How has being in relationship with a sex addict affected you?

[Cat Familiar]

My ex-husband was a sex addict. He had countless affairs and even seduced some of my friends. It really undermined my self-esteem and my confidence sexually. Even though he wanted to have sex with me, I was completely turned off by his behavior. Previously I considered myself a highly sexual woman, but after being with him for many years, I feel quite asexual.

When I got together with my current husband, I was so attracted to him and in love that my sexuality returned. But over time, his alcohol use turned me off. I think I wouldn't have become so aloof had it not been for my experience with my ex-husband. And in that way, I'm starting to realize that it isn't fair to punish the second for the behavior of the first. I hadn't realized until recently that I might be doing just that.

So how has your experience influenced you?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MissyM]

Cat, I think a couple of years ago my answers would have been different.  Dealing with my SABPDh has brought forth all of the pain and trauma of my life and magnified it by 100x.  Because of that I have gotten the help and healing that I needed, I do not think I would have really hit my knees if it weren't for that.  So, for me the change has been amazing.  I used to hear women say that they were grateful for the experience and think that they were crazy but now I get it.  The trauma from having been in a marriage with 2 different SABPDs really added on to what I needed to heal but it was the underlying childhood issues that needed to be addressed.  I addressed my issues with my father after the 1st marriage but didn't do the healing over my issues with my Mom (who has BPD traits) until this marriage.  So it would be nice to say it was only because of the SAs in my life that I have had all this pain but it wouldn't be true.  Now my 1st husband was when I was very young (met when 18) and had a profound affect on me but I wouldn't have been with him were it not for my childhood.

[braveSun]

I am still affected by my SO, who suffers from a SA and BPD. Her behaviors are more and more under her counsciousness and there is significant healing and changes.

I am at this point now where I am assessing the damages. For one thing, I understand that for me this is an experience of trauma. It is something I can work on healing. There are parts of me which have sort of shut down, or significantly changed, including but not only, my sexuality. It has also affected my creativity, and I am a designer. So you can make the equation.

I have to admit that a lot of my natural emotions in regards to the hurtful behaviors have been anger-started. I understand anger is better than resignation and despair. However, it has it's draw backs. Like suppressed anger.

Physically, it is something I have now a close watch on. The ways in which my anger affects my overall health (sleep patterns, hormonal fluctuations, weight fluctuations, immune system, etc.).

I must say overall, that my self esteem has been eroded in some ways, and it's my first job on my list: to take back my own relevance in my life.


Cat Familiar, I do relate to what you are saying regarding 'punishing the second'. Maybe it's just an expression we use to mean that we are still with the issue, or we realise that there is still more under the hood than we expected. I definitely would not feel OK with a partner who uses substances in order to have his feelings for me. That would ring too close to my first experience of being on the receiving end of an addiction (objectivisation). I think PTSD plays a role in that. I see this as imprints we get when we have been hurt, and we have not released all of the pain, or there is still a sore spot.

It's great that you are responding in a way by which you want to affirm more self-awareness and come through with your values.


MissyM, I see that you have done some very deep FOO work and considering your two marriages with SABPDs, I can relate to how this would become a central quest. I see that these painful experiences we have with encountering mental illness in our lives do count as major life events. Other events could have happen also, like a major disaster where we lose all the fabric of our identity at once, and must start from scratch. Those situations are really big catalysts for deep human changes. Maybe opportunities for us to appreciate the natural resiliance of the human spirit. I have respect for that. I think it will take decades for us to see the real impact of these experiences.

It's truely inspiring to hear that you have responded in such a positive and life affirming way.


 

[MissyM]

I have to admit that a lot of my natural emotions in regards to the hurtful behaviors have been anger-started. I understand anger is better than resignation and despair. However, it has it's draw backs. Like suppressed anger.

I spent a long time in anger, this is a long process and stuffing anger isn't the solution.  Really getting in touch with the deep hurt and pain underneath took me a couple of years, so I tell people to just accept where they are in the process.  I used to tell people at meetings that I didn't understand how no one else was royally pissed off, like I was.  They would smile, give me a hug and tell me to keep coming back.  So happy to give you a virtual hug,  , and tell you to keep on working through it.

It's truely inspiring to hear that you have responded in such a positive and life affirming way.

Thank you, it is a journey and there are resources to help if we just reach for them.  This site was really beneficial in helping me address the BPD side of things.

[vortex of confusion]

Thank you for starting this topic!

I think my husband's SA has impacted my self esteem most of all. I don't feel desirable. In my mind, if I was desirable and kept him happy, he wouldn't have sought porn or other women. I know that him doing those things have nothing to do with what I am or am not giving him. I am still trying to accept that his behavior was nothing personal towards me. But, all of those years of rejection and mixed messages has really done a number on me.

I don't feel worthy at all. I know I have talked about my husband and I trying out an open relationship. The guy that I took on as my lover is also no good. I recently had the revelation that he is probably some kind of SA with BPD or NPD or some other disorder. I don't know what it is. I do know that choosing him was not a good idea. At the same time, I didn't think that I deserved any better. I felt like a worthless piece of crap that was not worthy of having a man treat her right. So, that is what I have accepted. It is a very painful revelation to come to grips with. I think that may be the source of some of my difficulties in setting boundaries. I am so afraid that if I set a boundary around certain things, then I will find myself completely and utterly alone because I am not worth other people's time or energy. Heck, I couldn't even figure out how to be a good wife.

[MissyM]

I don't feel worthy at all. I know I have talked about my husband and I trying out an open relationship. The guy that I took on as my lover is also no good. I recently had the revelation that he is probably some kind of SA with BPD or NPD or some other disorder. I don't know what it is. I do know that choosing him was not a good idea. At the same time, I didn't think that I deserved any better. I felt like a worthless piece of crap that was not worthy of having a man treat her right. So, that is what I have accepted. It is a very painful revelation to come to grips with. I think that may be the source of some of my difficulties in setting boundaries. I am so afraid that if I set a boundary around certain things, then I will find myself completely and utterly alone because I am not worth other people's time or energy. Heck, I couldn't even figure out how to be a good wife.

I think not feeling worthy of better is a common theme for spouses of SAs.  I didn't believe that someone would love me in the way I needed, that somehow this was just as good as it got.  The SA stuff was added onto all of the other bad treatment that preceded it.  I would rage back against the bad treatment but really never made the changes necessary to stop it.  Boundary work is so vital and important but healing from the trauma had to come first.  There is a great guided meditation with affirmations that was recommended to me, I bought it on iTunes, and listened to it over and over while crying.  It is Guided Imagery to Help with Heartbreak, Abandonment & Betrayal by Bellaruth Naparstek.  There are also affirmations on the album.

[braveSun]

I used to tell people at meetings that I didn't understand how no one else was royally pissed off, like I was.  They would smile, give me a hug and tell me to keep coming back.

I had that in meetings as well.  And the opposite too, where some women did not even get to their anger at all, and only felt the 'compassion thing', but had strong opinions on how others should feel.

I'm learning to take that as a sign in myself. When I start to feel like I know better than others about what they should do, I see that I may be the one who is seeing myself in the mirror of other people's stories, and needing to connect to my own truth. Whatever the emotions we have in us, whether it's anger, sadness, disgust, a strong need to be heard, whatever it is, it's important to acknowledge it and bless it. It's our emotion. It's our system telling us something. That's where we start.

So happy to give you a virtual hug,  , and tell you to keep on working through it.

I think my husband's SA has impacted my self esteem most of all. I don't feel desirable.

In my mind, if I was desirable and kept him happy, he wouldn't have sought porn or other women. I know that him doing those things have nothing to do with what I am or am not giving him. I am still trying to accept that his behavior was nothing personal towards me. But, all of those years of rejection and mixed messages has really done a number on me.

I think you have it right there.

Reading your words for myself, it makes me remember that I can be moving back and forth through those different stages of loss (regarding the acceptance of the disease). The affect of SA BPD r/s on me feels a lot like a disconnection from myself at some point (my self-worth being tested a lot). Like a blind spot of sorts. The part in me that wants to say 'Hey that hurts!' gets overlooked.  That's because of a form of dissociation. I know it intellectually, and I tend to approach life intellectually (I am a INTJ), but I have a hard time sometimes to remember me in the shuffle of things.



For me, seeing a therapist who held that me sad up for me and gently returned it back when I tried my best to intellectualize and avoid the feeling, that's what started the real healing.

For my part, I beleive that being subjected to any kind of objectivization for any lenght of time will grate on my self-esteem. It's the felt me inside who is affected. There is a non-reciprocal experience of silence there that's hard to take in. Being an object is not being connected to another human being. It's not love.

Having a professional connecting to that place has been priceless.

I have been only a little over a year into this r/s. I cannot tell how it would be for me to have been into this for several years, to live a life together with this condition, etc... Plus the overall concepts of SA are relatively new.  Placing this into societal context can help to see that generations of people did not engage in those relationships thinking they were being sick.  Just that maybe now we can see that there is better and want better for our relationships.

[vortex of confusion]

I have been only a little over a year into this r/s. I cannot tell how it would be for me to have been into this for several years, to live a life together with this condition, etc... Plus the overall concepts of SA are relatively new.  Placing this into societal context can help to see that generations of people did not engage in those relationship being sick.  Just that maybe now we can see that there is better and want better for our relationships.

I have been with my husband for 18 years (married 16.5). I don't think I fully realized what was going on until relatively recently (last couple of years). The first couple of years were pretty bad with him looking at porn every chance he got. He could perform enough to keep me from getting too upset. There were a lot of little issues. When I got pregnant with our oldest, I let a lot of stuff slide. He lost his job due to getting caught looking at porn at work. He went to one meeting, we talked a bunch, I pretty much became his therapist, and then the whole issue kind of faded away. The reality is that it was still simmering under the surface.

I think I was too embarrassed to do too much pushing on the issue. I was firmly convinced that I had done something wrong and that I had failed as a wife. I never hear of SA. I didn't know it existed. I grew up hearing that the only reason men would cheat or look at pornography like that is because their wives/girlfriends were cold fish and didn't take care of them properly. I couldn't erase those messages. I couldn't get past the "This is my fault because I am not doing something right. I am a bad wife." God forbid that I actually talk to anybody about this stuff. I did lots of reading and so much of it pointed back to the wife not doing something right. I still struggle with feeling like a failure as a wife. I am doing better at coming to grips with the fact that this is NOT my fault. It has helped me to hear stories from guys that have said, "Wow, you do THAT for you husband!" I didn't feel like I was doing enough. After all, there are some things that simply are not discussed in polite society.

[Cat Familiar]

Wow, I really appreciate all the deeply soul-searching replies.

MissyM--I think I stayed with my first husband, even though I was never "in love with him" because of my estrangement from my family. My BPD mom had such absolute ideas about "no sex" and anyone who had sex was somehow evil or dirty, even if they were married. I knew her perspective was really off-base, but it was so damaging to be told how bad I was--even before I started having sex!

Many years later I found some correspondence she had saved from lovers before she married my father and apparently she "got around." Knowing that, I can understand her fears for me, but it was nonetheless extremely damaging to grow up hearing those messages.

BraveSun--You're absolutely right about how a partner's sex addiction can shut down other areas of one's life, in addition to sexuality. When I finally extricated myself from my first marriage, I had a burst of new creativity--I started writing for alternative media and went back to college. My self-esteem had really taken a blow from that marriage. Fortunately I began therapy, which certainly helped free me from much of the cumulative damage, but now I find there's even more to repair. You linking #2's substance abuse with #1's SA is something I hadn't put together--but it makes a lot of sense. Thank you! And yes, about the PTSD too! (I too am an INTJ--not many of us out there!)

Vortex--Yes, yes, yes. I know exactly what you mean about not feeling desirable. I feel like a female eunuch--asexual. Because my mother was always so BPD-unpredictible and she never taught me how to be feminine, I always identified more with my dad. He was intelligent and effective and knew how to do lots of different things. I've been told that other people see me as feminine and I think it's really weird--I feel at home being a ranch hand, but trying to be a girl is something that seems very mysterious and foreign and when I try, I feel like a little kid playing dress up. It didn't help my self-esteem to have my first husband shag every available female that crossed his path! I too, thought it was my fault that I couldn't keep the dog on the porch. But in a way it was my fault for staying in a relationship with someone for whom I never had much attraction. Now with husband #2, I was really attracted, and I can occasionally get there again when he's not drinking and is in a good mood (lots of hurdles to jump over). It's been a real eye opener to read about other people still finding their BPD partners attractive enough to want to jump their bones. I'd kind of given up on ever feeling that way again.

[vortex of confusion]

Cat:

I am so glad that we are having this discussion. I can see so many similarities. One of the things that I have been really afraid to admit is that I chose my husband because he was safe (or so I thought). When I was in college, I was engaged to a guy that could melt me. The things that he said and did just put me over the moon. The problem was that my parents got involved and things got ugly. I ended up breaking up with him and spent some time in counseling. My dad told me point blank that if I stayed with that guy he would spend the rest of his life making sure that I was miserable. He would do everything in his power to break us up. I was 19 or 20 at the time and I had no doubts that my dad would do that. So, I broke it off and went on with my life. I met my husband and he was safe. He wasn't the alpha male that my previous fiance was. He was very beta for lack of a better term. And, my parents liked him. So, I chose him and stuck with him because he was safe. Now that I am getting older, I am tired of safe. I want to feel like I did with my first fiance. Heck, I want somebody to want me like that again. My husband has never ever wanted me like that and I don't think I have ever had those kind of feelings with my husband. I didn't like the porn but it was safe. At least he wasn't with other women. It has been all about what I perceived to be safe. Heck, there are times that I stay right where I am because it is safe. I know what to expect (in an unexpected BPD kind of way). It may suck but it is what I know.

I don't know that I will ever want to jump my husband bones.  There are days when it is all I can do to not be disgusted by him when I think of all of the stuff that I have allowed to go on between us.

[Cat Familiar]

Vortex, I totally understand the "safe" choice. I had a number of handsome and dangerous boyfriends in college--one in particular was good marriage material, but he went off to grad school in a different state, while I was undecided about what I was doing with my future. So I ended up working after I graduated and dating a variety of guys. When I got pregnant unexpectedly and didn't know who was the father, I felt tremendous shame.

I got an abortion and when I called up one of the potential fathers to pick me up at the bus station, the man who would become my first husband showed up instead--he just happened to be at the house when I called for a ride.

He was madly in love with me and I just sort of went along with it. I was going to move to a ski area with one of my roommates, but she had a job commitment which prevented her from leaving for a few weeks, so he suggested that he and I check out ski areas and next thing I knew, we were in a relationship.

He was smart, had fairly good people skills and it was too much trouble to extricate myself after a short while. I didn't know at the time that he was a pwBPD as well as a sex addict and prone to violent rages. He just seemed like a nice safe guy.

[MissyM]

Cat, Vortex - Me three!  At the treatment center they helped me recognize a pattern.  I have only been madly in love 2 times in my life.  It was after ending each one of those relationships I went into a marriage with an addict.  Having no idea how to deal with the pain I chose low-no intimacy relationships.  A couple of years in, I decided I really wanted intimacy.  My 1st husband was low intimacy and I ended it.  My current husband was no intimacy but we have been able to turn that around, he did want intimacy but had no idea how to get there.

Bravesun - some people come in and try to have compassion and not deal with their anger, that is their journey.  They usually end up leaving or crash and burn, then the anger comes out.  We are all on our own timetable.  I am 3.5 years into this and my therapist told me the other day that she never thought my husband and I would make it, none of the therapists involved did.  Miracles happen in recovery, no idea who they will happen for though.  I just took the attitude that anyone that had a really good recovery I would ask what they were doing.  I feel very blessed to have had some wonderful teachers along the way.  My therapist has been amazing and agree that having someone that really understood my experience was essential for me.  Everyone gets there in different ways.

[braveSun]

MissyM, yes, I agree with you. Everybody has their own time table. And their own 'point of contact'. Having someone understanding you is awesome!

 

Cat, Vortex, and MissyM, reading your stories is fascinating. I had it the other way around, it seems. My last relationship was with good intimacy, and lasted a good 15 years, with definitely some difficult moments in it, but overall it was a healthy relationship. One could say it was a 'safe choice', but my safe choice was not at all a case where I didn't love her, nor because it was unhealthy.

This one came after that, and it was one person I fell in love with passionately. I mean, I felt that I could have a much greater level of intimacy with this one. And it turned out to be a SA w BPD.   

[maxsterling]

I sometimes wonder if I am really desired, or desired as an object.  Sometimes with sex, I feel like i am feeding her addiction.  Hard for me to feel free with myself, then.

[MissyM]

I sometimes wonder if I am really desired, or desired as an object.  Sometimes with sex, I feel like i am feeding her addiction.  Hard for me to feel free with myself, then.

That is a very uncomfortable feeling.  My first husband was like that, just kind of an octopus and would get very upset if I refused him.  I found it exhausting.

[Cat Familiar]

I sometimes wonder if I am really desired, or desired as an object.  Sometimes with sex, I feel like i am feeding her addiction.  Hard for me to feel free with myself, then.

That is a very uncomfortable feeling.  My first husband was like that, just kind of an octopus and would get very upset if I refused him.  I found it exhausting.

My first husband would mark the calendar whenever we had sex and then he would angrily show me that too many days had gone by without sex. I remember just bending over the TV (in the days when TVs were substantial boxes) so that he could do me (sorry if TMI) and get it over with.

[MissyM]

My first husband would mark the calendar whenever we had sex and then he would angrily show me that too many days had gone by without sex.

How romantic.   

I know that my current husband seemed very respectful of me when we married, I thought no way was he like my 1st husband.  Oops, turns out they are very much alike.  The only difference is that my current BPDh isn't obsessed/possessive/jealous like my 1st husband.  That was such a relief that I didn't realize that the intimacy/sexual anorexia were a big issue and tied to the same kind of issues as my 1st husband.   This is what prompted me to work on my own healing, if I couldn't heal this marriage I wasn't going to have another one with the same underlying issues.

[maxsterling]

I sometimes wonder if I am really desired, or desired as an object.  Sometimes with sex, I feel like i am feeding her addiction.  Hard for me to feel free with myself, then.

That is a very uncomfortable feeling.  My first husband was like that, just kind of an octopus and would get very upset if I refused him.  I found it exhausting.

My first husband would mark the calendar whenever we had sex and then he would angrily show me that too many days had gone by without sex. I remember just bending over the TV (in the days when TVs were substantial boxes) so that he could do me (sorry if TMI) and get it over with.

I hate to say that I have had sex with my wife to just get it over with.  This is usually after several days of negative attitude (huge turn off) and criticism, and suddenly a good day and she wants sex.  I'm of course not in that mood emotionally, yet I have obliged and not exactly felt good afterwards.  I'm not saying it is always that way, or even most of the time.  But after a period of complete dysregulation, it takes me a few weeks to feel in the sex mood again.  Yet, if I don't have sex, I fear the self loathing will return for her and the cycle will begin quicker.  

[Cat Familiar]

My first husband would mark the calendar whenever we had sex and then he would angrily show me that too many days had gone by without sex.

How romantic.   

I know that my current husband seemed very respectful of me when we married, I thought no way was he like my 1st husband.  Oops, turns out they are very much alike.  The only difference is that my current BPDh isn't obsessed/possessive/jealous like my 1st husband.  That was such a relief that I didn't realize that the intimacy/sexual anorexia were a big issue and tied to the same kind of issues as my 1st husband.   This is what prompted me to work on my own healing, if I couldn't heal this marriage I wasn't going to have another one with the same underlying issues.

Thanks for reply and the emoji. It made me laugh. 

Isn't it amazing how we repeat history until we get over it?

[vortex of confusion]

I hate to say that I have had sex with my wife to just get it over with.  This is usually after several days of negative attitude (huge turn off) and criticism, and suddenly a good day and she wants sex.  I'm of course not in that mood emotionally, yet I have obliged and not exactly felt good afterwards.  I'm not saying it is always that way, or even most of the time.  But after a period of complete dysregulation, it takes me a few weeks to feel in the sex mood again.  Yet, if I don't have sex, I fear the self loathing will return for her and the cycle will begin quicker.  

I have done the same. It is soo weird how when I put out it is like my husband is a different person. I know that there are jokes about going without but geesh to go from feeling completely hopeless about our marriage, his recovery, and everything in between to being happy and sweet and acting like there is so much hope is really confusing. It is sometimes easier to put out than it is to hold the boundary of not doing it. Now, when I give it up, I do it with a lot more knowledge and I don't get sucked into thinking, "Everything is all better now." That kept me confused for the longest time.

I am trying to get better at only doing it if I want to rather than out of fear or obligation. I did it for years because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't. And, I kept thinking that maybe if I kept trying then something would change. There is another thread that mentions keep trying and maybe things will work. The problem with that is that I have been trying for 16.5 years and it still doesn't work on a consistent basis. It really does a number on ones psyche that is for sure.

[MissyM]

Think I am not gong to post on the other thread about the sexual and intimacy anorexia.  Think this is a good read about it, though

www.posarc.com/partners/sexual-anorexia

[vortex of confusion]

Think I am not gong to post on the other thread about the sexual and intimacy anorexia.  Think this is a good read about it, though

www.posarc.com/partners/sexual-anorexia

I have read this article several times since you posted it. Every time I read it, I find something else that I wish I had known a whole lot of years ago. This passage explains so much:

Dr. Weiss contends that early reinforcement of bonding to the fantasy world (with or without pornography) and being maintained through adulthood can lead a person to primarily sexually bond to that fantasy realm. The neurological, chemical bonds (oxytocin, the bonding chemical, among others) to the unreal world combined with the psychological ease of the fantasy world can allow a person to conclude the altered state fantasy world is not only easier psychologically and sexually, but preferred. Once the individual makes this conclusion whether they’re in their 20s or their 60s, the anorexia symptoms will follow.

My husband has clearly bonded to his fantasy world instead of me. He has pretty much confirmed this over the years through is words and his actions.

[MissyM]

I find Weiss to explain intimacy anorexia very clearly.  Others talk about it but I could really get it when I read his work.

[Cat Familiar]

Yikes, I've discovered that I'm a sexual anorexic because I don't want to be vulnerable to my partner's addictive behavior! And I do think I'm generalizing from husband #1 to #2--and #2 is really a good guy, despite the alcohol use and BPD--and he's done much better at not overindulging. 

[MissyM]

Yikes, I've discovered that I'm a sexual anorexic because I don't want to be vulnerable to my partner's addictive behavior!

Explain?  I know either partner can be an anorexic, and anorexia doesn't even have to go with sex addiction but is kind of the other side of the same coin.  But I don't know of any definition that includes not wanting to be vulnerable to a partner's addictive behavior.

[Cat Familiar]

Yikes, I've discovered that I'm a sexual anorexic because I don't want to be vulnerable to my partner's addictive behavior!

Explain?  I know either partner can be an anorexic, and anorexia doesn't even have to go with sex addiction but is kind of the other side of the same coin.  But I don't know of any definition that includes not wanting to be vulnerable to a partner's addictive behavior.

I started really getting turned off by my husband's drinking. If he drank too much, then he seemed to get disconnected from his body and would not be able to finish. This was very uncomfortable for me, being post-menopausal, even with lubrication, tissues tend to be ultra sensitive to too much irritation. (Funny that I used the word "irritation" since it describes both my mental and physical state.) So, rather than being enjoyable, sex, in my mind started becoming unpleasant.

I drew a line about sex with a drunk and because he drinks every night, that pretty much ended our sex life. He wanted me to find time during the day to "cuddle"--his code word for sex. But because I was so irritated with him (and this was before I realized the BPD component), I just could not force myself to quit doing chores (household and ranch) and "hang out" with him.

Also, because I was doing the lion's share of work around here, I was pi$$ed off about that too--that he would spend all day (he's retired) watching TV, movies, reading books, napping. His sloth really turned me off.

So, gradually our sex life diminished to zero. I'm starting to grow my compassion and understanding and recently when we went away for a couple of days we rekindled our romance (and sexuality), but upon returning home, he immediately went into his grumpoopy self (another less than charming attribute).

It's been helpful reading and participating in these discussions and I realize how much baggage I'm carrying from the first marriage. Upon Formflier's prodding, I tried to initiate sex a couple of days ago, but my husband was not feeling well, so I left it at cuddling, which was surprisingly enjoyable.

I realize that I'm the one who must initiate at this point. I turned him down a handful of times (really--that's all) in the last several years and now, he's reluctant to ask me.

The other night, while sleeping in a different part of the house, I noticed that his light was on in his studio at about 3 a.m. I can't remember why I got up and went over to see him, but he had his pajama pants off, a towel nearby, his tablet on the bed and he had passed out drunk. So I figured he was self-pleasuring and had fallen asleep before finishing. (TMI--I know) I was fine with that, though I felt sad.

I really would like to rekindle our sexual relationship, but I think I need to take it slow. I got so much negativity and programming from my mother and harbored so much guilt for my wild youth that it has felt safer and more comfortable to not indulge in sexuality at all. Hence, my sexual anorexia. Thank you for asking.

[MissyM]

Cat, that is not the description of a sexual anorexic but the description of an injured spouse.  Way different issue to not want to be vulnerable with an addict.  My dBPDh has had drug addiction issues, as well.  Trying to be intimate with an active addict is like trying to be intimate with the substance they are using, really not possible.  What I came to realize about myself is that I picked someone that couldn't be intimate because I really didn't want intimacy, at that point.  When I had healed enough from my previous relationship (a year or so into my marriage), then I wanted intimacy and was gobsmacked that he wasn't capable of it.  It has been a big learning curve for my dBPDh but it has been worth it to me to stay in this marriage and work this issue out.  Not everyone has the same outcome we have.  Do you go to Alanon?  I have found a lot of strength and hope there.

[Cat Familiar]

Cat, that is not the description of a sexual anorexic but the description of an injured spouse.  Way different issue to not want to be vulnerable with an addict.  My dBPDh has had drug addiction issues, as well.  Trying to be intimate with an active addict is like trying to be intimate with the substance they are using, really not possible.  What I came to realize about myself is that I picked someone that couldn't be intimate because I really didn't want intimacy, at that point.  When I had healed enough from my previous relationship (a year or so into my marriage), then I wanted intimacy and was gobsmacked that he wasn't capable of it.  It has been a big learning curve for my dBPDh but it has been worth it to me to stay in this marriage and work this issue out.  Not everyone has the same outcome we have.  Do you go to Alanon?  I have found a lot of strength and hope there.

Missy M, thank you so much for your reply. I've gone to Alanon a couple of times, and it has felt very supportive, but I'm not a group person. My husband got really threatened when he found out I went there, which is certainly not a reason for me not to go.   We live in a fairly small town and I saw familiar faces there and I'm just not too comfortable sharing something that is so private amongst people I know in other contexts.

I've told him that his primary lover is alcohol and he's stated (in more candid moments) that it's been a friend to him at times when he didn't have other support. I thought why not talk to me (but of course he has intimacy issues). Lately he's been keeping it much more under control, and I'm really grateful for that, but it wasn't the magic bullet to repair our relationship.

I'm going to keep Formflier's advice in mind and try approaching him in the afternoons, when he's sober, and try to build more intimacy there.

Also, I'm working with a therapist and now I've gotten more strategies to deal with the BPD, I'm ready to unearth more FOO stuff and the big one is my mom's prohibition on sex. I didn't think that affected me that much, but I see I tried to delve into a lifestyle as a young person that I was not suited for (going 90 degrees from the family teachings) and then I paid the consequences big time.

Now, I want to feel comfortable with sexuality again, instead of avoiding it. Thanks for your overview--it truly is a challenge to relate to an addict in the midst of their addiction, even when they're not dysregulating.

[vortex of confusion]

Now, I want to feel comfortable with sexuality again, instead of avoiding it. Thanks for your overview--it truly is a challenge to relate to an addict in the midst of their addiction, even when they're not dysregulating.

I think one of the most damaging things that I have been dealing with is how to accept my own sexuality rather than relying on my husband to define my sexuality for me. Does that make any sense? I am not sure how to explain it. I realize that I am almost 40 and have no clue what I like or don't like because my sexuality has been expressed in the context of trying to please a sex addict.

[braveSun]

it truly is a challenge to relate to an addict in the midst of their addiction, even when they're not dysregulating.

Cat, thanks for sharing about your history and your experiences around your current h's addiction. It is indeed incredibly challenging to find a place of peace and trust with a partner w addiction.

Looking at it from another angle, using the SA recovery concept, there is a big part where the person with addiction does make amends, works at changing behaviors, and the person who's trust has been broken works on creating safety for herself in her life (assuming the h has the addiction and the w has difficulties trusting). For addiction to substances, there may not be physical betrayal, but there is still an issue of 'preferred fantasy over real connection', besides the physical effect of course. And of trust as well.

Because an addiction is essentially manifesting with compulsive behaviors, than there can be lots of feelings for 'missed opportunities', disappointment, shame, self-abandonment, etc. building up. 

One concept I personally had to work with was to allow myself to require the presence of consistent trustworthy behavior over an extended period of time, before I would engage again in physical intimacy with my SO. Allowing that space to myself is good, because it is allowing a space to clear the air and shed the cobwebs. There can be new skills to acquire, some FOO to revisit, etc... But there is also a need for a parrallel consistent effort from the partner with addiction to make conscious amends and change self-soothing behaviors to more healthy ones.

What I came to realize about myself is that I picked someone that couldn't be intimate because I really didn't want intimacy, at that point.  When I had healed enough from my previous relationship (a year or so into my marriage), then I wanted intimacy and was gobsmacked that he wasn't capable of it.

MissyM, I like that you share this point, because I can see how this can play out so easily.

Even though we may not go straight from one relationship to another and take a good break between them, we may not necessarily be 'ready' in our new changes or expectations for the next one in say a year or two of being single, because of having still the effect of the past relationship abuse in our experiential.

It takes time. And being conscious at it too.

And thanks to your persistence and diligence, you also went for it, even with the knowledge that your partner has BPD. That is really courageous!...