Her stuff is still here

[NYMike]

As some of you know I have an OOP for 90 days.

During court the judge told her to make arrangements to get this important stuff out of my home.I took inventory of it all and I packed it nice.

Still no word from anyone.Is this some type of game she is playing with me.?

I can not contact anyone over this.Again the judge told her and it has been 2 weeks and nothing.

Anyone have some ideas why she is doing this to me.

[JRT]

I thought that I was the only one.

She left a TON of priceless family heirloom stuff here... .the kind of things that you go into a burning building to retrieve. She did a disappearing act on me and I have not heard from her in four months  and have been unable to contact her because I am blocked in every imaginable way to connect. At one point I contacted her form a hotel phone when I was traveling... .though I only left a voice mail asking her to return my call, this was met with a letter from an atty threatening a PPO against me should I call again! Another such attempt was met with a call from the cops.

I told the attorney about her stuff who told me to throw it away or give it away but I don't think that 'he realized what I had nor did she clearly. So I constructed a ruse: even though she blocked me on FB, I highly suspected that she was still monitoring my public posts. I took a picture of a large trunk that contained most of the important things and posted it on FB with the caption that I am getting rid of stuff in my cluttered basement, this is going into the trash if no one claims it by this weekend. Only one day later, her FRIEND contacts me via IM to see if she can pick it up (I refused insisting that my ex and my ex only will be the only one that I release it to accompanied by an explanation as to why she did what she did... .NON negotiable)... .I heard nothing back... .the entire exchange was childish and silly... .I wonder if it was ex just using her GF's account.

Mine has broken up before. In each case there was something that gave her a reason to contact me after she cooled off... .some unfinished business that left an open door, or legitimate reason to contact me. I suspect that yours may have done something similar but clearly, she has not reached out to get the stuff. It may be that she sees little value in them  and really doesn't want to bother. OR, she is waiting until the timing is right until she reaches out. Chances are when and if she does, that she has achieved the level of sanity necessary not only to overcome her shame (BPD is, of course, shame based. Mine is so overcome with it that ANY sort of contact causes her literal pain and anxiety) but may likely have the intention of re-engaging your relationship (especially if she has not replaced you and her life is going poorly).

I am curious; on what grounds did the judge issue the PPO? I was under the impression that there must be an imminent threat and that it has to be persistent?

[NYMike]

Yes I put my foot in my mouth.After I confronted her about her Lies,her conning me out of money and the manipulation,i snapped.

I sent a few threats vis ''text''.She used them against me.

I am thinking that she is scared of me or embarrassed to get this stuff.Or she is going to recycle me like she has done before.This stuff is very important and it was handed down from her Mother.

In Ny we have to hold this stuff for 60 days.After 60 days it is ours.

[JRT]

We have a similar law here... .I also understand how it would be easy to snap and say something that you really didn't intend, I know that i have entertained ideas of smacking my ex if I ever saw her, but once I calm down realize I would never act upon it... .I think that sort of feeling is natural and part of the healing process.

I think that embarrassment/shame is the operative motivator here... .I think that yours and mine will eventually gather the courage (mine broke up with me when I went out of town on business like the emotional coward that she is) to approach and gather their stuff. I don't now your situation well enough but I would anticipate that it will be a reason to contact you and re-engage your relationship (as crazy as it sounds).

[FoolishMan]

We have a similar law here... .I also understand how it would be easy to snap and say something that you really didn't intend, I know that i have entertained ideas of smacking my ex if I ever saw her, but once I calm down realize I would never act upon it... .I think that sort of feeling is natural and part of the healing process.

I think that embarrassment/shame is the operative motivator here... .I think that yours and mine will eventually gather the courage (mine broke up with me when I went out of town on business like the emotional coward that she is) to approach and gather their stuff. I don't now your situation well enough but I would anticipate that it will be a reason to contact you and re-engage your relationship (as crazy as it sounds).

I think you should give the stuff to her friend. Why keep it? That explanation you want will be just a bundle of pain for you, I hope you don't go through with that plan.

Get rid of everything, ASAP and you will detach much better. I kept one item for two months and had to just destroy it as it kept me stuck.

[myself]

Further proof that it's often the ones with the most abandonment fears who do the most abandoning. Not only with relationships but with physical objects (plenty of threads here where WE were seen as objects, too). In addition to shame and embarrassment, I'd add there is pain involved with much of this. Not only are they running from the r/s they just gave up on, there are previous relationships/people they are running from. Certain items remind them of this too much, just as certain things remind/trigger us.

My now-ex would get into 'fight or AND flight' mode and run away so fast there wasn't time to think about grabbing most of her stuff. She'd also move her things in, then move them back out. Then back in again, etc. She also told me she'd intentionally leave things here to have reasons to stay in touch/ recycle. Other times, even when I'd ask her to take it all so there would be no further problems between us, she'd refuse, tell me to just dispose of whatever was here because she was never coming back, then threaten legal action because I was "keeping her things from her". Most of the things she left probably didn't even mean that much to her, it was just a disordered game she'd play. For sure, she took that chaos with her.

The most important thing she left behind? The chance to overcome her deeper issues with someone who cared, stood by her, and would have continued doing so had she not abandoned the opportunity. That's something I can't just put in a box and mail to her. She has to step up, claim it for her own, and really live it. I hope she does but it's unlikely, having witnessed the trail of discards in her wake and the ways she avoids facing any of this.

[Suzn]

Yes, having possession of any of her belongings was always a reason for contact in my case. The day I finally said no more I went and bought boxes, went through every drawer and crevice of my home and gathered all her things. Once I was finished I called a friend who delivered all of it to her mother's house. No contact from me or with her for my friend. I was thankful it was over, no reminders of her anywhere. I was finally able to start recovery and focus on my part in all this.

[jhkbuzz]

The most important thing she left behind? The chance to overcome her deeper issues with someone who cared, stood by her, and would have continued doing so had she not abandoned the opportunity. That's something I can't just put in a box and mail to her. She has to step up, claim it for her own, and really live it. I hope she does but it's unlikely, having witnessed the trail of discards in her wake and the ways she avoids facing any of this.

:'(

[NYMike]

I went to T today and asked him about this.As you know he is not a mind reader but he offered me this.

1- This could be a line back to me (recycle)

2- She is scared of me right now because of the rage that came out of me or to ashamed to face me and embarrassed

3- She has no were to store it

4- She is a confused emotional mess and the last thing on her mind is this stuff

One important thing he did mention.My ex knows I am a good man and she also knows this stuff is safe here.She knows I would never toss her mom's stuff out or her stuff.She knows I am not that way and she knows I will keep it safe.

Believe me I have thought about tossing it all in the river LMAO.But I would never do such a thing.

In NY I have to keep this stuff for 60 days.After 60 days I have to send a certified letter to come get these things.

So I have 50 more days of this.I packed it up in boxes nice and labeled it too.It is out of sight so I don't have to look at it everyday.

[antelope]

can you drive it to her place?

can you mail it?

do you have a mutual friend who can come pick it up?

I spent quite a bit of cash getting her stuff delivered to her about 2 days after we broke up... .the expense and the effort was worth EVERY PENNY

make the effort, spend some $ if you have to, just get rid of it.

give her NO reason to communicate with you.  IMO, finish closing the door (with a padlock) to this relationship!

[NYMike]

can you drive it to her place?

can you mail it?

do you have a mutual friend who can come pick it up?

I spent quite a bit of cash getting her stuff delivered to her about 2 days after we broke up... .the expense and the effort was worth EVERY PENNY

make the effort, spend some $ if you have to, just get rid of it.

give her NO reason to communicate with you.  IMO, finish closing the door (with a padlock) to this relationship!

The biggest issue is the OOP.I can not use any 3rd party.The judge told her to get these things and still no word from her or police.

My hands are tied for 50 more days or longer.

[NYMike]

I have to say I am a bit scared and nervous about this stuff being here.It has created anxiety and panic in me.

I am scared she is using this as a way to contact me in the future.Everytime she was here before the OOP she would tell me to keep it here because it was safe and she will get it next time.

Next time became the same pattern of her saying next time... Something is not adding up here.This is valuable stuff she received from her mom and her mom died.

I am a pretty tough guy and handle myself well but she scares the hell out of me and her ability to have power over my emotions.

[JRT]

I hope that you will be ok

[downwhim]

After 2 months (we have the same law) of his stuff under the receptionist desk at my office I picked it up and threw it in the dumpster. It felt good to throw it out and not have it trigger me when I went in the office. Done... .I told him he is not to come around me or my dog and not to show up at my house so the office was a neutral place. Nothing left of him... .

[Crayfog]

I have to say I am a bit scared and nervous about this stuff being here.It has created anxiety and panic in me.

I am scared she is using this as a way to contact me in the future.Everytime she was here before the OOP she would tell me to keep it here because it was safe and she will get it next time.

Next time became the same pattern of her saying next time... Something is not adding up here.This is valuable stuff she received from her mom and her mom died.

I am a pretty tough guy and handle myself well but she scares the hell out of me and her ability to have power over my emotions.

Mike, I'm so glad that judge ordered this. It's the next step to getting out of limbo. Did the judge make any consequences if she doesn't get it within the time frame? It sucks to be in limbo. Feel your hands are tied. But you've actually done quite a lot for yourself already.

Talk with T about various plans of action when the time is up. See which one feels best and then hold yourself to it. You might also talk to an L about your options. You'll want a witness there if and when she does pick up. You've done the right thing. And that's the best you could do!

[NYMike]

I have to say I am a bit scared and nervous about this stuff being here.It has created anxiety and panic in me.

I am scared she is using this as a way to contact me in the future.Everytime she was here before the OOP she would tell me to keep it here because it was safe and she will get it next time.

Next time became the same pattern of her saying next time... Something is not adding up here.This is valuable stuff she received from her mom and her mom died.

I am a pretty tough guy and handle myself well but she scares the hell out of me and her ability to have power over my emotions.

Mike, I'm so glad that judge ordered this. It's the next step to getting out of limbo. Did the judge make any consequences if she doesn't get it within the time frame? It sucks to be in limbo. Feel your hands are tied. But you've actually done quite a lot for yourself already.

Talk with T about various plans of action when the time is up. See which one feels best and then hold yourself to it. You might also talk to an L about your options. You'll want a witness there if and when she does pick up. You've done the right thing. And that's the best you could do!

My plan is to have a few friends here to give the stuff to her.I do not want to be around when and if she comes.

If this does not work I will return stuff after the 90 day OOP to her sister.Her sister is a stable woman.I would have to find out how were she lives  in order to send it or return it.

In any event I refuse to harm her stuff out of anger or hold it hostage.I want to be a stand up guy and return this stuff at some point.

[Crayfog]

That's a sound plan! I've found (through a flipping lifetime) of dealing with BPD, that every time I succumbed to the urge of telling them what they're doing to their loved ones (whether actions or words) it's blown up in my face and the aftermath takes a loot more therapy.

But if I did what you are choosing to do, the RIGHTS thing, based on my own moral compass, I gain back a little of the self-esteem I lost. I'm very very proud that you're taking the tougher high road.

You're healing dude. And you can look back and know you did what felt right to you.

[NYMike]

That's a sound plan! I've found (through a flipping lifetime) of dealing with BPD, that every time I succumbed to the urge of telling them what they're doing to their loved ones (whether actions or words) it's blown up in my face and the aftermath takes a loot more therapy.

But if I did what you are choosing to do, the RIGHTS thing, based on my own moral compass, I gain back a little of the self-esteem I lost. I'm very very proud that you're taking the tougher high road.

You're healing dude. And you can look back and know you did what felt right to you.

Yes.I feel it is in the healing and understanding.I had no chance with this disordered woman.She has had a lifetime of failed relationships,friendships and two divorces.She has many ''issues'' she has to get help for.She even failed as a mother.

Add in her cocaine addition and all the love and care I gave was not going to change this.Only she can change this and get the help she needs.

The most important thing here is the WHY do I attract broken woman and WHY do I stay.This is why I continue T weekly.I am a classic knight in shining armour and co-dependent.I must work on this or I will find another woman just like before or they will find me.

I want to retire from this role I play.I want to hang up my spurs from care taking desperate woman.

In the last 20 years I have had the exact same woman.The only thing that was different was there names... So that is on me and I need to own this issue I have.

[Suzn]

Something is not adding up here.This is valuable stuff she received from her mom and her mom died.

Mike you placing value on these items is what YOU would feel about them. She doesn't feel the same way you do. You have the capacity for sentiment. And if she had issues with her mother she may not be able to handle the reminders. I don't know if that's true but it could be. Just keep in mind things that you would value may not be the same for her. And her mother dying triggers her abandonment fears. A parent dying triggers significant emotions for everyone but with a pwBPD, it can make their behaviors worse than they already were/are. 

I am a pretty tough guy and handle myself well but she scares the hell out of me and her ability to have power over my emotions.

Yes, it's true you are handing her some power but let's look at this a bit different. You are feeling emotions and they scare you. One of the things I learned from this experience was that I DIDN"T feel my emotions throughout my relationship and I know this because I gave in too many times. Doormat much? Yea, I was. I would get angry about a situation and then I would stuff that anger, it would turn into guilt. Then I would react as a guilty person would by doing things FOR her so I could squash my guilt. It was a never ending cycle on MY side too. Those were my patterns of behavior. It boiled down to no self worth.

Feel your emotions Mike. Don't stop feeling. It can be overwhelming at times but you'll get through it.

In any event I refuse to harm her stuff out of anger or hold it hostage.I want to be a stand up guy and return this stuff at some point.

Good for you. It sounds like you are already a stand up guy. THIS statement shows a higher level of maturity. Healthy behavior practices such as these will help build your self worth. It may seem you are putting her first here but your not, you are saying you are worth it by keeping your self respect in tact. It's a show of love to your self.

[JRT]

She leaves stuff with you (priceless heirlooms) hoping that you will throw them away. THEN she can paint you black to everyone and make up lies that you:

1. Refused to give her her things back and

2. Smashed all her priceless memories.

OR

She must leave things with you because you are now Split BLACK.

So you are KEEPING those things from her. Holding them hostage or whatever.

I think it's all so she can paint us black to herself and others. That's what my ex would do. It's her proof to other's that you were such a bad guy that she "had to" leave at the drop of a hat because you were "so bad" and she couldn't get her most precious things. Black. Black. Black

Yeah, I betccha... .maybe she should work as a spin doctor in politics, . I tell ya though, when her GF contacted via IM, I was VERY careful with every word and phrase to keep things on an even keel knowing that any slight semantic misstep might fuel the paint-fest through her GF. If anything out of that exchange, I demonstrated class and decency and was being entirely reasonable though firm to the extent that I wonder if now her friends see her even more for the the anomaly and bad guy that she is. 

[JRT]

Mike

You have an excellent T

Mine has recycled and has used 'unfinished business' such as stuff that she left behind the leverage that she has needed to email. They all make a lot of sense even in my case that my T really has not expressed to me (wish I lived in NY!).

Interesting how you mentioned that your T speculates that your ex knows that you are a good man (I think that at her core, that mine knows that AND knows that she was treated in a way that made her family and friends jealous, she always told me) ... .what effect does this knowledge on her behalf have on the b/u?

[anxiety5]

Box it up. All of it. Either take it to her house and leave it there, or to a relative of her's and leave it there. If both options don't exist, go lock it in a storage container. Buy one month's rent in the storage unit, and send her a message. Tell her where the stuff is, ask her where you should mail the key, and tell her if she doesn't pick it up in 30 days, you aren't paying for it and they can auction it off.

It's like dealing with Children.

I took everything that she ever got me which was only a few shirts. I took all the stuff from our relationship I had saved, framed picture or two, some papers from vacations we took, mementos, odd ball things she left here that weren't valuable, etc and I promptly drove to my dumpster and threw it all away. I took every picture, email, text, and I put them on an external hard drive which is locked in a closet upstairs. I changed my number, blocked hers in case she ever someone gets it, blocked her email addresses, changed my schedule of where I go and when and called it a day.

Extreme? You may think that. But I'd say cheating, lying, manipulation, distortion, contradiction, no resolution, misplaced rages, stood up, belittled, and refusal to leave me alone when I wanted out are pretty extreme too.

Find your pride. You are strong. You aren't a storage shed. If she doesn't pick up her sh**, get rid of it and don't think twice. That is her way to have an excuse to check on you, show up uninvited and keep the abusive spell you're under going. Once you've truly had your fill and are done, all of the above becomes not only necessary, but an act of cleansing that feels good.

[JRT]

I don't think that was extreme at all... .sorry to hear that you went through all of that. I would have done the same things that you did.

[Perfidy]

Mike, she's not doing anything to you. It's all part of your attachment. Seems as though you packed her stuff, so you did that. Not her.

  I went through similar actions. Ended up hucking all her stuff in the dumpster. Felt pretty good afterwards too. Empowered me to sew my testicles back on.

[NYMike]

I heard through the grapevine that she is now claiming ''I destroyed her life''.This was part of my ''sick plan'' and she said ''I stole her stuff''... .

Wow this is the furthest from the TRUTH... .So sad she views me this way... The painting me black continues...

I guess I will be painted black forever even though it isnot true.But in her crazy mind I am the worst of the worst.

[Suzn]

Mike please take care not to put a whole lot of stock in what you hear through the grapevine. There were times that did more damage to me than what my ex actually did.

You know the truth and that's what matters. You are following a court order that's what matters. Anyone who doesn't see that as acting as a responsible adult shouldn't hold much value in your mind.

You will not be painted black forever. That's true for most of us here. It's a cycle, a predictable cycle. Don't let this get you down. She may feel this way one minute and then the next minute you're the best thing since sliced bread, that still holds true.

[anxiety5]

I heard through the grapevine that she is now claiming ''I destroyed her life''.This was part of my ''sick plan'' and she said ''I stole her stuff''... .

Wow this is the furthest from the TRUTH... .So sad she views me this way... The painting me black continues...

I guess I will be painted black forever even though it isnot true.But in her crazy mind I am the worst of the worst.

Hang in there. When I met my ex, she was separated not divorced. I was apprehensive at first because of her situation. All we did the first month-2 months was hang out as friends. She was the one who always tried to initiate physical stuff, and I was steadfast for the first 6-8 weeks not allowing that. Ironically, out of respect for her. She went on total campaign to try and win me over. He meant nothing to her. Their relationship had been done for 2 years, the divorce was just procedural etc etc.

I ended up helping her through her darkest hours, custody fight, moments of total helplessness, hours of talking about her situation and him, with never any selfishness or jealousy from me. And as soon as it was over, I became her new object to devalue. I remember about a month after it was over, she actually kicked me out of her house the day I attended the funeral of a family member. She raged at me for no reason. I believe it was because I told her (the only time I ever said this) that I needed her that day. That threatened her somehow. I broke it off for the first time then.

She told me I played her. Used her. I had played her and her son and I was an evil horrible monster. I remember being so numb I just hung up the phone. Her accusations turned to raw anger and hatred. When I did not bite or respond to any of it, she went into mass hysterical mode, begging, pleading, apologizing.  (and later, denying she ever said those things)

You are asserting control over your life. That threatens annihilation for her ego. You breaking away, and her loss of control over you feels to them the way it would feel for us to walk in on them having sex with another person and then discarding you with no explanation. That total annihilation is how they feel when they lose control. They pull all stops, toss everything at you they can. Guilt, Fear, Intimidation, Pity, etc. Maybe they get you to engage by telling you you abandoned your family. Maybe they get you to engage by saying they just got diagnosed with a disease, maybe they get you to engage by threatening to have you fired somehow. Or in this case, it's trying to destroy your reputation to other people. You know her accusations aren't true. You should not feel the need to defend yourself. Once you engage in that, it confirms to her that she hit a nerve. That now and in the future all she needs to do is said behavior and she can get a response from you. So it's critical for you to not bite, not act, not respond to whatever she's doing.

[NYMike]

Still no word on making arrangements to get this stuff.

Today I was cleaning my home and found her check book.I put it in an envelope and marked it down on my list of her belongings being given back.

I am feeling funny about having her ''stuff'' here and with this OOP,I can't do much.I guess I have to wait the 60 days.My hands are tied.

I hate this feeling having her moms gems here and her daughters stuff here too.

[jhkbuzz]

Still no word on making arrangements to get this stuff.

Today I was cleaning my home and found her check book.I put it in an envelope and marked it down on my list of her belongings being given back.

I am feeling funny about having her ''stuff'' here and with this OOP,I can't do much.I guess I have to wait the 60 days.My hands are tied.

I hate this feeling having her moms gems here and her daughters stuff here too.

I don't know how much of her "stuff" you have, and I don't know your financial situation, but I loved the "storage" idea that someone else posted.  If you could get storage for 50 bucks a months and store it for 3 months (the first two months being the OOP time) - then mail her the key and let her know that she has 1 month to get it out of storage (the 3rd month) - sounds like an awesome idea to me.  For $150 bucks you get to:

1.  Put her stuff out of sight.

2.  Be a decent person by not throwing it away.

3.  Have a plan to "give" her the stuff that doesn't involve seeing her.

Hell, you could even mail the key to her sister... .

[NYMike]

Still no word.

The judge told her to make arrangements to come get this stuff 4 weeks ago.Today I had a police officer contact her and still no word from the officer.She prolly let it go to voice mail.

My take is this.She is trying to make me appear the bad guy and telling people I tossed all her stuff out and ruined her life.This helps her be a VICTIM and helps to make me BLACKER THAN BLACK.

I may have to send it to someone at some point.Her doing this to me is making me more Angry.The stuff can be loaded in 10 minutes.