My BPD mom is dying, for real this time, I'm a complete mess, please help me

[unreasonablysad]

I first found this board when I was in grad school.  I don't remember my old name but this was the first time I even found other people like me.  It was the first time, in my entire life, I didn't feel completely different from the rest of the human race.  This board changed my life.  I healed, a lot, got better, a little, and moved on with my life.

I also literally moved on... .moving 3500 miles away from my mom over three years ago.  I haven't seen her since then but we have kept in touch over the phone.  There were many fights.  Although, none as severe as before I learned how to set boundaries, in part, due to this board.

About 6 months ago, she got a new medical diagnosis.  I had a plane ticket home and didn't go because my cat got sick.  She got a little worse but was mostly stable.  We still talked until a month ago.  Then, she stopped talking to me on the phone.  Dad started making excuses.

In a matter of 12 hrs today, she went from getting ready to be discharged to having a DNR and being moved to hospice care.  She got a perf'd bowel during a "routine" procedure yesterday.  I immediately went to buy a plane ticket and discovered my wallet, my cards, my ID... .all lost.

I've slowly been melting down all day.  I can't find them - they are NOT here.  My significant other thinks he might have accidentally carried them out of the house with a box of donations last weekend.  I've spent the last 3 hours sobbing uncontrollably regretting every mean word... .even ones I didn't say out loud.

My healed brain knows I was reacting sometimes and setting boundaries other times and that it isn't my fault.  My broken brain, which - let's be real - is most of my brain, is just devastated and having uncontrollable guilt.  I wish I would have told her that I appreciated that she tried... .I wish I would have made her feel loved.

I would give just about anything for a do-over of my adult life.  I spent too much time trying to let her know she wronged me and too little time accepting what happened and showing her kindness... .and I know that's not what everyone would have done or even what would have been healthy but I think I'd feel better today.

I just am so sad that she was so sad.  It's like I'm feeling all of the pain and shame and guilt and everything at once.  I just don't know how to move forward.  Now that I don't have ID, it's going to be a 36 hr drive home.  I probably won't get there before she dies anyway.  Do I still go?  Do I stay here and meltdown?  I can't think clearly... .

This is how broken I am tonight.  I'm worried if I go and she's dead before I get there or even if I go after she dies, that it would be doing a bad thing because I didn't go to see her when she was alive and now I'm wrong for going when she's dead.  She always thought I spent more time with my dad anyway... .

Ok, I guess I'm finished ranting.  Obviously, I need to come back, get my head straight, and grieve this loss in a healthy way.  I know, from my time here before, that not everyone will have reacted this way.  I know there were a lot of really strong people here.  I'm not there yet... .I thought I was but I'm just not... .

I love her despite all of the horrible things she did to me.  I am sorry that I ever treated her the way she treated me.  I wish I could have made her feel loved.  I wish I could have told her she wasn't a horrible mother all of the time.  I wish I could have told her she made awesome cookies.  I wanted to not feel anything but I feel EVERYTHING.

Thank you for letting me vent.  I'll be back on/off as I go through this and I hope to participate more too.  I'm sorry I left the board.  I thought it was better not to think about the bad stuff and just move forward.  Instead, now, I'm drowning in worry, regret, shame, sorrow, and confusion.  I love her and I wish I could have made her see that... .

[estelithil]

I don't have any advice for you (as I am just starting out in my healing) but wanted to comment. I can really feel your pain and guilt in your words. I hope you find peace. xo

[polly87]

Hi unreasonablysad, I just wanted to wish you strength to deal with this difficult situation. It's okay to feel all of those things because this is a very complex and hard situation so your feelings are also complex. How are you feeling now?

Wishing you peace and strength.

[EJ23]

Hi, I am new here so I don't know much of what to say. I wanted to reach out and let you know I understand.   Big hug.  Last year, my BPD mom had a tumor and went through chemo and had to get a prosthetic leg.  She lives in another country so there was NO WAY I could get there. I was angry, bitter, regretful, and felt a little guilty, too.  I think you should get in your car and just go with your fiance.  Be with her, even if it is after she passes. It may help you find peace and closure.  And who knows, maybe she will hold out until you get there  - wish for a miracle or for science to pull through.  Are you able to call and speak with her? There is nothing they can do to help her? With a perforated bowel usually there is surgery that can be done.  I am so sorry about your cards and wallet - don't forget to call and cancel them if you can't find them or at least call the place where you left your donations asap! 

Please let us know how it goes. 

<3