When you went NC how did they respond?

[anxiety5]

I changed my number 2 weeks ago after letting her know I was done. Only contact I've had with her since was when she showed up to my house hysterical as I was leaving for work. I kept it short and let her know I was done again. She sent me an email from her phone asking if she could come over a few days later to talk. I responded for what I decided was the last time, by saying that I didn't think it was a good idea. We have talked enough. I don't want this anymore. Good luck with everything. I changed my number to get the space I needed. I was going crazy. The last month was just a debacle. After I sent the last email, I decided I was going NC because I realized she would wiggle in someway by emailing me or calling me at work.

It's been a week now. I've heard nothing. Silence. It's the longest we have gone without speaking/contact since we met. I've been seeing a counselor to sort out the madness now that the "noise" has finally stopped and I have a defined vat of toxicity with which to sort out. Keeping contact with her, it became a never ending cesspool of toxicity, the second you sorted it out, you'd get a dump trunk of fresh toxicity dumped right on top.

My question is this.

In your experiences, is this some calm before another round of trying to work her way back in? Or is there a chance that she is going to finally leave me alone? In the past I was the one who had trouble enforcing boundaries, something I wasn't even aware of but am now. If I had to guess, I think at this very moment she probably assumes by ignoring me back (in her head) I'll come back to her again. Is this how they think?

What's running through her head right now? I ask because I've read so much how they can start total smear campaigns, craziness once they realize you are serious.

She was very NPD maybe more so than BPD, but definitely co-morbid. At this point, my assumption is her ego is holding on to it's dignity by her delusional view that SHE is the one ignoring me. If that's the case, works for me. I don't want her back.

Just interested in you're guys knowledge and experience as to what the ex is thinking when I enforce a boundary, hold my ground and then they go silent for the longest time since we met.

Is it acceptance? And giving up?

Or is she plotting a way back in or some vengeful act?

Moderator:****Please keep this post in detaching/leaving. It has nothing to do with being confused if I'm staying or going. I left. I've gone NC. I will remain in NC. I have a counselor who is helping me through NC. I'm simply wondering these questions and asking them in this forum because in theory all of you reading it have gone through this split before yourselves with your ex's.

[JRT]

I'd like to hear comments on this... .

[hurting300]

Most BPD's go no contact before you can. But I'd say if you've been dumped way would they care?

[fromheeltoheal]

Think attachments with borderlines.  The relationship has drastically changed, so she's either freaking out or looking for new attachments, or both; remember a borderline doesn't exist unless they're attached to someone.  So the question she's asking is is an attachment still in place, and if you respond in any way, including getting pissed off, it will be interpreted as an attachment.  Disappearing, not communicating, acting bored and disinterested if she does show up, and then giving it time are the way to behave, and at some point she'll accept that the attachment is severed and move on to the next shiny object.

There's also the shame part.  If she blames herself for the demise of the relationship, she will feel ashamed, that won't feel good, so she'll use the tools, make you a scumbag, change the facts to fit the feelings, attach to someone else as a distraction, whatever, and if that works well enough, meaning she feels better about you, and something in her world sucks, she may consider contacting you for some soothing, and also to see if an attachment is still in place.

As per usual, it's best to decide what you really want, be honest about whether you can get it from her, and act accordingly.  Most breakups include some civility and some closure, don't expect that here, and it's a shame we need to play silly games, but it's just the safest and easiest as we get on with our lives.  Take care of you!

[Hazelrah]

Most BPD's go no contact before you can. But I'd say if you've been dumped why would they care?

Two fair points. 

In addition to learning how they respond, we should also look into how we will respond during the same time.

[anxiety5]

Think attachments with borderlines.  The relationship has drastically changed, so she's either freaking out or looking for new attachments, or both; remember a borderline doesn't exist unless they're attached to someone.  So the question she's asking is is an attachment still in place, and if you respond in any way, including getting pissed off, it will be interpreted as an attachment.  :)isappearing, not communicating, acting bored and disinterested if she does show up, and then giving it time are the way to behave, and at some point she'll accept that the attachment is severed and move on to the next shiny object.

There's also the shame part.  If she blames herself for the demise of the relationship, she will feel ashamed, that won't feel good, so she'll use the tools, make you a scumbag, change the facts to fit the feelings, attach to someone else as a distraction, whatever, and if that works well enough, meaning she feels better about you, and something in her world sucks, she may consider contacting you for some soothing, and also to see if an attachment is still in place.

As per usual, it's best to decide what you really want, be honest about whether you can get it from her, and act accordingly.  Most breakups include some civility and some closure, don't expect that here, and it's a shame we need to play silly games, but it's just the safest and easiest as we get on with our lives.  Take care of you!

Thank you! Honestly, I'm not sure really why, or how, but I feel good. I thought I was going to be so depressed, sad and miserable, a lot of why I stayed for a while was to just avoid that. But thanks to a lot of education which I did during the times she would push me away for no reason, I learned so much.

I honestly think this relationship was the most important I'll ever have. I learned about boundaries, about self worth vs self validation through someone else. I realized I was working for a narcissist, and got better at dealing with him. I've learned to trust my gut instinct, I've learned next time to take things slow and if that's not ok with them, that's the only red flag I need to leave. This relationship has taught me a lot about myself too. The walking on egg shells was hell, but in some ways, it made me do an inventory of the things I do, the way I behave and even though her accusations were baseless and about control more than my faults, it offered me the opportunity to learn skills such as validation, walking away from arguments until both people are calm, thinking about what I say vs reacting, in my attempts to not give her any reason to make my life miserable during her bad times, it forced me to think of the way I go about conversations, to sense more about other's moods before potentially brining up something that will be seen as confrontational. It forced me to be on my A game as far as manors, chivalry and to find the good in the bad, no matter how bad. To focus on that, and to compliment someone even in or soon after their worst moment. It taught me grace.

It's really odd for me to say this, but it's changed the way I view personal relationships. That dark cloud that sometimes exists over a person or a room, I feel I can identify what's going on a lot more than I could before.

Being to the depths of hell and back, surviving, keeping my dignity intact, and learning how much my actions were driven by fear, are priceless lessons that I can't really think there would have been any other way to learn in applied manor vs just theory.

Most of all, it's made me appreciate my handful of close friends. And one day, it will make me appreciate the person I meet that is emotional healthy. I don't know who she is, where she is, or when we'll meet. But she will appreciated so much more, because of all of this.

I can't believe I even feel this way, but it's true. The thing is, I feel this way NOT because of her. But because of the pain she caused me and because of the loss of her. I will never accept her in my life. Even as a friend. She violated everything I stand for multiple times. In a way she robbed my innocence from me. The fairy tale of love. The eternal hope. But she replaced it with a wise, street smart person who feels confident that I'm on the path to feeling better rather than waiting for someone to lead me there.

[fromheeltoheal]

Being to the depths of hell and back, surviving, keeping my dignity intact, and learning how much my actions were driven by fear, are priceless lessons that I can't really think there would have been any other way to learn in applied manor vs just theory.

Yep, there's no better school than the school of pain sometimes, and I made it over some maturation hurdles I'd been banging up against for years after I left her; sometimes it's great to have no other choice, and in hindsight that was the gift of the relationship.  Hang in there man, you're doing great!

[anxiety5]

Being to the depths of hell and back, surviving, keeping my dignity intact, and learning how much my actions were driven by fear, are priceless lessons that I can't really think there would have been any other way to learn in applied manor vs just theory.

Yep, there's no better school than the school of pain sometimes, and I made it over some maturation hurdles I'd been banging up against for years after I left her; sometimes it's great to have no other choice, and in hindsight that was the gift of the relationship.  Hang in there man, you're doing great!

Thank you. Sincerely. All the reasons I stayed were based in fear. Fear that I could not do better. Fear of loss. Fear of the unknown. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of my own intuition screaming at me to leave.

What I've learned is that we are the strong ones, not them. It is harder to endure than to inflict pain.

The lack of self worth and self esteem is what led me into her vortex. She inspired me to be the best version of me I could be. When that failed, I knew that it wasn't me that was a failure, it was a situation that could never be won.

The arguments, the conflict, she tried to blame on me. What I realized is this conflict wasn't proof I wasn't good enough. It was proof I did know my self worth and the conflict was nothing more than a struggle for survival. To keep my morals, dignity and values in spite of her attempts to control me and silence me into submission. Instead in the times I was left alone for days on end, I realized my self worth and I defended it at all costs.

I lost a relationship but I gained the clarity of knowing who Iam and what's important to me. What I want, and who to avoid to get it. I would have never found any of these things or learned these lessons without this relationship.

We think we lost so much, but did we?

If I'm able to take these lessons and apply them the rest of my life and grow, while she goes on her way without a hint of introspective reflection or growth it's pretty obvious how that will turn out for each of us.

They lost because nothing that happened will cause them to change. We won because everything that happened means we will never be the same.

And that is why I know I will never take her back.

[billypilgrim]

No idea how she has handled NC as I was the one that initiated it.  She continued to contact me after she left.  Mostly for soothing.  Her father got a DUI, her mom was having issues with her 2nd husband, asking if I was going to sell the house and move.  Basically the same crap she would have looked to me for had we been together.  I told her to leave me alone and so far, she has.  I hit the 60 day mark about a week ago.  There's still some paperwork that needs to be done but hopefully my lawyer can handle most of it.

As for more general thoughts on the effects of NC on BPDs... .it all comes back to need.  If she thinks she needs you or wants to make sure that you are available should she need you in the future, she will reach out.  If she's found an adequate supply elsewhere or has vilified you into being the root of all of her problems, then you probably won't hear anything.  There's no timeframe on this.  Before I decided to marry my exBPDw, I dated a BPD for a good while in highschool (didn't know at the time, of course), one day she decided she didn't like me anymore and was with one of my "friends" a few days later.  They broke up shortly there after and ring ring, there she is reaching out.  I ignored her.  But my parents didn't ignore her when she contacted them as they had grown fond of her and felt bad for her.  She is now married and has a kid, yet she still e-mails my parents and asks about my life.   My parents haven't responded for over 5 years and we broke up 9 years ago.  But she still writes.

But that's not to say that my current BPD ex will reach out or keep tabs.  I really don't care as I know that I don't  have any desire to know about her life or form any sort of relationship with her.  I'd be lying if I said I was emotionally strong enough to feel nothing for her yet but I know that's where I want to go.  I think that's the key - decide for yourself what you want.  Focus less on whether or not she'll be back.  Or what it may or may not say about you if she does or does not contact you again.  It's not about you.  It's about her.  Always.

We've all been given a very great gift.  It sounds odd, given all of the pain that we've endured since our respective break ups but we now have a chance to look deep into ourselves.  We will love again.  We will heal.  We will allow ourselves to get involved in a healthy relationship.  We are out, what a gift that is.

[anxiety5]

No idea how she has handled NC as I was the one that initiated it.  She continued to contact me after she left.  Mostly for soothing.  Her father got a DUI, her mom was having issues with her 2nd husband, asking if I was going to sell the house and move.  Basically the same crap she would have looked to me for had we been together.  I told her to leave me alone and so far, she has.  I hit the 60 day mark about a week ago.  There's still some paperwork that needs to be done but hopefully my lawyer can handle most of it.

As for more general thoughts on the effects of NC on BPDs... .it all comes back to need.  If she thinks she needs you or wants to make sure that you are available should she need you in the future, she will reach out.  If she's found an adequate supply elsewhere or has vilified you into being the root of all of her problems, then you probably won't hear anything.  There's no timeframe on this.  Before I decided to marry my exBPDw, I dated a BPD for a good while in highschool (didn't know at the time, of course), one day she decided she didn't like me anymore and was with one of my "friends" a few days later.  They broke up shortly there after and ring ring, there she is reaching out.  I ignored her.  But my parents didn't ignore her when she contacted them as they had grown fond of her and felt bad for her.  She is now married and has a kid, yet she still e-mails my parents and asks about my life.   My parents haven't responded for over 5 years and we broke up 9 years ago.  But she still writes.

But that's not to say that my current BPD ex will reach out or keep tabs.  I really don't care as I know that I don't  have any desire to know about her life or form any sort of relationship with her.  I'd be lying if I said I was emotionally strong enough to feel nothing for her yet but I know that's where I want to go.  I think that's the key - decide for yourself what you want.  Focus less on whether or not she'll be back.  Or what it may or may not say about you if she does or does not contact you again.  It's not about you.  It's about her.  Always.

We've all been given a very great gift.  It sounds odd, given all of the pain that we've endured since our respective break ups but we now have a chance to look deep into ourselves.  We will love again.  We will heal.  We will allow ourselves to get involved in a healthy relationship.  We are out, what a gift that is.

I agree with what you say here. It is a gift.

The reason I was curious is so I can prepare for how to handle it. Much like I had no idea about BPD before I dated her, the pathology is so eerily similar in all their behaviors, it's almost text book. But there isn't a whole lot out there about after you go NC other than they will try and come back. The one way things haven't been text book is the fact she seems to have finally gone silent. So I'm trying to prepare myself for possible ways she may drop in and how I need to game plan for now allowing her so much as into my house. It's important to me to do it in a dignified way though. I don't want to give her any validation point by which to demonize me. Less because I care about hurting her, more because I care about preserving my integrity.

As far as what you said about not caring about her at all. What's been helpful for me is simply acceptance. It's not that I don't care about her or hate her or anything like that. It's the fact that I'm not burdened with the guilt of regret. I did everything I possibly could in this relationship to make it better. I was willing to talk, I wanted to talk. I was never allowed, or if so never heard. I compromised, she never did. I gave in, she never did. I gave, she took. I expressed my pain but nothing ever changed. I told her I was hurting but she never prioritized me in any way. I asked questions, her answers were never soothing. I simply realized I was in a relationship with someone who appeared to be something she wasn't. When I noticed this, I tried to make her aware, and to meet in the middle so we could have some semblance of balance and reciprocity. In the end, I realized that there was nothing I could do to make her want to work on things. She didn't want to grow. She wasn't interested in making things better. Finally after months of fixation, ruminating, obsessive thoughts, I began to just accept it.

So I don't think you necessarily have to feel indifferent towards her. It's ok to care about her, but simply accept that you want something that she can't provide and isn't even willing to try. You gave it your best, and endured things nobody else would have. You can walk away with no regret. There isn't anything you could have done that would have changed the outcome unless you lost yourself completely.

And even then, the outcome would be the same, you'd just have nothing to rebuild.

[hurting300]

I agree, they do seem to be very text book, during the relationship. But afterwards is where it gets very tricky. I've came to the conclusion your never really out of the woods when it comes to them contacting us.

[anxiety5]

I agree, they do seem to be very text book, during the relationship. But afterwards is where it gets very tricky. I've came to the conclusion your never really out of the woods when it comes to them contacting us.

Good stuff. I'm going to not forget that at any moment she may show up. Right now I'm parking in a different spot so if she drives by it doesn't even look like I'm home. There is also a good chance I'm going to be moving out of state in the near future. Kind of need a change, and would love to get back to my old state where a lot of life long friends reside. I think that would be it. That would be the final chapter where I could be certain, to never have to worry about her showing up or running into her at some point.

[hurting300]

I agree, they do seem to be very text book, during the relationship. But afterwards is where it gets very tricky. I've came to the conclusion your never really out of the woods when it comes to them contacting us.

Good stuff. I'm going to not forget that at any moment she may show up. Right now I'm parking in a different spot so if she drives by it doesn't even look like I'm home. There is also a good chance I'm going to be moving out of state in the near future. Kind of need a change, and would love to get back to my old state where a lot of life long friends reside. I think that would be it. That would be the final chapter where I could be certain, to never have to worry about her showing up or running into her at some point.

mine disappeared with our baby with not even one word. But yet she drives by my house. So yeah no one is free and clear i don't think. There has to be some kind of pattern post breakup if you read enough.

[JRT]

I agree, they do seem to be very text book, during the relationship. But afterwards is where it gets very tricky. I've came to the conclusion your never really out of the woods when it comes to them contacting us.

Good stuff. I'm going to not forget that at any moment she may show up. Right now I'm parking in a different spot so if she drives by it doesn't even look like I'm home. There is also a good chance I'm going to be moving out of state in the near future. Kind of need a change, and would love to get back to my old state where a lot of life long friends reside. I think that would be it. That would be the final chapter where I could be certain, to never have to worry about her showing up or running into her at some point.

mine disappeared with our baby with not even one word. But yet she drives by my house. So yeah no one is free and clear i don't think. There has to be some kind of pattern post breakup if you read enough.

I couldn't even imagine that! sorry to hear... .how long ago was that? Has she attempted contact at all?

[hurting300]

I agree, they do seem to be very text book, during the relationship. But afterwards is where it gets very tricky. I've came to the conclusion your never really out of the woods when it comes to them contacting us.

Good stuff. I'm going to not forget that at any moment she may show up. Right now I'm parking in a different spot so if she drives by it doesn't even look like I'm home. There is also a good chance I'm going to be moving out of state in the near future. Kind of need a change, and would love to get back to my old state where a lot of life long friends reside. I think that would be it. That would be the final chapter where I could be certain, to never have to worry about her showing up or running into her at some point.

mine disappeared with our baby with not even one word. But yet she drives by my house. So yeah no one is free and clear i don't think. There has to be some kind of pattern post breakup if you read enough.

I couldn't even imagine that! sorry to hear... .how long ago was that? Has she attempted contact at all?

April 2nd 2014. And no she has attempted contact by means of covert stalking. Meaning, driving by my house. That's indirect contact. But we have a court date very soon, and I'll get to see my baby. After the DNA test of course.

[JRT]

That just blows my mind! Why do you think that she has not contacted you? Have you attempted contact to her?

[paperlung]

I went NC on her a couple of times during the relationship. Both times she ended up blowing up my phone with messages or calling me just days later apologizing.

After the relationship, I changed my phone number and e-mail address so she couldn't get a hold of me. 4 months later I receive a FB message from her (we weren't friends, but I guess I forgot to turn off the "Send Message" button). It was a long apology message which also looked like recycle attempt. I didn't reply.

Many months later she tried adding me as a friend on FB but I declined.

[JRT]

Interesting... .almost textbook... .I am trying to anticipate what is coming next my way. Its been 4 months.

[billypilgrim]

Interesting... .almost textbook... .I am trying to anticipate what is coming next my way. Its been 4 months.

I get wanting to be ready for whatever may be coming your way.  But I really don't think it's worth the effort.  I would also not recommend focusing on the time frame.  There's not an internal clock that says at x o'clock on the x day of NC, the pwBPD will reach out.  If they do reach out, it'll be when they need something: validation, emotional soothing, to make sure you are still an available attachment, curiosity, who knows?  But it won't be a genuine, how ya doing?  And if it's a recycle attempt, you have a choice as to whether or not you want to participate.   

If your goal is to move on, then responding to their attempts to reach back out, should they occur, isn't going to be the right course of action.  Treat her like a telemarketer.  You don't want what's she's selling.  You didn't win a sweepstakes that you didn't enter.  If she does call or reach out, she'll likely reach out at the most inconvenient time for you.    Focus on yourself and move on with your life. 

[anxiety5]

Interesting... .almost textbook... .I am trying to anticipate what is coming next my way. Its been 4 months.

I get wanting to be ready for whatever may be coming your way.  But I really don't think it's worth the effort.  I would also not recommend focusing on the time frame.  There's not an internal clock that says at x o'clock on the x day of NC, the pwBPD will reach out.  If they do reach out, it'll be when they need something: validation, emotional soothing, to make sure you are still an available attachment, curiosity, who knows?  But it won't be a genuine, how ya doing?  And if it's a recycle attempt, you have a choice as to whether or not you want to participate.   

If your goal is to move on, then responding to their attempts to reach back out, should they occur, isn't going to be the right course of action.  Treat her like a telemarketer.  You don't want what's she's selling.  You didn't win a sweepstakes that you didn't enter.  If she does call or reach out, she'll likely reach out at the most inconvenient time for you.    Focus on yourself and move on with your life. 

I agree. What concerned me was her actions right now, and your experiences of how they reacted to us gong No Contact. I let her walk on me. I was always assertive and realized I was hyper fixated on the why's? Always trying to understand her more, and to figure out if I was even capable of meeting her what I now realize were incredibly contradicting, hypocritical and unreasonable expectations. It only took her recent actions and a few visits to a counselor to sort out my thoughts and completely realize I was miserable, hyper fixated by design (totally focused on her) and nothing was going to change until I stopped "playing" the game. For a long time I was the weak one who held on too long. She exploited that. Pushed me away because she knew it would hurt me. What's funny is the moment I told her I was done, and she sensed I really meant it, she was the one showing up here begging and pleading. (text book)

My point in mentioning these things is I'm fairly certain she is beside herself right now. She is probably completely shocked that I seemingly out of nowhere not only laid a boundary, enforced it and I'm gone. Fact is I was preparing for this long in advance, using her cold shoulders for days on end, to educate myself and detach. I know she is seeing a side to me she must have convinced herself she never would see given how far she pushed the envelope.

And I'm wondering how pulling a 180 on someone like this and actually meaning it affects them. I could care less if she's on to the next guy, or if she's hurting bad (bc her actions were destructive and led her to where she's at) I'm just wondering what behaviors this type of break where you basically become someone they probably didn't think you were strong enough to become affects their behavior and what that may mean for me in the short term.

[billypilgrim]

Forgot to add this... .

If low and behold she doesn't reach out to you and you never hear from her again, so what?  It doesn't say anything about you.  It isn't personal.  She's doing you a favor by not reaching out.  One less thing you have to deal with.  One less reminder of your unhealthy attachment.  And more space for you to move on and heal. 

[JRT]

it helps to know my relationship a bit... .it was not entirely unhealthy... .we had a good relationship... .but she got too close and freaked out... .the b/u: THAT was messy and hurtful... .it would take a LOT to overcame the NEW problems with what she did... .

Speaking to her would give me the closure that I need to move on... .understanding why she did what she did through these threads, has helped me immensely.

[billypilgrim]

Speaking to her would give me the closure that I need to move on... .understanding why she did what she did through these threads, has helped me immensely.

If she's BPD, you won't get closure.  Hardly any of us have.  I bet if you asked for a show of hands as to who on these boards received closure, you wouldn't be able to bat a beach ball around.  And the few of us with our hands up probably received nothing but blame from our ex's as far as closure is concerned.  Which isn't really closure when you think about it.  Breaking up with a BPD person isn't a normal break up.  You don't get an adult sit down conversation.  There isn't that mutual respect between parties.  You get someone who hurts you and runs.  She did what she did because she is suffers from BPD.  She acted impulsively and without forethought.  Her needs drove her to do what she did.  The closest thing to closure you are likely to get is right here on these boards.  And that's not easy.  And the pain is very real.  But closure and rationality seem to be the antithesis of all things BPD.      

And of course your r/s wasn't entirely unhealthy, you wouldn't have lasted if it was.  We all shared good times with our ex's.  But as someone (sorry I can't remember for credit purposes) on these boards very accurately said, they are more their true selves at the end of the r/s than at the beginning.  

[JRT]

I have to say; my relationship was not just good sometimes, it was good almost all of the time... .I would take it any day (with some read flags that I have since come to recognize) over any relationship I have ever had... .and there are 48 years worth here... .

Closure may be an explanation from her that is rational and coherent for some. I would take that but it is VERY likely to never come. Closer for me, however, might necessarily be me allowing me to tell her how she hurt me and my daughter... .or ripping her a new A**hole... .or maybe just saying goodbye... .I think closure id different from person to person. 

[Spartacus]

Hi anxiety5,

In terms of what to expect, I left my uBPDw last summer after an escalation in crazy-making behavior. Her first reaction was to text and ask for the parking permit in the car to be returned. Next was a strangely insincere over the top phone message declaring her undying love for me. At this point I had asked for some time apart to think and calm down after a major gas lighting incident. She emailed me a list of rules of separation to agree to which included a clause of not sleeping with anyone else (why would I do that, I just wanted a few days of calm to reflect). I texted her to say that I wanted this time apart and would be in touch soon. A couple of phone messages then silence. I had decided that this relationship was seriously unhealthy and weird. I wrote her a letter explaining why I could not continue with her. Silence for 6 weeks. Then requests to meet and regular phone messages despite me setting a boundary of only written communication. Then she started turning up at my work. First few times she missed me somehow. Then she waited in the car park and we had a long conversation, calm, but it was so strange having realized that I didn't really know her. She played the victim but willing to let me have another chance. I made it clear it was over. This then provoked a series of daily emails 40 in total to my work account I think to guilt me into a reaction. And then a really long rambling email about lost love. A visitation to my workplace from her father, she tried to break in to my home with a ladder with her parents colluding. Then she emailed my family and friends to say I was unwell, that I wouldn't be quite myself in what I was saying, possibly suicidal. Splitting me black through her suffocating 'care' for me. Nothing for 2 months now and the peace is wonderful but I expect contact anytime. Crazy times but NC is healing and I have learnt a lot about myself, my naivety, my codependence.  A harsh but important lesson. Be strong and trust your instincts.

[hurting300]

That just blows my mind! Why do you think that she has not contacted you? Have you attempted contact to her?

because she is The victim of an abusive boyfriend... that's what she tells everyone.

[antonio1213]

When I went NC it didn't seem to affect her all that much. She barely messaged me and when she did her messages were super selfish and revolved all around her. She reached out only a couple of times and still wanted me to be in her life (for selfish reasons). Thats how she reacted. Haven't heard from her since the beginning of dec. She has her replacement so she is good to go for awhile.

[AliveButBeatup]

My 34 month journey. Dating. Separation. Living together. Separation. Liviving together.  Marriage. Separation Repeat Repeat Divorce to be finalized in a week or so.

Regarding time frames of NC. I cannot tell you a set number of days. Sometimes a couple. Sometimes a few weeks. The last NC period started Nov. 17. It lasted until Jan. 24. 3 messages. One about her receiving divorce paperwork and she is Free (trust me wife, I am much freer than you are). And two e-mails with her being in the arms of two different guys. Poor saps. I wish I could reach out to them and provide my database of helpful phone numbers and web sites. Guys, you know the numbers. Domestic abuse center. Criminal defense attorney. Restraining order templates. Oh and as an extra bonus her normal vitriol. Her Mom thinks I am a worm. I am the scum of the earth.

I am keeping the eye on the prize --- my final dissolution of marriage. The good news!  During one of her pull cycles she didn't fill out her divorce paperwork because she couldn't be with another guy and we will be married forever.  Because she didn't fill out the paperwork, it is a default divorce and she doesn't have an invite to the party. With any luck, I will never see her again.  My closure --- the final paperwork saying I am a divorced man.  I've arrempted the mature sit down closure session. Multiple times. It isn't happening.

Getting back to the length of time question about contact after a NC period. The telemarketer example is a good one.  It will happen at some opportune time.  She came over to my house a couple of times. Once when I was with another woman and the second time the day after I got dumped by a woman. More than likely you will see another contact. No way to tell when.

Keep your chip up. Learn. And don't repeat the mistakes.

ABB

[anxiety5]

My 34 month journey. Dating. Separation. Living together. Separation. Liviving together.  Marriage. Separation Repeat Repeat Divorce to be finalized in a week or so.

Regarding time frames of NC. I cannot tell you a set number of days. Sometimes a couple. Sometimes a few weeks. The last NC period started Nov. 17. It lasted until Jan. 24. 3 messages. One about her receiving divorce paperwork and she is Free (trust me wife, I am much freer than you are). And two e-mails with her being in the arms of two different guys. Poor saps. I wish I could reach out to them and provide my database of helpful phone numbers and web sites. Guys, you know the numbers. Domestic abuse center. Criminal defense attorney. Restraining order templates. Oh and as an extra bonus her normal vitriol. Her Mom thinks I am a worm. I am the scum of the earth.

I am keeping the eye on the prize --- my final dissolution of marriage. The good news!  During one of her pull cycles she didn't fill out her divorce paperwork because she couldn't be with another guy and we will be married forever.  Because she didn't fill out the paperwork, it is a default divorce and she doesn't have an invite to the party. With any luck, I will never see her again.  My closure --- the final paperwork saying I am a divorced man.  I've arrempted the mature sit down closure session. Multiple times. It isn't happening.

Getting back to the length of time question about contact after a NC period. The telemarketer example is a good one.  It will happen at some opportune time.  She came over to my house a couple of times. Once when I was with another woman and the second time the day after I got dumped by a woman. More than likely you will see another contact. No way to tell when.

Keep your chip up. Learn. And don't repeat the mistakes.

ABB

She absolutely can't be alone. She has 50/50 custody. The days she has him, he's dependent on her (which I'm sure she will extend as long as possible through spoiling and thus create another generation of narcissist) so the days she has him, she's fine with life. It's the days she's alone when she NEEDS to have someone. I'm sure you are right though! But each day it's getting better. Congrats on your new start in life. I always found the over the top messages about "I'm with someone else!" so funny. If you were happy, you would just be happy. You wouldn't try so hard to prove you're happy. They are so socially awkward. It really is like dealing with a perpetual child.

[Deeno02]

No impact at all. She already had a new BF.