Detachment doesn't mean forgetting or pretending it didn't happen...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello, all!

I came back to this forum after several months and 14 months after the b/u of a 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  I haven't seen her is several months and did receive a weird "check this out" email from her in December that came out of the blue.  I have happily moved on in life and had absolutely no thought of responding. 

My life is going well and I just don't have the constant chaos that was so central to much of the r/s with my ex.  I did meet a special person about five months ago and I am finding it so refreshing to be with someone healthy and happy!  There is no "rush" to the r/s and we are letting things unfold naturally.  My gut tells me and my heart echoes that this is a "good one", and I feel so fortunate!

So, I'm back here because I had a gut feeling that I needed to revisit my feelings of what went down in my r/s with my ex gf.  I listen to my gut these days.  I felt I needed to reflect on what I once allowed myself to be a part of through the eyes of someone who has moved on mostly with wisdom and strength.  I also moved on with my life and dealt with old wounds because it was a direction I just went.  No more fear, but just to live, laugh, love and grow.

Central to my recovery and detachment was an exercise I can't tell you how invaluable it was for me.  Almost immediately after I left the r/s in early December of 2013, I wrote down over eighteen pages of many of the crazy and abusive events I allowed myself to participate in over the three years of the r/s.  I then shared the "journal" with a few really close family members and with my T.  I was deep in the relationship addiction and/or co-dependency that kept me in the saddle for way too long.  Sharing it helped me let the secret out of the bag ("secrets are for the sick" and to ask others for support and to push me to stay clear of the r/s.  I went back to the "journal" several times when I thought about responding to her emails or text.  I even went back and added how the crazy events and abuse made me feel.  Again, this was so valuable to my recover and detachment, and helped me see how unhealthy the r/s was even at its best.

Now, 14 months after the b/u I went back and read the diary today.  I can't explain why I read it today except to say that it was time to read it again.  It was time to process it at a very different time in my life.  It happened and I now understand why it did and I understand that it proved to be one of the most unlikely gifts I will ever receive.  All the pain and confusion of what happened fueled me to dig deep and search.  It also propelled me to understand the most important r/s in my life = with me!  As I read the "journal" today, I no longer had feelings of anger or sadness or anxiety or anything negative.  I simply felt at peace that I had extricated myself from that mess and gained many gifts from it.  It also reinforces to me that I will not participate in an unhealthy or abusive r/s again in the future.  It is hard to believe how life has changed. 

So, if you are stuck with the thoughts of the abuse and/or other chaos from your past r/s I have to suggest to take a day or days or a week and right it all down.  Pour it out on paper.  Read it and reread it.  As you work through your recovery and detachment go back and read it some more.  If you are like me, writing it down helped me release the thoughts that were so constant in my head.  Revisiting it helped me understand and accept my feelings.  I no longer had to run from it and it no longer was central to my life.  It helped me move on to live, love, laugh and grow again.  We all deserve that!

[Madison66]

Hello, all!

I came back to this forum after several months and 14 months after the b/u of a 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  I haven't seen her is several months and did receive a weird "check this out" email from her in December that came out of the blue.  I have happily moved on in life and had absolutely no thought of responding. 

My life is going well and I just don't have the constant chaos that was so central to much of the r/s with my ex.  I did meet a special person about five months ago and I am finding it so refreshing to be with someone healthy and happy!  There is no "rush" to the r/s and we are letting things unfold naturally.  My gut tells me and my heart echoes that this is a "good one", and I feel so fortunate!

So, I'm back here because I had a gut feeling that I needed to revisit my feelings of what went down in my r/s with my ex gf.  I listen to my gut these days.  I felt I needed to reflect on what I once allowed myself to be a part of through the eyes of someone who has moved on mostly with wisdom and strength.  I also moved on with my life and dealt with old wounds because it was a direction I just went.  No more fear, but just to live, laugh, love and grow.

Central to my recovery and detachment was an exercise I can't tell you how invaluable it was for me.  Almost immediately after I left the r/s in early December of 2013, I wrote down over eighteen pages of many of the crazy and abusive events I allowed myself to participate in over the three years of the r/s.  I then shared the "journal" with a few really close family members and with my T.  I was deep in the relationship addiction and/or co-dependency that kept me in the saddle for way too long.  Sharing it helped me let the secret out of the bag ("secrets are for the sick" and to ask others for support and to push me to stay clear of the r/s.  I went back to the "journal" several times when I thought about responding to her emails or text.  I even went back and added how the crazy events and abuse made me feel.  Again, this was so valuable to my recover and detachment, and helped me see how unhealthy the r/s was even at its best.

Now, 14 months after the b/u I went back and read the diary today.  I can't explain why I read it today except to say that it was time to read it again.  It was time to process it at a very different time in my life.  It happened and I now understand why it did and I understand that it proved to be one of the most unlikely gifts I will ever receive.  All the pain and confusion of what happened fueled me to dig deep and search.  It also propelled me to understand the most important r/s in my life = with me!  As I read the "journal" today, I no longer had feelings of anger or sadness or anxiety or anything negative.  I simply felt at peace that I had extricated myself from that mess and gained many gifts from it.  It also reinforces to me that I will not participate in an unhealthy or abusive r/s again in the future.  It is hard to believe how life has changed. 

So, if you are stuck with the thoughts of the abuse and/or other chaos from your past r/s I have to suggest to take a day or days or a week and right it all down.  Pour it out on paper.  Read it and reread it.  As you work through your recovery and detachment go back and read it some more.  If you are like me, writing it down helped me release the thoughts that were so constant in my head.  Revisiting it helped me understand and accept my feelings.  I no longer had to run from it and it no longer was central to my life.  It helped me move on to live, love, laugh and grow again.  We all deserve that!

[raisins3142]

My life is going well and I just don't have the constant chaos that was so central to much of the r/s with my ex.  I did meet a special person about five months ago and I am finding it so refreshing to be with someone healthy and happy!  There is no "rush" to the r/s and we are letting things unfold naturally.  My gut tells me and my heart echoes that this is a "good one", and I feel so fortunate!

Thanks for coming back and sharing your strength and progress!

I didn't write as much as you (my relationship was shorter) but did create a list of bullet point dealbreakers that I carried with me for a while and read a few times a day.

I like your quote above.

I have had 2 BPD relationships in my life.  My first and my last loves.  I realize now that falling for a BPD at the age of 20 (my first love) made all other loves seem like not my idea of love.  Then I fell for this last one.  And I read up on BPD and now my eyes are open for the first time regarding this part of myself and what I need to do in the future.

Thanks again.

[antonio1213]

This is great advice! I actually have been spending an hour a day for the last 2-3 days just writing my feelings and revisiting ALL the crazy things she did. It is a document titled "Recollections of Crazy" on my computer. Today was really tough so I did something that I have never done before I wrote down 2 scenarios of my relationship with my exBPDgf. In one I wrote down what would have happened if I had stayed with her and in the other I wrote down what is going to happen now I am out of the relationship. I spent an hour just typing what would happen if we were still together, how miserable I would still be, and I found it hard to keep on writing because I saw that eventually it would end in a divorce, suicide, hospital visit, break up, or something like that after ever paragraph or two.

Writing it all down helps. It has helped me tremendously with gaining perspective and above all getting my emotions out on paper. Bottleing up or trying to hide emotions after a BPD break up is harmful. Letting them out on paper gives relief and perspective.

[antonio1213]

My life is going well and I just don't have the constant chaos that was so central to much of the r/s with my ex.  I did meet a special person about five months ago and I am finding it so refreshing to be with someone healthy and happy!  There is no "rush" to the r/s and we are letting things unfold naturally.  My gut tells me and my heart echoes that this is a "good one", and I feel so fortunate!

Thanks for coming back and sharing your strength and progress!

I didn't write as much as you (my relationship was shorter) but did create a list of bullet point dealbreakers that I carried with me for a while and read a few times a day.

I like your quote above.

I have had 2 BPD relationships in my life.  My first and my last loves.  I realize now that falling for a BPD at the age of 20 (my first love) made all other loves seem like not my idea of love.  Then I fell for this last one.  And I read up on BPD and now my eyes are open for the first time regarding this part of myself and what I need to do in the future.

Thanks again.

What do you mean by "made all other loves seem like not my idea of love"?

[raisins3142]

My life is going well and I just don't have the constant chaos that was so central to much of the r/s with my ex.  I did meet a special person about five months ago and I am finding it so refreshing to be with someone healthy and happy!  There is no "rush" to the r/s and we are letting things unfold naturally.  My gut tells me and my heart echoes that this is a "good one", and I feel so fortunate!

Thanks for coming back and sharing your strength and progress!

I didn't write as much as you (my relationship was shorter) but did create a list of bullet point dealbreakers that I carried with me for a while and read a few times a day.

I like your quote above.

I have had 2 BPD relationships in my life.  My first and my last loves.  I realize now that falling for a BPD at the age of 20 (my first love) made all other loves seem like not my idea of love.  Then I fell for this last one.  And I read up on BPD and now my eyes are open for the first time regarding this part of myself and what I need to do in the future.

Thanks again.

What do you mean by "made all other loves seem like not my idea of love"?

When I fell for my first BPDgf, it was very intense and immediate.  I had a rush of falling in love and I idealized her.  She connected to me and shared more than she had with anyone else, this broke her facade and she slowly descended into madness.

I dated after this, but never had the intense and immediate rush.  I told GFs that I loved them, but never really felt "in love".  In my mind, I identified that strong feeling with falling in love, and so I never really thought I could love any of those more healthy girls.  Their "key" didn't fit my "lock" to release those emotions, so to speak and so I thought.  Mind you, I didn't date a great deal.  I often went a year without a date, and was okay with that because I am somewhat emotionally self sufficient and have close family and friends.

My last BPDgf, meeting her at the age of 37, triggered those immediate and intense feelings, and so I thought I had hit paydirt and had finally found someone else I could "love".  But I was wrong.  She was way worse than my first BPDgf, in her own way.  At least I trust the 1st that she would not cheat on me or betray me horribly and the 1st was relatively honest.

After all of that, I realized I sacrificed 18 years of my life when I could have been finding and cultivating more healthy attachments.  Although it seems like a waste now, I'm glad that I finally had this last experience that helped me understand myself more fully.