Dil with BPD

[Lookingforserenity]

I am so glad I found this website that helps me understand my dil behavior. However, it is still difficult to live with the pain she has caused. She and my son married after dating for about 9 months. She was pregnant with twins and I was so excited to be a gmom, but it has been  a nightmare. She told my son I tried to hurt the babies when I was only trying to console them by picking them up and holding them when they were crying. She talked my son into quitting his job when the girls were one month old and moving to another state. Then six months later they moved again. They have moved six times in the last four years and my son has has three different jobs.  She started  physically abusing my son and he has called me numerous times saying he couldn't take it any longer. But financially he felt like he could not afford to leave. I have lent him money to stay in a hotel when thing get bad, but I can't afford to keep doing that and told him so. Just before Christmas he reconciled with her and will not talk to me even though I have tried repeatedly to support him emotionally and financially. My mom has terminal cancer. My dil sent me a text recently saying she could care less about how ill my mom is because I have been so mean to her. I cannot understand how someone could be so cruel when all I have done is try to support the family. I do not know what to do.  

[Kwamina]

Hi Lookingforserenity

Welcome to bpdfamily and thanks for posting this introduction. I am very sorry that your mother is so sick. Are you able to spend a lot of time with your mother?

The situation with your son, his wife and kids is quite difficult and I can imagine how frustrating this must be for you. Has your son ever done this before that he just wouldn't talk to you? Are there any other family-members involved who do still have contact with your son?

My dil sent me a text recently saying she could care less about how ill my mom is because I have been so mean to her. I cannot understand how someone could be so cruel when all I have done is try to support the family. I do not know what to do.  

BPD is quite a challenging disorder and unfortunately, many people with this disorder at times can make very hurtful remarks. It's difficult to understand and also difficult not to let these words get to you. What might help is to keep in mind that if she indeed has BPD, her hurtful words and actions aren't necessarily a reflection of who you really are or how you've allegedly treated her. Odds are that her behavior is just a reflection of her own inner turmoil and negativity, which she projects onto you. Keeping this in mind might help you stay calm and not let her words and actions get to you too much.

Would you say that your daughter-in-law's behavior has always been problematic? Looking back would you say there were any red flags or did all the problems start after the babies were born?

[Lookingforserenity]

Thanks for your feedback. I have been reseaching BPD. Downloaded walking on eggshells. My dol is a textbook case. She hated me before she ever met me. My son told her he had a close family and she has never been able to share him. She gets furious if he calls me or his sister. He was always very close to his sister and now he never calls her. She is def BPD and has been diagnosed. She and my son are going to marriage counciling. She is supposedly going to personal counciling, but doesn't seem like she has improved. Her hatred for me has gotten progressively worse. A few months ago I planned a visit and a week before I got there she said I was not allowed to come to their house. My son visited me at a hotel and brought my grand daughters to visit. She was furious that I did not call or ask to see her even though she said I couldn't come to her house. So confusing.  It's always a lose/lose with her no matter what I do. I try to remember her actions are based on her illness but when she has such strong influence over my son it is hard to accept. How can he believe her when he has told me he knows how irrational her thinking is. He has called me in desperation so many times because of her behavior. Now he is trying to make the marriage work which means he won't be allowed to talk to his family. He told me she does not want me to see the grand daughters again which breaks my heart. It is so reassuring to read what others have gone through and read their suggestions for how to cope. Thanks for your recommendations too.

[swampped]

Dear Lookingforserenity:  What a wonderful name!  I am so sorry that you have to be here, but am glad you found us.     I thought I'd add my welcome, and share a little of my story, which sounds almost exactly like yours.  Five years after finding this site, I still am amazed at how many people share the same experiences we have.  Our ex-dil is the pwBPD in our lives, and we went through exactly what you have been through, although she had only one little girl, not twins.  They moved away to be near her other two children, who are in their father's custody, and we went through the isolation, the extreme worry about our gd and our son, who was abused, physically, emotionally, and who knows how else.  Our gd, now 6, has not been abused, unless one counts the exposure to the chaos of living with two parents in such conflict.  Our dil threw our son out of the home about three years ago.  He is mildly developmentally disabled, and works in minimum wage jobs,and our dil has not worked since she was pregnant with gd6.  We have supported them (gd6, her mother, and our ds) over all these years.  Much guilt over that, but dh and I could not sleep at night if we thought gd was in need of food or shelter.  Currently we see gd about twice a year, receive frequent pictures from her mother, and speak with ds regularly.  He sees gd once a week, when he brings money to dil.  So we all "buy" the right to contact.

That is enough of that.  We have found that our ds did what he had to do to keep the peace during the time he was trying to live with his uBPDwife.  We have learned that he still loves us, remembers the values he was brought up with, and is the same person underneath, despite the situation he has gotten himself into.  We have learned to set boundaries---no middle of the night calls, from either of them;  no badmouthing each other to us; limits to what money we will provide---and we have had to learn that often  his calls to us in crisis were often simply "vents", and although we did not sleep all night after one of those calls, he often felt better for having vented, and our advice was mostly ignored.  I ache for his pain, and wish his life were otherwise, but have come to the point (most of the time) of realizing that my dh and I cannot fix it.  He is 35 now;  we are approaching 70, and it is what it is.  We have found tremendous help from AlAnon, as have many on this board, and have also found great support here.  I spend most of my time on the parenting board, as I sort of think of exdil as our child, and understanding her disability helps me to deal with the situation better.  The parents on that board, as well as step parents and inlaws, share experience and wisdom that has been so helpful for me, and dh, who doesn't read, but listens to me rant frequently!  I would encourage you to work through the lessons here, and to look on both boards for help.  Post when you can, read often, and know that we support you and understand what you are going through with your ds and dil.

And then the issue of your mother---you are in my thoughts and prayers, as you deal with the special challenge of terminal illness in a dearly loved parent.  I have been there too, and the pain a daughter feels when her mother is so sick is pain indeed.   Blessings to you, your family and your mother at this time.       Swampped     

[Lookingforserenity]

Thanks so much for sharing. I hate that you have experienced a similar situation as I have with my son but it helps to know that I am not alone and it validates my thinking that something is severely wrong with my dil. It is hard to imagine someone that looks so normal can be so cruel. It's also reassuring that your son still recognizes the values he was raised with and still loves you. I can't imagined my son being so brainwashed that he would exclude me from his life. I get stuck blaming my dil and then the next minute blaming my son because he can't see through her irrational behavior. I think she has had to make some serious threat to get him to drop his family. He has always been very bright, very easy going, never caused any problems growing up. I mentioned to my dil when they first started dating what a great son he was- we had never had a serious argument and she thought that was terrible. She has him convinced that he had a terrible childhood because he never rebeled and I must have been a terrible controlling mother. my dil is supposedly in treatment, but her hatred for me is worse than ever. How long does it take for treatment to start working? Hoping that my son can eventually open his eyes but trying to accept that it is out of my control. About my mom... .Thanks for asking. She has terminal cancer and has just a few weeks. My dil sent me a text and said she could care less about my sadness about my mom. Such an evil statement. Who could say such a mean thing? Easier to accept now that I know more about the disease but still frustrating whenever there is nothing you can do.

[Lookingforserenity]

Btw where are the lessons you suggested? I have been reading articles, posts, and videos, but not sure about lessons.

[swampped]

Scroll up to the top of this page, and look on the right side.  You can find a similar set up on the "Parenting" Board.