How does that "little twist" happen?

[AliveButBeatup]

I am nearing the end of my 34 month journey with my diagnosed BPDw. My divorce is supposed to be final next week. No shared assets. No children. Everything set for a I have nothing to do with you ever again scenario.

My question per the subject line.  How does that little twist happen?

The twist I am referring to is where you loose your footing of sanity and you start thinking you are the one with the mental issues. My wife would attend help groups and victims in the group would share their stories. And then she would come home and then the little twist happened. I was the abuser. I am the narcissist.  I am misogynistic.

One of her last e-mails I received from her after I asked her to leave was her telling me how crazy I am. It was easy for her to leave because she is leaving my world of crazy behind. How does that "little twist" happen that I am the source of the craziness?

ABB

[raisins3142]

I'm bored and can't leave for another hour, so excuse my ramblings.

In math and formal logic, if even 1 error of reasoning is allowed in, then it is possible to prove anything.  You can prove that 0=1, for instance.

That is what people often do in groups when they need "support".  They all sit and try to rationalize something for someone else so that it is not their fault and they can feel better.  Someone finds the maze like path to absolve the person, etc. and then if it is the best, that kinda settles and it and becomes the take home.  Even better if the person has a title or talks with authority.

So, I think most of it is starting with the conclusion (the twist that you are at fault) and then reasoning backward.  It's easy to do.  Heck, some people think Hitler was a good guy and innocent.

The big logical trick that is most used, I think, is confusing "is" with "ought".  What someone would like and what actually exists (or vice versa) is mixed up in one way or another.  Most of us do it sometimes, but I think BPDs are the kings with their feelings=facts.

Here's an example.

A BPD has cheated on every partner they have ever had, even like last month.  You find out and you now don't trust them.  Their crazy friends will sit around and all one has to say is some empty platitude like "everyone deserves a second chance and he should trust your word and take you as you are right now".  Holes can obviously be poked all in that, but it soothes the emotions and so everyone nods their heads and it is settled and no one dares explore so as to shred the little cover up that provided emotional relief.

The other twist I think is that crazy people will make you act crazy.  So, yeah, a BPD can make you act crazy and then not own that they really helped precipitate by their bigger or initial crazy.  Also, they often act with plausible deniability so that if you see a pattern they can always deny it or act like you flipped out of the final trigger.  For instance, I broke up with my uBPDexgf for flirting with a guy in a bar in front of me.  She thought I was massively overreacting, but she had done similar things and broke trust before and I told her about it.  Her doing it again on that night triggered me to feel "the pattern is real, it is not worth it, this will happen again, bye bye now" and then walk.  It was not about that instance altogether, but of course a BPD will make it seem like it is.

[christin5433]

I am nearing the end of my 34 month journey with my diagnosed BPDw. My divorce is supposed to be final next week. No shared assets. No children. Everything set for a I have nothing to do with you ever again scenario.

My question per the subject line.  How does that little twist happen?

The twist I am referring to is where you loose your footing of sanity and you start thinking you are the one with the mental issues. My wife would attend help groups and victims in the group would share their stories. And then she would come home and then the little twist happened. I was the abuser. I am the narcissist.  I am misogynistic.

One of her last e-mails I received from her after I asked her to leave was her telling me how crazy I am. It was easy for her to leave because she is leaving my world of crazy behind. How does that "little twist" happen that I am the source of the craziness?

ABB

I'm glad you shared this. Everytime my ex went to T, to special help meetings , close friends to talk about things, Ect. I dreaded I could be outside doing yard work or shed call on her way home. Then the bombing would start. Somehow someone validated her crazy and I was her problem. If I ever went to work on myself I'd always come home ready to be a better person? She's ask how my meeting was and wed have stimulating conversation . I dreaded anyone towards the end that she spoke text and such . I guess my trust was on its last drop towards the end. You can't trust someone who always wants to destroy what you build together.

[cloudten]

I don't know... .but I am having one of those days where I actually feel like I am the crazy one. Crazy for being untrusting, crazy for wanting a real/healthy relationship, crazy for standing up for myself.  I actually hate the word crazy now, but today I feel it.  Too much of his crazy rubbed off on me.  I don't know where that little twist happens... .but I do know that it goes away when the pwBPD goes away. The projections are one of the most painful thing I have experienced. And to think that the things he accused me of are exactly what he was actually doing is the most horrifying part.

You will breathe again soon! You are very fortunate that you have no ties to her. Good luck!

[clydegriffith]

The BPDx used to try to flip the script on me so to speak and say i was the crazy one and she still does it. Initially i would outline various INSANE things she's done and pretty much say "hey, you did X and Y, that's pretty crazy. I've never done anything like that nor am i capable of such". After a while you come to find out that doing that is like talking to a brick a wall and you just end up driving yourself crazy hence the twist.

Whenever she does that now i just laugh it off.

[CloseToFreedom]

The twist happened around 1,5 in our relationship. I was drunk, she was drunk, we were out, and at the end of the night she started acting all b___y. I just snapped after all these stupid mindgames. I got angry, she actually went to a policeman that was standing closeby acting like I was dangerous or something. Next day I went to therapy for the first time, i truly thought I was going insane and mistreating her. Well I kinda was mistreating her, but it was a sympton of hanging out with crazy for too long.

Month after we broke up and it was the first time I felt like I was addicted and obsessed with her instead of the other way around. We had many recycles after, and many stable and happy periods. But that night was probably the twist in our relationship where I felt like I should take the blame for all the terrible things that happened in our relationship

[christin5433]

The twist is called BPD. I'm still feeling and my thoughts are very warped. I mean that way your ex told you I'm getting out of crazy ville meaning you! I had same thing mine is for sure abusive dramatic impulsive tantrum thrower ... .Ect.

But she said I'm leaving even though I already accepted her threat of leaving a common thing she did when mad, is threaten... She said this is a toxic r/s.

I didn't even respond . In my head I though. Really you finally see that? The jab was she was saying Im her reason for being toxic . I have had to endure this constant blame, projection, smear campaign. Threats. While w her. Now post I need to get ok and grieve ... .Seek T. And retrain my thoughts by discussing here on this site ...  Good friends support. Change is inevitable . It's all downhill from here on out. She shattered me and drove me crazy but I have a chance act as if ...  Not crazy ...  U will then just act.

[AliveButBeatup]

I am sure others have received similar messages to this one. Here is one of her last messages to me with her "little twist". This was about 2 weeks after I asked her to move out. She was on a dating web site within 5 days after she moved.

"I hope you can live with your last episode. I know now how crazy you are and happy to say I feel totally justified.

I forgive you and have met a great guy in the process. He is awesome and wonderful... .

Thank you so much.

I am scheduled marry pretty soon so please have those papers come soon. I look forward to cocooning with my love.

Give my regards to the girls (my cats). Tell them I miss them but not you.

Regards P"

My last episode was me telling her to get moved out after she starting calling my business colleagues to smear my name.

ABB

[eeks]

In a strange way I'm glad I had experiences with two different uBPD people (one former friend, one former relationship) because I can see that even though their behaviours and the pattern was somewhat different, the overall "motif" was in common, and that that allows me to be a bit more detached than I might otherwise, i.e. "This is the disorder, not an issue with me."

In the case of the friend I began to notice contradictory requests for behaviour (if she is talking about an emotions and I respond, I am not letting her hear her "inner voice", but if she is talking about an emotion and I don't respond, then I don't care about her).  I told her I was unable to meet all of her needs (which is a perfectly acceptable thing to say to another adult) and she sends me this big long email response. I skimmed it, and I couldn't even read the whole thing, it just went on and on and on, but I saw words like "cold" and "callous".  

Even now, months later, that still hurts, to the extent that even typing the above words makes me want to lash back with sarcasm, "What, I'm big bad Eeks because I don't want to be your ideal mommy 24/7?"  I'm not sure what it is about the BPD accusations that makes them so convincing. Maybe it's that they genuinely believe their own act, that is, "feelings=facts" means that they actually believe that by not meeting their needs, you have done something immoral.

In the case of the ex the can't win situation was me being accused of all sorts of selfish motives, when everything he was saying was, to me, blatantly hypocritical, but of course there was no getting that across even though I stuck to the facts.

Even though I knew I couldn't win either of these battles, and definitely asked myself questions, where we "get sucked in", maybe, is that we want to be caring people, and, to a reasonable extent, adapt our behaviour to meet others' needs (trusting that in a mature adult relationship the other will reciprocate).  So, when this person who SEEMS so intelligent and astutely observant is absolutely convinced that what you have done is wrong, wrong, wrong... .and how badly you HURT them... .our conscientiousness, and innocence perhaps ("... .I  would not act this way towards someone unless what they had done was really bad, so what I have done must have been really bad?" kicks in, and that's the "twist" right there.

I also admit that upon meeting both of these people, I had hopes that they could be the sort I could enter a "conscious friendship/relationship" with, where we are companions along the personal growth/healing path, and we offer compassion to one another, and we know that we will challenge each other but it is in the working through of that that we will learn and grow.  (I have anxiety disorder, personal issues of my own that I am addressing.)  It sounds absurd in retrospect, maybe, but they not only seemed like the type who were capable (intelligent, introspective, sensitive, aware of emotions) they expressed, maybe not in those words, that that was what they wanted!  Ooo that could've been mirroring 'cause they knew that was what I wanted... .yuck.  

After reflecting on this, I wonder if pwBPD (consciously or unconsciously) "test" people for the purposes of "grooming" them.  That's a scary thought.  The "tests" start early in the relationship when they portray themselves as the innocent victim, I'm so sensitive and caring and just not suited for such a cruel world, I keep getting let down by those closest to me.  This may well be an accurate portrayal of their abusive childhood (the more I read about this disorder, the more tragic I realize it is), but the problem is, if you believe their story and feel empathy for them, you get cast in their script as the "saviour parent" who is going to make everything better, which sets you up for a fall when you prove (as you inevitably will) that you are human.

And then the testing continues, as in the case of my friend, the innocuous behaviour requests (I thought it was innocuous, but maybe it was a test to see how far I would go), or my ex, who... .I now realize that he made quite a number of comments that I interpreted as odd, or I would think to myself, "what is he telling me that for?", or I responded literally (in other words the insult part went right over my head) but that were maybe actually intended as put-downs, or to make me feel jealous, in any case about control, and to see how far he could go.  One such incident, after we were not dating anymore (he was the one who broke it off with me) but he knew or at least should have known I still had feelings for him, based on our recent interactions.  He tells me about this woman he felt such a "connection" with right away (which is what he had told me, and that what he felt with me was rare?).  I didn't react, and at the time I felt like I had betrayed myself by not being honest about my feelings, but if he was trying to get a reaction out of me maybe not reacting was actually for the best.

On the other hand, he cut off communication with me (but not without getting in a few parting shots) after I told him that an ex of mine was going to be in town next month!  (All I said was "in town", so he wouldn't even know, is he coming here to visit me?  is he going to see me at all?  are there still any feelings there?  he doesn't know a thing) My mom thinks he did that because if I have another guy visiting, that means I have other input into my life (possibly someone who will not only say kind things about me, but also dispute what BPDex has said) and so BPDex doesn't control the agenda anymore.  If that's true, that is REALLY REALLY scary.

So maybe what happens is, the BPD behaviours violate the unwritten expectations in mature adult relationships (or at least I have these expectations) about reciprocity, and a willingness to at least try to practice what one preaches.  But somehow, through a particular combination of the pwBPD being a master at controlling and manipulation, and our particular vulnerabilities (no blame here, either on them or us, the point is to learn from it) we get drawn in.  After all, some people might respond to the BPD victim stories with "I'm not your f***ing therapist" and if the pwBPD responds with how unjust and harsh that is, they would respond "enough of this drama, I'm out of here"  And I'm not saying that's a correct response, (I can't imagine saying that to someone who was suffering), but someone who responds like that might not even get involved with the pwBPD in the first place.

[eeks]

I am sure others have received similar messages to this one. Here is one of her last messages to me with her "little twist". This was about 2 weeks after I asked her to move out. She was on a dating web site within 5 days after she moved.

"I hope you can live with your last episode. I know now how crazy you are and happy to say I feel totally justified.

I forgive you and have met a great guy in the process. He is awesome and wonderful... .

Thank you so much.

I am scheduled marry pretty soon so please have those papers come soon. I look forward to cocooning with my love.

Give my regards to the girls (my cats). Tell them I miss them but not you.

Regards P"

My last episode was me telling her to get moved out after she starting calling my business colleagues to smear my name.

ABB

Yep.  It wasn't to tell me how great his life was, but similar tone. 

You do realize how insecure and childish her message sounds?  Like what kind of person needs to try to rub it in like this?  I'm not invalidating your feelings, it seems clearly designed to hurt you and you may well be feeling hurt, but when she is using this tone, I strongly suspect lying/exaggeration.

[eeks]

How does that "little twist" happen that I am the source of the craziness?

ABB

I've been very long-winded but I think maybe I should've stuck to this simple point.  The pwBPD, in a sense, MUST label you as the source of the craziness, for her own survival.  From what I have read, BPD symptoms are developed by the person as a way of avoiding the intolerable threat of abandonment by an abusive or neglectful caregiver during early childhood.  If she were to identify HERSELF as the source of the craziness, that exposes the self-protective defenses, and if she feels like those aren't there to protect her anymore, the looming spectre of... .non-existence? death? a void?  I don't know what it's like to feel like you don't have a separate autonomous self, but I imagine it must be very terrifying and unbearable.  (So much so that sabotaging their own intimacy and hurting others seems less pain in comparison.)

[AliveButBeatup]

I know of course she is embellishing. The message is from a woman in her 50's. To use someone else's words from the site --- a perpetual child.  What emotionally person writes like that?  It looks like it was written by a 12 year old girl. And that might be an insult to some 12 year old girls who are more emotionally mature than that.

As my T says, at some point you've had enough and you push yourself away from the table. It took me just about 32 months.  Others are out in days. And others it takes years. But at some point, almost every non says I've had enough.

ABB

[Infared]

After reading all the posts I am left with this sad feeling about all the love that I had for this person.  :)eep caring feelings of love and protection. In the end none of it was validated, acknowledged or from what I can see, even noticed. As a matter of fact (after she had new supply) I was told in the voice of a child how I had not loved her.  When I told her that the vacation I was planning near the abrupt end of our relationship that I was going to ask her to marry me... .she just denies that was the truth... therefore absolving her of any responsibility regarding our relationship. She just dismisses it... .I cannot tell you how much pain that that causes me. ... but in her little-girl's mind if she simply dismisses it then of course it didn't happen and my feelings were not real... .absolving her of any responsibility or fault. The dismissal continues her narrative that I never loved her which she must have and believe to absolve herself and walk off. I was the cause of all issues or problems and now that she has a new supply to worship I was just demeaned and discarded.  It was extremely immature, gruesomely cruel and just left me with this deep, deep internal sadness that my genuineness, honesty and faithfulness were never considered, let alone cherished.   Little kids stop adorning the frog that they brought home on a whim... .adults don't act this way.   The feelings of emptiness that I lived with after that treatment almost killed me.

It is unsettling to know the viscous coldness that BPD's are capable of... .coupled with this behavior is the fact that it is being dished from this childlike waif... .it is twisted... .really twisted.

[findingmyselfagain]

Hmmmm, I've been out of my r/s for going on 5 years and it still confuses the heck out of me. Looking back I feel like the "little twist" is there in some form from the beginning. I can't speak for everyone here, but I fell for the love-bombs and the romance and seduction. I ignored the red flags and just decided to take her at face value, disregarding the history. Truthfully the fights we had didn't make much sense, and they started early on. The first I can remember is one of the first times we hung out and she grilled me for about an hour about why I drank my entire frappe from Starbucks. I was scratching my head then, and probably should have detached then.

One of the reasons I feel like the break happens is because the relationship is failing after so much strain on the non, and they literally cannot take any responsibility because of the black/white thinking. So, it ends up becoming somehow our fault though it's likely we worked hard to keep the r/s alive, or the r/s was actually going ok, but the intimacy triggers them.

The articles here are pretty accurate. I wish I hadn't spent so much time grieving and figuring things out. I guess that's life though. I'm in a healthier place, stronger, and with a healthier partner. So, was it worth it? I don't know, but it's definitely made me a different person.

[christin5433]

Yes I agree. The extra rub in a open wound is just there traits. I know my ex couldn't just get me to hurt she wanted to make sure I was totally ruined. I think after her episode this Christmas and her smear campaign, threats , and she even pulled a police walk thru after I had put all her belongings in storage . I mean you would think I was a murderer? I got to say I never reacted during her grand finale. I knew she'd enjoy too much . They love drama during their tantrums. Those texts are just to see if it will make you talk or show concern or they just want to make u suffer. I'm getting immune to this because I'm learning so much here. It's a mental disorder. It's not suppose to make sense to the normal person. I look at all texts or calls a lie now. It was all a lie. I was real and I lived w a liar it's part of their illness .

[christin5433]

Hmmmm, I've been out of my r/s for going on 5 years and it still confuses the heck out of me. Looking back I feel like the "little twist" is there in some form from the beginning. I can't speak for everyone here, but I fell for the love-bombs and the romance and seduction. I ignored the red flags and just decided to take her at face value, disregarding the history. Truthfully the fights we had didn't make much sense, and they started early on. The first I can remember is one of the first times we hung out and she grilled me for about an hour about why I drank my entire frappe from Starbucks. I was scratching my head then, and probably should have detached then.

One of the reasons I feel like the break happens is because the relationship is failing after so much strain on the non, and they literally cannot take any responsibility because of the black/white thinking. So, it ends up becoming somehow our fault though it's likely we worked hard to keep the r/s alive, or the r/s was actually going ok, but the intimacy triggers them.

The articles here are pretty accurate. I wish I hadn't spent so much time grieving and figuring things out. I guess that's life though. I'm in a healthier place, stronger, and with a healthier partner. So, was it worth it? I don't know, but it's definitely made me a different person.

I agree is it worth it to figure it all out. Take what u need to move on and learn what you need to get past the massacre of your r/s.  I bought into the love the family and ignored the red flags too. My lesson. I know I have changed too. I'm grieving... .But in just a month I'm actually gonna be glad when I bury this dead topic BPD. I really do love this web site it's been my saving grace great for coping

[fromheeltoheal]

Part of BPD is persecution, which comes out of an owning of the abuse and/or neglect that created the disorder to begin with, and the shame that goes with it; life sucks, it's the borderline's fault, and their parent's voice, which has become the critical parent voice in their own head, confirms it constantly, which creates emotions the borderline can't tolerate or soothe, so the tools show up.  If you're the scumbag the shame goes away.  The other piece is the "twist" where the admirer becomes the admired, as the fantasy of the idealization fades and the facade crumbles, and the borderline becomes the full-time project.  Insidious in its pace a persistence, we go insane, somehow we break free or get broken free, and here we are, couple more wrinkles, ready to take the wisdom forward into the life of our dreams.  My story, I'm stickin' to it... .

[cloudten]

Maybe it's their goal to make you more crazy than they are so that they feel better about themselves. 

[CloseToFreedom]

After reading all the posts I am left with this sad feeling about all the love that I had for this person.  :)eep caring feelings of love and protection. In the end none of it was validated, acknowledged or from what I can see, even noticed. As a matter of fact (after she had new supply) I was told in the voice of a child how I had not loved her.  When I told her that the vacation I was planning near the abrupt end of our relationship that I was going to ask her to marry me... .she just denies that was the truth... therefore absolving her of any responsibility regarding our relationship. She just dismisses it... .I cannot tell you how much pain that that causes me. ... but in her little-girl's mind if she simply dismisses it then of course it didn't happen and my feelings were not real... .absolving her of any responsibility or fault. The dismissal continues her narrative that I never loved her which she must have and believe to absolve herself and walk off. I was the cause of all issues or problems and now that she has a new supply to worship I was just demeaned and discarded.  It was extremely immature, gruesomely cruel and just left me with this deep, deep internal sadness that my genuineness, honesty and faithfulness were never considered, let alone cherished.   Little kids stop adorning the frog that they brought home on a whim... .adults don't act this way.   The feelings of emptiness that I lived with after that treatment almost killed me.

It is unsettling to know the viscous coldness that BPD's are capable of... .coupled with this behavior is the fact that it is being dished from this childlike waif... .it is twisted... .really twisted.

I was also planning to ask her to marry me at the end of last year. When I told her that after the break up she thought I made that up. Jeez... .

[Gonzalo]

I don't think it's accurate to call it a 'little twist'. It's not just one little thing getting changed around in a specific way, it's a pervasive campaign of them making you the bad guy to protect themselves from any feelings of guilt. It permeates everything in the relationship, even little things like deciding what to have for dinner or reading someone else's dumb or dramatic comment online and discussing what you think. You've learned and been told that you should trust your partner, and the pBPD really, truly believes what they're saying, so you start to internalize it, even if you're filing some things away as 'that doesn't seem right, I'll talk about that when we're not emotional'.

For me, searching for information on why I was feeling crazy and why our conversations and arguments seemed to have no basis in reality is what first led me to suspect BPD. It wasn't "I think she's crazy, lets support it" it was "I feel like I'm crazy, let me sort out why".

[downwhim]

The final little twist for me happened when I got an email ending our relationship and was told I am a drama queen. Now, I had finally set a boundary. When he went into a rage I would leave. I told him I no longer wanted to be the recipient of his anger. So, he twisted it, I started the drama because of my new boundary.

He hates me because it is all my fault. He like other BPD's does not take any responsibility for his own acts. He can blame, shame and try and make me feel bad for his behavior. That was the twist in our r/s. 

[Suzn]

The twist I am referring to is where you loose your footing of sanity and you start thinking you are the one with the mental issues.

This happens when our self doubt kicks in. Being in one of these relationships, with everything we've witnessed and I have to add, been a part of, has residual effect. Most are left trying to make sense of irrational conversations and behavior.

We all have "issues", every one of us, otherwise we wouldn't be here on these boards. I think raisins has a very good point of confusing what "is" with "ought". We have expectations, we expect our partners to be faithful and to be capable of reciprocity. Problem is when we start seeing signs of the opposite we ignored them. For whatever reason, our own issues step in, whether it be low self esteem or wanting a family we never had. Lest we forget the level of emotional immaturity.

If we want to grow from this experience we will dig a little deeper into our own issues and look for ways we can "grow up" so that we can easily recognize those that haven't in the future. The capacity for that recognition is a welcome and somewhat surprising side effect of this growth.

This doesn't mean that our own "issues" magically disappear. We all have our own core beliefs and those beliefs affect our thoughts and actions. Getting to know yourself and finding what your core beliefs are can only benefit your growth. This is why you hear so often spend some time alone after ending your relationship. Learning to accept what "is" is hard looking at our exs but it can be especially so when we start looking into our own reasons behind why we stayed.

[JRT]

When I read 'eggshells', I think that they referred to this sort of thing as standard behavior as part of the acrimony of a BPD relationship and especially the b/u. Mine blocked contact so I am not sure what she is saying to paint me black (but I know that she is). A relative was still friends with her son who referred to me to her as 'psycho'. This made me laugh of course but it really dovetails with the expectation: its the non that has the mental problem!

[dobie]

As soon as she knew she had me about 3 years ago into a 6.5 year r/s we had a big fight I really exploded my rage and behaviours out of control she was going to leave unless I cleaned my act up.  I did but it was never enough the trust and love was dead or dying from that point in .I was triangulated with her npd\BPD father as well and that disapproval from him was the beginning of the end . She had the upper hand from that point on and she wielded it like a tyrant .

[AliveButBeatup]

The final little twist for me happened when I got an email ending our relationship and was told I am a drama queen. Now, I had finally set a boundary. When he went into a rage I would leave. I told him I no longer wanted to be the recipient of his anger. So, he twisted it, I started the drama because of my new boundary.

He hates me because it is all my fault. He like other BPD's does not take any responsibility for his own acts. He can blame, shame and try and make me feel bad for his behavior. That was the twist in our r/s. 

I have thought about this for awhile and I think the twists happens where they have lost control of you. The boundary. You saying enough. Me asking her to leave. Yes, there was drama in that event itself. However all of the hours and hours of episodes that preceded that are very conveniently forgotten about and erased.

ABB

[cloudten]

I have thought about this for awhile and I think the twists happens where they have lost control of you.

Huh- I can see that as being the case.

[christin5433]

The final little twist for me happened when I got an email ending our relationship and was told I am a drama queen. Now, I had finally set a boundary. When he went into a rage I would leave. I told him I no longer wanted to be the recipient of his anger. So, he twisted it, I started the drama because of my new boundary.

He hates me because it is all my fault. He like other BPD's does not take any responsibility for his own acts. He can blame, shame and try and make me feel bad for his behavior. That was the twist in our r/s. 

haha so did I got called drama or I was the one who loved drama ? Talk about gas lighting and projection . It's hard to not get defensive but by the end I had no more to give not even a reaction or a defense. Just said ok. Now when are you leaving ... .the drama wasn't me the only thing I was unconsciously doing out of my own self preservation was a boundary . They can call you whatever it's not reality it's only their perception. No remorse no apology just attacks to break you in pieces. I know I wasn't drama . For a fact.

[fromheeltoheal]

It's hard to not get defensive but by the end I had no more to give not even a reaction or a defense. Just said ok.

Wanna make a borderline explode?  At the end, after one of her more enthusiastic rages, I just calmly said "Blah... ., blah... ., blah... .".  WooHoo!  I think I literally saw steam come out of her ears.  Pure self preservation on my part as well, and the thing that pissed her off the most was the fact she'd completely lost all control and influence over me.  No place to go from there but far, far away.

[raisins3142]

I don't think it's accurate to call it a 'little twist'. It's not just one little thing getting changed around in a specific way, it's a pervasive campaign of them making you the bad guy to protect themselves from any feelings of guilt. It permeates everything in the relationship, even little things like deciding what to have for dinner or reading someone else's dumb or dramatic comment online and discussing what you think. You've learned and been told that you should trust your partner, and the pBPD really, truly believes what they're saying, so you start to internalize it, even if you're filing some things away as 'that doesn't seem right, I'll talk about that when we're not emotional'.

For me, searching for information on why I was feeling crazy and why our conversations and arguments seemed to have no basis in reality is what first led me to suspect BPD. It wasn't "I think she's crazy, lets support it" it was "I feel like I'm crazy, let me sort out why".

Example from my r/s:

She started out by commenting on how stable I am.  She also told me "i'm crazy and emotional and trying really hard to keep it under control right now, but you will see it eventually".  And I was dumb enough to think it couldn't be that bad.

Fast forward 6 months, and she is calling me crazy and unstable and thinks she has the high ground.  Simply, I allowed her to drive me crazy, and she did.

The twist in their own mind (thinking they are not the problem but you are) also comes about by their editing of the past.  Mine alluded to many things in her past that she can't tell me about but knows she must tell me about one day, and she cried bitterly as I held her.  I referred back to that a few days later, and she said something along the lines of "no, I've told you all the major, important stuff".  BS.  I'm sure she is editing things now so that when I got upset over her withdrawing from me and flirting with other men, I was simply insecure and controlling and she was just doing innocent things everyone does, etc.

[raisins3142]

Another reason why we start to feel crazy, besides the obvious of they start to drive us crazy, is similar to a phenomenon I've read with psychology students.  They often start thinking they have multiple mental illnesses when they do not.  They read about these things and they empathize and can see mild traits of themselves in each.

So, we hung out with a crazy person and tried to understand them.  A big way to understand others is to try to fit their behavior into your own mental spaces, to try to understand why they are doing things, etc. using yourself as a model, since we know ourselves pretty well usually.

So, we identify with some bad behaviors because maybe we have a tinge of it

My uBPDexgf lied about her past all the time.  Have I ever lied about my past?  Sure.  But the scale is an order of magnitude off.

Then I read about BPD and some of those traits can be found in most people to some minor degree.  I don't have BPD though.  But thinking about mental illness so long is sometimes unhealthy.