My mother likes my new boyfriend... is this always a bad thing?

[zubizou87]

Hey Guys

So I've been seeing this guy for over a year now, we live together, have alot of fun, there is the occasional arguement over the important stuff but mostly there is joy and laughter and love in our home and relationship. I was worried that bringing him home would be a big drama and my family would pressure me to break up with him because I'm happy and settled but it's been positive all round really everyone thinks he's a nice, polite, smart guy and whats even more surprising is that my mother likes him.

This was a bit of a red flag for me as it seems BPD mothers like bad guys and want their children trapped and vulnerable with the wrong people. I don't feel like I'm in a bad place, I'm confident and loved and I feel really positive about the future. the only think I can think is that my mother is putting up a massive front and really values the opinion of the guy I'm with so she wants to look good. She is incredibly careful about how she behaves and what she says to him, almost to the point I feel like I exaggerate the things I've confided in my boyfriend about her abusing me. Although he's been very nice and assured me that he beleives me and he's noticed a few wierd things she has said and done.

So my only conclusion is she is trying to present her picture window self to him and honestly I feel safer around him because she doesn't let her crazy out. Thats my theory but I'd love to hear any other opinions.

[Tim300]

This was a bit of a red flag for me as it seems BPD mothers like bad guys and want their children trapped and vulnerable with the wrong people.

What do you mean by this?  Are you suggesting that BPD mothers want their children to have failed relationships so that the children never truly grow up and become independent of the mother (b/c that would make the mother feel abandoned and b/c nobody else will spend time with her)?

In any event, I think BPD mothers will do the whole black/white thinking with just about anybody.  She's gonna love this guy for some period of time, and then turn on him, and it could go back and forth, until she fears that she's losing your attention (and/or his) and will paint him black. 

[Rapt Reader]

This was a bit of a red flag for me as it seems BPD mothers like bad guys and want their children trapped and vulnerable with the wrong people.

I'm pretty sure that not all Moms with BPD would be that nefarious 

Maybe there's just something about your boyfriend she likes; he doesn't "rub her the wrong way" or maybe the fact that he isn't her child gives her a different attitude and opinion of him? If he makes you happy and you love him and value him, I think you are "safe" 

In any event, I think BPD mothers will do the whole black/white thinking with just about anybody.  She's gonna love this guy for some period of time, and then turn on him, and it could go back and forth, until she fears that she's losing your attention (and/or his) and will paint him black. 

I'm also not sure that you could assume that about every BPD Mom, either. Sometimes our BPD loved ones (even Moms) have great relationships with everyone else, but tend to struggle with their own flesh and blood family members moreso. She may have a good relationship with this man forever, actually... .

We just don't know, and assuming that things will go south for sure could be very detrimental to the relationship--expecting the worst to happen colors our interpretations and reactions to events (and relationships) and isn't helpful in the long run. I'd have an open mind about her motives here, and try to feel positive about the situation... .

I think it's a blessing that she likes your guy, zubizou87 

[Turkish]

I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, as long as he is aware of her tendency to split, as that could be shocking to experience.

This was a bit of a red flag for me as it seems BPD mothers like bad guys and want their children trapped and vulnerable with the wrong people.

My BPD mom didn't want me to hook up with "bad girls", but seemed to always be trying to fix me up with the "waifs" that she tended to "rescue," not that I needed help looking for troubled women in that department. Depression and BPD aside, my mom has some valued insights that I like to pick her brain about. Two things I will never take advice on, however, are relationships and money. I also learned to not buy into her opinions of people much, because she always seemed to hang around unhealthy (and occasionally dangerous) people.