Why wasn't I good enough?

[Deeno02]

Why wasn't I good enough to post pictures of on your Instagram?

Why wasn't I good enough for you to go public with on Instagram. It was always private when we were together

Why wasn't I good enough to have a FB status change to "In a relationship" after 16 months together.

Why wasn't I good enough to change your profile picture to one of us?

Why wasn't I good enough to be around your friends but a handful of times?

Why wasn't I good enough to have pictures taken with?

Why wasn't i good enough to be in your life?

Why were you to good to be in mine?

Why were you so embarrassed of me?

Why didn't you love me for me?

I'll never get an answer, I know this, but I loved you with all I had to offer and what I knew love to be, and like me, it wasn't good enough.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Deeno, As you already know, it's "never enough" in a BPD r/s.  I spent years in a hellish marriage to my BPDxW, thinking I could make the r/s work despite BPD.  Well, turns out I couldn't do it.  Don't beat yourself up thinking why you didn't "measure up" -- You never will "measure up" in her world (in my view).

LuckyJim

[Targeted]

I think the factors that you were too good, if she went public in a relationship with you everybody would get to know you, everybody would be happy for her that she found a great guy, if all of her friends really got to know you they would wish they had someone like you, this is her game, her way of survival, she has done this one before you, she knows that if you are exposed for the great person that you are and it ends which it always will because her love has a expiration date,  it will only make her look like the stupid one!  And the things I have been finding out about my ex?  Not all of those people in her life have the opinion of you that you may think, they just agree with her and our avoidant to keep their interaction with her brief so that she will leave them all alone!

[Deeno02]

I think the factors that you were too good, if she went public in a relationship with you everybody would get to know you, everybody would be happy for her that she found a great guy, if all of her friends really got to know you they would wish they had someone like you, this is her game, her way of survival, she has done this one before you, she knows that if you are exposed for the great person that you are and it ends which it always will because her love has a expiration date,  it will only make her look like the stupid one!  And the things I have been finding out about my ex?  Not all of those people in her life have the opinion of you that you may think, they just agree with her and our avoidant to keep their interaction with her brief so that she will leave them all alone!

So now why go public with this dude, her old college buddy? Why him? Still trying to understand it.

[myself]

One way with you, another with him, and likely other ways with others. If she doesn't feel 'good enough' about herself (which this probably is, more than personally about you) it leads to different masks at different times.

[Maternus]

So now why go public with this dude, her old college buddy? Why him? Still trying to understand it.

There could be many reasons, why she goes public now. Maybe she is mirroring him and he is the one who wants to go public or needs it, that she does it for him. Maybe she needs to go public, to reassure herself that she made the right choice. Whatever the reason is - it has nothing to do with who you are.

[Caredverymuch]

Why wasn't I good enough to post pictures of on your Instagram?

Why wasn't I good enough for you to go public with on Instagram. It was always private when we were together

Why wasn't I good enough to have a FB status change to "In a relationship" after 16 months together.

Why wasn't I good enough to change your profile picture to one of us?

Why wasn't I good enough to be around your friends but a handful of times?

Why wasn't I good enough to have pictures taken with?

Why wasn't i good enough to be in your life?

Why were you to good to be in mine?

Why were you so embarrassed of me?

Why didn't you love me for me?

I'll never get an answer, I know this, but I loved you with all I had to offer and what I knew love to be, and like me, it wasn't good enough.

Deeno,

Why? Bc it would mean you were in a healthy r/s.  It would mean there was MUTUAL give and take.  It would mean there was MUTUAL recognition of ONE ANOTHERS NEEDS.

Your ex wasn't embarrassed of you. Your ex was not too GOOD to be yours.  Your ex didn't do those things out of superiority. Or meanness.  She did not do those things your heart yearned for bc she has a mental illness and doing MANY of those things would indicate emotional maturity. AND perhaps even risk the focus shifting off of only her NEEDS.  She replaced you not bc you are not good enough.  Bc she is mentally ill and suppresses and thus disassociates any reminder of the difficult feelings mature adults process. This disorder is based in poor attachment growth.  Shame. Trauma.  Difficult r/s issues.  You know this.  Remind yourself often.

Its horrific and unfair. But it us what it is.

You loved.  When we know love in a mature way, we know hurt. We know value in others and we miss those partners we loved in the most genuine way.  Those partners who grew in what seemed like the very same.  Then.  Just walked away. 

You see my friend, you have a heart that is pure. That loves. Not out of need. Rather, from a place of called love. And, that is hard and horrible and cruel and 100% not fair w a pBPD r/s.

You are good enough.  You always were.

Reach back into your being and yourself.  When we identify  the common denominator.  The source of why we feel we needed to accept this struggle as our source of value.  Right there, you will grow. 

Grow Deeno.  You're a wonderful, kind, loving man.  Don't  settle for anyone less.

[Deeno02]

So now why go public with this dude, her old college buddy? Why him? Still trying to understand it.

There could be many reasons, why she goes public now. Maybe she is mirroring him and he is the one who wants to go public or needs it, that she does it for him. Maybe she needs to go public, to reassure herself that she made the right choice. Whatever the reason is - it has nothing to do with who you are.

Just feel she was embarrassed of me.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Like others have said, It is never enough in the end.  As far as differences between your r/s and the r/s with replacements keep in mind how much they mirror.  These new facets could be things they perceive as a way to hook their new source.  

You are good enough for a healthy woman.  I know it takes time but let go of all that traumatic bonding as you can.  There are women out there who amount to more than an elaborate heroin addiction.

[Targeted]

Just to piss you off!  I will tell you a quick story and I wish I could send you a picture of my ex so you could see how gorgeous she was for her age, she was part of a equestrian Club, every Sunday they would ride and had a designated photographer, when I got to know these people they were somewhat avoidant, she told me everybody there loves her, The Catch-22 is even though there are a few men in the club it is predominantly women, The photographer would take over 100 pictures every time they rode and I remember her searching to the pictures on Wednesdays looking for herself when they were posted, there were maybe only one or two and they were off in the distance and you could pick her out more by her horse then the fact it was her, I think that speaks volumes! The only one time I was invited by her to go to one of these events she told me they had " tea time ". After the ride Here and everybody brings something, so I need two crock pots of different dishes and in another hordeserve which was very complementary, while she rode I stayed back of the trailer and took care of the food and everything for her and the horse, The people in the club that were not riding all came up to talk to me and said how amazing it appears she has a man this attentive to her passion, when she got back from her ride all she had to do was get off of her hours and interact with her friends, I took the horse from her and walked it out and brushed it and did everything she supposed to do with everybody watching, all these people stood in amazement because these women's husbands do not even do that, once she found out how well respected I was received by her little community she forbids me to ever go back again!   Then she turned around and said all of her friends noticed how much I used her! How much I paraded around like a trophy! True story!

[Deeno02]

Just to piss you off!  I will tell you a quick story and I wish I could send you a picture of my ex so you could see how gorgeous she was for her age, she was part of a equestrian Club, every Sunday they would ride and had a designated photographer, when I got to know these people they were somewhat avoidant, she told me everybody there loves her, The Catch-22 is even though there are a few men in the club it is predominantly women, The photographer would take over 100 pictures every time they rode and I remember her searching to the pictures on Wednesdays looking for herself when they were posted, there were maybe only one or two and they were off in the distance and you could pick her out more by her horse then the fact it was her, I think that speaks volumes! The only one time I was invited by her to go to one of these events she told me they had " tea time ". After the ride Here and everybody brings something, so I need two crock pots of different dishes and in another hordeserve which was very complementary, while she rode I stayed back of the trailer and took care of the food and everything for her and the horse, The people in the club that were not riding all came up to talk to me and said how amazing it appears she has a man this attentive to her passion, when she got back from her ride all she had to do was get off of her hours and interact with her friends, I took the horse from her and walked it out and brushed it and did everything she supposed to do with everybody watching, all these people stood in amazement because these women's husbands do not even do that, once she found out how well respected I was received by her little community she forbids me to ever go back again!   Then she turned around and said all of her friends noticed how much I used her! How much I paraded around like a trophy! True story!

Whoa! That's rough!. I was over idealized. All her friends, those I met, all said "you better treat her well!"... .sheesh... what about me?

[Mutt]

I loved you with all I had to offer and what I knew love to be, and like me, it wasn't good enough. 

She goes through life not really knowing who she is, lacks a stable sense of self, chronic feelings of emptiness, low self worth and views the world as dangerous and malign.

He's not going to be able to fulfill something you couldn't.

A relationship isn't the fix.

[Infared]

When we recover and get healthier... .we will see that we were "too" good, for them. We were understanding, trusting, honest, faithful people... who were accepting and thoughtful.   They pick us. It's no accident. They play victim (expertly), deceive, manipulate and abuse. They have an "act" for every person in their lives. They cannot help it, they are ill.  We need to own who we are and learn to give us out more carefully. We need to vet a perspective partner out carefully before we "show up" for them. Some people are not worthy or our character, and it is our responsibility to set healthy boundaries to protect ourselves. It is our responsibility to get out if a situation is not good for us, in a self-preserving way... .not self-centered.  

If we are still listening to what the BPD is saying or said... .we need to heal and grow.

[raisins3142]

Deeno, she might be doing this specifically to get at you.  :)id you bring up her digital "hiding" of you?  If so, then she knows if you are watching that it is salt in the wound.

Mine changed her facebook status to "in a relationship" but declined to list my name alongside it.  Also, she had some pics of me but never tagged my name or wrote anything and put them right in her album and did not post them to her timeline so others could see them without digging.  Also, she never mentioned me on her "wall" or whatever it is called, except once when I sent her a dozen roses and so she probably felt obligated, maybe.

She told me "everyone that needs to know who you are already knows".

If I get out my BPD to Non translator I think this might mean:

"I get in and out of so many relationships that I don't want to put names up there because it will be a constant carousel of various men lasting less than a year each."

Or maybe

"I don't want people that know more about my past to be able to easily find you and private message you things that I have done that I don't want you to know about."

Or maybe it was just some devaluation thing or trying not to be engulfed.

Her facebook life was very "rich" and that was her primary social outlet, being a hermit/waif, so it is no wonder that it was a big deal to her how to handle it with her "strategery" (sic).

Maybe some of that makes sense for your case as well.

[Perdita]

He doesn't instagram.  As for the rest . . .

Why wasn't I good enough to have a FB status change to "In a relationship" after 16 months together.

I confronted mine about this 6 months into our r/s.  He said he didn't realize it was so important to me. He promptly got on his laptop and changed his status to "In a Relationship"   . . .  immediately setting it to "only me"  

Why wasn't I good enough to change your profile picture to one of us?

Same here.

Why wasn't I good enough to be around your friends but a handful of times?

Same.  In the beginning he introduced me to most of them. As time went by he severely limited contact with his friends.

Why wasn't I good enough to have pictures taken with?

Bothers me too.  I only have 2 pictures of us together!  I was surprised when he posed for a pic with me at one of his family events.  Probably felt safe that only family would ever see it.  Around October we were at a social event and a guy from the paper was there taking photos.  He posed for a photo with me.  When I joked to him that we might be in the paper in the morning, he turned pale and was visibly shaken!  He thought it was just some random guy taking photos.

Why wasn't i good enough to be in your life?

Same.  I earned it, but never got it.

Why were you to good to be in mine?

Same again.  It was all about him.  My life didn't matter.  In fact, I don't think he thought I had one.

Why were you so embarrassed of me?

I feel he was embarrassed of me too.  :'(

Why didn't you love me for me?

Once again I've been asking myself the same question.  I think the answer is that they are far too wrapped up in themselves to give a crap about us.

I'll never get an answer, I know this, but I loved you with all I had to offer and what I knew love to be, and like me, it wasn't good enough.

I get it.  I feel what you are feeling.  There wasn't anything I could have done better, nothing I could have given more of, no sacrific I didn't make.  I believe that the more we put into the r/s the less they care.

[Maternus]

So now why go public with this dude, her old college buddy? Why him? Still trying to understand it.

There could be many reasons, why she goes public now. Maybe she is mirroring him and he is the one who wants to go public or needs it, that she does it for him. Maybe she needs to go public, to reassure herself that she made the right choice. Whatever the reason is - it has nothing to do with who you are.

Just feel she was embarrassed of me.

She still has power over you. You see yourself through her eyes. Realize, that she is the one with the disorder. She was the embarrassing partner in your relationship. And when you still think, that everything was your fault: Take a closer look on yourself. Why do you think so? Take a close look on your family, your parents, grandparents, your siblings: Is there anyone, who made you feel wrong all your life?

[Deeno02]

Deeno, she might be doing this specifically to get at you.  :)id you bring up her digital "hiding" of you?  If so, then she knows if you are watching that it is salt in the wound.

Mine changed her facebook status to "in a relationship" but declined to list my name alongside it.  Also, she had some pics of me but never tagged my name or wrote anything and put them right in her album and did not post them to her timeline so others could see them without digging.  Also, she never mentioned me on her "wall" or whatever it is called, except once when I sent her a dozen roses and so she probably felt obligated, maybe.

She told me "everyone that needs to know who you are already knows".

If I get out my BPD to Non translator I think this might mean:

"I get in and out of so many relationships that I don't want to put names up there because it will be a constant carousel of various men lasting less than a year each."

Or maybe

"I don't want people that know more about my past to be able to easily find you and private message you things that I have done that I don't want you to know about."

Or maybe it was just some devaluation thing or trying not to be engulfed.

Her facebook life was very "rich" and that was her primary social outlet, being a hermit/waif, so it is no wonder that it was a big deal to her how to handle it with her "strategery" (sic).

Maybe some of that makes sense for your case as well.

I dont know Raisins. I was the first replacement while going through her separation /divorce,  so perhaps I was the science experiment. She pursued me, I was waifed like hell. I used to ask her if we were Facebook Official, she would just laugh. I never changed my status because she hadnt, but i did change my profile pic to one of us. She never did. I think there were only 3 pics in existence of us. I just dont get it. Guess i was just a test

[Targeted]

Yeah I met with the You better treat her well crowd as well, if you look back on it they were probably mostly men? And they were probably secretly screwing her on the side behind their wives backs!

[Infared]

Yeah I met with the You better treat her well crowd as well, if you look back on it they were probably mostly men? And they were probably secretly screwing her on the side behind their wives backs!

I for one will NEVER know how much infidelity actually occurred behind my back.  I don't want to know... but I am sure that it was far more wide-spread (pun intended) than I could possibly imagine. That knowledge just fuels my disgust and strengthens my resolve to not interact with her on any level at any time in the future.

[raisins3142]

Another addition, mine might've wanted to avoid my presence on her social media so that it would less dissuade potential replacements/attention-giving-validators from messaging her on there.  I'm sure if she was more like a typical "woman in love" and posting pics and stories about us, etc. that her creepy orbiters would have felt less inclined to talk with her, maybe feeling more guilty about it if they interfered.  Just some more ideas.  It is really awful.  I for one have never understood someone in my life less.

[Targeted]

Part of my point was I was better received by her group than she was!

She could not have that!-- welcome to the NARC side!

[Deeno02]

Yeah I met with the You better treat her well crowd as well, if you look back on it they were probably mostly men? And they were probably secretly screwing her on the side behind their wives backs!

Nope, all women. She never had time. She has 5 damn kids. Barely had time for me, but my fault.

[Rise]

Why wasn't I good enough... .

Deeno, what do you think? Do you think that you were good enough?

[Deeno02]

Why wasn't I good enough... .

Deeno, what do you think? Do you think that you were good enough?

I do. I didn't seem to be a part of her world(friends, outside Interests), only her immediate world. Rarely was I let in. In 16 months I only met her friends 4 times. It just seemed like I was hidden

[wavelife]

Same same Deeno

When we were first together and first married lots of pics and posts of us.  One fight everything deleted and back to maiden name.  She unfriended me and said she didn't want to post anything about us because she didn't want to be that drama person on FB... .hahaha that is a laugh.

If you love and are married to someone I would think doing what she did caused much more drama.  I believe a big part of it was her habit of posting an new selfie almost daily got a lot more comments and likes from her list of male friends feeding her Narcissistic need, when she appeared single on FB.  I commented on it but she wouldn't change anything for me.

Skip ahead we separate and she hooks up with some goof and starts posting pics of them.  I said something about it and she screamed that she had deactivated he acct.  Kind of funny.  I guess someone must of said something off color to her about being married and having a boyfriend.

Through it all I felt the same as you... .not good enough.

Fact is I am too good for her and she lost the best thing she ever had.  You can not figure them out and its not worth the energy.

Onward and upward

[fromheeltoheal]

"Why wasn't I good enough?" is a disempowering question.  If you ask your brain that it will come up with a thousand reasons like well, you're stupid, you're fat, you're ugly, blah, blah, blah.  It is more empowering to ask questions like How do I fill up my life with people who help me feel great about myself?  To keep life simple, what if there are two kinds of people, the ones who bring us up and the ones who bring us down?  Granted most of us were blindsided by mental illness, which in it's unpredictability presented as both, or one and then the other, but let's let ourselves off the hook for that for a minute and remember that the recipe for an awesome life is to remove the folks who bring us down and surround ourselves with the folks who bring us up.  Borderlines gotta go, no question, but who else needs to go and who can we add, starting today?

[Caredverymuch]

"Why wasn't I good enough?" is a disempowering question.  If you ask your brain that it will come up with a thousand reasons like well, you're stupid, you're fat, you're ugly, blah, blah, blah.  It is more empowering to ask questions like How do I fill up my life with people who help me feel great about myself?  To keep life simple, what if there are two kinds of people, the ones who bring us up and the ones who bring us down?  Granted most of us were blindsided by mental illness, which in it's unpredictability presented as both, or one and then the other, but let's let ourselves off the hook for that for a minute and remember that the recipe for an awesome life is to remove the folks who bring us down and surround ourselves with the folks who bring us up.  Borderlines gotta go, no question, but who else needs to go and who can we add, starting today?

 

Spot in FHTH and I fully agree.  If you're not good for my life, you're not welcome in it.

[raisins3142]

Same same Deeno

When we were first together and first married lots of pics and posts of us.  One fight everything deleted and back to maiden name.  She unfriended me and said she didn't want to post anything about us because she didn't want to be that drama person on FB... .hahaha that is a laugh.

If you love and are married to someone I would think doing what she did caused much more drama.  I believe a big part of it was her habit of posting an new selfie almost daily got a lot more comments and likes from her list of male friends feeding her Narcissistic need, when she appeared single on FB.  I commented on it but she wouldn't change anything for me.

Skip ahead we separate and she hooks up with some goof and starts posting pics of them.  I said something about it and she screamed that she had deactivated he acct.  Kind of funny.  I guess someone must of said something off color to her about being married and having a boyfriend.

Through it all I felt the same as you... .not good enough.

Fact is I am too good for her and she lost the best thing she ever had.  You can not figure them out and its not worth the energy.

Onward and upward

Similar thing here.  Mine did not ever mention me on her timeline on FB and would not put my name next to the "in a relationship" status thingie.  I can only surmise that she got more attention from her male "friends" that way, she was tired of changing the name out every 3 months and looking like a strumpet, or she didn't want anyone from her past messaging me bad things about her... .or she is just super private/bat guano insane.  Or some combination of 1 or more of the above

[Infared]

Same same Deeno

When we were first together and first married lots of pics and posts of us.  One fight everything deleted and back to maiden name.  She unfriended me and said she didn't want to post anything about us because she didn't want to be that drama person on FB... .hahaha that is a laugh.

If you love and are married to someone I would think doing what she did caused much more drama.  I believe a big part of it was her habit of posting an new selfie almost daily got a lot more comments and likes from her list of male friends feeding her Narcissistic need, when she appeared single on FB.  I commented on it but she wouldn't change anything for me.

Skip ahead we separate and she hooks up with some goof and starts posting pics of them.  I said something about it and she screamed that she had deactivated he acct.  Kind of funny.  I guess someone must of said something off color to her about being married and having a boyfriend.

Through it all I felt the same as you... .not good enough.

Fact is I am too good for her and she lost the best thing she ever had.  You can not figure them out and its not worth the energy.

Onward and upward

Similar thing here.  Mine did not ever mention me on her timeline on FB and would not put my name next to the "in a relationship" status thingie.  I can only surmise that she got more attention from her male "friends" that way, she was tired of changing the name out every 3 months and looking like a strumpet, or she didn't want anyone from her past messaging me bad things about her... .or she is just super private/bat guano insane.  Or some combination of 1 or more of the above

You must be British.   Strumpet. A priceless definition.   OH no... .they would never want to own that term, even if it did fit their actions. Thanks for making me laugh.

[wavelife]

Same same Deeno

When we were first together and first married lots of pics and posts of us.  One fight everything deleted and back to maiden name.  She unfriended me and said she didn't want to post anything about us because she didn't want to be that drama person on FB... .hahaha that is a laugh.

If you love and are married to someone I would think doing what she did caused much more drama.  I believe a big part of it was her habit of posting an new selfie almost daily got a lot more comments and likes from her list of male friends feeding her Narcissistic need, when she appeared single on FB.  I commented on it but she wouldn't change anything for me.

Skip ahead we separate and she hooks up with some goof and starts posting pics of them.  I said something about it and she screamed that she had deactivated he acct.  Kind of funny.  I guess someone must of said something off color to her about being married and having a boyfriend.

Through it all I felt the same as you... .not good enough.

Fact is I am too good for her and she lost the best thing she ever had.  You can not figure them out and its not worth the energy.

Onward and upward

Similar thing here.  Mine did not ever mention me on her timeline on FB and would not put my name next to the "in a relationship" status thingie.  I can only surmise that she got more attention from her male "friends" that way, she was tired of changing the name out every 3 months and looking like a strumpet, or she didn't want anyone from her past messaging me bad things about her... .or she is just super private/bat guano insane.  Or some combination of 1 or more of the above

You must be British.   Strumpet. A priceless definition.   OH no... .they would never want to own that term, even if it did fit their actions. Thanks for making me laugh.

Hahaha... .strumpet is right.  I have a handful of choice words that would also describe my wife but they are a little too blue for a public forum