I'll use her property and anything that I have to compel a face to face

[JRT]

She OWES me a reason, and frankly, an apology. I not only want this, I demand it I don't care what F*%$ing disorder she has. This is what adult human beings do... .I probably will not get one but she will not get her property back either - its out of sight in my basement. I know that sounds childish of me but I am ok with that.

[FoolishMan]

She OWES me a reason, and frankly, an apology. I not only want this, I demand it I don't care what F*%$ing disorder she has. This is what adult human beings do... .I probably will not get one but she will not get her property back either - its out of sight in my basement. I know that sounds childish of me but I am ok with that.

Fair enough, I agree, it's very childish of you. Good luck!  

[JRT]

So was that remark... .we are here to support one another, not judge. I would appreciate if you kept nonconstructive opinions such as this one to yourself.

[JRT]

I actually want to keep this stuff. I WANT to speak with her again if for no other reason that she do the right thing and provide me with her rationale for doing what she did. I'll use her property and anything that I have to in order to compel this. I have a large basement and it is no skin off of my nose to store it until she grows up and does the right thing. We are owed this from them.

[NYMike]

LOL.What the heck,your being HONEST.It is how you feel right now.

[GrimFellow]

I actually want to keep this stuff. I WANT to speak with her again if for no other reason that she do the right thing and provide me with her rationale for doing what she did. I'll use her property and anything that I have to in order to compel this. I have a large basement and it is no skin off of my nose to store it until she grows up and does the right thing. We are owed this from them.

And if it comes to this conversation what you think you will hear from her? truth? what she believes at the moment to be truth? Lies? Delusions? Funny childhood stories? Stop lying yourself and face the truth. SHE IS DEEPLY DISORDERED PERSON AND SHE IS NOT ABLE TO PROVIDE ANY OBJECTIVE EXPLANATION. She can offer you only lies- byproducts of defence mechanisms, ALL JUST WORDS, ANOTHER WORDS FROM PERSON WHO ADDICTED YOU TO THESE WORDS. Is it really worth it? You want to hear from her again? You want to control the situation this time by keeping her property? You think you will force her to become sane, or you just want to feel stronger just for a while, before she will trick you again poor little rascal?

You will store it until she grows up? She is already grown up and what you see is the final product.

You are in pain and that's fully understandable, but just to be clear she doesn't owe you anything, just as mine BPDex doesn't owe anything to me. They both live in other world than us, they can't learn through experiences. They still repeat the same cycle, but you don't have to, because you're able to have insight into your own behavior.

If you want this behavior to be controled by her tricks with leaving something behind, it's your choice. There is always a reason to contact them and it lies not in your basement but between your ears. Sooner you'll understand that, sooner you will leave HER behind.

I wish you the best on your journey my friend. Don't make anything stupid and be safe  

[JRT]

Grim... .you are making a LOT of assumptions here. NONE of that is my intent at all, have you and I dated?

I want her to look me in the eye just one last time. And I want her to see the face that she inflicted so much pain upon. I want her to see the human face. I know her better than you or anyone else... .THIS is her supreme punishment. And she DOES owe me this... .so does yours. They HAVE the capacity, stop making excuses,

Your post was hardly helpful, in fact it was aggressive and inappropriate - true to your nom de plume. We are here to support one another. You came to apply YOUR assumptions and claim your superior command of this PD. Next time, ask questions and get to know the situation before you respond. THEN, think 'Primum non nocere'.

[downwhim]

JRT, I get what your saying. They owe us explanation only for me I don't want to see or be around him. It makes me too anxious but for you it is closure. Hang in there. I have read your posts. I know what she put you through!

[JRT]

Thanks Do... .hugs.

[GrimFellow]

Grim... .you are making a LOT of assumptions here. NONE of that is my intent at all, have you and I dated?

I want her to look me in the eye just one last time. And I want her to see the face that she inflicted so much pain upon. I want her to see the human face. I know her better than you or anyone else... .THIS is her supreme punishment. And she DOES owe me this... .so does yours. They HAVE the capacity, stop making excuses,

Your post was hardly helpful, in fact it was aggressive and inappropriate - true to your nom de plume. We are here to support one another. You came to apply YOUR assumptions and claim your superior command of this PD. Next time, ask questions and get to know the situation before you respond. THEN, think 'Primum non nocere'.

If you think so, will see about that.

I don't percieve myself as a supperior commander of this PD, but I also know that you won't get any satisfaction from your "supreme punishment". Primarily because I witnessed reaction to this kind of "punishments". My BPDex once told me a story of a man who lying in front of the gate to her house in mud begged her to not replace him. She saw the face of the man that she inflicted so much pain upon. Was she sorry? No, she portrayed him as a stalker to me, she also laughed sometimes. Now I know that wasn't truth about that man. But I also think that she perfectly rationalized all harm she has done to him, and so does yours. You think that all BPDs live with sense of grief for every boy they treated like that? My oh, my is there any "normal" person living on this planet that could contain so much grief? My assumptions may be far-fetched if you think so, but they are in fact harmless to you. Your assumption about this whole "punishment" can lead you nowhere beyond prolonging your own suffering- and that's dangerous.

One last thing- my BPDex doesn't owe me anything, I don't want her to pay any emotional debts to me because all that she could ever offer was false. She's empty and discussion with her was, is, and always will be meaningless.

[JRT]

Yes... .your assumptions ARE far fetched as they relate to your and ONLY your situation... .perhaps there is some commonality with this one or that one but I hardly see how you can postulate whey your ex did to the man in the mud as a universal truth enough that you apply to me and my situation. Its like saying that since your engine failure was the carburetor then so should mine (when in reality its just a plug gone bad and mine still runs while yours will not turn over).

C'mon... .drop it... .we are all here to help, NOT be 'right'.

[CloseToFreedom]

Im a bit more on Grim's site with this one. All the times my ex has showed empathy, it was all just fake. The real person, she laughed about and painted her exes black to me, she laughed about and painted her friends black to me, even her family. She feels nothing for anyone, they're all full vessels to gain supply from until there's nothing to suck out of them anymore.

I'm sure she's doing the same thing with me to her new boyfriend.

As for her stuff, mine left some stuff at my house. I threw part of it out, and some stuff I liked (like a lamp) i kept. She won't get it back.

[drummerboy]

JRT, I seriously doubt you are going to get the closure you desire from your ex. She will probably do anything to avoid ever seeing you face to face again and even if you did are you really expecting a considered, rational explanation from her about what happened? There would just be more lies and gaslighting and you'd probably come away thinking you are the one with a disorder. You forget that a pwBPD is an emotional 5 year old and she sees you as the big bad wolf, I highly doubt that you will ever get the chance to have a face to face with her. She's most likely moving on with her excuse for a life , you must move on with yours.

[jhkbuzz]

JRT, I seriously doubt you are going to get the closure you desire from your ex. She will probably do anything to avoid ever seeing you face to face again and even if you did are you really expecting a considered, rational explanation from her about what happened? There would just be more lies and gaslighting and you'd probably come away thinking you are the one with a disorder. You forget that a pwBPD is an emotional 5 year old and she sees you as the big bad wolf, I highly doubt that you will ever get the chance to have a face to face with her. She's most likely moving on with her excuse for a life , you must move on with yours.

I think GrimFellow may be rather blunt in communicating his assessment, but what we are all trying to tell you is this:

We can all recognize your anger - we've been there.  But we also recognize how your anger is actually a protective cover over the deep emotional wounds that she's inflicted on you.  It is much, much easier to feel that anger than to feel that excruciating pain.  As such, I personally think you should go with the anger for a while - it definitely numbs the pain.

What you're failing to recognize - and what different people are trying to tell you in different ways - is that even if you see her face to face you will NEVER get the closure you're seeking from this disordered individual.  She may, in fact, inflict deeper wounds than the ones you're already living with.

We all let go of our anger when we're ready - not before.  But be careful not to allow your anger to dictate your behavior - anger is not a place where rational, healthy decisions come from.

[JRT]

Im a bit more on Grim's site with this one. All the times my ex has showed empathy, it was all just fake. The real person, she laughed about and painted her exes black to me, she laughed about and painted her friends black to me, even her family. She feels nothing for anyone, they're all full vessels to gain supply from until there's nothing to suck out of them anymore.

I'm sure she's doing the same thing with me to her new boyfriend.

As for her stuff, mine left some stuff at my house. I threw part of it out, and some stuff I liked (like a lamp) i kept. She won't get it back.

I don't disagree

[JRT]

JRT, I seriously doubt you are going to get the closure you desire from your ex. She will probably do anything to avoid ever seeing you face to face again and even if you did are you really expecting a considered, rational explanation from her about what happened? There would just be more lies and gaslighting and you'd probably come away thinking you are the one with a disorder. You forget that a pwBPD is an emotional 5 year old and she sees you as the big bad wolf, I highly doubt that you will ever get the chance to have a face to face with her. She's most likely moving on with her excuse for a life , you must move on with yours.

This is the classic BPD case... .where I can see where you would draw the conclusion... .AND even if mine were in this category, it doesn't mean that I should't work towards my own goal. My life IS moving forward and I am dating... .really guys, you need to stop making assumptions.

[JRT]

JRT, I seriously doubt you are going to get the closure you desire from your ex. She will probably do anything to avoid ever seeing you face to face again and even if you did are you really expecting a considered, rational explanation from her about what happened? There would just be more lies and gaslighting and you'd probably come away thinking you are the one with a disorder. You forget that a pwBPD is an emotional 5 year old and she sees you as the big bad wolf, I highly doubt that you will ever get the chance to have a face to face with her. She's most likely moving on with her excuse for a life , you must move on with yours.

I think GrimFellow may be rather blunt in communicating his assessment, but what we are all trying to tell you is this:

We can all recognize your anger - we've been there.  But we also recognize how your anger is actually a protective cover over the deep emotional wounds that she's inflicted on you.  It is much, much easier to feel that anger than to feel that excruciating pain.  As such, I personally think you should go with the anger for a while - it definitely numbs the pain.

What you're failing to recognize - and what different people are trying to tell you in different ways - is that even if you see her face to face you will NEVER get the closure you're seeking from this disordered individual.  She may, in fact, inflict deeper wounds than the ones you're already living with.

We all let go of our anger when we're ready - not before.  But be careful not to allow your anger to dictate your behavior - anger is not a place where rational, healthy decisions come from.

Do you know what my goal is from seeing her face to face? I really appreciate the input but I am really amazed at how many people have applied their understanding and situational experience against mine. This is not one-size-fits-all templates folks. My relationship does not fit the common dynamic that I find most people discussing with their BPD nor does my way of coping or the goals I have for closure. Spare the lectures... .don't need those.

[Crayfog]

":)o you know what my goal is from seeing her face to face? I really appreciate the input but I am really amazed at how many people have applied their understanding and situational experience against mine. This is not one-size-fits-all templates folks. My relationship does not fit the common dynamic that I find most people discussing with their BPD nor does my way of coping or the goals I have for closure. Spare the lectures... .don't need those."

And now I think we've reached the heart of it. You're not done. You still talk about the relationship in the present tense. You refer to her as "mine" and you're searching for signs through various posts to see when she might come back. But what is coming across to you as judgment is actually deep soul-blinding empathy. We feel your pain, the way she left you was terrible. But we also feel your future pain. She will not be sorry. And we hope to help you spare yourself that. I have had this disorder in my family, in friends, in an ex. In my children's lives and the one thing across the board has been that you can't reason with them. You've posted this yourself to support other members. But you expect the situation with your ex to be somehow different. Please ask yourself if you're truly seeking closure. I will never ever ever get closure like you're talking about from my family member. They will never validate me. And they're my parent.

And "support" from other members doesn't mean "saying what you want or need to hear". It means lifting you up and if you need help seeing the outcome of your actions, we'll say something. Not judging.

Closure with BPDs happens entirely in your own heart and mind and completely away from them. 

[NYMike]

When my ex came to get a ''couple'' things over a month ago it was hell.

She projected and blamed me for everything.She looked insane and angry and failed to own anything on how she was acting,feeling or behaving.

It was kinda spooky to see how she was able to avoid any and all personal responsibility for anything.At this point I was shell shocked on her level of denial and blaming everyone for her sickness.

It ended in a yelling match and she then left.It was just going round and round and round.There was no end in sight.Once I shined the spot light on her she became more and more angry and more projection.

It did not go as I would of liked it to go.

[Crayfog]

Asking yourself WHY is one of the hardest questions you'll face. I had to ask myself why as well. Why did I date a BPD? Then why did I find my soul mate only HE has an ex uBPD? The answer was painful. My sister had it. So I had to look at my mom. And only since this forum did all the pieces fit. I've been conditioned to accept conditional love as love. Not at all comparing to you. Just saying that asking why is a scary trip down a terrifying rabbit hole. But knowing why is how you'll build a life a without BPD.

If I could have done that... .That's another rabbit hole.

[GrimFellow]

Yes... .your assumptions ARE far fetched as they relate to your and ONLY your situation... .perhaps there is some commonality with this one or that one but I hardly see how you can postulate whey your ex did to the man in the mud as a universal truth enough that you apply to me and my situation. Its like saying that since your engine failure was the carburetor then so should mine (when in reality its just a plug gone bad and mine still runs while yours will not turn over).

C'mon... .drop it... .we are all here to help, NOT be 'right'.

In fact my engine turned over some time ago my friend and it's not about being "right". I just want to spare you some sad moments in your life. I also understand where you are now because I've been there in pretty similar situation. Friend of mine suggested me at some point od my relationship with BPDex that I should try strict NC, but I refused.

There were always things to settle with my ex. Most of us call these things- FOG. I also wanted revenge, punishment but with BPDs it's not the case. Primarily because seeking for any kind of revenge keeps us in emotional connection with them. We give them attention through this and it's just what they want us to do. She can still play her role in this drama, she is still important to you somehow, if you want HER to look in your eyes full of pain as she will reclaim her property. YOU are still focused on HER trying to invoke HER guilt. But there ain't gonna be any guilt, and mark my ignorant words based on far-fetched assumptions.

SHE won't show YOU any compassion because it requires HER to become "this evil person". SHE is not evil in HER eyes blindfolded with defence mechanisms and element of narcissism present in BPD.

She will lose ultimatelly when you won't give her any attention. She don't deserve it, because of what she did to you.

Even in this particular moment of "punishing" her you will put yourself in a role of poor little victim crying for justice.

You want to show yourself as a victim of her?

YOU are STRONG and you will prove it by getting over it, not by desperately seeking for compassion and attention from abuser.

That's all I had to say. You can deny me "being right", I don't care for it anyway. Maybe you must go your own way to find out that despite differences and similarities between our relationships with different BPDs toxic attachment is always the same.

NC and working on YOURSELF means HEALING from this misery my friend.

Happy trails

[CloseToFreedom]

Yes... .your assumptions ARE far fetched as they relate to your and ONLY your situation... .perhaps there is some commonality with this one or that one but I hardly see how you can postulate whey your ex did to the man in the mud as a universal truth enough that you apply to me and my situation. Its like saying that since your engine failure was the carburetor then so should mine (when in reality its just a plug gone bad and mine still runs while yours will not turn over).

C'mon... .drop it... .we are all here to help, NOT be 'right'.

In fact my engine turned over some time ago my friend and it's not about being "right". I just want to spare you some sad moments in your life. I also understand where you are now because I've been there in pretty similar situation. Friend of mine suggested me at some point od my relationship with BPDex that I should try strict NC, but I refused.

There were always things to settle with my ex. Most of us call these things- FOG. I also wanted revenge, punishment but with BPDs it's not the case. Primarily because seeking for any kind of revenge keeps us in emotional connection with them. We give them attention through this and it's just what they want us to do. She can still play her role in this drama, she is still important to you somehow, if you want HER to look in your eyes full of pain as she will reclaim her property. YOU are still focused on HER trying to invoke HER guilt. But there ain't gonna be any guilt, and mark my ignorant words based on far-fetched assumptions.

SHE won't show YOU any compassion because it requires HER to become "this evil person". SHE is not evil in HER eyes blindfolded with defence mechanisms and element of narcissism present in BPD.

She will lose ultimatelly when you won't give her any attention. She don't deserve it, because of what she did to you.

Even in this particular moment of "punishing" her you will put yourself in a role of poor little victim crying for justice.

You want to show yourself as a victim of her?

YOU are STRONG and you will prove it by getting over it, not by desperately seeking for compassion and attention from abuser.

That's all I had to say. You can deny me "being right", I don't care for it anyway. Maybe you must go your own way to find out that despite differences and similarities between our relationships with different BPDs toxic attachment is always the same.

NC and working on YOURSELF means HEALING from this misery my friend.

Happy trails

You are so right. I really tried in the beginning of our break up to make her see the light, make her see her share of mistakes, but it was useless. I was (and probably still are) painted black and she thinks she has escaped this terrible relationship. Well, terrible it was.

The sooner you stop giving her attention, the faster you'll become better. I've been in NC for a couple of weeks now and I feel like I am making progress in the grieving. Where I was depressed for 7 weeks, now I'm just angry. That's progress. It's realising what has been done to you and starting to move on.

Like I said before, I have no doubt in my mind that she eventually will contact me again - either because of some made up small thing that she has to ask, or, more honest, to get attention. She gets attention from my replacement now, but that won't last. He will either go away, or will stay with her but the relationship will start to feel 'normal' to her again and she can't have that. She can't have a normal relationship with someone else who functions like a normal human being instead of a slave for her feelings.

Once she does, she'll get the cold shoulder from me. This is the first week in 8 weeks that I'm becoming happy that I'm rid of her, and my eyes are opening to all the abuse I had to take. It's time to become myself again after 4 agonising years.

[Suzn]

Do you know what my goal is from seeing her face to face? I really appreciate the input but I am really amazed at how many people have applied their understanding and situational experience against mine. This is not one-size-fits-all templates folks. My relationship does not fit the common dynamic that I find most people discussing with their BPD nor does my way of coping or the goals I have for closure. Spare the lectures... .don't need those.

I'd like to hear your goal, I could have missed it reading through this thread. Maybe it's a good idea to start a thread of your own about this. You are very right about one size fits all... .not every person with BPD is the same. That's why a person must fit 5 out of 9 criteria to be diagnosed with BPD.

But make no mistake JRT... .this site is called bpdfamily.com. We challenge thinking here, that's what we do. With no challenges there is little growth. We are here to help everyone through some tough times.

We're listening.  

[JRT]

":)o you know what my goal is from seeing her face to face? I really appreciate the input but I am really amazed at how many people have applied their understanding and situational experience against mine. This is not one-size-fits-all templates folks. My relationship does not fit the common dynamic that I find most people discussing with their BPD nor does my way of coping or the goals I have for closure. Spare the lectures... .don't need those."

And now I think we've reached the heart of it. You're not done. You still talk about the relationship in the present tense. You refer to her as "mine" and you're searching for signs through various posts to see when she might come back. But what is coming across to you as judgment is actually deep soul-blinding empathy. We feel your pain, the way she left you was terrible. But we also feel your future pain. She will not be sorry. And we hope to help you spare yourself that. I have had this disorder in my family, in friends, in an ex. In my children's lives and the one thing across the board has been that you can't reason with them. You've posted this yourself to support other members. But you expect the situation with your ex to be somehow different. Please ask yourself if you're truly seeking closure. I will never ever ever get closure like you're talking about from my family member. They will never validate me. And they're my parent.

And "support" from other members doesn't mean "saying what you want or need to hear". It means lifting you up and if you need help seeing the outcome of your actions, we'll say something. Not judging.

Closure with BPDs happens entirely in your own heart and mind and completely away from them. 

Well, yeah... .this is the undecided staying or leaving forum right?

Listen; I am not asking for ear candy... .but I DO know what will give me finality and the closure that I need... .it just seem to appear to be what everyone else insists it to be... .that's all... .

[JRT]

When my ex came to get a ''couple'' things over a month ago it was hell.

She projected and blamed me for everything.She looked insane and angry and failed to own anything on how she was acting,feeling or behaving.

It was kinda spooky to see how she was able to avoid any and all personal responsibility for anything.At this point I was shell shocked on her level of denial and blaming everyone for her sickness.

It ended in a yelling match and she then left.It was just going round and round and round.There was no end in sight.Once I shined the spot light on her she became more and more angry and more projection.

It did not go as I would of liked it to go.

Mine would do this as well on recycles... .but I knew her tactics well... .I had to work REALLY hard at not being sucked in tot he fight... .i took verbal blows from her but she would eventually calm down on the other end of the line... .then we would agree to meet and in her own words EACH and every time were 'just to see you... .all is right with the world' and the episode was over right there and then and never even discussed again. 

Mine knows that this is what she is up against and is what she is so desperate to avoid. Seeing me UN-paints me black instantly for her.

[Suzn]

Well, yeah... .this is the undecided staying or leaving forum right?

No JRT, this is the Leaving board where members are working to detach. Ergo, all the advice of letting things go that keep us attached.

You could be very right and it's a good point about leaving crumbs to you with your ex leaving her stuff. However, placing value on things because of what WE would place value on is hoping or thinking they think like we do. There's a difference. And it doesn't even matter if that person is BPD... .this is a statement can be applied in general. We are ALL different, we ALL place value on different things.

[JRT]

Well, yeah... .this is the undecided staying or leaving forum right?

No JRT, this is the Leaving board where members are working to detach. Ergo, all the advice of letting things go that keep us attached.

You could be very right and it's a good point about leaving crumbs to you with your ex leaving her stuff. However, placing value on things because of what WE would place value on is hoping or thinking they think like we do. There's a difference. And it doesn't even matter if that person is BPD... .this is a statement can be applied in general. We are ALL different, we ALL place value on different things.

mea culpa for being on the wrong board

As far as the stuff... .her saving these items over the years and dragging them from house to house in the first place says and then asking a friend to negotiate their return says a lot about the value that she places on her property... .more than anyone else can.

[Crayfog]

In your own words you set her up to see if she was stalking your facebook. But her friend could have seen the post and notified her. You're desperate for confirmation that she's not over you in the same way you're not over her. You don't want closure. You can't stand that she went no contact. You're hoping for a recycle. But she's done. You have to want to be done. It's one thing to be in love with someone who treated you ruthlessly. It's another to be doing to the work to actually detach and heal. You're still very enmeshed. No one can convince you that you'd deserve better.

[JRT]

Making assumptions again: this friend was fairly distant. I posted a picture of a steamer trunk that contained heirloom items that belonged to my ex on FB saying that I was going to throw it out if no one among my friends were to claim it. I did this SPECIFICALLY to determine if she was stalking me despite having unfriended and blocked me.

Not only would her friend (who I am NOT FB friends with - she successfully compelled all of her friends to unfriend me) have to have been stalking me (why would she? I only met her twice!), but she would have to have had excellent knowledge of my ex's possessions. Quite a feat when you had not stepped foot into their house for many years; frankly, impossible. It was her... .trust me. I was with her every day for two years. I know her well enough in this respect. She is also stalking me on other social media such as dating sites as well... .just like the last time(s).

Likewise you are making assumptions regarding the nature of our relationship... .the breakup was ruthless I'll agree with that. But the balance of it was the best relationship that I ever had. She did not treat me as many of the non's I see here have been treated. There was no tumult and we rarely - if ever- argued. We had lots in common and did everything together.  I was entirely happy albeit with some problems that needed work.

Of course I am not fully over her and the relationship, that's why I am here, same as you. But I am looking not only for a better understanding about this, but I also realize that there is something a bit different about mine than what is typical (past behavior confirms this). I just cannot put my finger on it and when I am able to determine things like why she would stalk me on FB (my T suspects that she is looking either for dirt that I post about her, which I do not, or signs of HER replacement. Her stle between relationships was NOT to find a replacement but to lay low. If she is true to form and history, it will be a year or two before she finds a replacement).

So NOW... .tell me: why would she be stalking me on social media? Why would she be checking to see if she has been replaced?

Again, even this exchange helps me to better understand, but I am not understanding the sweeping pronouncements without the basis of understanding the specific situation... .

[drummerboy]

Your ex sounds similar to my ex, an idyllic r/s, like you, we rarely argued, spent almost 24/7 together, I didn't get to see her temper, she apparently turned everything inward, I'm tempted to say it was the best relationship I've ever been in, at least that's how it felt at the time. It truly felt like she was "the one" I'd been waiting my entire life for which is why the end was so horrific for me too. Two weeks before she ended it she told her father "I've never loved a man like I love him" 14 days later 100% silent treatment.

After doing a lot of research on BPD and talking to a BPD sufferer I now know that the whole thing was a fiction, it was her acting out a fairytale, there was no reality to it. You fell in love with a myth that YOU created in your head because of the way she presented herself. You believed her words, but were they backed up with acts of love? A pwBPD cannot love because real love first requires self love and a pwBPD detests themselves. Theirs is a world of soppy words but there are few acts of love. I realised that all my ex could ever give me was her body and she did give that freely, did she ever do the little things that people who love do? no. Did she ever ask how I was doing and actually listen and empathise with how my life was going? no. Once you understand that the whole r/s was more than likely an unsustainable fiction you will be a step closer to getting better. She made you feel like you were a million dollars and you are angry that was ripped away from you, but as hard as it is to believe, it was a fiction, there was no reality to it, for a while, you were just another attempt of hers to fill a hole that cannot be filled.

Likewise you are making assumptions regarding the nature of our relationship... .the breakup was ruthless I'll agree with that. But the balance of it was the best relationship that I ever had. She did not treat me as many of the non's I see here have been treated. There was no tumult and we rarely - if ever- argued. We had lots in common and did everything together.  I was entirely happy albeit with some problems that needed work.