Made the final break...

[seh77]

Hi all.  So the last few months have been a spiral of crazy for me.  Since June 2014 we have been on again off again. Our last recycle was in Oct.  She had left the house I was looking for a place of my own.  She calls me asking if I would take her back.  We talked and I thought all was well, that we were back.  She specifically said that she would stop talking to other girls.  And I wasn't so that was no problem.  Well it was going ok until she asked about marriage.  I told her I do want to marry her but only after we both go to counseling.  She took that as I wasn't committed and didn't want to marry her.  So after that she went back online to a dating site OKCUPID.  And started talking to girls again but just not mentioning to me that she considered us broken up due to the fact of the whole marriage/counseling thing.  She actually went out on a date and I caught her in a lie and she would never fess up.  She waited until the week before Xmas to say that we are broken up.  She was already talking to another girl and even went out on New Years with her.  

She wanted me to stay at the house though... .for us to live like roommates.  I told her that was not an option for me that I couldn't see her going out on dates.  She even made plans to meet with some girl while I was in the car with her and she couldn't understand why I was upset.  

I am moved out now.     She keeps giving me a sob story that she can't afford the house that her parents bought for her and she's making payments.  That she will have to live in public housing.  I just looked at her and said I'm sorry.  

I know I did the right thing.  But I miss her so much.  I know she's toxic but I can't shake her.  I've never been through a break up that's been like this.  I was with her for 5.5 years.  She was my world for those years because she slowly became everything the relationship was about.  We never went out and it wasn't because I didn't want to.  It was because she didn't want to.  We always did what she wanted.  Now I have no restrictions and I am second guessing myself.  AND IT SUCKS.  I've never been this way.  I'm afraid I will never find love again.  

Ok, that's my VENT

Now It's a NEW YEAR and it will BE A TIME FOR A NEW ME.  I'm excited to find myself again.  

[raisins3142]

I am sorry you are upset.  I still am after over 2 months of NC.  You are about a month out, and you have been in contact over that month as well it sounds.  Under those conditions, if you were mostly or totally over your ex and ready to start something new and not second guessing yourself... .then for me that would be a red flag    for my own state.  I expect to grieve a long term relationship for several months, and the fact that my last 2 exes started looking after being single 2 weeks is a big post hoc red flag   .  My advice is to limited or remove contact with your ex, let some time pass, clear your mind and don't worry as best you can, do things you enjoy, and be around/talk to supportive people.  I know that is trite/cliche advice, but I think it is actually the first thing to try out.  Hope you start feeling better soon.  

[Mutt]

We're all wired for bonding.

I think it's important that we understand there are biological effects from a  break -up and how we cope with it that comes from early development. There are also ways to speed up the recovery.

The effect are like withdrawals from a drug-user. Days and weeks after the break-up there are areas of the brain linked with distress and pain.  Craving and addiction. Also motivation and reward.

Attachment styles developed in early life can help with how we cope with break-ups.

Partners with parents with inconsistencies in their early years are more receptive to defunct relationship patterns and rather than process the pain they tend to hang on to relationships unhealthy.

Partners with caregivers that provided a sense that they were present and fostered trust are more likely to be careful with their partners feelings when they have emotional needs and changes.

To help speed-up the recovery process there are key things that one can do.

Accept that the relationship is over. Try not to attempt to win-back your ex or beg or reconsider for later on.

Recovery can be a fragile thing and it  helps to stop communicating and try to get rid of reminders like cards or letters. This will help you with moving on.

There's a sort of mythology with love sometimes where we may think that the partner is our one true soul mate. There's really nothing magical about one person and in fact we have compatibilities for many potential people.

What also helps is not demonizing the ex partner and plotting revenge. It is a waste of time and will slow the healing process.

Attachment styles  from early life are different from the examples and if you're having difficulties with accepting the loss, moving on, hoping to perhaps reconnect later, there are ways to speed-up the process. I hope that helps.

[seh77]

Hi Mutt and raisins3142,

I am going to a T now and she is helping with all of the feelings that I am having with the break up.  I continue to communicate due to I have been like a second parent to her daughter.  Have been with her since she was 18 months old and she is now 7.  That is as far as the communication goes between us now. 

My biggest problem with the whole thing was how she could go from telling me that I was the person for her blah blah blah to the very next day making dates with other women.  And thanks to my T and this site am learning more about me and not looking back now.  I am just taking things one day at a time. I am slowly finding who I am again.  I'm not anywhere near as stressed now. 

I want to thank everyone for all of the wonderful support!   

[CloseToFreedom]

I recognise the feeling of making your life all about her. That's how it was in my relationship (4,5 years). There simply was little time or energy left to do stuff with others, to do stuff on my own. Then in the last year, when we were living together, I just took that time for myself to go out with mates, to work out, to work on my career. She couldn't handle that and the relationship ended because there were COUNTLESS arguments, all based on that she felt like she didn't get enough attention.

The first weeks after the break up I thought I made a mistake, that I shouldnt have dumped her, that I should have given her more attention. But you know what? F*CK THAT! My entire life was about her, I did everything for her, took her to expensive holidays, took her in a house where she had to pay extremely little, got pets because she wanted that, paid for them as well, took her out to dinners every week because she likes that.

And now that she's gone, it's indeed ME time. But thats hard, as I've put myself on the back burner for so long.

I also recognise what Mutt says, thinking she was your soulmate. That's utter nonsense, magical thinking. I am guilty of it as well.