Did you ever get told you were needy, smothering Ect

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My new question in my post break up mind. Why did she say those kind of things to me.

I surely wasn't smothering or needy.

I did feel starved and wanted to feel loved and cared for if just a kind statement or a reassurance we were ok. That would be sufficient , but sometimes out of no where usually after she'd chat with some friend that she had in her back pocket she would say things like that?  I be thinking I can't wait to get home and see her and a wall was there. I got tired of climbing Mt Everest to get a little affection . Or a nice cozy night? Or just a hug w a how was your day.

Fantasy of my wishes.

Just verbal nonsense ,or gas lighting , or just outlandish rejection from words like I'm needy.

I began to be a mute a dead person around her.

I didn't know anymore how to be human

[christin5433]

My new question in my post break up mind. Why did she say those kind of things to me.

I surely wasn't smothering or needy.

I did feel starved and wanted to feel loved and cared for if just a kind statement or a reassurance we were ok. That would be sufficient , but sometimes out of no where usually after she'd chat with some friend that she had in her back pocket she would say things like that?  I be thinking I can't wait to get home and see her and a wall was there. I got tired of climbing Mt Everest to get a little affection . Or a nice cozy night? Or just a hug w a how was your day.

Fantasy of my wishes.

Just verbal nonsense ,or gas lighting , or just outlandish rejection from words like I'm needy.

I began to be a mute a dead person around her.

I didn't know anymore how to be human

[Copperfox]

There's a great book called Attached that talks about attachment styles people have.  A lot of pwBPD would fall into the rare anxious-avoidant type, where they inexplicably alternate between being clingy and being avoidant (i.e. calling you needy).  It's all about their conflicting fears of engulfment and abandonment.  Also explains a lot of the push/pull behaviors.

If it doesn't seem to make any sense, it's because it doesn't.  At least not in the context of normal behavior.  In the context of BPD though, it makes perfect sense.  They have a very different reality from you.

[raisins3142]

My new question in my post break up mind. Why did she say those kind of things to me.

I surely wasn't smothering or needy.

I did feel starved and wanted to feel loved and cared for if just a kind statement or a reassurance we were ok. That would be sufficient , but sometimes out of no where usually after she'd chat with some friend that she had in her back pocket she would say things like that?  I be thinking I can't wait to get home and see her and a wall was there. I got tired of climbing Mt Everest to get a little affection . Or a nice cozy night? Or just a hug w a how was your day.

Fantasy of my wishes.

Just verbal nonsense ,or gas lighting , or just outlandish rejection from words like I'm needy.

I began to be a mute a dead person around her.

I didn't know anymore how to be human

Were these friends "orbiter males" that likely wanted to sleep with her?  If so, there's your answer.

Otherwise, people have a way of complaining to their friends in the exact way to get the response they want from them.

My uBPDexgf had a bestie that is also disordered some way (attention seeking to the degree of getting nude and humping things in public bars) and any "free and daring and being yourself" thing my ex wanted to do, this girl of hers would support.   

[apollotech]

My new question in my post break up mind. Why did she say those kind of things to me.

I surely wasn't smothering or needy.

I did feel starved and wanted to feel loved and cared for if just a kind statement or a reassurance we were ok. That would be sufficient , but sometimes out of no where usually after she'd chat with some friend that she had in her back pocket she would say things like that?  I be thinking I can't wait to get home and see her and a wall was there. I got tired of climbing Mt Everest to get a little affection . Or a nice cozy night? Or just a hug w a how was your day.

Fantasy of my wishes.

Just verbal nonsense ,or gas lighting , or just outlandish rejection from words like I'm needy.

I began to be a mute a dead person around her.

I didn't know anymore how to be human

christin5433,

I have read a few of your post and commented on another. My advice to you is to educate yourself about BPD and how it is manifested in relationships. You are applying rational thinking to an irrational person, a person suffering from a mental illness. We have all been through your questioning process. It can drive you insane... .been there, done that, have the slobbery bib!

My BPDexgf also told me that I was needy (Her word was "selfish.". Selfish for wanting her affection, her time, her understanding, etc. All things that a normal, healthy person gives freely in a normal, healthy relationship. Things that are to be expected in a normal, healthy rationship. (Have I mentioned normal and healthy?) Normal and healthy is not what you had; it is not what I had.

BPD makes a person suffering with BPD extremely selfish, selfish just to exist, selfish just to survive... .as a child is selfish for his/her very survival. When you were "needy" and I was "selfish" what our respective pwBPD partners were thinking about us at that time was, "I do not NEED you right now; therefore, you are a bother to me right now." THEY DID NOT NEED. It had nothing to do with you; it had nothing to do with me. Your SO's campaign to throw a guilt trip on you regarding your "neediness" (said sarcastically) worked; you became a "mute." You were never needy and I was never selfish. We were/are normal and expected normal things from our respective relationships and partners. Unfortunately for us, and them, they are not normal; therefore, they could not supply what was normally expected.

Educate yourself about BPD and its manifestations in a relationship with a pwBPD. You don't want to wear the slobbery bib!

[raisins3142]

After the idealization phase, my uBPDexgf quickly devalued and stopped responding to texts as often or wanting to hang out as much.  It took me a while to recalibrate and leave her alone.  I was confused at this sudden change and hurt.  She later told me that I was trying to micromanage her life simply because I was still wanting regular contact.  She also said that me keeping her posted about what I was doing that evening seemed like a way to guilt her into letting me know what she was doing.  That's odd because when two people are in a relationship but live apart, it is pretty normal to let each other know what they are doing with their evening such as "hey down at tom's house at a cook out, wish you were here".  Either she was feeling legitimately smothered/engulfed or she was up to know good.  She said "I know you have friends and don't have to tell me when you are with them".  Makes my blood still boil to imagine her doing things I would not like and then her getting a text from me about my innocent fun and then feeling guilty and turning it back on me via projection.     

[christin5433]

Thanks Apollo and raisins , I forgot I wrote this question. It was weird reading where I was at jan 21. I'm little over 2 months post b/u. It makes me sad that just a month ago that was swimming in my brain. Along w other creepy thoughts my ExBPD put in my head to make me project her stuff. I know today my needs were not neediness . I actually told my T about some things I'd want or expect from my ex. She said just calmly that was a need u had that's sweet. I felt my needs were almost criminal towards the end year. I felt scared to love her if that makes sense? She knew I was scared too? I'd stand 3 feet from her looking like a trembling 6 year old . She'd tell me to come over I'd go towards her. I never felt I could go right to her because I may be needy.

Oh gosh now I know who even cares she's moved on quick she's left me like someone who was nothing but a problem and I'm ok w myself. I don't want to be w someone ever that is that much of a lie and has issues that are senseless . I'm grateful I am ok from what I've endured.

[raisins3142]

Thanks Apollo and raisins , I forgot I wrote this question. It was weird reading where I was at jan 21. I'm little over 2 months post b/u. It makes me sad that just a month ago that was swimming in my brain. Along w other creepy thoughts my ExBPD put in my head to make me project her stuff. I know today my needs were not neediness . I actually told my T about some things I'd want or expect from my ex. She said just calmly that was a need u had that's sweet. I felt my needs were almost criminal towards the end year. I felt scared to love her if that makes sense? She knew I was scared too? I'd stand 3 feet from her looking like a trembling 6 year old . She'd tell me to come over I'd go towards her. I never felt I could go right to her because I may be needy.

Oh gosh now I know who even cares she's moved on quick she's left me like someone who was nothing but a problem and I'm ok w myself. I don't want to be w someone ever that is that much of a lie and has issues that are senseless . I'm grateful I am ok from what I've endured.

What you went through sounds awful.

The little things that are not big deals to us (putting your hand on their leg as you drive, texting them and letting them know what you are up to, etc) were big deals to them.  I'll never get it.  Mine was obsessed with being her self and being independent because, I think, she did not have a strong sense of self.  To me, sharing with my SO my plans for the evening does not in anyway impact my independence.  I was not asking her for permission, just doing what came naturally.  The only way I would think it might impact my "independence" is if I was doing something the SO would not like, or if I was disordered and thought about things in a way in which I cannot relate to at all.

[christin5433]

Thanks Apollo and raisins , I forgot I wrote this question. It was weird reading where I was at jan 21. I'm little over 2 months post b/u. It makes me sad that just a month ago that was swimming in my brain. Along w other creepy thoughts my ExBPD put in my head to make me project her stuff. I know today my needs were not neediness . I actually told my T about some things I'd want or expect from my ex. She said just calmly that was a need u had that's sweet. I felt my needs were almost criminal towards the end year. I felt scared to love her if that makes sense? She knew I was scared too? I'd stand 3 feet from her looking like a trembling 6 year old . She'd tell me to come over I'd go towards her. I never felt I could go right to her because I may be needy.

Oh gosh now I know who even cares she's moved on quick she's left me like someone who was nothing but a problem and I'm ok w myself. I don't want to be w someone ever that is that much of a lie and has issues that are senseless . I'm grateful I am ok from what I've endured.

What you went through sounds awful.

The little things that are not big deals to us (putting your hand on their leg as you drive, texting them and letting them know what you are up to, etc) were big deals to them.  I'll never get it.  Mine was obsessed with being her self and being independent because, I think, she did not have a strong sense of self.  To me, sharing with my SO my plans for the evening does not in anyway impact my independence.  I was not asking her for permission, just doing what came naturally.  The only way I would think it might impact my "independence" is if I was doing something the SO would not like, or if I was disordered and thought about things in a way in which I cannot relate to at all.

Yeah totally get it:) I too wanted to be affectionate in small ways even big ways soo what. That's ok I know that now ! Yeah. Mine too wanted to be independent but why act like your repulsed by your lover. That's the way I read her need for independence. It's called has no clue about intimacy. She could talk circles around this topic it wasn't even worth fighting . I'd be wrong. So she's independent now . So am I

[raisins3142]

Thanks Apollo and raisins , I forgot I wrote this question. It was weird reading where I was at jan 21. I'm little over 2 months post b/u. It makes me sad that just a month ago that was swimming in my brain. Along w other creepy thoughts my ExBPD put in my head to make me project her stuff. I know today my needs were not neediness . I actually told my T about some things I'd want or expect from my ex. She said just calmly that was a need u had that's sweet. I felt my needs were almost criminal towards the end year. I felt scared to love her if that makes sense? She knew I was scared too? I'd stand 3 feet from her looking like a trembling 6 year old . She'd tell me to come over I'd go towards her. I never felt I could go right to her because I may be needy.

Oh gosh now I know who even cares she's moved on quick she's left me like someone who was nothing but a problem and I'm ok w myself. I don't want to be w someone ever that is that much of a lie and has issues that are senseless . I'm grateful I am ok from what I've endured.

What you went through sounds awful.

The little things that are not big deals to us (putting your hand on their leg as you drive, texting them and letting them know what you are up to, etc) were big deals to them.  I'll never get it.  Mine was obsessed with being her self and being independent because, I think, she did not have a strong sense of self.  To me, sharing with my SO my plans for the evening does not in anyway impact my independence.  I was not asking her for permission, just doing what came naturally.  The only way I would think it might impact my "independence" is if I was doing something the SO would not like, or if I was disordered and thought about things in a way in which I cannot relate to at all.

Yeah totally get it:) I too wanted to be affectionate in small ways even big ways soo what. That's ok I know that now ! Yeah. Mine too wanted to be independent but why act like your repulsed by your lover. That's the way I read her need for independence. It's called has no clue about intimacy. She could talk circles around this topic it wasn't even worth fighting . I'd be wrong. So she's independent now . So am I

I think independent to many pwBPD means: "can do pretty much whatever I'd like or not do whatever and you should be totally okay with it because you should totally accept and love me, and total love and acceptance entails no boundaries on your part".

[hope2727]

Yup he told me i was needy and my depression was depressing him. All while my mom was thought to be dying. (She lived.)

I burst out laughing and told him he was the most needy and depressing person I had ever known.

Yup its all about them all the time.

Poor bugger. It has to be a horrible way to exist. I would say live but really its just existing.

[christin5433]

Yup he told me i was needy and my depression was depressing him. All while my mom was thought to be dying. (She lived.)

I burst out laughing and told him he was the most needy and depressing person I had ever known.

Yup its all about them all the time.

Poor bugger. It has to be a horrible way to exist. I would say live but really its just existing.

I think the things we all put with is just plain mean. I get they have a mental disorder and it must be a miserable existence to put such negative things on their SO. My ex her father died in July 2014 I left work met her at her dads home was polite and met w family I hadn't aquatinted with. I was very supportive. She was cruel to me for 3 months and I let her be this way because that's what u do when ur partner is going through a rough time. This was valid. In nov around thanksgiving I was put through a rough situation regarding her ex turning me in to a state child protection situation over his daughter my step daughter who I loved and never would hurt. He trumped up some ridiculous accusation of me disciplining her where she fell off a computer chair by her own tantrum. I was just disgusted this guy was so vindictive towards me for sev years never ending. So I needed my ex to support me during my anger over this ... .She took this as a opportunity for high dramatics . I was done then. When she turned me black I let her. I was at my wits end, all this stuff is just not anything any good person should go through . They are the ones who loss a person willing to put up w them. I know we loss too but because we couldn't fix broken... I know for a fact I'm not smothering or needy. I wonder if that was also a projection? It doesn't matter . I have been coming to such a new place in my recovery of this. It's been all the positive we give each other. To keep our spirits up.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

My new question in my post break up mind. Why did she say those kind of things to me.

I surely wasn't smothering or needy.

I did feel starved and wanted to feel loved and cared for if just a kind statement or a reassurance we were ok. That would be sufficient , but sometimes out of no where usually after she'd chat with some friend that she had in her back pocket she would say things like that?  I be thinking I can't wait to get home and see her and a wall was there. I got tired of climbing Mt Everest to get a little affection . Or a nice cozy night? Or just a hug w a how was your day.

Fantasy of my wishes.

Just verbal nonsense ,or gas lighting , or just outlandish rejection from words like I'm needy.

I began to be a mute a dead person around her.

I didn't know anymore how to be human

In the end I was told everything was always about me. (I spent two years white knighting, supporting the household for a year while she was unemployed, took her son as my own, the whole 9).  It was projections.

The last two things you said that I put in bold actually make me tear up.  I loved and cared and loved some more, hoping for a crumb of reciprocation.  It got so bad that for months all I wanted was a hug.  For a while I would be berated for even looking at her.  Lord why did I love some one so much and put up with so much pain and abuse.  You are not alone. 

[raisins3142]

My new question in my post break up mind. Why did she say those kind of things to me.

I surely wasn't smothering or needy.

I did feel starved and wanted to feel loved and cared for if just a kind statement or a reassurance we were ok. That would be sufficient , but sometimes out of no where usually after she'd chat with some friend that she had in her back pocket she would say things like that?  I be thinking I can't wait to get home and see her and a wall was there. I got tired of climbing Mt Everest to get a little affection . Or a nice cozy night? Or just a hug w a how was your day.

Fantasy of my wishes.

Just verbal nonsense ,or gas lighting , or just outlandish rejection from words like I'm needy.

I began to be a mute a dead person around her.

I didn't know anymore how to be human

In the end I was told everything was always about me. (I spent two years white knighting, supporting the household for a year while she was unemployed, took her son as my own, the whole 9).  It was projections.

The last two things you said that I put in bold actually make me tear up.  I loved and cared and loved some more, hoping for a crumb of reciprocation.  It got so bad that for months all I wanted was a hug.  For a while I would be berated for even looking at her.  Lord why did I love some one so much and put up with so much pain and abuse.  You are not alone. 

I think they just throw stuff at the wall to see what sticks.  Also phrases like "it is all about you" can be useful pop psych buzz words that sound authoritative and can be thrown around without any context.  I think that is why BPD seem to constantly be posting memes online that seem to have come from the "BPD bumper sticker mentality factory".

Anyways, mine said a few times that "not everything is about you".  What were the contexts, well when she flirted with men in public in front of me, it wasn't about me and I shouldn't care so she threw that out.  When she would disappear from contact for days without a word?  She was going through some stuff and "it wasn't about me".  It is just a worthless throw away airhead statement.

BPD makes you think and act a fool.

[apollotech]

Ultimately BPD's say this dribble to guilt us and control us. It's manipulation at its finest. They are just a very sad and very sick lot. I mean that literally. Thank God that we are not members of that lot!

[christin5433]

My new question in my post break up mind. Why did she say those kind of things to me.

I surely wasn't smothering or needy.

I did feel starved and wanted to feel loved and cared for if just a kind statement or a reassurance we were ok. That would be sufficient , but sometimes out of no where usually after she'd chat with some friend that she had in her back pocket she would say things like that?  I be thinking I can't wait to get home and see her and a wall was there. I got tired of climbing Mt Everest to get a little affection . Or a nice cozy night? Or just a hug w a how was your day.

Fantasy of my wishes.

Just verbal nonsense ,or gas lighting , or just outlandish rejection from words like I'm needy.

I began to be a mute a dead person around her.

I didn't know anymore how to be human

In the end I was told everything was always about me. (I spent two years white knighting, supporting the household for a year while she was unemployed, took her son as my own, the whole 9).  It was projections.

The last two things you said that I put in bold actually make me tear up.  I loved and cared and loved some more, hoping for a crumb of reciprocation.  It got so bad that for months all I wanted was a hug.  For a while I would be berated for even looking at her.  Lord why did I love some one so much and put up with so much pain and abuse.  You are not alone. 

  RELUCTANT, It is true I was exactly "I began to be a mute a dead person around her.

I didn't know anymore how to be human"

I must remember tht I get days even just parts of days I feel human again.

So I understand your pain and I hope you well.

[Jack2727]

My new question in my post break up mind. Why did she say those kind of things to me.

I surely wasn't smothering or needy.

I did feel starved and wanted to feel loved and cared for if just a kind statement or a reassurance we were ok. That would be sufficient , but sometimes out of no where usually after she'd chat with some friend that she had in her back pocket she would say things like that?  I be thinking I can't wait to get home and see her and a wall was there. I got tired of climbing Mt Everest to get a little affection . Or a nice cozy night? Or just a hug w a how was your day.

Fantasy of my wishes.

Just verbal nonsense ,or gas lighting , or just outlandish rejection from words like I'm needy.

I began to be a mute a dead person around her.

I didn't know anymore how to be human

In the end I was told everything was always about me. (I spent two years white knighting, supporting the household for a year while she was unemployed, took her son as my own, the whole 9).  It was projections.

The last two things you said that I put in bold actually make me tear up.  I loved and cared and loved some more, hoping for a crumb of reciprocation.  It got so bad that for months all I wanted was a hug.  For a while I would be berated for even looking at her.  Lord why did I love some one so much and put up with so much pain and abuse.  You are not alone. 

  RELUCTANT, It is true I was exactly "I began to be a mute a dead person around her.

I didn't know anymore how to be human"

I must remember tht I get days even just parts of days I feel human again.

So I understand your pain and I hope you well.

This a def a trait. My ex was the same way. She used to call me needy too when I was just wanting normal affection from her. This is a girl who never wanted to cuddle or do anything. On the rare occasion that she did, I felt like I was a thirsty person who was stuck in a desert for 1000 years.

[christin5433]

Jack 2727 yes that made me laugh:)

We are treated as if being playful and wanting to get affection is abnormal. I mean she gave me affection but on her terms because ... .Get the twist ... .She'd push and pull . She'd say no but meant yes. So I was hearing the no clearly the yes was coming in waves not clear. That's the issue it's a constant confusion .

[Jack2727]

Jack 2727 yes that made me laugh:)

We are treated as if being playful and wanting to get affection is abnormal. I mean she gave me affection but on her terms because ... .Get the twist ... .She'd push and pull . She'd say no but meant yes. So I was hearing the no clearly the yes was coming in waves not clear. That's the issue it's a constant confusion .

HAHA... .I am sure of this that whomever I date next better wake up the neighbors or im out!

I guess one of my burning questions is will or is my replacement going through the same behavior? I'm he is or will but there is this thing where I think for some magical reason she will change.

For those of you who have encountered this, a relationship where all physical affection was limited, do you get mad or angry when you think of your ex acting different with your replacement?

[christin5433]

Jack 2727 yes that made me laugh:)

We are treated as if being playful and wanting to get affection is abnormal. I mean she gave me affection but on her terms because ... .Get the twist ... .She'd push and pull . She'd say no but meant yes. So I was hearing the no clearly the yes was coming in waves not clear. That's the issue it's a constant confusion .

HAHA... .I am sure of this that whomever I date next better wake up the neighbors or im out!

I guess one of my burning questions is will or is my replacement going through the same behavior? I'm he is or will but there is this thing where I think for some magical reason she will change.

For those of you who have encountered this, a relationship where all physical affection was limited, do you get mad or angry when you think of your ex acting different with your replacement?

No it would just be temporary I really don't care anymore it ran its course . Gotta get into that mind set