek one out.  Some therapist who don't specialize in this simply won't be able to really understand what you're telling them.  You will end up knowing much more about BPD than them.

[Ridingthewaves]

Thats for sure Tim300... also I think we exit these relationships so punch drunk and traumatized that we end up looking like the crazy ones ... .

[christin5433]

Anger is exactly where I'm at. I just shared about in my recovery group. It sucks so I feel your pain I'm in my first week NC also out of a 3 1/2 year r/s . We were a family and lived together erased in a huff your right . Who wouldn't feel like they were worth nothing . That's my self worth . I'm just going thru the motions hoping I will find the light at the end of this tunnel . Keep the faith I am. I can go into so much more that was done soo wrong and it just feeds my anger. Tonight I feel light. I know who would want such a loser who takes what u build together and just through it away. Now we got to get our brains worked on ? Why were so messed up to be so discarded and abused. I hope for you and me when they decide that they need again if that happens because hey you never know when it comes to impulsive people who need ... .I hope it's a "no" that I say and never look back . I'm trying to get to some answers that I need to not go through this again. I hope well for you

[Infared]

Change therapists. They are not always a good "fit".

Yes... .you are in the middle of the grieving stages. It takes time. Crying and being angry and processing it in an adult fashion are healthy.

You are right where you are supposed to be in a life situation that you did not ask for. Hang in there. Sounds like you are handling it like an well!  Keep moving forward. Baby steps.

[CloseToFreedom]

Since a few days I've been agry too and I'm glad I am. I was afraid I would be stuck in the sad phase forever. But after 7 weeks, I finally start getting angry with her.

Embrace your emotions and make sure you don't express them in a way that they can hurt someone else or yourself.

[Suzn]

I feel like we need therapists who specialize in BPD.  Seek one out.  Some therapist who don't specialize in this simply won't be able to really understand what you're telling them.  You will end up knowing much more about BPD than them.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience with your T. It didn't sound comfortable for you at all and I agree you have every right to feel angry. I'd like to also agree with Tim, I sought out a T that was experienced with BPD patients. I'm pretty sure it spoke volumes about me when I told her I was a codependent who had just ended a r/s with a pwBPD. Time is paramount with your T. Her response was "you must be exhausted." And I was, completely depleted.

I've heard a lot of people say you don't need a T that treats pwBPD and I just think that Tim is right they have a completely different understanding of the r/s dynamics. A lot of Ts, who aren't, will spend a lot of time trying to figure out the other person when you walk in and state my ex was BPD. Or so it seems.

My T is a gem, visiting her is a real comfort and she's an excellent teacher. I hope you find the right T for you, you deserve that.   

[Infared]

I feel like we need therapists who specialize in BPD.  Seek one out.  Some therapist who don't specialize in this simply won't be able to really understand what you're telling them.  You will end up knowing much more about BPD than them.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience with your T. It didn't sound comfortable for you at all and I agree you have every right to feel angry. I'd like to also agree with Tim, I sought out a T that was experienced with BPD patients. I'm pretty sure it spoke volumes about me when I told her I was a codependent who had just ended a r/s with a pwBPD. Time is paramount with your T. Her response was "you must be exhausted." And I was, completely depleted.

I've heard a lot of people say you don't need a T that treats pwBPD and I just think that Tim is right they have a completely different understanding of the r/s dynamics. A lot of Ts, who aren't, will spend a lot of time trying to figure out the other person when you walk in and state my ex was BPD. Or so it seems.

My T is a gem, visiting her is a real comfort and she's an excellent teacher. I hope you find the right T for you, you deserve that.  

yes... yes ... .good stuff... .I had to rise to the occasion (even though I was doing very poorly)... I asked questions, got guidance... held my chin up and overcame some of the shame I had... . I did not get it right the first time... .We need to find someone that we feel comfortable with ... .someone we can relate to and also... some self honesty will go a long way here: someone who is going to make us do some work on ourselves. Push us.  I did not get it right the first time ... .but she was my bridge therapist that got me through my period of total devastation. ... I have substance abuse problems and when you are in that much pain I was at high risk to get into deep problems... .and as some of the fog lifted I could see that my T just didn't "get" me and I was not being pushed to change and be aware of who I was etc.  So... I found another T that was also in recovery and who immediately "got" me... .which I didn't like so much at first because I could not BS her.LOL... I had to do the work.  Plus she really understood what made me tick as soon as I walked in the room... .She spoke my language. She set a plan in motion with goals for me to change and grow.  It was one of the most profound experiences in my life.

So... .everyones' needs, make-up and fit are different... .so go on a journey... .a search... .interview them first!   With a little self awareness and a little push ... .you can find someone that can help you change and grow... .I think it is good for either party in these dysfunctional relationship.  I did not want to get myself into that downward spiral in a relationship like that ever again... .

[Ridingthewaves]

Yes on no downward spiral - and yes to finding new T - one of the things I did not like about this one, is that I felt judgement coming from her - I did not like it. I have since looked at her stuff and she is only recently licensed. So she may not have enough therapy chops to understand the complexities here.

As far as my process - I can safely say the past few days have been some of the most painful of my life - the rage is getting colder and not sure if thats such a good thing - but I am also feeling something in me die - I was always very nurturing and compassionate with him - but now feeling like I would spit on him if he walked in front of me - this degree of rage is new territory for me - I am sure I am trying to resolve something about this whole story - maybe a deep sense of betrayal... .or maybe its just all too painful and this is how I am coping. I think the heartbreak of losing him is so big ( between friendship and relationship he was in my life daily for almost 5 years), that the anger is a safer place for me than facing the pain. I can feel the pain surface and when it does its almost like I feel I cant handle it and I switch into anger instead.

Also... .although I understand the importance of NC ... .and I have done NC after break ups before ... .wow this is hard... .its like somebody dying ... .a person that was there every day now is 100% gone for good. Its actually making the memories more painful. And my brain is doing strange things, digging up memories from a long time ago, good ones, of the first year in which we were together, before I found out that he was a liar and hid things from me and still believed in him :-( ... .and yet  have been NC for three weeks and we weren't speaking before either... .all of a sudden all this anger and pain ... .what a sucky experience :-(

I hope this subsides at some point... .this is not a fun process :-(

Its always worst at night... .going to bed now, hopefully tomorrow is a better day :-(

[Tibbles]

Hang in there Ridingthewaves. What you are going through is normal and we have all gone through it. Your emotions will stabilise and you will turn a corner, but it is a process that takes time. You have lost something very significant to you and the anger is all part of that. So too are the memories of when it was good and the yearning for that time.

And yes the nights suck. No two ways about it. But they will get better.

Hang in there

[Rise]

I think the heartbreak of losing him is so big ( between friendship and relationship he was in my life daily for almost 5 years), that the anger is a safer place for me than facing the pain. I can feel the pain surface and when it does its almost like I feel I cant handle it and I switch into anger instead.

RtW,

I tend to react this way as well. Anger I can handle. I can channel it. I know how to do angry. Hurt and vulnerable... .well that I'm not very good at. But it's okay. I like to think of anger as sort of the scab to your emotional wound (Yeah I know, gross analogy, but bear with me). It's there to cover stuff up and keep you from bleeding while you heal. As long as you don't let it become unhealthy, when you've healed enough and it's run its course, the anger will fall away. Give yourself the chance to heal, and things will get easier.

-Rise

[christin5433]

Ridingthiswave I totally am where you are It does suck I'm on day 8 NC and there wasn't much talk prior to the NC except cold bs. We all need to get through this and get to the other side. I'm as sick as you in pain disgusted at how one can be a daily part of your life friends lovers companions to zero nothing death.

My question to you is do you even think they care?

I'd have to guess not enough.

[Ridingthewaves]

Anger as temporary scab to not bleed out - yes, I get that, thank you  x   x   x  very helpful image, Rise :-) x

Thank you to everybody on this thread... .you guys are very helpful and a lifeline... .

One thing I am noticing ... .you are all really wise ... .maybe relationships with BPDs are a test for old souls --- if we pass we become strong, wise and able to weather all storms... .maybe the BPDs are there to find the vulnerable spot in an otherwise very loving and wise being... .that just needs to get stronger... .

I often felt that with my ex-unBPD... .that he highlighted my weaknesses in a way nobody else could. I thought I was healed from my childhood wounds before he came along... .I had done a lot of therapy already and thought I had it together... .but ... .oh no... .there was more... .and he honed in on it like a seek and find missile.

Time to rebuild.

Grateful for all of you.

Much love x

[sweetheart]

Maybe I am angry now for the whole three years I could not be because too busy keeping things afloat and not triggering dude into silent treatment."



RTW 

It's sounds like your therapist triggered your anger in preventing you from saying what you wanted to say. It would seem that during your relationship you prevented yourself from saying what you wanted in order to keep the peace. This is true of all of us myself included when we are in a relationship with someone who has BPD.

If this T does not suit find a T that does, one that allows you and gives you the space and time to tell your story the way you need to tell it.