I'm back after a recycle

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

I'm back after about a six week recycle (it started after Thanksgiving and lasted until a few days ago). Oh man, I tried to use the tools (SET) but I was so bad at them! I would panic or something when the dysregulations would roll in and just want to escape. I have to face the fact that I'm not cut out for this kind of instability. Looking at the ways that some of the behaviors were emotional abuse behaviors: the jealousy over my time (this time round her big issue was that I wasn't prioritizing time with her), the sleep deprivation, the always feeling like the bad guys needing to prove my love, the baiting me into fights-- all of them felt abusive to me this time around (they felt bad of course before, but this time that "abuse" word kept popping into my head. Anyway, our last closure meeting was kind-- she was her loving self (and her loving self is wonderful)-- which I'm grateful for but also makes me wish for what could have been. I just have to hold onto what actually was. Did anyone else have a holiday recycle? I remember reading here that this time frame was not an uncommon one for recycling.

[kc sunshine]

Hi all,

I'm back after about a six week recycle (it started after Thanksgiving and lasted until a few days ago). Oh man, I tried to use the tools (SET) but I was so bad at them! I would panic or something when the dysregulations would roll in and just want to escape. I have to face the fact that I'm not cut out for this kind of instability. Looking at the ways that some of the behaviors were emotional abuse behaviors: the jealousy over my time (this time round her big issue was that I wasn't prioritizing time with her), the sleep deprivation, the always feeling like the bad guys needing to prove my love, the baiting me into fights-- all of them felt abusive to me this time around (they felt bad of course before, but this time that "abuse" word kept popping into my head. Anyway, our last closure meeting was kind-- she was her loving self (and her loving self is wonderful)-- which I'm grateful for but also makes me wish for what could have been. I just have to hold onto what actually was. Did anyone else have a holiday recycle? I remember reading here that this time frame was not an uncommon one for recycling.

[Tim300]

How did she deprive your sleep?

Why do you think she was baiting you for fights?

[kc sunshine]

How did she deprive your sleep?

By fighting on the phone. It was hard for me to get off. Did/does anyone else struggle with this?

Why do you think she was baiting you for fights?

My best guess was that it was a way to engage intensely-- perhaps to have company, even if it was a negative interaction?

As I said, I could have been much better-- used the SET tools more than I did, spend more time with her, got off the phone sooner. Lots of regrets.

[myself]

Do you feel like this was your last time going back?

As if you had to make sure and now you're sure?

How are your own patterns going to change after this?

[kc sunshine]

Do you feel like this was your last time going back?

As if you had to make sure and now you're sure?

How are your own patterns going to change after this?

Oh all of these are good questions, but they are making me feel worse somehow  :'(

Did no one else recycle over the holidays?

[Tim300]

How did she deprive your sleep?

By fighting on the phone. It was hard for me to get off. Did/does anyone else struggle with this?

Yes.  Mine did this to me so much.  We talked on the phone every night Monday through Thursday for a couple years.  There were many fights (really, just her fighting me).  I can't even remember what she would be fighting about.  It was like "I am pissed.  Do not hang up. I am pissed.  I don't care if it's 11pm and you need to go to sleep, we can't go to sleep until this is resolved."  Of course whatever she was pissed about was never really something that was important or had to be resolved then.  It was all pretty ridiculous and I unfortunately mistook the intensity for love/passion. 

[Recooperating]

  KC!

I was wondering how you were! I an truely sorry to hear it didnt work out.

I went through the exact same thing, recycled in sept. , tried SET and all the tools, but it didnt work... .Like you I am also not cut out to be in a rs with these dynamics. Iam NC now for almost 4 months.

I can also relate to the time consuming phone calls, provoking arguments just to have my complete attention. It happened every other night... .Man I was tired!

Looking back the last recycle I had with my dBPDexbf, was really good for me. It eliminated all the what ifs, I have no regrets, and I know this rs will never work.

I hope you're doing ok KC, just take it one day at a time! Welcome back!

[Climbmountains91]

Haven't got any advice but just wanted to pop in and say i hope your ok and know the horrible feeling coming out of a recycle as I've just come out of one after finding things on his phone a few days ago. Im sorry to hear it didn't work out, it is horrible coming out of any relationship but these kind of ones are just that more painful. 

[RedDove]

Hi KC, I'm sorry it didn't work out. But at least you got that final conformation that you didn't cause her disorder, can't cure it, or control it. I'm sure your eyes were open wide during this recycle based upon everything you learned. But I'm sure it still hurts very much and I'm sending you hugs 

My ex BPDbf also tried to recycle me during the holidays. It started back in late October right around his birthday. He kept texting through the Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years Holidays.

He was leading with idealization, calling me gorgeous, beautiful, and also saying I love you, always have, always will, I miss you, blah, blah, blah. I didn't fall for the bait. I never complimented him back. He even tried texting I was the sexiest woman on earth and how amazing our sex life was.   I would quickly change the subject to a generic conversation or stop texting. He kept asking to meet me in person for a drink, but, he didnt follow through and made up some ridiculous story as an excuse not to meet. It was the push/pull dynamic all over again! It was just like at the end of our encounter back in June when I ended it and went NC. Wish I had stayed NC!

It was so clear to me how he was trying to appeal to my weaknesses. Trying to compliment (mirror) me and get me back onto the triangle. As far as I know he's still with the OW in some capacity. Likely using her for sex just like he did to me in the end until he finds a replacement or recycles an ex. I almost ran into him at my Dads doctors office last week. I had no idea he went to same eye doctors. It made me feel instantly on edge and sick in the pit of my stomach!

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey KC-

If this is all a process, seeing her behavior as the abuse that it is is progress, and that's a good thing.  Time apart while you get educated and then another round can be good, it can offer clarity when before we were just lost.  Celebrate that.

As I said, I could have been much better-- used the SET tools more than I did, spend more time with her, got off the phone sooner. Lots of regrets.

Don't go there though.  All of us could have done "better", we're perfectly imperfect humans, but taking responsibility for something that never could have worked, and feeding the disorder by blaming yourself, doesn't do anyone any good, including her.