Finally realized the r/s wasn't as special as it seemed

[Depression = 72% of members]

I recently posted about hearing about my replacement. Going through our relationship was a whirlwind of what seemed like the absolute strongest love ever imaginable and the strongest hate (All mainly from her side). Circumstances kept us from dating normally, in the beginning,  and we had to fight to see each other for the first year or so until we could date normally.

All I heard for the next year or so was how special I was to her. Almost every day it was  her saying she couldn't live without me, needing me in her life, her "loving" me so much and crying because she did. how she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me…blah blah blah. Her family loved me and praised me on how well I could handle her and get her to settle down. She would repeat how perfect I was for her almost everyday.

So much emotion in that 2.5 year relationship. Than she suddenly split me, ran from me as fast as she could and had a new bf in less than 2 months. Well 4 months NC and post b/u and I am finally seeing that our relationship wasn't as special as it seemed to be. Especially for her to jump into another guys arm that quickly.

I sometimes find myself wanting her to one day find what she lost from me and feel terrible about it. And look back on our relationship and see how I was there for her during everything an maybe feel like she lost something. But I can see now the r/s was not all that special, and I don't mean anything to her anymore. Me going NC hasn't hurt her at all, she just lost one of her many supplies.

[antonio1213]

I recently posted about hearing about my replacement. Going through our relationship was a whirlwind of what seemed like the absolute strongest love ever imaginable and the strongest hate (All mainly from her side). Circumstances kept us from dating normally, in the beginning,  and we had to fight to see each other for the first year or so until we could date normally.

All I heard for the next year or so was how special I was to her. Almost every day it was  her saying she couldn't live without me, needing me in her life, her "loving" me so much and crying because she did. how she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me…blah blah blah. Her family loved me and praised me on how well I could handle her and get her to settle down. She would repeat how perfect I was for her almost everyday.

So much emotion in that 2.5 year relationship. Than she suddenly split me, ran from me as fast as she could and had a new bf in less than 2 months. Well 4 months NC and post b/u and I am finally seeing that our relationship wasn't as special as it seemed to be. Especially for her to jump into another guys arm that quickly.

I sometimes find myself wanting her to one day find what she lost from me and feel terrible about it. And look back on our relationship and see how I was there for her during everything an maybe feel like she lost something. But I can see now the r/s was not all that special, and I don't mean anything to her anymore. Me going NC hasn't hurt her at all, she just lost one of her many supplies.

[fromheeltoheal]

Almost every day it was  her saying she couldn't live without me, needing me in her life,

That's pretty much true; a borderline is all about need and will cease to exist entirely in their head without an attachment.

Than she suddenly split me, ran from me as fast as she could and had a new bf in less than 2 months. Well 4 months NC and post b/u and I am finally seeing that our relationship wasn't as special as it seemed to be. Especially for her to jump into another guys arm that quickly.

You were the perfect attachment to begin with, the knight in shining armor, the person who would never leave and make all her pain go away, until you weren't.  A fantasy and black and white thinking, and if she didn't have an attachment for that 2 months between you and the other guy, those 2 months were extremely difficult for her.

I sometimes find myself wanting her to one day find what she lost from me and feel terrible about it. And look back on our relationship and see how I was there for her during everything an maybe feel like she lost something. But I can see now the r/s was not all that special, and I don't mean anything to her anymore. Me going NC hasn't hurt her at all, she just lost one of her many supplies.

Oh, she probably felt terrible about it, completely ashamed, blamed herself for the relationship's demise, that ever-present persecution complex showing up again, emotions far too strong for her to deal with, so she got really busy with the tools, the defense mechanisms, including making you a scumbag, changing facts to fit feelings, finding a new attachment as a distraction and a new knight in shining armor, only to repeat the cycle, not realizing there is a cycle.

So now that we understand the disorder a little and shift the focus to ourselves, what does it all mean?  How do we dig down to process the relationship and discover how and why we got as removed from reality as we did, if that's true for us, and how we use that moving forward.  If you're like me, you got blindsided by mental illness, I'd never been that close to it before, but now that we've had that wake-up call and broke free of it, one way or the other, how do we use it moving forward?

[raisins3142]

Mine was really shocked when I told her I'd only been in love twice in my life.  Like overly shocked.  And I think it made her feel bad for being in love/dating a metric ton of people, relatively.

[charred]

Hard lesson to learn.

I think it started to dawn on me when we were talking about things we had done together a long time ago... she didn't remember entire trips that had been very special to me. She had dumped me and we got back together many years later. She discussed some of the relationships she had in the interim... and it was staggering... 7 engagements, 3 marriages, didn't know how many BF's... and I realized it was like talking to an actress about the show they did on the road... we remember seeing them in our town, but after a while all the performances they do seem to blur. Were we special... sure, just like those Hollywood kisses you see between actors all the time... .they are all special.

I have a hard time avoiding feeling like a chump for buying in to the r/s so strongly... .as it turns out that made one of us that did.

[raisins3142]

Hard lesson to learn.

I think it started to dawn on me when we were talking about things we had done together a long time ago... she didn't remember entire trips that had been very special to me. She had dumped me and we got back together many years later. She discussed some of the relationships she had in the interim... and it was staggering... 7 engagements, 3 marriages, didn't know how many BF's... and I realized it was like talking to an actress about the show they did on the road... we remember seeing them in our town, but after a while all the performances they do seem to blur. Were we special... sure, just like those Hollywood kisses you see between actors all the time... .they are all special.

I have a hard time avoiding feeling like a chump for buying in to the r/s so strongly... .as it turns out that made one of us that did.

I feel you.

For me, once I got enough info, I was either dating a crazy, false, promiscuous person and therefore had to leave... .or I was probably off and things weren't that bad... .so I chose the later to preserve the "good".

A good lesson to remember is how we were so able to fool ourselves.

[PaintedBlack28]

"and if she didn't have an attachment for that 2 months between you and the other guy, those 2 months were extremely difficult for her."


Fromheeltoheal,

Could you please develop this a bit? How can this be sure? Does it happen in every b/u where a split to black takes place?

Thanks

[PaintedBlack28]

Yes it was, in it's own right. But the disorder did it's thing, happened to all of us here. But I think it was special in it's own way. Unfortunately we all share the same outcome pain and grief. That's our tragedy (and their's) and something extremely difficult for us to deal with. I fight every second, and I am slowly detaching, but everyday is a battle. I accepted the outcome. But doesn't make it easier.

Be strong my friend.   

[jhkbuzz]

Mine was really shocked when I told her I'd only been in love twice in my life.  Like overly shocked.  And I think it made her feel bad for being in love/dating a metric ton of people, relatively.

Made me laugh out loud - literally!

[Deeno02]

Antonio 1213,

One week dude. One flipping week from being dumped to her being with her old college buddy. Talk about not mattering one bit.

[fromheeltoheal]

"and if she didn't have an attachment for that 2 months between you and the other guy, those 2 months were extremely difficult for her."

Fromheeltoheal,

Could you please develop this a bit? How can this be sure? Does it happen in every b/u where a split to black takes place?

Thanks

I'm just talking standard borderline, we each get to decide how much of it applies to our exes, everyone's different.  But the core of the disorder is an attachment to a primary caregiver that a borderline never successfully detached from as an infant, never weathered the abandonment depression that would have followed, a necessary step in developing a 'self' and becoming an autonomous human.  Since they never did that, a borderline looks to replicate that attachment with other people, ourselves included, subconsciously mind you, to fuse with them and create one person out of two, and ends up constantly fearing abandonment, a replaying of the feelings around that earliest attachment.  And most importantly, since a borderline does not have a fully formed self of their own, they don't feel like they exist unless they are attached to someone psychically; tough to get your head around at first.  And of course one way to deal with a constant fear of abandonment it to form multiple attachments, that way if one leaves, and a borderline is convinced they all will eventually, then it lessens the blow if there are other attachments in place.

Anyway, apply as needed to your situation.  My ex had 6 kids, a few of whom assumed the parental role as they aged and the dynamic formed among them, since once they got into their late teens they were more mature than she was, it seemed, and her kids were some of her attachments.  Each July the kids would go stay with their fathers, there were several, and my ex would be left alone which she didn't handle well at all; July was filled with rampant promiscuity and substance abuse, impulsive behaviors motivated by emotions she couldn't regulate, to make her feel better in the moment.  So bottom line borderlines in general don't do well alone, so if there's a void of attachment for a period of time, the behaviors may escalate to deal with it.

Maybe useful?  In the end it's not about them, it's about what we do with it, but the clinical side of the disorder helps me understand why she does what she does, and the way I'm wired understanding is mandatory.  Take care of you!

[NYMike]

They are very ILL people.Many of us have to be very careful in the future.

Mine recycled her ex boyfriend in a matter of 4 days.This killed me and sent me over the f------ edge.

Mind you.This was the guy I heard about in the beginning.She painted him BLACK and made many false accussations about him... If he is so bad then why visit him.?

Do you see how BPD works.?

[christin5433]

I truely get it I wonder the same thing here we all counting days of NC and does it even matter to them? I mean like you said 2.5 years emotionally strong in r/s and then gone and you as a normal person is feeling of course they will see how they owe a apology a kind gesture of forgiveness... .NOPE from what I'm getting its just "see ya later and its all your fault"

Im glad we all get to repair from such damage of a very mean streak mental illness.

I guess why Im posting I just had the same question on my way to work today Im in this NC thing for past 16 days.

It seems like a reaccurring question because I know I would feel soo guilty.

I mean for me I was left high and dry during the holidays with no regard for anything, blame ,smear campaign , and decided to fight about everything under the sun or should I say chilly weather. While I said very little.

BAM family gone ... .MERRY CHRISTMAS 4 years gone in a fury.

Do they recognize thier hurt and wrong... .I dont think they register REMORSE?

[charred]

I truely get it I wonder the same thing here we all counting days of NC and does it even matter to them? I mean like you said 2.5 years emotionally strong in r/s and then gone and you as a normal person is feeling of course they will see how they owe a apology a kind gesture of forgiveness... .NOPE from what I'm getting its just "see ya later and its all your fault"

Im glad we all get to repair from such damage of a very mean streak mental illness.

I guess why Im posting I just had the same question on my way to work today Im in this NC thing for past 16 days.

It seems like a reaccurring question because I know I would feel soo guilty.

I mean for me I was left high and dry during the holidays with no regard for anything, blame ,smear campaign , and decided to fight about everything under the sun or should I say chilly weather. While I said very little.

BAM family gone ... .MERRY CHRISTMAS 4 years gone in a fury.

Do they recognize thier hurt and wrong... .I dont think they register REMORSE?

BPD is a developmental disorder, they stop at a pretty early phase, just before the development of a conscience (in a fully integrated sense)... they can know right and wrong, but it is compartmentalized, and they certainly can feel a lot of shame, but they typically are driven by emotions... like a 2-3 yr old that loves you with all their might when you are playing games with them, but screams and throws a tantrum and hates you when you say no about anything. We don't see the pwBPD like an emotionally stunted person, the idealization, mirroring and love bombing... leads us to conclude they are wonderful and belong on a pedestal as our soul mate dream catch... .but we seem to be wrong on that one.

[jhkbuzz]

I truely get it I wonder the same thing here we all counting days of NC and does it even matter to them? I mean like you said 2.5 years emotionally strong in r/s and then gone and you as a normal person is feeling of course they will see how they owe a apology a kind gesture of forgiveness... .NOPE from what I'm getting its just "see ya later and its all your fault"

Im glad we all get to repair from such damage of a very mean streak mental illness.

I guess why Im posting I just had the same question on my way to work today Im in this NC thing for past 16 days.

It seems like a reaccurring question because I know I would feel soo guilty.

I mean for me I was left high and dry during the holidays with no regard for anything, blame ,smear campaign , and decided to fight about everything under the sun or should I say chilly weather. While I said very little.

BAM family gone ... .MERRY CHRISTMAS 4 years gone in a fury.

Do they recognize thier hurt and wrong... .I dont think they register REMORSE?

BPD is a developmental disorder, they stop at a pretty early phase, just before the development of a conscience (in a fully integrated sense)... they can know right and wrong, but it is compartmentalized, and they certainly can feel a lot of shame, but they typically are driven by emotions... like a 2-3 yr old that loves you with all their might when you are playing games with them, but screams and throws a tantrum and hates you when you say no about anything. We don't see the pwBPD like an emotionally stunted person, the idealization, mirroring and love bombing... leads us to conclude they are wonderful and belong on a pedestal as our soul mate dream catch... .but we seem to be wrong on that one.

It just occurred to me that maybe the "idealized love" they have for us in the beginning is the exact same 'idealized love" that children have for their parents. hmmmmm... .

[myself]

Do they recognize thier hurt and wrong... .I dont think they register REMORSE?

It gets hidden/denied/abandoned, just like the 'special' stuff does.

[charred]

I truely get it I wonder the same thing here we all counting days of NC and does it even matter to them? I mean like you said 2.5 years emotionally strong in r/s and then gone and you as a normal person is feeling of course they will see how they owe a apology a kind gesture of forgiveness... .NOPE from what I'm getting its just "see ya later and its all your fault"

Im glad we all get to repair from such damage of a very mean streak mental illness.

I guess why Im posting I just had the same question on my way to work today Im in this NC thing for past 16 days.

It seems like a reaccurring question because I know I would feel soo guilty.

I mean for me I was left high and dry during the holidays with no regard for anything, blame ,smear campaign , and decided to fight about everything under the sun or should I say chilly weather. While I said very little.

BAM family gone ... .MERRY CHRISTMAS 4 years gone in a fury.

Do they recognize thier hurt and wrong... .I dont think they register REMORSE?

BPD is a developmental disorder, they stop at a pretty early phase, just before the development of a conscience (in a fully integrated sense)... they can know right and wrong, but it is compartmentalized, and they certainly can feel a lot of shame, but they typically are driven by emotions... like a 2-3 yr old that loves you with all their might when you are playing games with them, but screams and throws a tantrum and hates you when you say no about anything. We don't see the pwBPD like an emotionally stunted person, the idealization, mirroring and love bombing... leads us to conclude they are wonderful and belong on a pedestal as our soul mate dream catch... .but we seem to be wrong on that one.

It just occurred to me that maybe the "idealized love" they have for us in the beginning is the exact same 'idealized love" that children have for their parents. hmmmmm... .

It is the same... but not them for us... other way around... thats why it feels like a parent died instead of a simple breakup. Other subjects cover it.