Is being dumped and completely cut off a hallmark of BPD?

[Hazelrah]

Tim300:

Your below quote:

"PwBPD are on such emotional rollercoasters, it's difficult to tell what strategy might work when.  Sometimes a pwBPD might want to communicate with you but for one of various reasons won't want to be the one initiating (e.g., doesn't want to hurt you, is afraid that you have lost interest or that she's not good enough for you, etc.).  So, I would say, sometimes not reaching out is the best way to establish communication with her; but sometimes reaching out is the best way.  If someone is nonresponsive after a series of attempts from you, I would just give it a break and maybe send an email for a birthday or holiday at a much later date."

I agree with your position here.  NC is such a passive aggressive game that should be left back in junior high.

You're dammed if you do and you are dammed if you don't... .mine unblocked me on her phone on xmas eve when I checked it... .i then called her and she immediately hung up... .then the police called me! Ya just can't win... .

It's been said before here, but it bears repeating... .the real value in NC is using it as means of beginning our healing process--use this time for YOURSELF.  It is time best spent gaining perspective, releasing the steam valve if you will, and letting our emotions begin to subside/stabilize, if only a little.  When NC is used solely as a ploy to somehow 'bring the pwBPD back', we are giving too much power to the other person... .we aren't using NC for it's true inherent value.  It's also a little passive-aggressive in and of itself.

If we're 4, 5, 6 months into NC, and we're still in the same intense cycle of rumination we were in the early stages of the break-up, let's start to give ourselves some much needed love.  Let's take a look at our own behavior, ask questions of ourselves, maybe even look into the possibility of therapy if we are still swept up in the throes of despair.  You may find that, even if the pwBPD miraculously appears (which is not a given), we may be in a strong enough position in which we no longer wish to deal with their shenanigans... .at the very least, we'll be of a stronger mind to deal with them directly, should we choose to do so.

[JRT]

that was the 3 month mark for me... .I think that it was natural for me to reach out... .the thing about it is (and I realize that it may never happen) is that adequate closure for me would involves contact... .even if it is acrimonious.

[downwhim]

Yep, 8 years wasted with this disordered person. I have been N/C going on 4 months now. It has not been an easy road but I see how I have changed and am growing. I am not on FB and view it as a "social showoff" with painful repercussions.

My exBPD fiancé contacts me via hacking into my computer and zipping up files he sent me. He also looked me up on a dating website so he could see the pictures and then got upset about them. Thus me going into my picture folders to realize they were all gone. He had sent them to me over the past few years( zipped in my computer for no access). Now, tell me he did not do this? He was in the software field for over 20 years and who else would care? That is his way of contact. Negative and mean.

[Jack2727]

I think the hardest thing for me is trying to think like a BPD. I can't. That is why I will never understand her and why she did the things she did.

I've been spending the last few weeks trying to take some good out of the relationship I was in. It's really hard to do so but I guess if I could take something positive, as you all should, I am free now to pursue someone eventually who will be mentally balanced.

It's hard though. She was beautiful and had many of the elements I wanted to have in a potential wife -- on paper.

That's what is crazy about this! On paper, E was what I wanted to a tee. Once, however, our relationship developed, or stalled because of her illness, all those things on paper seemed to be maligned by the way she truly is.

I do think about her a lot. I know I will and probably someday I will hear from her again. It's just sad that she wasnt mentally balanced. Everyday it seems to get better but I do miss her!

[JRT]

resonates with me as well... .mine had almost all of the things that I wanted. I felt that finally; THIS is THE one! ... .we actually had a very good relationship (we didn't argue... .she didn't rage)... .my next one will be a LOT like her... .just hoping that I can avoid the PD this time as well!

[Restored2]

JRT:  There seems to be a lot of "damning" going on with "winning" being a challenge indeed.  I don't believe it to be ever a lost cause though.

Hazelraw: You expressed this very well.  Thank you.

I fail to see NC as contributing to any healing process when there never was any proper closure from the relationship though.  This is where real healing needs to begin, not from abrupt abandonment, cut off and blocking with running away.  I see NC as total passivity and not how two mature adults who professed their love for one another should handle any relationship issues.

I do agree with your perspective on getting healing, "some much needed love" as you put it, for ourselves in order to be stronger to deal with however it all plays out with the BPD person.  We need to be healed for ourselves before even reconsidering getting back together again with a BPD person or considering another new relationship.  This is empowerment.

[Leaving]

Being disposed of so easily is very much a symptom of BPD especially if they also had NPD.  Sometimes even with NPD, they will become quite hysterical for a brief moment or time but then suddenly snap out of that and become cold as ice from then on. We as individuals were invisible to them.  they only saw us as objects who had something they could use- personality traits and emotions that they could mimic for others.  It's very strange and creepy.  I feel very violated and touched by something dirty and subhuman.

[Hazelrah]

JRT:  There seems to be a lot of "damning" going on with "winning" being a challenge indeed.  I don't believe it to be ever a lost cause though.

Hazelraw: You expressed this very well.  Thank you.

I fail to see NC as contributing to any healing process when there never was any proper closure from the relationship though.  This is where real healing needs to begin, not from abrupt abandonment, cut off and blocking with running away.  I see NC as total passivity and not how two mature adults who professed their love for one another should handle any relationship issues.

I do agree with your perspective on getting healing, "some much needed love" as you put it, for ourselves in order to be stronger to deal with however it all plays out with the BPD person.  We need to be healed for ourselves before even reconsidering getting back together again with a BPD person or considering another new relationship.  This is empowerment.

What you describe above is ideal, and something to aspire to…but it is generally only achievable in a relationship that involved two well-adjusted adults.  Throw in BPD and the idea of mature, rational, heartfelt discussion is usually not possible—chasing it for many is fruitless and, worse yet, very painful.  When the experienced people here discuss NC, it isn’t meant to be a spiteful, childish act.  It isn’t acting passively.  Choosing  NC when the person you’re attempting to contact... .

-Actively blocks your advances/attempts at contact

-Calls the police on you

-Screams at you

-Rages at you

-Hides from you

-Causes you immense pain when you do eventually gain contact

... .isn’t a passive act at all…it's self-preservation. 

[Restored2]

Hazelrah: During our relationship she responded in "mature, rational, heartfelt discussion", which is why all of this is so baffling to me in the aftermath of her abrupt departure.  It doesn't make any sense at all.  We usually can predict future behavior and outcomes from past history of behavior and outcomes. 

Does this not apply to BPD people?

[JRT]

Mine kinda did as well... .Well, except she never discussed her inner most feelings... .otherwise, she was perfectly rational. It really throws me off the BPD suspicion.

[Leaving]

JRT:  There seems to be a lot of "damning" going on with "winning" being a challenge indeed.  I don't believe it to be ever a lost cause though.

Hazelraw: You expressed this very well.  Thank you.

I fail to see NC as contributing to any healing process when there never was any proper closure from the relationship though.  This is where real healing needs to begin, not from abrupt abandonment, cut off and blocking with running away.  I see NC as total passivity and not how two mature adults who professed their love for one another should handle any relationship issues.

I do agree with your perspective on getting healing, "some much needed love" as you put it, for ourselves in order to be stronger to deal with however it all plays out with the BPD person.  We need to be healed for ourselves before even reconsidering getting back together again with a BPD person or considering another new relationship.  This is empowerment.

What you describe above is ideal, and something to aspire to…but it is generally only achievable in a relationship that involved two well-adjusted adults.  Throw in BPD and the idea of mature, rational, heartfelt discussion is usually not possible—chasing it for many is fruitless and, worse yet, very painful.  When the experienced people here discuss NC, it isn’t meant to be a spiteful, childish act.  It isn’t acting passively.  Choosing  NC when the person you’re attempting to contact... .

-Actively blocks your advances/attempts at contact

-Calls the police on you

-Screams at you

-Rages at you

-Hides from you

-Causes you immense pain when you do eventually gain contact

... .isn’t a passive act at all…it's self-preservation. 

DITTO to Hazelrah's response.  No Contact is absolutely necessary at least for a significant period of time in order for us to become healthy and strong again.  I did NC with my mother for over ten years and it's the only thing that saved me and FYI, my therapist recommended the NC which was difficult for her to do since it was my mother and I didn't have a father.  So, I was left parentless for ten years.  I do talk to my mother now but our relationship is completely different.  I wouldn't hesitate to reinstall the NC if she becomes abusive or I begin to feel uncomfortable around her.  My husband is a bit more difficult to avoid because we own a business together at the moment but, even so, I really make every effort to remain aloof and detached from him and I avoid engaging in anything personal.  I tell him nothing about my personal life and don't want to know anything about his.  

[Hazelrah]

Hazelrah: During our relationship she responded in "mature, rational, heartfelt discussion", which is why all of this is so baffling to me in the aftermath of her abrupt departure.  It doesn't make any sense at all.  We usually can predict future behavior and outcomes from past history of behavior and outcomes. 

Does this not apply to BPD people?

Precisely.  In a relationship with a pwBPD, the behavior we’ve come to expect in the early stages (and fall in love with), is NOT a predictor of future/end of relationship behavior.  The only way to really predict their future behavior is to already have an intimate knowledge of how a ‘typical’ BPD relationship evolves.  If you had this knowledge at the beginning, would the likely inevitable pain that was coming your way have been worth it?

Of course it is confusing—if your person really does suffer from BPD, you are trying to evaluate a disordered person’s behavior through a non-disordered lens (yours).  Believe me, I understand just how maddening this all is. 

You’re asking good questions—keep doing it!

[Restored2]

Leaving: Thank you for sharing your personal experience.  Your relationship with your husband sounds beyond heartbreaking and challenging.  It's like being in a relationship with someone who is your roommate and business partner.  How very sad.

Hazelrah: Thank you for your affirmative and encouraging words.  Much appreciated.

Hindsight is 20/20.  If I had of known what I was dealing with on the BPD level I would have kept her at arms length as only a friend and would never have gotten involved in the romantic relationship with her that I did.

Your quote:

"Of course it is confusing—if your person really does suffer from BPD, you are trying to evaluate a disordered person’s behavior through a non-disordered lens (yours).  Believe me, I understand just how maddening this all is."

Based on the traits that match BPD, why would there be any question as to whether they suffer from BPD? 

[hurting300]

Hazelrah: During our relationship she responded in "mature, rational, heartfelt discussion", which is why all of this is so baffling to me in the aftermath of her abrupt departure.  It doesn't make any sense at all.  We usually can predict future behavior and outcomes from past history of behavior and outcomes. 

Does this not apply to BPD people?

even people with BPD have a pattern.

[downwhim]

Honestly I think N/C saved me. What was I suppose to do when he would not talk. Silent treatment, letter stating our engagement is over. He didn't want to get personal anymore he said. So, if I continued to try and talk to him, drive by his house, knock on his door, I know him. He would have gotten a restraining order on me!

Going N/C I could focus on me, look at what happened, study BPD behaviors and calm myself down from the intensity. He was projecting all of his guilt, shame and anger on me. I could hardly function.

Self preservation is exactly what I think N/C is.

[cosmonaut]

Yes, unfortunately, it is fairly common.  I went through this exact same sad story.  My ex abruptly ended our relationship after 2 years and I haven't heard from her since.  She has completely and totally disappeared.  It's very much like she died.  I'm sorry you are going through this too.  I know how much it hurts and how it seems to turn everything you thought you knew about life inside out.  It has been the hardest, darkest, most painful experience of my life.  I'm sorry that you too have to deal with this.

It's indeed very hard to understand this behavior, because it is not based on a rational belief system.  It stems from the deeply held belief of pwBPD that no one will ever really love them and that they will always be abandoned.  They are convinced of this inevitability, and thus they are on eternal guard for any sign of it.  These are profound and terrifying fears for pwBPD.  As you can imagine, this state of constant vigilance and fear produces enormous anxiety.  Imagine knowing that someone is going to punch you as hard as they can today, but you don't know when and you don't know who.  As the day goes along you become more and more agitated as you keep expecting this hit to come.  You start to become increasingly suspicious and jumpy about anyone who gets close to you.  This must be something of what it feels like to be a pwBPD who is absolutely convinced that they are defective and broken and no one can ever love them - that they will always end up betrayed and alone.   So, after a while they reach the point where they can't bear the agony of waiting to be abandoned anymore, and they rip the cord out themselves.  They tragically fulfill their own prophecy, and it is entirely due to their deeply disordered beliefs.

[JRT]

Cosmo... .great analogy that you provided and provides me with the best understanding of this from her perspective so far. I can't tell you how sad I feel that this is the case with them especially when the one thing that they crave so desperately is the thing that they destroy. ... .your story sounds a lot like mine... .she disappeared while I was away then blocked me and I have not heard from her since... .how long has your been NC? Why is the aversion so profoundly potentially painful for them?

[Infared]

Hi.

I think the hardest thing for me is trying to comprehend how my ex could just drop me. Is that commonplace with BPDs? Are they able to drop someone and go straight into NC? And do BPDs usually make sure they have a replacement lined up before doing so?

I don't have any proof but my gut tells me my ex had someone lined up. She was supposed to spend the Christmas holidays with me and my family. She came here and left the next day. With the exception of one phone call and a few text messages it have been final.

Just wondering if this behavior is commonplace.

Thanks guys and gals!

That was definitely my experience. Mine ran off after a five year live-in relationship a week before Christmas (not this past Christmas). Like U I was dumbfounded... .and in my case it was a planned event and she was running off to a new relationship that she was already in leaving me feeding her cats and putting up a Christmas Tree by myself. I was totally clueless and confused. I slowly overcame "some" of my denial and was able to see through a lot of the lies and see what had happened. This was a very common repeating pattern for her. BTW, this scenario is common with BPD's, I was blamed for all of her behavior and there appeared to be absolutely no guilt or remorse on her part regarding her cheating and her lies. She was like this "other" person denying all of the actions and turned into this cold abusive individual I had never met. This all could not have happened until the new supply was firmly attached. They use their next victim for power against.

I am sorry that you are going thru this. It is extremely painful.  I would suggest, if you have to interact with this person that you be very, very skeptical of anything she says. Watch her actions, as hurtful as it is, her actions tell the story.

[Infared]

Yes, unfortunately, it is fairly common.  I went through this exact same sad story.  My ex abruptly ended our relationship after 2 years and I haven't heard from her since.  She has completely and totally disappeared.  It's very much like she died.  I'm sorry you are going through this too.  I know how much it hurts and how it seems to turn everything you thought you knew about life inside out.  It has been the hardest, darkest, most painful experience of my life.  I'm sorry that you too have to deal with this.

It's indeed very hard to understand this behavior, because it is not based on a rational belief system.  It stems from the deeply held belief of pwBPD that no one will ever really love them and that they will always be abandoned.  They are convinced of this inevitability, and thus they are on eternal guard for any sign of it.  These are profound and terrifying fears for pwBPD.  As you can imagine, this state of constant vigilance and fear produces enormous anxiety.  Imagine knowing that someone is going to punch you as hard as they can today, but you don't know when and you don't know who.  As the day goes along you become more and more agitated as you keep expecting this hit to come.  You start to become increasingly suspicious and jumpy about anyone who gets close to you.  This must be something of what it feels like to be a pwBPD who is absolutely convinced that they are defective and broken and no one can ever love them - that they will always end up betrayed and alone.   So, after a while they reach the point where they can't bear the agony of waiting to be abandoned anymore, and they rip the cord out themselves.  They tragically fulfill their own prophecy, and it is entirely due to their deeply disordered beliefs.

Cosmo... .well spoken overview of the possible workings of a BPD mind. I think that that may have been what was going on in the mind of my ex. So... .of course... .at the time of the abandoning us we have no "rational" clue as to what is going on. We are utterly bewildered and in an immense amount of pain with nothing tangible to hang our rational mind on. It is quite damaging. It made me doubt all of my abilities of perception about others. For a human, this is a huge upheaval... .and causes one to question one's own sanity.

[JRT]

very much the exception and not the rule... .my ex called the police when I called her... .ONCE

[Deeno02]

I was, and sorry to repeat myself, literally one week on the couch with her and the kids. The following week after dumping me via text? Theres the new guy, doing the same thing. Old college buddy. Thats been almost 6 months now, and except for one mistake I made commenting on how happy she looked with the new guy, for which I was severely insulted for, I have not seen or heard from her. And thats ok with me.

[Jack2727]

Thanks guys!

So many tough stories. Infrared: It's just crazy! I woke up this morning pretty mad. It's almost a month of NC for me. Next Tuesday it will be a month. It just really hurts. I think the thing that hurts the most is that I feel that I knew all along she had a issue but the optimistic side of me felt if I gave her enough time she would have appreciated me and treated me well.

How wrong I was. There was no amount of good nature that could overcome this disease.

I guess the good thing about all of this is that I am slowly starting to put my life back together. I know the next month will continue to be a challenge. Dreaded Valentines Day is coming up. I guess in time it will go away. For a healthy human being, its not easy cutting the emotional cord on someone who you truly thought would be in your future.

I wish you guys all the best in healing. I'm not glad that we have had to go through this but I'm happy at least we can all commiserate together.