25 year old woman with possible BPD father

[M1V3]

Hello. I just joined here because I am looking for some serious guidance in dealing with my most likely BPD father. Very long story short: Ever since I was a little girl, my dad and I never got along as well as many fathers and daughters do. We would, and still do, butt heads over the normal things like opposing views on life. However, arguments usually begin somewhat calm (because I have learned that defending myself just keeps the argument going and he loves to argue. Therefore, I just employ the "uh huh, okay. I get it." nature which is better for my sanity) and then become screaming VERY quickly from his end. Often times he yells over me, does not let me talk, and hangs up (he moved out of state when I began college). He has condescending and downright disgusting language and comments when he is angry, then is seemingly fine 15 minutes later. I thought for a while that he was bipolar, but I have considered BPD recently. He constantly needs to feel like I still need him even though I'm on my own and a full-time student who works. Not to mention, he is unemployed, and for some reason unknown to me, will not get a job. He depends on people in his life for money and support. I also have a 19 year old brother who lives with him. My dad needs control in his life because he probably has never felt like he had any being the youngest of 6 siblings growing up. My mother died of a sudden and unexpected heart attack in 2004, and since then, obviously depression with him has been worse. Overall, I end up feeling like I need to be his mother most times. He never takes 'no' for an answer and tells me quite often that I "should just tell him that I hate him and always have." He needs the attention it seems. His form of me 'hating him' is because I "lack warmth" with him. He does not realize that I will never forget things he has said to me growing up and that his yelling has hurt me in the past. Now, I don't like to argue with him, so it comes across as me not caring. In reality, I am trying to keep my inner peace and not lose my mind. I know not knowing someone first hand raises questions as to whether or not the other person (meaning, me) could just be exaggerating or overreacting. I am just looking for advice for dealing with a parent who may have BPD because my sanity is slipping, and I am tired of feeling like I have to cut my father out of my life. Thank you in advance.

[Turkish]

Hello M1V3,

I have a question that perhaps you may need to think about for a while: do you ever remember a time, perhaps when you were a very little girl, when you did get along very well? Looking back, I realize that I was aware of my mother's behaviors from about 4 or 5. It got really bad when I was a teenager though.

I'm soory to hear about your mom's passing. It sounds like your dad is still dysfunctionally coping with the loss. Though we usually talk terms like Parentification, or emotional incest (where a child steps in to be a proxy parent or spouse in an emotional capacity), do you think that is what is going on? No matter your age, it's still damaging.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

I was a proxy parent for my Ex (a somewhat similar dynamic), but it's hard to "divorce" our relatives. It may not need to come to that, though, as wehave tools here about how to communicate using validation, and how to detach ourselves from arguments or fights, learning to not JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain): https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=205038.msg12280854#msg12280854

Does this make sense? I see myself how I JADEed a lot with my BPD mom. Though it didn't excuse her behaviors, it only escalated the conflict. Whether or not you choose to limit your contact with your father, we will support you in establishing healthy boundaries and you ultimately doing what's best for you. With some learning and peer support, things can get better.



Turkish

[Ziggiddy]

Hi M1V3

Welcome to the family! 

It's never easy dealing with someone who behaves in a disordered way and it's much much harder when that someone is your parent. Someone who should be taking care of you not the other way around.

I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. That must be hard too. It seems to me that with your dad monopolising the attention you are not only not getting the opportunity to grieve but rather supporting him in his grief. It must be very draining for you.

I concur with Turkish there about the emotional incest - it sounds like a strong term but really it's just about a parent making his kid more of a partner than a kid. There are things he should be supporting you in and protecting you form but if he has BPD then it doesn't work like that, does it?

In any case it seems like you need a little time and space to care for yourself and your needs rather than your dad's.

Like Turkish I also have a uBPD mother but my father has his own set of infantile behaviours - i suspect NPD and OCPD so i can understand your feeling you don't have a parent to turn to. I'm sorry for that. it's not the way it should be.

I hope you will have a look at the links there - the more you educate yourself about the condition, the better able you will be to set in place a structure to negotiate your r/ship with him that will give you more peace than you are experiencing right now.

Most importantly to not be driven by feelings of fear, obligation and guilt.

Do let us know what you think of the links.

Do you get along with your brother? Does he see similar traits in your father?

I hope you will get back to us and let us know

Ziggiddy

[M1V3]

Turkish, we have had a rough relationship for as long as I can remember. Possibly the earliest times I can think of is around 6 or 7 when I would go with him during his work travel around town. I'll never forget the one time I went with him, and we went to someone's house for a work drop-off. My dad has always been one to want me to show people (and probably more so him) that I love him and am close with him. During this particular visit with his friend, he leaned in at one point to give me a kiss, and I pulled my head away. I am not a super affectionate person with many people (even when I was little, and not even with my mother whom I was very close with as a child and teen), and I didn't like doing that stuff in front of people. He never understood that about me and that's why he says I never liked him. Well, when we got in the car to leave, he slapped me across the face and said, "don't you ever pull your head away when I try to kiss you in front of people!". For as long as I can remember, he has always needed people to think he is a great dad and always needs confirmation and validation from people it seems. In multiple areas in life. During many of our bickering moments, he will tell me that I "never liked him, even as a baby". How true that is, I'm not sure. Because I feel as though babies don't have much hate in their heart.

The link about JADE is very helpful. I also read about SET. Thank you for those links, and yes, emotional incest seems to fit into all of this perfectly. Often times, and despite the fact that I am 25 years old, he will scold me if I talk to someone who he does not like, for whatever reason. However, whenever he makes up with the person (which usually happens eventually) I am expected to be okay with that person again. This goes back and forth depending on whether he is on good terms with someone. Drives me nuts because I am one of those people who doesn't do drama and will just be nice to anyone who hasn't given me a reason to otherwise. However, I've known that it's always important to know people's true colors even while being nice. Ironically, my father taught me that. Overall, his needs always need to be met, and if I "go against him" in any way... .forget it, argument arises full blown and I am suddenly "disrespectful to my father".


Ziggiddy, I do get along with my brother but unfortunately, it seems over the 8 years of living with my dad out of state, he seems to be very very close with my dad which worries me. My brother (I'll call him "S" is 19 - around the age when I started figuring my dad out - but S never had the rocky relationship that I always had with my dad. So, I fear that he will follow in my dad's footsteps.

Most of my motivation to join this site and most of my concern with my father has been jumpstarted lately due to the fact that both him and S are about to move back to the state I'm in; more specifically, a town over from where I live. I am not prepared to be living in the same state again with someone as toxic as he is, after 8 years. Phone calls can be brutal enough when we argue. Sure, he has visited a couple times, and I've seen him and my brother for family funerals over the years, but living so close to him again is concerning me. Much of my anger issues stem from him directly. It's a very confusing relationship because it seems like we both put on the act of getting along when we need to. I know he cares about me, but I'm not sure he knows exactly how to love me, if that makes sense. On the surface, many people really enjoy his company because he can be fun and loving. It's when you know him below the surface that makes him toxic.