really confused and now information overload

[Hmcbart]

I was reading some of the other posts and felt that I had to say something. I've been married for 17 years together for almost 19. The last 2 or 3 years have been the worst. My wife and I have always had the occasional argument but things have just gotten so much worse in the last year.

We started MC in February of 2014. The main reason at the time was how she felt about me. She complained that I never help around the house or with the kids (boys 8 & 12). During therapy she basically accused me of not doing anything around the house which was a bit funny to me because she is a stay at home mom and I actually do more of the house work than she does.

I have always known that I could win an argument with her. She would fight to the end to prove her point even when the actual facts said different. I usually just choose to take the blame and end the fight. So during MC agreed to help out more around the house and with the kids more.

We filled out the survey about our top 10 emotional needs. Hers were all about security mine were more about being criticized less and more intimacy and sex. She agreed to work in the things I needed just as I agree to work on hers.

About 8 months later I was tired of everything thing being one sided. I was doing everything she asked and when I asked her she agreed. She was not following through on any of the things we agreed to. Back to MC we went but this time at my insistence. We went over everything thng again and this time set a time and date and real expectations for her on how to meet my emotional needs. (This is long I know) she agreed to every other Friday at the insistance of the counselor.

The first Friday got here and she said that it wasn't supposed to happen tonight it's next Friday. I ask why and she said that we agreed to every other Friday. That was on Tuesday so that means we skip this Friday and it starts next Friday. I asked how she came to that conclusion and her reasoning just blew me out of the water. She said that if you go to the doctor and he says come back in 2 weeks would you come in 3 days later on that Friday or wait 2 weeks. Again I said I have never been able to argue with her very well. I laughed (wrong thing to do) and told her I agree with her thought on it. I then asked her if she goes to the same doctor and he give you a prescription and say take this every other Friday, do you start taking the medication the first Friday after the doctor vist or do you wait 2 more weeks to take the medication? As I said she will hang on to her ideas and opinions no matter what. She never did understand my point of view.

Needless to say each Friday there after was a battle that ended in my self esteem getting crushed. After several months of arguing (we did manage to have sex 4 times in 4 months) but we finally had enough and I told her I was leaving if she didn't live up to what she said she could do. I didnt make good on my threat but she countered with a new one. After she spoke with some of her friends and decided I was the one to blame, I was told that I have said mean and hurtful things to her even though she gave it a 100% effort. She decided that she will not have sex with me if she isn't in the mood. I was told that I have just as much say over our sex life as she does. She said I can choose to do it when she wants and is in the mood or I can leave.

That was a long story to get to the final point. I am the type of person who helps other, I always have been. I don't usually notice things that may be obvious to others. I started therapy thinking what is wrong with me, am I a sex addict? (19 years together and never cheated). After sever therapy session I was asked about my self esteem and I told him I really didn't have any anymore. I decided to look up self esteem books to read. While looking this up I stumbled onto a website about BPD.

The more I read the more I started remembering events that had happened. Things she had done that I chalked up to her being mad at me or her time of the month (think it triggers it). Things like her being so angry at our oldest son that she called me from the car with both boys in the back seat. She proceeded to yell about how stupid the oldest son was. She yelled that he was so f'ing stupid and that she couldn't take it any more. It was about a 5 minute rage all left on my voicemail because I was working.

That wasn't the first time but that was the one that I finally woke up and listened to. By the time I got home she had scratched several holes into her arm and hand. That was the first time I saw the self harm. Then to top it off she told me that it was my fault. She said that she was so bad at me for not doing anything around the house that she took it out on him.

There have been many other things I remember now that I actually took the blame for. That was one I accepted responsability for. I'm am completely new to this idea that it may not have always been my fault. These revelations have just come in the last few days. I'm actually going to talk to my therapist about this week. The draw back is that if she act does have BPD, I am not sure how to approach it. For 19 years it has always been my fault.

I just don't know what to do from here. Thanks for listening and I'm sorry for the long long post.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Wrongturn1]

Hmcbart: Welcome!  The things you describe seem to fall within the realm of "normal" for a relationship where one person has BPD.  If you've been feeling responsible for all the negative aspects of the relationships and your wife's behavior, the good news is that you didn't cause it (the BPD did) - and you can't cure it (your wife can recover if she seeks treatment and works very hard to change).  Let me be the first one to suggest that you read through the Lessons linked on the right side of this page; they are a good place to start.

The lack of success in MC is typical from what I have seen around here.  People with BPD seem to have a hard time admitting they are responsible for a portion of the relationship problems, so they often do not apply themselves to MC.

[Hmcbart]

thanks for the reply. I'm am still in a state of bewilderment. Part of me thinks that it's still me and part of me says no, it was never you. I read the book Stop walking on eggshells and that was got my brain going. I emailed my therapist and asked him to find out what he could about BPD because I have just started seeing him (3 visits). He replied and told me that he didn't get any feeling that I may have it but we can talk about it on my next visit.

I was kind of happy that it probably wasn't something going on with me, at least not directly. But it only leaves me with more questions than answers. I have ADD and when I want to learn about something I will. I read the stop walking on eggshells in a few hours and then started looking for anything I could find on the subject (hyper focus can come in handy sometimes). I have just begun to learn about all of this. I had started keeping a journal a few years ago but mostly because I though I was going insane.

I think the MC is what pushed me to the limit. I felt like I actually had a say in the things I wanted out of my marriage. That's when things went from bad to ugly. She didn't want to give up that control and I didn't want to keep retreating from my point of view and accepting hers. As I learn more I may find that I'm not strong enough after 19 years to handle it anymore but I'm pretty stubborn sometines as well. I refuse to quit and I refuse to allow my kids to learn that it's on to be treated this way. I have a long road ahead of me but hey, no one ever said life was supposed to be easy. I love her and I said "I do, in sickness and in health", I guess I'm old fashioned but I don't like to back away from a commitment.

I will continue to read the forums hear and listen for any tips or thoughts on dealing with this. I am in triage mode. Step 1: assess the situation. step 2: assess yourself, you can help anyone if your injured yourself. I'm just now getting to step 2, fearful of how to work on step 3.

[waverider]

 

Hi Hmcbart

glad to see you here.

I hope you dont mind I edited your posts into paragraphs, it helps to make for easier reading and will encourage others to reply.

What you have experience is quite normal.

Your "triage" plan of attack is  a good way to start. Untangling your bit, working out what you can and what you can't do to make a difference is a good start.

Keep up your reading and in particular the lessons in the right hand side bar>> Particularly about stop making things worse before you can make them better.,

it is not an easy task you face, it is good you are determined. You will learn a lot about yourself as much as you will about your wife

Good luck and keep up the good work

Waverider

[Hmcbart]

Thank you for editing my posts waverider, as you can tell I'm pretty new at this. Also judging by the book I wrote, I may be adding too much information. I appreciate any feedback I can get. I will try to keep my post a little shorter from noon as well. I know that the longer the post the more likely it is to not be read. Some of that is my ADD coming out along with the information overload. Things have been good here the last 2-3 days. I know that the hard times occur before her monthly cycle (about 3-5 days before). I will take the time as a short cease fire and continue to assess myself.

[waverider]

Thank you for editing my posts waverider, as you can tell I'm pretty new at this. Also judging by the book I wrote, I may be adding too much information. I appreciate any feedback I can get. I will try to keep my post a little shorter from noon as well. I know that the longer the post the more likely it is to not be read. Some of that is my ADD coming out along with the information overload. Things have been good here the last 2-3 days. I know that the hard times occur before her monthly cycle (about 3-5 days before). I will take the time as a short cease fire and continue to assess myself.

One of the hardest things when faced with all of this is knowing where to start, Hence the need to get it all out. From here the task is then to prioritize where to start (what are the core issues?). Setting the rest aside until later.

We can navel gaze the whys and wherefores forever. But we need to start somewhere. Usually that is with a couple of basic boundaries around what really hurts us at a most basic level. Typically that includes areas such as abuse and high conflict. Often overanalysing can confuse our resolve as we start to "make excuses". Boundaries are not about fairness or what is reasonable, they are about what we can or cannot tolerate to maintain our own sanity.

The first ones also have a supplementary role of setting a precedent that we have boundaries and can enforce them, regardless of what that actual boundary is.

Much of our learning is an on the job evolution, with a lot of trial and error giving us the required feedback.

Looking at your post I think your starting point is learning to disengage and even leaving the scene when things get heated... ie your boundary is not to stick around for any abusive arguments that are just conflicts for the sake of trying to win. This gives you the space to be more objective and concentrate on how you can stop making things worse.

See where that leads.

If you are getting information overload stop studying it. Small steps and consolidate. You will be dealing with this for a long time, pace yourself and let it sink in bit by bit.

The object is to reduce stress in your life not add to it by obsessing. pwBPD are slow learners dont try to go too fast it will create more problems than it will solve.

[Wrongturn1]

Hmcbart:  If you are looking for reading materials, there is a really helpful book that helped me understand validation, including lots of example conversations:  "When Hope Is Not Enough" by Bon Dobbs.  It's available in e-book and dead tree book format.  Another helpful concept discussed in the book is that you and your wife live in different realities... .which might sound strange, but it's really based on people's perceptions, and the author explains it well.