Wow, cloudten --
Your example of buying tix for a show that you wanted to see, knowing that you could find a friend to go with -- SO familiar to me! My uBPDxgf did exactly the same crap (pardon my French, but that's what it is) -- like, what if we
wanted our SO to come with us, but it turned out to be an act that they weren't interested in? should they
have to attend because we
want them to? Ummmm -- yeah -- I guess, that. In my case, when the tables were turned -- my ex wanted to go see Usher or someone, and I told her -- go, have fun, not my thang -- so she got mad at me. Apparently, that's rejection. Which, I'm sure, is a form of abuse. I guess not one of her other 10,000 close friends would have been available or interested to go with her -- not that she asked a single one, mind you. It was easier (more fun?) to be mad at me, I guess.
I haven't read your background -- how long have you been dating your bf? Do you expect this to change? You mention a recycle, and indicate that you can tell he's trying, but it still doesn't seem to be working. It also sounds like you've arrived at some realizations yourself, maybe about what you want out of a relationship, and what you deserve.
The thing is -- it's not a crime to end a relationship. They don't all work out. Some of them can't work out. Sometimes there's a reason. Other times, it's just a feeling, or a lack of a feeling. My uBPDxgf has spent ungodly amounts of time, energy, anger and breath trying to make me feel like I've committed some kind of crime for breaking up with her, going as far as to accuse me now of conjuring up the whole r-ship, never really loving her, never giving a damn about anything except my own feelings, essentially choosing to devote all of my free time, money and energy to her for THREE YEARS -- just to trick her so I could sleep with her, and then dump her. Like I have time for any of that, let alone any interest in treating anyone like that -- let alone someone I fell in love with. Yet, she doesn't understand how that accusation could hurt me -- because, remember, I
dumped her, making me guilty of "love fraud" -- apparently a criminal offense these days. So, I have no claim to any hurt feelings. She remains the Victim Princess. (Nevermind that throughout the r-ship, she consistently accused me of flirting with other women, and when I'd enforce a personal boundary (like trying to avoid a pointless hurtful argument by telling her I thought we should talk about something at a later time), she'd accuse me of subjecting her to the silent treatment (again, a form of abuse in her world), which must be because I was cheating on her, because no one
could ever get upset by her behavior, right? There'd have to be an "other woman" -- why else would I choose to leave this kind of relationship?
At least, that's how everything works in Bippiddee Land, the Town that Reason Forgot.
Sorry for all the ranting and pukees -- silly as it was, your example just hit so close to home. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how it feels to love someone, and know how happy you can be together, and look forward to seeing them and spending time with them, only to see it constantly get derailed by unnecessary, negative emotional nonsense. I tried for three years with my ex -- then I finally left.
What really prompted me to respond to your post was where you said "If I can convince him that I am the one with issues, I am hoping he will let me go when I say I can't do it anymore without him stalking me." Because I struggled with the same thing with my ex -- worrying about all of the fallout that would result from leaving her. I can even admit that I let my fears about how she would react keep me in the r-ship way beyond the time that I should have left it. In the end -- no different result. It ended. And, the longer a r-ship lasts, the more difficult it tends to be to end it (that's just experience talking, as I'm pretty sure I have a few years on you).
And I've also been on the receiving end of the stalking thing, too -- it helps to remember this: It's illegal. I can tell from your post that you don't want to cause any trouble for your bf, and you don't wish him ill -- you simply want to be left alone,. Which is your right. And if he won't honor that, you can have it enforced. I had to have a policeman call my ex and tell her that if she didn't leave me alone, she was going to be charged with harassment. I didn't want to do it, but it was the only thing that stopped the endless txts, calls, emails, online posts, drive-bys, etc. It's really unsettling when someone refuses to honor the fundamental right that everyone has
not be forced to do things they choose not to do. So, if you do decide that it's over, tell him, and tell him that you don't want to be contacted -- if he doesn't listen to you, report his behavior. Believe it or not, sadly, LE deals with this kind of craziness way more than you or I might think.
I AM SO SICK OF ARGUING ABOUT STUPID.
Right? I feel ya. So, what's stopping you from stopping?
