Counseling and exgf Patterns

[ShadowIntheNight]

Like many here, I am in Therapy and had a session today. Today we talked mostly about her divorce from her exH from 10 years ago. She and I were in a lesbian relationship for the last 9.5 yrs. This past August on my bday I received a note in my birthday card telling me she had been dating men all summer and was ending our relationship. This, coming at the end of a 2.5 YEAR custody battle with her exH. I had spent the month of May reviewing her state's custody laws and reviewing the legal document that she was going to be bound to for the next 6 years for her two kids. She was out finding my replacement. We haven't spoken since then.

In going thru this process my T asked how she & her exH came to divorce. For better or worse I have a long memory and so when I started talking about it I remembered that my uBPDexgf had her exH served with divorce papers at his work exactly 10 yrs ago in January on his birthday. My T pointed out that if they both had agreed to divorce as they had planned, why didn't they agree to a time when she could serve him without it interfering with his job and probably humiliating him at work? Until we talked about this, I had completely forgotten that she had treated him this way 10 yrs after they had gotten married. She dumped him on his birthday too!

My T asked me why she married him, and according to my ex it was because at 25, she was "expected" to do it. That was in 1993 btw, not 1943. The irony is that now she has to speak with her exH every week and has at least monthly court-ordered counseling with him. She hates this guy. We rarely fought and until last June, we spoke everyday. Now she talks to him and we don't speak.

My first thought on all of this is did her parents get divorced on her birthday or on one of their birthdays. It just seems more than coincidental that she ends two major relationships with the person she is leaving on their birthdays. It also seems odd that she didn't do it face to face with either of us. I don't think she even saw her exH until they went to mediation and then had the final hearing in May. After that over the next 7 yrs, she rarely saw him even when he came to pick up the kids. Their child care provider was there as she was at work or on her way home. And she only talked to him if she was forced to. So writing this, I can see now where this is heading for me and when I will hear from her again. Never. And I can now safely guess that she hates me. Tho why I couldn't tell you. I suppose it helps her sleep at night to hate me.

Finally, in discussing the whole matter of certain people behaving in certain ways, my T intimated that there may be an underlying issue with my ex emotionally. She won't say my ex is BPD. She can't. She's never met her and all she has is what I've said about the ex. Still it hurts me to think that my ex may really not have been able to emotionally attach to me after 9.5 yrs. It sure seemed like it to me... .

[Mutt]

Hi ShadowInTheNight,

I'm not entirely sure. Perhaps a traumatic event happened on a caretakers birthday? Holidays and birthdays seem to cause a lot of anxiety with pwBPD. I can attest. I dreaded my birthday because of the guilt and drama my ex would cause. I've read many stories with members here with the same patterns, stressful holidays with a loved a pwBPD acting out. It's not inclusive with BPD, it's that a pwBPD cope differently with anxiety and stress.

My ex is not diagnosed either and neither my T or P would they simply said it sounds like a mental illness of some sort.

Someone that alters reality often is a sign of mental illness. I think it's important to look at traits and educate ourselves to "de-personalize" the behaviors.

[ShadowIntheNight]

My exgf did have something traumatic happen to her as a child. She never spoke about it, and I know what it was but won't repeat it here. I never knew details just generally what happened. I figured over time,she would feel safe to talk about it, but that never happened. I suspect now that it may have happened on her birthday, tho she never acted traumatically on her birthday. She was all happy Gung-ho about it. Mine was 2 weeks earlier than hers and in the later years we were together she acted like it was a huge problem to get me a gift, or really be nice about it. I have no idea what changed in her head for it to be a problem. But you know, I'm not even sure what changed in her head to leave. I bet if you asked her she couldn't tell you beyond it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. How insulting.