Just heard about replacement and feel sick

[Depression = 72% of members]

2 days shy of it being 4 months post b/u and 4 months of strict NC. I was at a family gathering and dang it I had to hear about my exBPDgf who I am not over yet. She is dating my cousins bf's brother. I saw my cousin's bf today and talked to him, he seems really nice, little did I know his brother is seeing my exBPDgf who I thought I had a once in a lifetime relationship with.

On the way home I heard that his brother was dating my exBPDgf and that their parents don't like her and don't want her around anymore. They said she seemed like trouble and seemed confused. Though that made me feel a little better I am overcome with emotions. I feel sick, light headed, and awful. I am in full panic mode and have a big feeling of dread.

[antonio1213]

2 days shy of it being 4 months post b/u and 4 months of strict NC. I was at a family gathering and dang it I had to hear about my exBPDgf who I am not over yet. She is dating my cousins bf's brother. I saw my cousin's bf today and talked to him, he seems really nice, little did I know his brother is seeing my exBPDgf who I thought I had a once in a lifetime relationship with.

On the way home I heard that his brother was dating my exBPDgf and that their parents don't like her and don't want her around anymore. They said she seemed like trouble and seemed confused. Though that made me feel a little better I am overcome with emotions. I feel sick, light headed, and awful. I am in full panic mode and have a big feeling of dread.

[GrimFellow]

2 days shy of it being 4 months post b/u and 4 months of strict NC. I was at a family gathering and dang it I had to hear about my exBPDgf who I am not over yet. She is dating my cousins bf's brother. I saw my cousin's bf today and talked to him, he seems really nice, little did I know his brother is seeing my exBPDgf who I thought I had a once in a lifetime relationship with.

On the way home I heard that his brother was dating my exBPDgf and that their parents don't like her and don't want her around anymore. They said she seemed like trouble and seemed confused. Though that made me feel a little better I am overcome with emotions. I feel sick, light headed, and awful. I am in full panic mode and have a big feeling of dread.

I know how you feel right now. You should try focusing on yourself instead of her, I know it's easily said and much more hard to do. Your "panic mode" means to me that remnants of awful FOG are still present in you. This is your reaction to perceived loss, but fortunatelly what we tend to perceive as loss after rs with exBPDgf is not even close to reality. You haven't lost anything, contrary- you gained a chance for freedom and happy future. Try to think about it this way, all ruminations that suggest you other path of thinking are based on toxicity of BPD attachment. You are attached to illusion and deep down you already realized that, because you've choosen NC. Try to reminisce the causes that led you to NC and be strong friend 

I'm sure that you'll pass through it as a stronger person. Stick to the facts not empty words and dreams

[antonio1213]

2 days shy of it being 4 months post b/u and 4 months of strict NC. I was at a family gathering and dang it I had to hear about my exBPDgf who I am not over yet. She is dating my cousins bf's brother. I saw my cousin's bf today and talked to him, he seems really nice, little did I know his brother is seeing my exBPDgf who I thought I had a once in a lifetime relationship with.

On the way home I heard that his brother was dating my exBPDgf and that their parents don't like her and don't want her around anymore. They said she seemed like trouble and seemed confused. Though that made me feel a little better I am overcome with emotions. I feel sick, light headed, and awful. I am in full panic mode and have a big feeling of dread.

I know how you feel right now. You should try focusing on yourself instead of her, I know it's easily said and much more hard to do. Your "panic mode" means to me that remnants of awful FOG are still present in you. This is your reaction to perceived loss, but fortunatelly what we tend to perceive as loss after rs with exBPDgf is not even close to reality. You haven't lost anything, contrary- you gained a chance for freedom and happy future. Try to think about it this way, all ruminations that suggest you other path of thinking are based on toxicity of BPD attachment. You are attached to illusion and deep down you already realized that, because you've choosen NC. Try to reminisce the causes that led you to NC and be strong friend 

I'm sure that you'll pass through it as a stronger person. Stick to the facts not empty words and dreams

Thanks for that. I am trying to stay strong. I need to learn to stop obsessing and give up my anger toward her. The FOG is still very present and the illusion is still there. She told me over and over she needed me, couldn't live without me blah blah blah. I just thought our 2.5 year relationship meant more to her than that. I guess I still am deeply in the FOG.

And I will stick to the facts. Her words were empty and so were her dreams. I guess she didn't mean anything that she said to me. She seemed to be insanely in love with me but I guess not.

[GrimFellow]

2 days shy of it being 4 months post b/u and 4 months of strict NC. I was at a family gathering and dang it I had to hear about my exBPDgf who I am not over yet. She is dating my cousins bf's brother. I saw my cousin's bf today and talked to him, he seems really nice, little did I know his brother is seeing my exBPDgf who I thought I had a once in a lifetime relationship with.

On the way home I heard that his brother was dating my exBPDgf and that their parents don't like her and don't want her around anymore. They said she seemed like trouble and seemed confused. Though that made me feel a little better I am overcome with emotions. I feel sick, light headed, and awful. I am in full panic mode and have a big feeling of dread.

I know how you feel right now. You should try focusing on yourself instead of her, I know it's easily said and much more hard to do. Your "panic mode" means to me that remnants of awful FOG are still present in you. This is your reaction to perceived loss, but fortunatelly what we tend to perceive as loss after rs with exBPDgf is not even close to reality. You haven't lost anything, contrary- you gained a chance for freedom and happy future. Try to think about it this way, all ruminations that suggest you other path of thinking are based on toxicity of BPD attachment. You are attached to illusion and deep down you already realized that, because you've choosen NC. Try to reminisce the causes that led you to NC and be strong friend  

I'm sure that you'll pass through it as a stronger person. Stick to the facts not empty words and dreams

Thanks for that. I am trying to stay strong. I need to learn to stop obsessing and give up my anger toward her. The FOG is still very present and the illusion is still there. She told me over and over she needed me, couldn't live without me blah blah blah. I just thought our 2.5 year relationship meant more to her than that. I guess I still am deeply in the FOG.

And I will stick to the facts. Her words were empty and so were her dreams. I guess she didn't mean anything that she said to me. She seemed to be insanely in love with me but I guess not.

She mirrored your own dreams at you and it's the thing that hooks us up. You should go through LESSONS (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0), it really helps in dispelling your doubts. You expressed a whole lot of doubts about her, her feelings etc. in your last post. All such doubts are discussed in LESSONS topic. I'm sure that, if you'll read it you will be in much better condition, and mark my words- I'M SURE not guessing.

This whole messageboard is a blessing, dig through it and you'll find the answers  

[CloseToFreedom]

I'm two months out now after a relationship of 4,5 years (with the last year had us living together). In those two months, she has already found a replacement for me and is plastering social media with pics and expressions of love.

I have also heard from my friends that after the break up she immediately began her search for a replacement, so its not so much that she waited a few months, she just couldn't get a replacement sooner.

Yes, it hurts. I was at a party this weekend and she was there as well with the replacement. The thing that hurt the most, is that I saw this idolization, this obsession of love in her eyes, that I haven't seen in years. When we started our relationship, she looked that way at me. I realise now that I've spend the years afterwards trying to recapture that look in her eyes, but it never really came, only partly during the many recycles.

You know, there's no way of knowing how things will pan out. Will she be happy with this guy forever? Probably not, but I lasted 4,5 years with her, so who knows. Point is that I cannot wait for that, I cannot let my life center around their relationship. I need to get over it and start living my own life, so that in time I will not care anymore.

Good luck. It is very difficult and I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one dealing with this.

[Infared]

2 days shy of it being 4 months post b/u and 4 months of strict NC. I was at a family gathering and dang it I had to hear about my exBPDgf who I am not over yet. She is dating my cousins bf's brother. I saw my cousin's bf today and talked to him, he seems really nice, little did I know his brother is seeing my exBPDgf who I thought I had a once in a lifetime relationship with.

On the way home I heard that his brother was dating my exBPDgf and that their parents don't like her and don't want her around anymore. They said she seemed like trouble and seemed confused. Though that made me feel a little better I am overcome with emotions. I feel sick, light headed, and awful. I am in full panic mode and have a big feeling of dread.

My ex ran off with new supply while lying to me... .my head "knew" my heart did not. I was told about it in a lie about a month later by her... .she saying that they had just met (she forgot that she had talked about this guy 2yrs. prior, on multiple occasions. WHOOPSIE!  ), and then at the six-month out point I had a run-in on the beach (she told me he did not go to the beach?)... .and they acted out "From Here To Eternity" in front of me like I couple of 7th-graders. Antonio... .I can honestly tell you that that was THE most painful day of my life.

PwBPD are extremely sick individuals, Def. mentally ill.  Normal adults don't pre-plan an event like that and actually follow through with it to cause a normal, honest, caring individual emotional pain like that for their personal enjoyment. And they were both clearly enjoying it.

There were many similar occasions where they did this type of thing as time went on.

I have never been treated with such disrespect in my life.  

I understand how you are feeling. Its devastatingly painful emotionally. It's normal, especially for people like us that were unhealthily attached to a pwBPD. I had a very strong support network and a T to help me work my way through the pain. I ended up having a wonderful personal experience that day at the beach, too that helped me to change and grow... .but that is what we must do.

I went absolute NC after that... .and she would do things like drive-byes at my house when she was alone and stop and try to talk to me ... but after that event on the beach I just shut her down and would not interact... .sick stuff on her part.

I never talked to her again... .and it still bothers me today... .hard thing to do for my personal mental health. She still tries to walk up to me in public places years later... .but I always turn and walk away in disgust... .I just do not have anything to say to her. How could I and still love me?

Just keep moving forward... .it will get better for you and you will find inner strength... .but be ready to expect anything from a pwBPD... .they are totally WHACKY. it can help us move away from them to a healthier place.

[jhkbuzz]

Yes, it hurts. I was at a party this weekend and she was there as well with the replacement. The thing that hurt the most, is that I saw this idolization, this obsession of love in her eyes, that I haven't seen in years. When we started our relationship, she looked that way at me. I realise now that I've spend the years afterwards trying to recapture that look in her eyes, but it never really came, only partly during the many recycles.

Wow, that must have been really, really painful to watch.  But interesting too:  a 4/5 year relationship, you say?  And 2 months post b/u?  And you're seeing the "obsession of love in her eyes"?  REALLY?

No... .what you're seeing is a disordered person who cannot stand on her own, who needs other people to make her whole, who will continue moving through life hurting others, whose dysfunctional needs will never be satisfied.  What a sad, sad existence.

[Infared]

"No... .what you're seeing is a disordered person who cannot stand on her own, who needs other people to make her whole, who will continue moving through life hurting others, whose dysfunctional needs will never be satisfied.  What a sad, sad existence."

jhkbuzz... .

That TOTALLY nails it... .and in owning that... .we can heal. They are sick and just do a lot of "taking". They can't help it.

[NYMike]

Yes you are all so right about these BPD's.

The ''trick'' is how and why we got involved with this type of human being.What was it about us that got us there in the first place.What was it about us that continued to stay there knowing what we new.?

I hope someday I can figure myself out and never get involved with this type of person again.I hope someday I can read the    and stop painting these    white.I hope to run as fast as I can in the future... .

[Deeno02]

"No... .what you're seeing is a disordered person who cannot stand on her own, who needs other people to make her whole, who will continue moving through life hurting others, whose dysfunctional needs will never be satisfied.  What a sad, sad existence."

jhkbuzz... .

That TOTALLY nails it... .and in owning that... .we can heal. They are sick and just do a lot of "taking". They can't help it.

If to add more thought behind the above comment, I was replaced within a week. Thats how bad this is for them, one week. Literally Im on the couch with her and the kids, next week a new guy doing the same. Its what they do. Cant even properly mourn a relationship. Dont worry, it does get better.

[CloseToFreedom]

Yes, it hurts. I was at a party this weekend and she was there as well with the replacement. The thing that hurt the most, is that I saw this idolization, this obsession of love in her eyes, that I haven't seen in years. When we started our relationship, she looked that way at me. I realise now that I've spend the years afterwards trying to recapture that look in her eyes, but it never really came, only partly during the many recycles.

Wow, that must have been really, really painful to watch.  But interesting too:  a 4/5 year relationship, you say?  And 2 months post b/u?  And you're seeing the "obsession of love in her eyes"?  REALLY?

No... .what you're seeing is a disordered person who cannot stand on her own, who needs other people to make her whole, who will continue moving through life hurting others, whose dysfunctional needs will never be satisfied.  What a sad, sad existence.

Oh, I know this, on an intellectual level of course (on an emotional level its far more hurtful). Hell, even our mutual friends know this. When she got out of our relationship she wasted no time and started the search. Hell, this also happens during our many break ups. AND it was even worse when I met her: she broke off with her previous bf and the same night came to me. How insane is that? She called me after breaking up with him, and I could hear the joy in her voice. 'He started crying and I just left him there.' She was happy to spend time with me from then on out, and I was happy that she wanted that, so I wasn't in the position to see this massive, hundred foot tall red flag waving at me, saying 'Hey man, see this? This is what's going to happen to you eventually. Good freakin' luck!' Before me, before her previous ex, she had another ex, and he was painted black as well. She often mentioned to me in the beginning what an ass he was. Guess what? When we broke up she made contact with him again and tried to reel him in.

So this is a girl that from her 15/16th has been in constant relationships. She's 23 now. I ask you, how healthy is this? Not very healthy. I'm 30 and even I need a time out from relationships after this crazy rollercoaster. But she can't have that time out, because she needs constant supply, she needs someone to replace her daddy that left her when she was a child. She needs unconditional love, acceptance for exactly who and what she is. And I couldn't give that to her, not after the honeymoon phase. I needed a REAL, ADULT relationship where BOTH of our NEEDS were met. She couldn't do that. It was her way or the highway.

I remember one of our last dinners (she wanted to go out to eat almost every week, eventually I just accepted this), she found a table for outside she wanted to pick up, asked if we could pick it up tomorrow. I asked if we could do it next week, as tomorrow was my only day off and I just wanted to chill with her at home. She went completely silent in the restaurant, and I could see the hate in her eyes, the hate that I didn't give her exactly what she wanted, when she wanted it. Then her mother came by in the restaurant (we had planned to go out to dinner with her), and she immediately saw something was wrong. She asked to her daughter, 'whats going on?' She said 'I wanted to get a table tomorrow but he (as in, me) doesn't want to get it with me. I calmly explained what I wanted, but she was so upset. I felt cornered, I mean, she is basically telling her mother that I failed doing something for her, with me sitting there. So I caved in and said: 'okay, we are getting it tomorrow'. She then says: 'You're just saying that because my mother is here and you are ashamed!' Well, basically, yes indeed! You've put me in this situation! But I just said: 'No, I really want to get it with you.'  And the rest of the dinner was lovely, she was so kind to me and rested her head against my shoulder, all happy. Because she got what she wanted.

Of course, the next day when we went for the table, there was something else going on. There always is. She was driving in her car and I asked if we could do a small detour (like 1 minute) to go to the gass station to pick up a pack of smokes. No, she couldn't, I should've said that sooner (even though I already asked her at home). I even offered to pay for the gas that it would cost. Still, no luck. Eventually she stopped the car in the middle of no where and told me to get out. I called my parents to pick up me, she followed and started crying at my parents home, being all hurt. Saying she loved me. I just couldn't say it back anymore.

I constantly felt manipulated.

Anyway, sorry for the slight derail.

[jhkbuzz]

Yes, it hurts. I was at a party this weekend and she was there as well with the replacement. The thing that hurt the most, is that I saw this idolization, this obsession of love in her eyes, that I haven't seen in years. When we started our relationship, she looked that way at me. I realise now that I've spend the years afterwards trying to recapture that look in her eyes, but it never really came, only partly during the many recycles.

Wow, that must have been really, really painful to watch.  But interesting too:  a 4/5 year relationship, you say?  And 2 months post b/u?  And you're seeing the "obsession of love in her eyes"?  REALLY?

No... .what you're seeing is a disordered person who cannot stand on her own, who needs other people to make her whole, who will continue moving through life hurting others, whose dysfunctional needs will never be satisfied.  What a sad, sad existence.

But now the real work comes for us... .to look inward to examine our participation in the relationship. Why did we need to be "idolized"?  What in us was lacking that we were drawn to this kind of r/s? What kind of work do we need to do to prepare for a healthy, adult r/s in the future?

[NYMike]

Yes, it hurts. I was at a party this weekend and she was there as well with the replacement. The thing that hurt the most, is that I saw this idolization, this obsession of love in her eyes, that I haven't seen in years. When we started our relationship, she looked that way at me. I realise now that I've spend the years afterwards trying to recapture that look in her eyes, but it never really came, only partly during the many recycles.

Wow, that must have been really, really painful to watch.  But interesting too:  a 4/5 year relationship, you say?  And 2 months post b/u?  And you're seeing the "obsession of love in her eyes"?  REALLY?

No... .what you're seeing is a disordered person who cannot stand on her own, who needs other people to make her whole, who will continue moving through life hurting others, whose dysfunctional needs will never be satisfied.  What a sad, sad existence.

But now the real work comes for us... .to look inward to examine our participation in the relationship. Why did we need to be "idolized"?  What in us was lacking that we were drawn to this kind of r/s? What kind of work do we need to do to prepare for a healthy, adult r/s in the future?

That's were I am at in this process.Why do I seem to attract BPD's or woman with so many issues.?... Then I stay and try to fix it all.I fall in love with them,LMAO... Then I get crushed and wonder WHY.

I had to get honest and realize this was not my first go around with these type of woman.The problem is in me somewhere.So I continue to go to T and find out WHY.                   

The old saying ''You can't bring a whoore home and make her a housewife''... .This statement is very true.

[raisins3142]

Mine broke up with her ex in January of 2014.  We met mid-May 2014.  She talked about how it had been so long since she had sex (4 months) and how her cousin was about to sign her up for internet dating.  Also, she couldn't believe her friend waiting so long to set us up.  Mind you, the guy she broke up with before me had dated her during two different periods (separated by a few years) and each of those times was 2 years or longer in length.

This was a red flag I ignored.  In my adult life, after a break up of any exclusive relationship, I took a MINIMUM of 4 months before I even wanted to date again at all, let alone find my next partner.

She then described times in her life when SUPPOSEDLY she was single for a few years.  Yeah right, she was just having super short relationships that never launched or having casual sex relationships and sleeping around during those periods.  I doubt she has gone more than a few months in her entire life without some sort of love interest or sexual relationship.

[raisins3142]

She needs unconditional love, acceptance for exactly who and what she is. And I couldn't give that to her, not after the honeymoon phase.

Mine was also obsessed with acceptance and unconditional love.  She was constantly talking about it and posting various memes.  These are just buzz words and talking points and empty platitudes.

She actually told me that in a relationship both people should totally accept the person as they are.  Sorry, push me too hard, and I won't accept your crap, I'll leave, as I proved to her by doing just that.

[jhkbuzz]

She needs unconditional love, acceptance for exactly who and what she is. And I couldn't give that to her, not after the honeymoon phase.

Mine was also obsessed with acceptance and unconditional love.  She was constantly talking about it and posting various memes.  These are just buzz words and talking points and empty platitudes.

She actually told me that in a relationship both people should totally accept the person as they are.  Sorry, push me too hard, and I won't accept your crap, I'll leave, as I proved to her by doing just that.

I'm not so sure that they're buzz words and empty platitudes.  BPD is a disorder of arrested emotional development.  In terms of their level of emotional development, they are very much like children.  And all children are looking for unconditional love... .it's what children need to grow into healthy, functioning adults.

I heard the "unconditional love" refrain from my ex as well... .and I've read other posts where the refrain is echoed.  It's like our ex's recognized what they were lacking but they tried to fill that lack in an adult r/s.  Instead of engaging in a healthy, adult, reciprocal r/s, they relate to their SO from the emotional vantage point of a child. 

And then we wonder why these r/s's don't work... .

[CloseToFreedom]

Mine didn't use the exact words (I mean I'm from holland so we don't talk english here, haha), but she would basically say the same things. Like 'you just have to accept me for who I am'... .in other words, i should accept the abuse. Or 'I just have short temper', or 'I just am highly critical of things or people', etc etc.

There was never any moment in 4,5 years where she said she had to change. The best I got out of her was at our last recycle, where she said WE should work on OUR communication. Not only did that fly out of the window when we were a solid couple again, most of the times I heard how I had to adapt, how I never listened to her, how she couldnt express her feelings to me, how I was the freakin' borderliner even.

[Leaving]

I know this is going to sound rather ' matter of fact' and I don't mean to dismiss your feelings in any way but a relationship with a BPD person is like a job and when you quit or get fired, they need to replace you asap with a new ' employee'. Yes, it's just that simple for them.  When they are alone, they are in hyper survival mode and will immediately seek a replacement.  They can't operate alone and be happy and feel secure.

Don't take it personally. Try to be reasonable and logical and realize that your ego is responding to the replacement but that's also because you are still seeing her in your very skewed perception of her.  Remember that your perception of the relationship never resembled her perception.  She wasn't emotionally available even though you were. She's an apple and you're an orange who thought she was an orange. 

[raisins3142]

Mine didn't use the exact words (I mean I'm from holland so we don't talk english here, haha), but she would basically say the same things. Like 'you just have to accept me for who I am'... .in other words, i should accept the abuse. Or 'I just have short temper', or 'I just am highly critical of things or people', etc etc.

When I would ask her to do reasonable things (talk about how she felt, suggest a place for dinner, etc) for an adult relationship, she would bluntly say "I can't help you with that".  I'm hearing that it is common for them to have a "take it or leave it" approach, well they shouldn't be surprised when everyone "leaves it" then.

[CloseToFreedom]

Mine didn't use the exact words (I mean I'm from holland so we don't talk english here, haha), but she would basically say the same things. Like 'you just have to accept me for who I am'... .in other words, i should accept the abuse. Or 'I just have short temper', or 'I just am highly critical of things or people', etc etc.

When I would ask her to do reasonable things (talk about how she felt, suggest a place for dinner, etc) for an adult relationship, she would bluntly say "I can't help you with that".  I'm hearing that it is common for them to have a "take it or leave it" approach, well they shouldn't be surprised when everyone "leaves it" then.

Expecting a child to behave like an adult is pointless anyway. Mine even tried to avoid calling to places, like reserving for diner. I always had to do that, and the reason she stated was that she didn't like doing that. Talking on the phone with people she didn't know, I guess? I had that fear once as well. Of course, I was 10 back then.

[Leaving]

Mine didn't use the exact words (I mean I'm from holland so we don't talk english here, haha), but she would basically say the same things. Like 'you just have to accept me for who I am'... .in other words, i should accept the abuse. Or 'I just have short temper', or 'I just am highly critical of things or people', etc etc.

When I would ask her to do reasonable things (talk about how she felt, suggest a place for dinner, etc) for an adult relationship, she would bluntly say "I can't help you with that".  I'm hearing that it is common for them to have a "take it or leave it" approach, well they shouldn't be surprised when everyone "leaves it" then.

Expecting a child to behave like an adult is pointless anyway. Mine even tried to avoid calling to places, like reserving for diner. I always had to do that, and the reason she stated was that she didn't like doing that. Talking on the phone with people she didn't know, I guess? I had that fear once as well. Of course, I was 10 back then.

 

Close, she was probably fine talking on the phone with others in her own time, own place- but not around you.  She probably perceived you as the adult/parent and manipulated you to perform those duties for her. This protects her from being judged by you and from making a mistake and being criticized and shamed by you.  My husband did this all the time to me re: phones, appointments, etc... and when I would tell him no, he would make the call and then mumble and sound like a pitiful child on the phone which then forced me to have to intervene most of the time.  I finally quit doing that and allowed the cards to fall as they may.  My husband is trapped in his painful childhood- trying to re-create it with a happy loving parent (me) who gives him what he didn't get as a child while the other part of him resents me for acting like the parent/adult.  It's a no win.

[CloseToFreedom]

Holy... .that is really an eye opener. While she would be somewhat functional as an adult in the 'real world', she would often act like this child around me. This soft, high voice... .not like she would talk normally. If she was in her element or if I was painted white, she would talk very childlike. Especially when cuddling or something. Or when she wanted me to do something. I think more and more I was the replacement for her father that left her when she was a child. Of course, in the end I couldn't be a father for her, I wanted to be an equal partner, and I think there things started falling apart.

Edit: now that I think of it, I was so used to the childlike voice and identified it with her loving me, that whenever she would use her 'normal' voice around me I felt attacked, like this was someone else. Most of the time, it meant she wasn't pleased with me, was irritated, or at least didn't need me at that moment and that usually meant i was more of a bother than a blessing for her at that time.

[Leaving]

Holy... .that is really an eye opener. While she would be somewhat functional as an adult in the 'real world', she would often act like this child around me. This soft, high voice... .not like she would talk normally. If she was in her element or if I was painted white, she would talk very childlike. Especially when cuddling or something. Or when she wanted me to do something. I think more and more I was the replacement for her father that left her when she was a child. Of course, in the end I couldn't be a father for her, I wanted to be an equal partner, and I think there things started falling apart.

Edit: now that I think of it, I was so used to the childlike voice and identified it with her loving me, that whenever she would use her 'normal' voice around me I felt attacked, like this was someone else. Most of the time, it meant she wasn't pleased with me, was irritated, or at least didn't need me at that moment and that usually meant i was more of a bother than a blessing for her at that time.

The thing is, they don't feel confident and grounded as an adult, so they play passive child in order to avoid accountability.  My mother who also had BPD and NPD would always talk in a childish silly voice when she was up to no good.  It's like she was saying, ' Well, I can't help myself    .  Don't be so hard on me.  Cut me some slack, I'm just a kid".  I always knew when she was being irresponsible.  My husband would spend money that we didn't have and he would approach me like a little boy in his childish voice and say, ' Hundy, I bought something... ."  Of course, I would get mad at him anyway which just further entrenched us in that parent-child drama.    Have you ever studied transactional analysis?  I think there are some youtube videos on it.  I think it would be helpful to you to read about it because it will help you to understand the characteristics of the different relationship dynamics ( parent-child, adult-child, parent-parent, adult-adult, etc... )  I'm a recovering codependent and TA really helped me to recognize how I get sucked into the dysfunctional dramas.

Abandonment issues can certainly lead to BPD.  While my husband's parents were present in his life, they were not emotionally there and they neglected him on many levels.  It's very sad and I won't forgive them for what they did to him.  His entire life has suffered because of them.

[jhkbuzz]

My husband is trapped in his painful childhood- trying to re-create it with a happy loving parent (me) who gives him what he didn't get as a child while the other part of him resents me for acting like the parent/adult.  It's a no win.

Yup, that ^ about sums it up.  My exBPDgf acted like a young girl (complete with voice affects; see quote below) - and I took on the lion's share of adult responsibility in the r/s.  Not good for either of us; I never should have allowed it to happen.  Years later she started to complain that she didn't feel "equal" in the r/s... .ummmmm... .  In fact, that exact dynamic ended the r/s... .she felt persecuted because she wasn't being treated as an "equal."  Her therapist pointed out to her that she was blaming me (project much?) for HER behavior, but to no avail.

Holy... .that is really an eye opener. While she would be somewhat functional as an adult in the 'real world', she would often act like this child around me. This soft, high voice... .not like she would talk normally. If she was in her element or if I was painted white, she would talk very childlike. Especially when cuddling or something. Or when she wanted me to do something. I think more and more I was the replacement for her father that left her when she was a child. Of course, in the end I couldn't be a father for her, I wanted to be an equal partner, and I think there things started falling apart.

Edit: now that I think of it, I was so used to the childlike voice and identified it with her loving me, that whenever she would use her 'normal' voice around me I felt attacked, like this was someone else. Most of the time, it meant she wasn't pleased with me, was irritated, or at least didn't need me at that moment and that usually meant i was more of a bother than a blessing for her at that time.

If you haven't read about Jeffrey Young's "schema modes" it's very eye opening. The "young child" is a "vulnerable child" mode in schema therapy; the "switch" you felt was a switch into a different emotional mode - perhaps that of the angry child, the impulsive child, or the detached protector.

www.schematherapy.com/id72.htm

I strongly recommend that you check it out.  Lightbulbs will start going off for you all over the place.

[Ayreana]

Mine didn't use the exact words (I mean I'm from holland so we don't talk english here, haha), but she would basically say the same things. Like 'you just have to accept me for who I am'... .in other words, i should accept the abuse. Or 'I just have short temper', or 'I just am highly critical of things or people', etc etc.

There was never any moment in 4,5 years where she said she had to change. The best I got out of her was at our last recycle, where she said WE should work on OUR communication. Not only did that fly out of the window when we were a solid couple again, most of the times I heard how I had to adapt, how I never listened to her, how she couldnt express her feelings to me, how I was the freakin' borderliner even.

You're right, my ex bf allways used his BPD as an excuse. And I should adept/adjust to his moods, how stupid is that? If I mentioned any insecurity on my part he would get irritated etc etc. "I shouldn't worry, you know I have BPD blah blah" But did he take any action to get help? No. Therapy was stupid in his eyes. Medication even worse. He would rather feel awfull and stay the same then work on himself.

[CloseToFreedom]

Mine didn't use the exact words (I mean I'm from holland so we don't talk english here, haha), but she would basically say the same things. Like 'you just have to accept me for who I am'... .in other words, i should accept the abuse. Or 'I just have short temper', or 'I just am highly critical of things or people', etc etc.

There was never any moment in 4,5 years where she said she had to change. The best I got out of her was at our last recycle, where she said WE should work on OUR communication. Not only did that fly out of the window when we were a solid couple again, most of the times I heard how I had to adapt, how I never listened to her, how she couldnt express her feelings to me, how I was the freakin' borderliner even.

You're right, my ex bf allways used his BPD as an excuse. And I should adept/adjust to his moods, how stupid is that? If I mentioned any insecurity on my part he would get irritated etc etc. "I shouldn't worry, you know I have BPD blah blah" But did he take any action to get help? No. Therapy was stupid in his eyes. Medication even worse. He would rather feel awfull and stay the same then work on himself.

Mine was never diagnosed so she didn't use that as excuse, but the way they expect you to accept their moodswings like its the most normal thing in the world is part of what broke our relationship. I mean, after a year of living together I just couldn't accept the smallest thing from her anymore because I was so aggrevated from it. Like, when she came home from work during the weekends she wanted to take a nap in the middle of the day, no problem. She wanted me to wake her up from that, no problem. But she would almost always be in a bad mood when waking up. I just had to accept it, if I said that I didn't like to be treated that way she would answer that was just the way she was, deal with it.

[Infared]

Mine didn't use the exact words (I mean I'm from holland so we don't talk english here, haha), but she would basically say the same things. Like 'you just have to accept me for who I am'... .in other words, i should accept the abuse. Or 'I just have short temper', or 'I just am highly critical of things or people', etc etc.

There was never any moment in 4,5 years where she said she had to change. The best I got out of her was at our last recycle, where she said WE should work on OUR communication. Not only did that fly out of the window when we were a solid couple again, most of the times I heard how I had to adapt, how I never listened to her, how she couldnt express her feelings to me, how I was the freakin' borderliner even.

You're right, my ex bf allways used his BPD as an excuse. And I should adept/adjust to his moods, how stupid is that? If I mentioned any insecurity on my part he would get irritated etc etc. "I shouldn't worry, you know I have BPD blah blah" But did he take any action to get help? No. Therapy was stupid in his eyes. Medication even worse. He would rather feel awfull and stay the same then work on himself.

And he had you to tolerate him. Why would he change?

I have struggled with self esteem my whole life. I had an abusive girlfriend before my pwBPD.

I was always hoping that she would accept me.  

During that relationship I got into a self-help group... .where I worked on my self esteem.

This person was extremely nasty at times... .on one evening I drove an hour and a half to her place... .and upon my arrival... .She started to get nasty to me... .So I tried out some of my"new" behavior. I said  "(her name), I just drove an hour and a half to come and see you, but if you are going to continue be nasty to me, I am going to go get in my car and drive home."  15 min later she had another outburst of her nastiness... .I told her in a calm voice that I had called her attention to her nastiness and and that her behavior was unacceptable and I had warned her. I then walked out the door... .got in my car and drove home.  She ended up apologizing eventually... .but just kept being who she was over the long run... .so I had to eventually leave the relationship... .life is not easy.  I was working on myself... .she was not. It is hard to get waist deep in something and then have to walk back to dry land to save ourselves. God it's hard to do!

[Ayreana]

Mine didn't use the exact words (I mean I'm from holland so we don't talk english here, haha), but she would basically say the same things. Like 'you just have to accept me for who I am'... .in other words, i should accept the abuse. Or 'I just have short temper', or 'I just am highly critical of things or people', etc etc.

There was never any moment in 4,5 years where she said she had to change. The best I got out of her was at our last recycle, where she said WE should work on OUR communication. Not only did that fly out of the window when we were a solid couple again, most of the times I heard how I had to adapt, how I never listened to her, how she couldnt express her feelings to me, how I was the freakin' borderliner even.

You're right, my ex bf allways used his BPD as an excuse. And I should adept/adjust to his moods, how stupid is that? If I mentioned any insecurity on my part he would get irritated etc etc. "I shouldn't worry, you know I have BPD blah blah" But did he take any action to get help? No. Therapy was stupid in his eyes. Medication even worse. He would rather feel awfull and stay the same then work on himself.

And he had you to tolerate him. Why would he change?

I have struggled with self esteem my whole life. I had an abusive girlfriend before my pwBPD.

I was always hoping that she would accept me.  

During that relationship I got into a self-help group... .where I worked on my self esteem.

This person was extremely nasty at times... .on one evening I drove an hour and a half to her place... .and upon my arrival... .She started to get nasty to me... .So I tried out some of my"new" behavior. I said  "(her name), I just drove an hour and a half to come and see you, but if you are going to continue be nasty to me, I am going to go get in my car and drive home."  15 min later she had another outburst of her nastiness... .I told her in a calm voice that I had called her attention to her nastiness and and that her behavior was unacceptable and I had warned her. I then walked out the door... .got in my car and drove home.  She ended up apologizing eventually... .but just kept being who she was over the long run... .so I had to eventually leave the relationship... .life is not easy.  I was working on myself... .she was not. It is hard to get waist deep in something and then have to walk back to dry land to save ourselves. God it's hard to do!

Yes it is very hard, I know I have low self esteem issues, but a r/s like that makes it even worse. Everybody keeps saying, that there is a person out there who is worthy of me. That I have a lot to be proud of, but I can't seem to feel it that way.

[Deeno02]

Mine didn't use the exact words (I mean I'm from holland so we don't talk english here, haha), but she would basically say the same things. Like 'you just have to accept me for who I am'... .in other words, i should accept the abuse. Or 'I just have short temper', or 'I just am highly critical of things or people', etc etc.

There was never any moment in 4,5 years where she said she had to change. The best I got out of her was at our last recycle, where she said WE should work on OUR communication. Not only did that fly out of the window when we were a solid couple again, most of the times I heard how I had to adapt, how I never listened to her, how she couldnt express her feelings to me, how I was the freakin' borderliner even.

You're right, my ex bf allways used his BPD as an excuse. And I should adept/adjust to his moods, how stupid is that? If I mentioned any insecurity on my part he would get irritated etc etc. "I shouldn't worry, you know I have BPD blah blah" But did he take any action to get help? No. Therapy was stupid in his eyes. Medication even worse. He would rather feel awfull and stay the same then work on himself.

And he had you to tolerate him. Why would he change?

I have struggled with self esteem my whole life. I had an abusive girlfriend before my pwBPD.

I was always hoping that she would accept me.  

During that relationship I got into a self-help group... .where I worked on my self esteem.

This person was extremely nasty at times... .on one evening I drove an hour and a half to her place... .and upon my arrival... .She started to get nasty to me... .So I tried out some of my"new" behavior. I said  "(her name), I just drove an hour and a half to come and see you, but if you are going to continue be nasty to me, I am going to go get in my car and drive home."  15 min later she had another outburst of her nastiness... .I told her in a calm voice that I had called her attention to her nastiness and and that her behavior was unacceptable and I had warned her. I then walked out the door... .got in my car and drove home.  She ended up apologizing eventually... .but just kept being who she was over the long run... .so I had to eventually leave the relationship... .life is not easy.  I was working on myself... .she was not. It is hard to get waist deep in something and then have to walk back to dry land to save ourselves. God it's hard to do!

Yes it is very hard, I know I have low self esteem issues, but a r/s like that makes it even worse. Everybody keeps saying, that there is a person out there who is worthy of me. That I have a lot to be proud of, but I can't seem to feel it that way.

Same. Cant stand the constant disappointment and hurt.

[Infared]

Mine didn't use the exact words (I mean I'm from holland so we don't talk english here, haha), but she would basically say the same things. Like 'you just have to accept me for who I am'... .in other words, i should accept the abuse. Or 'I just have short temper', or 'I just am highly critical of things or people', etc etc.

There was never any moment in 4,5 years where she said she had to change. The best I got out of her was at our last recycle, where she said WE should work on OUR communication. Not only did that fly out of the window when we were a solid couple again, most of the times I heard how I had to adapt, how I never listened to her, how she couldnt express her feelings to me, how I was the freakin' borderliner even.

You're right, my ex bf allways used his BPD as an excuse. And I should adept/adjust to his moods, how stupid is that? If I mentioned any insecurity on my part he would get irritated etc etc. "I shouldn't worry, you know I have BPD blah blah" But did he take any action to get help? No. Therapy was stupid in his eyes. Medication even worse. He would rather feel awfull and stay the same then work on himself.

And he had you to tolerate him. Why would he change?

I have struggled with self esteem my whole life. I had an abusive girlfriend before my pwBPD.

I was always hoping that she would accept me.  

During that relationship I got into a self-help group... .where I worked on my self esteem.

This person was extremely nasty at times... .on one evening I drove an hour and a half to her place... .and upon my arrival... .She started to get nasty to me... .So I tried out some of my"new" behavior. I said  "(her name), I just drove an hour and a half to come and see you, but if you are going to continue be nasty to me, I am going to go get in my car and drive home."  15 min later she had another outburst of her nastiness... .I told her in a calm voice that I had called her attention to her nastiness and and that her behavior was unacceptable and I had warned her. I then walked out the door... .got in my car and drove home.  She ended up apologizing eventually... .but just kept being who she was over the long run... .so I had to eventually leave the relationship... .life is not easy.  I was working on myself... .she was not. It is hard to get waist deep in something and then have to walk back to dry land to save ourselves. God it's hard to do!

Yes it is very hard, I know I have low self esteem issues, but a r/s like that makes it even worse. Everybody keeps saying, that there is a person out there who is worthy of me. That I have a lot to be proud of, but I can't seem to feel it that way.

I have come to believe that I am genetically built that way.  ... .but I am aware of it and I do my best to work on it. That feeling is there a lot because I am overly sensitive and I take things personally.  It can be a tough ride at times ... .but it also has its benefits.