"I feel like you hate me . . ."

[ApChagi1]

" . . .and want me to leave" is the sentence my dBPDw said when we last spoke on the phone about an hour ago.  When I tried to validate that must feel scary and try to re-assure her that is not how I feel, she insisted I leave work immediately and come home and show her that is indeed not the case.  I told her I can't just leave work now and that I would be home at my usual time. 

Now I am terrified of going home tonight.  I can't imagine a scenario that goes well.  I will be accused of putting work and money ahead of her, I am certain.  She is quite disregulated right now, and I don't know what to do.  I know she has a call in to her personal therapist for help, but the T has not called back yet.

What do I do?  Even if I leave work now, because of my commute I won't be home for another two hours at least . . .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[socialworkermom]

I have had a few phone calls like this. I find it's best when i state my empathy and loving truths and do what i have to do at work. she comes around.

[Wrongturn1]

Even if you could have magically teleported yourself right home to your wife the minute she requested that you come home, that would not have solved the problem (but a teleportation machine would solve A LOT of other problems in your life no doubt  ).  Your wife has a serious mental illness, and there is nothing you could have done to show her that you indeed “do not want her to leave”.  

My advice would be to leave work at normal/reasonable time – letting your wife’s condition have a negative impact on your work life will not help the situation.  When you get home, be prepared to validate feelings but leave and take a time out if she becomes abusive to you.  When I face that situation, I like to keep my phone and car keys in my pocket and a coat and gloves in my car in case I have to make a hasty retreat to avoid being abused.  Good luck!

[braveSun]

I have had this. 

My reaction has been similar to yours, feeling fears about how my SO would start to dysregulate. My best response has been to take the initiative to call her back at my lunch time, and ask her how she was doing 'now'. SET SE SE SET.

Than told her I'm at lunch, need to go back to work for the afternoon, and will be home at 5 pm. Asked her if there was something else she could do until I am available again. Or I could do once I am free.

That had the effect of her feeling like I cared, but I did not miss work to come immediately.

[waverider]

I have lived through this even to the point of coming home to find she has been cutting herself with blood everywhere and evil things written on the mirrors in blood.

The way I broke this escalating behavior was to simply be consistent, communicate clearly, dont panic and dont act reactionary. Being reactionary validates the behavior.

In hindsight she told me that it was the consistent stability that reassured her more than any words I could have spoken.

[Maxed Out]

Thoughts and Feelings on my BPD Relationship

Does “love” make you this blind?

I don’t exist to her entire world – Never have and never will

I’m not sure of her mood by the hour or minute

Her answers are always the right answers – forget yours

I am the only one required to make improvements in the relationship

Lying is still an essential part of the relationship and her life – I am the lie and the best kept secret

Alcohol is a major issue – drastic personality changes…bantering…passes out…has been physically aggressive

Abuse/Personal Issues – She is hard to approach on all personal issues- causes one to withdraw from future conversations and questioning

I am compromising myself and who I am for the relationship to make it work

I am being pushed away and becoming less and less in the relationship- no longer part of the informed loop

Open and Honest relationship – My truthful answers or statements are lies to her – being told I am not being honest and honest when I am. I have started to pull inward.

Trust has been lost – Am I the only guy in this relationship?  Having my doubts. Is the Truth being told?

Sex life – Can’t read this one anymore at all- verbally and physically

She thinks My Cancer has no effect on the relationship – Are true colors showing now? I have seen her less this year than any other year…general time together

What percent of her is available for her supposed True Love?

With Pancreatic Cancer for the last year, I am not sure I have the mental or physical energy to continue this BPD relationship even with the applied communication skills I have been learning.