I left about 3-4 years ago, dropping by to tell you to do it

[Sword]

Hey guys, I'll keep this short, but about 3-4 years ago I was in you spot, I know ALL the pain, the addiction, the push/pull, the obsession... .

Anyway, the best thing I ever did was leave, go no contact and let the wounds heal. The first month was maddening, I thought about her nearly every minute, but time heals all wounds.  At the time I thought I'd never get over her, I wondered when she would contact me again, did I make the right move etc... .

These days, I RARELY even think about her, like less than once every two weeks.  The pain and heartbreak is gone, only I remain.

So, to you out there, you know what you have to do.  Do it, and enjoy your freedom within a few months.

I've done it, others have... .now you need to join us.

[icom]

I second this.

  In my instance, things only deteriorated over time.  There were the few odd blips of normalcy here and there, but none so stirring that they justified remaining a virtual marionette to a disordered person. 

  During our first round, we were inseparable.

  On our last, if I saw her twice a month, I would consider myself fortunate.

  On our last, I discovered that not only was she maintaining an active dating account, but she was also dating another man whilst maintaining/feigning a connection to me. 

  My advice:

- The sooner you leave this behind you, the quicker you will resume a normal existence.

- Separate with dignity.  As hard as this may be to accept, none of that intolerable behaviour was personal, so there is no need to bear a grudge against them as you depart; they are broken, you are not.   

- Do not entertain the thought of resuming any form of contact with them in the future.  They will only initiate contact with you if another source of emotional nurturance proves to be untenable.  Don't be that source.

  I can't begin to describe the glories of not living in a perpetual state of dread; Of not having to weigh ever-single-utterance lest she find offence in some wording of mine; Of not worrying if she was triggered, and going to disappear for months at a time again; never having to worry about the dreaded silent treatment ever again; never having to worry about how I walked, talked, sat, blinked, thought... .

  You become so conditioned to living in a perpetual state of anxiety and dread that when your life stabilizes, it feels oddly disconcerting. 

  You will find working towards being normal again a steep learning curve for a while, but just give it some time to set in, and anticipate that it is a drawn-out process that will take between six months to a year to accomplish. 

  Yes, do please join us. 

[CloseToFreedom]

Good post.

It is true that its better to get it over with. I'm in a world of pain now, 8 weeks after the break up, but I only have to go through it once.

I wish I did it years ago. I wish I didn't fall for the recycle attempts. Because the honeymoon periods get shorter and shorter and nothing will change, NOTHING. I thought i could fix our relationship by living together, giving her the security, and myself as well. But it won't help.

Whatever you do, even though you change your whole personality to be compatible with her, its not enough. She will find other things where you will take the blame for. And the arguments will become more and more intense.

Get out. Before you're seriously ill.

[icom]

... .but I only have to go through it once.

The most important element to bear in mind.

Best of luck, mate.  You'll get there before you know it. 

[Hawk Ridge]

Thank you all for the gifts of knowledge, experience, peace, and hope.  Thank you!

[drummerboy]

Perhaps the hardest thing to accept is that this person that you once adored and adored you (in a BPD needy way) is actually a toxic, chaotic ultra needy person. A person totally incapable of an adult relationship. We want the honeymoon period back, we want to fell like a million dollars again, but knowing it was akin to a great fraud is an horrific thing to acknowledge. You must get these people 100% out of your life and have nothing to do with them. They will continue with their living death, we have a chance to heal and grow.

[Deeno02]

Perhaps the hardest thing to accept is that this person that you once adored and adored you (in a BPD needy way) is actually a toxic, chaotic ultra needy person. A person totally incapable of an adult relationship. We want the honeymoon period back, we want to fell like a million dollars again, but knowing it was akin to a great fraud is an horrific thing to acknowledge. You must get these people 100% out of your life and have nothing to do with them. They will continue with their living death, we have a chance to heal and grow.

Well said... .

[RedDove]

Thanks Sword for dropping back by the board and offering your encouragement in support to those of us still struggling! 

I ended my 4 year encounter with many recycles and initiated NC almost 7 months ago. Unfortunately my ex BPDbf found me and began messaging me back in September on a dating site I joined. That escalated to him learning my Dad was having health issues and him texting me. He got a new phone and number. I had his old cell # blocked.

Just this past week I almost ran into him at one of the doctors offices my Dad goes to. I felt so much anxiety just hearing his name and voice when they called him in from the waiting room. 

I honestly thought I was more detached, but I'm not. Ever since the almost run in I'm feeling the same anxiety I did months ago! Every time the text message alert pings on my phone! I dont like that feeling being back again. It's time for me to re-initiate no contact, block and not look back on a past which was full of lies, deceit, cheating and pain!

Thank you for your words. I needed them today!

[propunchingbag]

Perhaps the hardest thing to accept is that this person that you once adored and adored you (in a BPD needy way) is actually a toxic, chaotic ultra needy person. A person totally incapable of an adult relationship. We want the honeymoon period back, we want to fell like a million dollars again, but knowing it was akin to a great fraud is an horrific thing to acknowledge. You must get these people 100% out of your life and have nothing to do with them. They will continue with their living death, we have a chance to heal and grow.

Well said... .

I agree! My BPD wife is always saying that she is dying a slow death. How pleasant of her to always be pessimistic and negative. She actually said to me that she wished that she could get terminal cancer so I would take her on a trip someplace she has always wanted to go. That was a real emotional abuse home run.

[Rifka]

5 months n/c and I still would not be happy to hear or run into him. I hope this never happens.

I have never for one second felt things would change for the better to re engage in such a degrading toxic relationship. At best I had to become somebody I am not to keep things at a minimumal peaceful level of a relationship!

Walking on eggshells is not a life choice that I would want for myself!

It has gotten easier with time to not think of him as often. In the beginning it was every minute. Now it's when certain songs come on or certain places we attended. Just memories that need to be packed away in my head but apparently are still important in my heart!

There were many great times and memories, but they ended, as did the relationship.

It's like having a container of milk. Once it goes bad there is nothing you can do to have the pure taste back.

It has turned rancid and it's time to accept that it has reached its expiration date!

I'm looking forward to the time where the pangs go away, maybe they never will because they were real happy times in my heart! Even if it was temporary, it felt great when it was great. I am happy to have lived in that happy fantasy land for whatever time it lasted! It brought me to my inner child!

I'm very thankful for meeting him because he let me meet myself. I am a better person today. I am learning many painful things that I guess were pushed deep down in my soul. He brought them to the surface, therefore I am thankful for this chance to fix my childhood traumas.

There are so many wonderful opportunities in my future knowing what I have learned from these life lesson with BPD.

Life Lessons are not always pain free as most of us have found from this experience.

Thank you Sword for this thread! It's always nice to hear that time does heal!

How has your life changed in regards to relationships and life for yourself?

Time does heal! There is a huge difference in my thinking 5 months out! My tolerance level is zero for drama and my bs radar for potential partners is constantly beeping!

Going on dates has been very interesting. Meetups have been fun and its great to be able to laugh and have my active life back.


Rifka

[Sword]

A big thing to, is make sure you realize you are lying to yourself.  I remember I was 'over' her (not really) and thought of all these things where I would see her, have sex with her 'one last time' etc etc.

Looking back its clear how deep I still was. 

Now guys, for about a year STAY AS CLEAR AS YOU CAN, NO FACEBOOK, NO TEXTS NOTHING.  It takes at least this long maybe more for others.  But I will tell you what, I had this huge hole in my heart I thought I would never fill, but I saw her picture about 1 year ago and I felt: NOTHING.

All she was, was 'someone I used to know'.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqRC5tquyU0

[BorisAcusio]

Perhaps the hardest thing to accept is that this person that you once adored and adored you (in a BPD needy way) is actually a toxic, chaotic ultra needy person. A person totally incapable of an adult relationship. We want the honeymoon period back, we want to fell like a million dollars again, but knowing it was akin to a great fraud is an horrific thing to acknowledge. You must get these people 100% out of your life and have nothing to do with them. They will continue with their living death, we have a chance to heal and grow.

Well said... .

I agree! My BPD wife is always saying that she is dying a slow death. How pleasant of her to always be pessimistic and negative. She actually said to me that she wished that she could get terminal cancer so I would take her on a trip someplace she has always wanted to go. That was a real emotional abuse home run.

I've got the same sentence. Terrifying... .

[propunchingbag]

Perhaps the hardest thing to accept is that this person that you once adored and adored you (in a BPD needy way) is actually a toxic, chaotic ultra needy person. A person totally incapable of an adult relationship. We want the honeymoon period back, we want to fell like a million dollars again, but knowing it was akin to a great fraud is an horrific thing to acknowledge. You must get these people 100% out of your life and have nothing to do with them. They will continue with their living death, we have a chance to heal and grow.

Well said... .

I agree! My BPD wife is always saying that she is dying a slow death. How pleasant of her to always be pessimistic and negative. She actually said to me that she wished that she could get terminal cancer so I would take her on a trip someplace she has always wanted to go. That was a real emotional abuse home run.

I've got the same sentence. Terrifying... .

It just goes to show how far they can push us to get what they want from us. Terrifying and also very sad.

[cehlers55]

  I can't begin to describe the glories of not living in a perpetual state of dread; Of not having to weigh ever-single-utterance lest she find offence in some wording of mine; Of not worrying if she was triggered, and going to disappear for months at a time again; never having to worry about the dreaded silent treatment ever again; never having to worry about how I walked, talked, sat, blinked, thought... .

I couldn't agree more.

[Madison66]

This is a fantastic thread of posts!  I've been out of a 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf for nearly 14 months.  What an experience it's been since the time I walked away from the roller coaster of a ride in a r/s with a PD. 

You truly need to be out of the dysfunctional r/s to understand a number of things:

1. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't

2. Chaos happens, but it shouldn't be the rule

3. Emotional abuse is ABUSE

4. No one (not even a man) should allow physical abuse

5. Take care of yourself first and then you can be the best for those you love

6. If a relationship doesn't match your values, then it is not right for you

7. I'm in control of me and I allowed myself to remain in an abusive r/s

8. You can't have emotional immaturity in a reciprocating adult r/s

9. Your partner with a PD will not change

10. Listen to your gut - get out and stay out! 

11. N/c means n/c

12. The most important r/s (other than with your God) is with yourself

13. And on and on and on... .

I think I stopped in on the board today to reflect and appreciate what I have in my life.  Leaving the r/s with my ex gf was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  Maintaining n/c was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I was excruciatingly lonely and sad at times.  I made some mistakes along the way.  I learned to forgive myself.  I grew immensely from the experience and found healing and detachment.  I truly loved my ex gf, but the r/s could never be healthy or be what I needed.  That is ok. And, after starting a new relationship with myself I found a healthy partner and true love.   

There is a song by Collective Soul called "Forgiveness" from their ":)osage" album.  It is like it was written for me and maybe for you, too!

"Forgiveness"

In my silence I would love to forget

But restitution hasn't come quite yet

And with one accord I keep pushing forth

I stretch my heart to heal some more

It used to be all I'd want to learn

Was wisdom trust and truth

But now all I really want to learn

Is forgiveness for you

As my seasons change I've now grown to know

When one's heart creates, one's soul doesn't owe

So I wash away stains of yesterday

Then tempt my heart with love's display

[NYMike]

5 months n/c and I still would not be happy to hear or run into him. I hope this never happens.

I have never for one second felt things would change for the better to re engage in such a degrading toxic relationship. At best I had to become somebody I am not to keep things at a minimumal peaceful level of a relationship!

Walking on eggshells is not a life choice that I would want for myself!

It has gotten easier with time to not think of him as often. In the beginning it was every minute. Now it's when certain songs come on or certain places we attended. Just memories that need to be packed away in my head but apparently are still important in my heart!

There were many great times and memories, but they ended, as did the relationship.

It's like having a container of milk. Once it goes bad there is nothing you can do to have the pure taste back.

It has turned rancid and it's time to accept that it has reached its expiration date!

I'm looking forward to the time where the pangs go away, maybe they never will because they were real happy times in my heart! Even if it was temporary, it felt great when it was great. I am happy to have lived in that happy fantasy land for whatever time it lasted! It brought me to my inner child!

I'm very thankful for meeting him because he let me meet myself. I am a better person today. I am learning many painful things that I guess were pushed deep down in my soul. He brought them to the surface, therefore I am thankful for this chance to fix my childhood traumas.

There are so many wonderful opportunities in my future knowing what I have learned from these life lesson with BPD.

Life Lessons are not always pain free as most of us have found from this experience.

Thank you Sword for this thread! It's always nice to hear that time does heal!

How has your life changed in regards to relationships and life for yourself?

Time does heal! There is a huge difference in my thinking 5 months out! My tolerance level is zero for drama and my bs radar for potential partners is constantly beeping!

Going on dates has been very interesting. Meetups have been fun and its great to be able to laugh and have my active life back.


Rifka

Thank you for this.It helped me today.I am 45 days NC and struggling today.I needed to read this... This obsession of her is killing me.I hope it ends some day.

NYMIKE

[pseudotsuga]

Thanks for all your stories... .these are the kinds of things I need to hear!

(I feel so trapped. Intellectually, I know my BPD partner of 6 years is bad for me and I need to leave. But, emotionally, I feel utterly and totally trapped - completely captured and bound... .and I do not know how to untie those knots, or to cut myself free... .I know it would be best for me. But, I do not know how to make myself want to do it! Auugh! I hope I get there, and I hope I can get there without something terrible and tragic happening first... .)

Anyway, thank you. I need to read about people who have done it successfully and feel better, years later, still... .

[charred]

I am going on 3 yrs out of the nightmare r/s now. Went NC about that long ago... and have stuck to it... .she has bugged my family and friends, most recently yesterday. It gets easier with time.

Had a new neighbor, met him, really nice guy, but seemed kind of beaten... but I liked him. Met his wife, she seemed off. So he traveled a lot for work, and kept seeing other cars at his place when he was gone. Gal told neighbors it was her brother coming by to check on her when he was out of town. So turns out she has no brother, he was devastated, day after he moved out, she starts having parties with guys coming/going all the time. Her stories are about how horrible he is... .whole thing is deja-vu like.

Years ago, didn't have this sight, didn't know what BPD was, and I thought my pwBPD was wonderful, and that I was at least 2/3 of the bad stuff she claimed of me... .having lived 25 yrs past that horror... then getting her back and giving it 3 more years... I am truly done.

The bond is like one with a parent... the longing for it to be good may not stop, but like most people... .they seldom change who they truly are. If you have terrible parents... its tough to deal with (I have been NC with father 15 yrs now)... even more so with the serial soul mate pwBPD you thought was "the one." With the insight I have gained into BPD, all the people here listening and responding, managed to make it past the horrible first 8 months or so... and each day gets better.

I agree with the original poster... if you are in that hell still, leave and stick with it, your life will get better in time. You learn to see pwBPD (like my neighbor's soon to be ex) before you get trapped by them... avoided 2-3 in last few years.

[slop]

I don't know man. I've been almost 2 years no-contact and it hasn't gotten any easier for me than it was after 2 months of NC. I don't see how one more year will make a difference. I even dated someone, in a healthy, mature relationship - I only broke up with her because I didn't see myself married to her, and still not over my BPD-ex.

[charred]

I don't know man. I've been almost 2 years no-contact and it hasn't gotten any easier for me than it was after 2 months of NC. I don't see how one more year will make a difference. I even dated someone, in a healthy, mature relationship - I only broke up with her because I didn't see myself married to her, and still not over my BPD-ex.

Well, first go round wasn't easier... was a good 5 yrs before I was over the hard part and probably 10 yrs till I quit thinking of her.

I wallowed in the loss. Second go round, still got burned bad, but I was far more grounded.

The whole BPD r/s ties your ego up in knots, you ruminate over the past, and stress and worry about this horrible future you make up in your head... and neither of them is the truth. The only time that is real is now... and if she was BPD... your take on the r/s wasn't quite her take or it would still be all sunshine and unicorns.

The future hasn't happened, but you can make it rough by worrying instead of being present as it does happen.

See a T, or at least look in to mindfulness, it helps to cut down the hurt and get you out of the fog. For a while I had to do things like clean my house and leave a TV and a radio on at the same time so it didn't sound like I was all alone or I would go to pieces. But once I got back in to the present, instead of wrapped around the axle of my emotions... relaxed and found I liked my company. Once you are comfortable being with yourself... and don't feel driven by insane NEEDiness... things get better.

I had to understand everything, read 50+ books, probably 10,000 posts and eventually understood what happened... and why, but it did little to change how I felt. Stopping the ruminating/worrying/stressing... .that changed how I felt.

Getting active, that did wonders, and quitting trying to be in a r/s... due to a needy feeling... helped.

[Sandman1881]

It's like having a container of milk. Once it goes bad there is nothing you can do to have the pure taste back.

It has turned rancid and it's time to accept that it has reached its expiration date!

Beautifully stated.

Nearly 4 months out. PTSD, toxic shame, and in a recycle r/s with my old ex. Basically a fwb arrangement, but it has taken my mind off of her. At least there are no lies, manipulation, projections, mirroring, cheating, expectations, or fighting. It's sparklers as opposed to sky rockets, but it's safe and honest. And we're not seeing anyone else. Not that I have any real desire to do so anyway.

Getting better. ... slowly.

[anxiety5]

Hey guys, I'll keep this short, but about 3-4 years ago I was in you spot, I know ALL the pain, the addiction, the push/pull, the obsession... .

Anyway, the best thing I ever did was leave, go no contact and let the wounds heal. The first month was maddening, I thought about her nearly every minute, but time heals all wounds.  At the time I thought I'd never get over her, I wondered when she would contact me again, did I make the right move etc... .

These days, I RARELY even think about her, like less than once every two weeks.  The pain and heartbreak is gone, only I remain.

So, to you out there, you know what you have to do.  Do it, and enjoy your freedom within a few months.

I've done it, others have... .now you need to join us.

Did she contact you after you went NC? If so how often and how did that go? I fear her manipulative ways to weasel back in. I'm doing great but I want to be prepared for every scenario.