I'm not sure how to communicate with my mom anymore, I need support.

[EJ23]

Hi!   This is a long post,  but I'm really hoping someone can take the time to read this!  A few years back I had seen a psychologist who thought my mom (given my description of her) probably has BPD.  Since then, I have done tremendous research and feel like the description is 80% accurate.  I say this because either she does not exhibit every single symptom or hides them very well. She does a GREAT job at putting up a front - for about five minutes or anytime she is confronted.  As of late, I have not been able to find any way to communicate with her effectively.  She thankfully lives halfway across the world so we only communicate online, but it is still very frustrating and leaves me stressed for days!  My interaction with her really affect my home, school, and work life as well as my relationships with others.  I have to take weeks at a time in between talking to her  because it is just so exhausting.

Let me explain more about why I think she has BPD:

1. She feels like she has to defend herself immensely and anytime the littlest suggestion is made she will fly off the handle.  An example: Yesterday we chatted and I said "mom, could you listen to me for a minute I have great news!" (she tends to see me online and just start writing about her problems with no way for me to get a word in edgewise)... .Well this resulted in her saying I am accusing her of not being a good mother or good listener and how dare I accuse her or feel this way.  She continued to go on about just how good of a mother she is for over 100 messages - yep 100! That is not uncommon, sometimes I'll log online to see over 200 messages of her ranting about something she is upset about.  Other times, she will put the blame back on you.  She is a nurse so she knows how to act calm and collected and manipulate the situation.  And i ALWAYS have to walk on eggshells with her.  So if I were to say "I feel like sometimes you get so excited about what you're saying I cant get a word in edgewise " She would say "Well, I am sorry you feel that way (my full name in stern tone), perhaps you should seek counseling to view communication a different way. I can see how needy you are. How dare you say that I am not a good mother when I have done x and x and x for you... ." Then it all becomes unrelated to the original question I asked... .(sighs).  

2. She has tumultuous relationships- she gets way too close to friends too fast and then gets into arguments with them, quits her job, and stops talking to anyone associated with them. That happened at least a dozen times while I was growing up.  At some points she would just refuse to work and have to see anyone at all (resulting in my commitment-phobia about working).  

    She was with my dad (an alcoholic) until about 7 years ago. It was a terrible relationship. They enabled each other.  I am seeing the same exact pattern in her current relationship. She will cry and be distraught and not leave the house or turn to me for counseling, etc... .Just refuse to talk about anything at all if she is upset other than what is upsetting her.  So right now she is with a man she met online about 6 years ago.  She didn't know him from a hole in the wall, but started talking to him HOURS a day and quickly became obsessed. After about two months she flew to live with him saying he was her soulmate leaving me a townhouse to pay for (on minimum wage part time salary at 18 years old) with no warning and not even a little concern of what would happen to me - so naturally i was evicted.  Trying to grasp what was just happened, I lost my job and had to stop school. I was homeless for 2 years until I could get back on my feet.  Having BPD, her bond with this man is SO strong that if you even hint that we change the subject, she goes back to defense mode and is very offended.  She could write a novel about how in love she is with this guy.  Well let me tell you, lately all she does is cry about how her life is over and in crisis mode and she couldn't possibly get out of bed because he just doesn't love her anymore - "how could he not see how much i love him, we are soulmates, i am his princess." "families don't leave each other, i'll stay here forever waiting for him."  Meanwhile, they are so far in debt their car and home were repossessed because she isn't making logical decisions.  Her whole identity IS this guy to the point where she forgets us kids and doesn't worry about what happens to us at all (i have a younger brother who just thankfully turned 18 but is afraid to leave my mom alone).  This man leaves the house for days at a time saying he has "work" and will never take her with him, she is essentially his puppy at home waiting and crying.  And she doesn't see a THING wrong with it - truly believes he is working and has good intentions and just begs him to love her. He is her "prince charming."

3. If i don't talk to her for even a day she thinks I don't love her anymore.  Growing up I felt like I was HER parent - scratch that - even now I feel like that! She says I'm her best friend (not her best daughter) - which sucks because I really want her to be my mom.  Besides, best friends don't treat each other like this.  She monopolizes every conversation.  She isn't helping my brother look at colleges saying she doesn't have room in her life for drastic life changes and I know he won't leave her because he worries.  The two of them just stay in the house ALL DAY.  She is rehabbing from a serious injury which makes it more difficult for them to get out and do things.    She always says she feels empty inside.

4.What's strange is the she is obsessed with positive thinking and posts at least 10 positive thinking quotes a day on her facebook wall and says things like "fairy dust to you" or "sending healing energy from one soul to the next"to her friends and then will write to me all distraught simultaneously.  Its so weird!  But then if you confront her about her depression and destructive thinking and how her "life is over"she says how dare you, i am strong independent mother who is always positive. It's crazy! I don't know what to make of it. She is in TOTAL denial and genuinely doesn't see how she behaves privately. She truly thinks she is the most level headed and positive person on this planet.

I am at my wits end. I have no idea how to communicate and further more, I feel like her parent. I always have had to be her parent because she is so helpless. I have learned to take a step back and not get too involved but even saying hello is a task lately.  Furthermore, I hate not having parents to guide me and help me make life decisions. Thank god for my understanding fiance or I would be so alone!    

[Ziggiddy]

Oh EJ23! I wanted to laugh and cry and hit my head on the desk all at the same time reading your post!  I SO identify with your r/ship with your mother. in particular the defensiveness and the monopolisation of any conversation. i find my mother can, in 2 seconds flat make everything all about her!

I can understand your frustration - most mothers are wrapped up in the wellbeing of their children rather than expecting their children to be there for them.

It's sad that she is reversing the parent child role and much of what you describe is quite similar to BPD symptomology.

While you are naturally concerned about her state of living that part of the deal is really up to her - you can't do much to make her suddenly become responsible or interested in you or your brother, but waht you CAN do is find ways to minimise the impact of her behaviours on your own life.

Have you managed to have a look at the educational materail that's available on the site?

Normally as a new poster I would recommend you read the introductory BPD stuff but I have a feeling you might benefit from reading about BPD behavioural styles and the effects of a BPD mother on her children.

I will put a link in here:

Article 8: How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

Do let us know what you think.

The more you are able to decide on what specifically you would like to address, the more we can point you toward the right material and support you

Ziggiddy

[EJ23]

Hi Ziggiddy!  It made me giggle reading your comment about laughing, hitting head on the table, and cry all at the same time.  That's exactly  how I feel.         I am really looking forward to being part of this community. I feel like I hit the jackpot, this is exactly what I need.  Its funny, I didn't realize that link belonged to your site. I was reading it this morning and I really identified with it so I then searched for BPD parent forums and found this one.  I need to go reread it.   Is there any other reading I can do?

[Ziggiddy]

Yes BPD messes with all your emotions doesn't it? i think the trick is trying to keep in mind that this too shall pass.

Sure there's some excellent articles and PDF's here. They have helped me no end.

I think its important to learn about placing boundaries and reducing conflict - these are strategies you can start putting in place right away and they do a great deal to make you feel empowered which is something that is often missing for the children of pwBPD.

I found these two articles particularly helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0 - about identifying fear obligation and guilt and how these things can be used in dysfunctional r/ships

and this one about the characteristics of healthy r/ships: Article 15: The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

Is there something uppermost in your mind that you would like to talk about to help guide you toward specific material?