She wanted to be rescued... yet again

[Ripped Heart]

At the start of last week, i posted about a friend of BPDgf contacting me to tell me BPDgf was looking for a new TV and her friends were under the impression I was going to buy one for her. I stood my ground on that, and offered to help her look around with her and see what we could find.

Early hours of this morning (3:30am) I got a frantic and upset phone call because she thought someone had broken into her house. It turned out the cat had jumped on top of the TV and knocked it to the ground, breaking it entirely. I validated her feelings and we talked for a while until she was calm enough to go back to sleep. She sent a few texts and I told her a few bad jokes that made her smile.

Roll on to this afternoon when I get a load of text messages as she is really stressed out given what happened this morning and the enormity of what happened. She made a point of telling me she had been trying to get a payday loan and that she knew I would disapprove given her financial struggles. Instead of disapproving, I used SET in that I understood why she would look at payday loans and that this morning must have been frightening for her and then we talked through options that could work in her favour without putting the extra pressure on her that she is also feeling.

It dawned on me that the last time we had a similar discussion I bought her a car on the promise that she would pay me back as and when she had money instead of getting the payday loan. So we are back to a similar situation, having a similar conversation, except this time I didn't offer to buy her a new TV. I know that the cat would have knocked the TV over because I predicted it happening a couple of months ago and it was only a matter of time. However, part of me still wondered if this was set up given the conversation I had with her friends a couple of weeks ago and couldn't help wonder if she really could go to all this trouble because I didn't offer before.

She then called and the tears came. Not because of the TV but because just as she thinks she is getting her life back on track, something always happens which knocks her back down. We had a conversation about that and how difficult it feels for her right now. That I can't promise her answers or that everything will be perfect but that I'm right there with her as support and she doesn't have to face this on her own.

So I've looked at TV's, I have friends who repair and sell TV's and got people out there looking for me. The issue is I know she isn't going to be able to afford it and I can't shake off the feeling of wanting to deal with it to keep the pressure off of her. I won't do that but the feeling is most definitely there. I've asked around and have a friend looking for something within her price range. I still don't think she is going to be able to afford that so I might possibly meet her half way if that's the case.

One of the things she said on the phone resonated with me and explains why I felt she has been mirroring me for a while now. She said that no matter what life throws at me, I always seem to find a solution, I'm calm under pressure and make even the worst problems seem like a small inconvenience. She wants to be just like me because no matter how bad life gets for her, I'm always there to make things ok for her and that's what she wants to be like one day.

She apologised for contacting me at the end, remembering that I talked yesterday about taking a step back. She said whenever the world appears to be a dark place for her, she always feels safe with me and knows I'm right there to put my arms around her and let her know she's safe from harm.

What I find most difficult about that is that if I am all those things (I do try to be) then what's with all the push/pull? It's a rhetorical question as I know the answer but I struggle with the logic here. If I found someone who made me feel that way, the last thing I would be doing is running from it, I would be returning that feeling back. I think this is what is driving me insane right now, just trying to understand the logic behind it all.

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[Wrongturn1]

Hmmm... .seems like strange timing that she was looking for a new TV, hoping you would buy her one... .then her freakishly strong cat slams her old TV to the floor in the middle of the night, breaking it? 

Maybe this is possible, but I wouldn't put it past someone with BPD to break the old TV on purpose and blame it on the cat.

[sweetheart]

Hello Ripped Heart,

PLEASE DONT BUY THE TV, CONTRIBUTE TOWARDS THE TV, GET FRIENDS TO REPAIR A TV, STAY AWAY FROM TV's   

You know this right, this fits with rescuing, knight in shining armour stuff, I know you know this. Resist if you can falling back into this pattern of relating, it's soo messy.

Really phone calls at 330am, and she knew by then it was the cat.

What boundaries do you have in place to enable you to really take a step back from her and think about what is happening here?

Logic and BPD don't go hand in hand, it's a needs led disorder.

What are your needs and wants around this relationship? Where do you want it to go? Is there a timeframe for you and have you laid this out clearly for your exgf?

Take care of you ok

[Notwendy]

I wouldn't put it past someone who is disordered to break the TV, and put themselves in a position to be rescued.

Yes, she wants to be rescued- today, tomorrow, and you know this. You also know that what she "wants" is not under any of your control, in fact, what she wants is none of your business, really, unless you wish for it to be your business.

I want a lot of things. We could use another TV. I want to eat all the ice cream I want and not gain weight. I want world peace too.

Now, does any of that matter to you? Is it up to you to make what I want happen if I asked you to do that? Do you feel obligated to get me a TV? No, of course not. What I want has nothing to do with you.

The real question, and the only thing you can do anything about is what YOU want to do. You are under no obligation to get her a TV any more than you need to get me one. You only become a rescuer when you choose to be one.

[Cat Familiar]

OK, you predicted the cat would knock over the TV a couple of months ago and nothing was done to secure the TV.

She wants a new TV, so why would she take the steps to make sure the old one was safe?

Too many coincidences in too short a time period IMO.

It reminds me of when I was a kid and I hated a pair of shoes my mother bought me. I would sit at my school desk and rub my feet back and forth on the floor to try to wear out the shoes faster.

[sweetheart]

It reminds me of when I was a kid and I hated a pair of shoes my mother bought me. I would sit at my school desk and rub my feet back and forth on the floor to try to wear out the shoes faster.

   

[patientandclear]

I have the impression that this is in direct response to you saying you want to step back. She then pushes your button with a "help me!" couched in terms she knows you'll have a hard time not responding to ... .and you respond.

"I thought someone broke in" is pure "you have to answer this one," I suspect.

I still don't get why YOU are doing what sounds a bit like push-pull, but I think this is not about the TV and is about trying to prevent you from stepping back as announced.

[Ripped Heart]

You are completely right patientandclear, I am doing my own share of push pull. I know what she is doing and why but I cannot help stepping in when it appears serious. I know some of that is my own fear, should I not respond and there was a serious issue, I would struggle with the guilt. So in some sense, its not actually for her but for me.

I think I know this is definitely in response to my comment the other day. I also think I wasn't clear to her about what I meant in stepping back. It wasn't to shut her out but more to help me to detach from being in the middle of it all.

I know it was in response because once it was all over with last night she sent a text to let me know I had said about stepping back so she will deal with it herself. This was after I'd found info out for her and provided her with options.

Once she finished reminding me that I was stepping back she talked about us going out tonight for dinner again as discussed last week. It just gets so confusing at times and I know I add to that confusion too.

Thankfully I have appointment with T today so hopefully work on some solutions to keep me grounded instead of going around in circles with her too.

[Notwendy]

You struggle with Fear, Obligation, Guilt, - if you don't respond, something might happen and you'd feel guilty.

The book, Stop Caretaking the Borderline-- states that FOG are three ways we caretaker types are manipulated ( not necessarily conscious but it could be) into taking care of them. It advises us to pay attention to our feelings when we are feeling these.

Cartakers- of the type I am, have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility for others, and so are desirable partners for people seeking caretakers. These are in general good qualities in people- to care about others, but it can predispose us to being overly caretaking- and that is actually damaging to others. If we can see that what appears to us as being kind and compassionate into a selfish motive- keeping people dependent on us, crippling their ability to take care of themselves, alleviating our own fear of them being angry at us or leaving us, being the good guy- rescuer- it doesn't look like being caring at all.

If I WOE around a BP family member, I am actually taking care of their feelings. I am being selfish because I am avoiding their wrath, looking like the good guy, but I am keeping them from learning to manage discomfort. If I rescue a family member from financial stress, I am keeping them from learning how to survive financially. I struggle with these kinds of decisions with many people I know, not just pwBPD. I don't like to see people suffer, but I have to decide if I am helping, or Caretaking, which isn't helping at all. It's a very fine line, but a clue is what am I feeling- generosity or FOG? If it is FOG, it is probably caretaking.

Could something happen with your GF? Yes, but if you don't assume that she is capable of caring for herself, then you are diminishing her. It is very hard to distinguish between being caring or rescuing, but one question to consider is are you rescuing yourself from feeling bad about saying no?