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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: How long have your exBPD's rebound/replacement relationships lasted?  (Read 13963 times)
hope2727
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1209



« Reply #30 on: February 03, 2015, 06:59:45 PM »

LimboFL: "if she ever wonders if she lost that man that could have endured most of it and would still love her... ."

This is going to sound harsh but my god, dude.  Listen to yourself.  Why would you want to be that guy?  Relationships shouldn't be a test of the human spirit.

For nearly two decades I put up with what I can only call insanity.  That's what it was.  I know it now.  I know it in a certain, clinical way.  All of that time, I was convincing myself that I was one awesome guy, the only guy who could ever really understand her, the only guy who could do that (sh*%@y) job.

But it shouldn't be a job.  You shouldn't have to be heroic.  You shouldn't have to constantly dig deep just to be in a relationship.  You shouldn't have to endure anything.   

I'm divorced and out.  I will say this.  The woman I am now with? It doesn't take a lot of effort. It's peaceful and calm.  We spend huge amounts of time just talking and being mellow and loving each other.  She is herself with me, and I am myself with her.  Neither of us has the slightest impulse to "react" to anything.  There is not a trace of need or anxiety.  Both of us have said "Maybe this is how it should be."

Relationships should be a net positive to both participants.  You know how people say relationships take work? I think that's BS.  Relationships between mature people who have emotional resources are not work.  They're a pleasure.

Thank you so much for posting this. I was having a rough day and almost convinced myself to call my ex. I know i can't but I sure miss him. For me sits hard because he was so easy and similar to what you are describing as an easy relationship until he switched jobs. then it was like a switch flipped and he was HORRIBLE! So i really miss the easy to grow old with him. And dating is a joke. I can't stand the men I meet. I can't wait to get away from them. ugg. So yes I miss mine very much but your post helped me to remember the good him is not who left me. It was the outrageous him. So DO NOT CALL! Thanks.
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LimboFL
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 330


« Reply #31 on: February 03, 2015, 08:28:17 PM »

I have been off the radar for a couple of days. Wow, I was not expecting the diverse and thought provoking response to my question. I did not expect to be so thoroughly satisfied. Thank you all!

The reason I am on this board is because it is full of kind, caring people who do not use this as a forum to bash their ex's. Now, with that said, some of the stories I have read here are so harsh that I fully appreciate the anger. I have my own but like many others, despite the emotional tornado of confusion and pain that we faced, there was beauty and control. Moments of connection. Another reason why I appreciate this board, is because the description are not overly simplistic, which sadly, is how other sites I have been to handle descriptions relating to our exBPD emotions, generally resulting in "bad people have none", which is of course nonsense.

I was going to write about my aha moment, resulting from something my ex said when we were having our final argument but I Must shelving it for now.

I did want to respond to goateki. I understand your point about work and relationships but I believe that this only speaks to the beginning of a relationship. Two humans with their own baggage merging as one and trying to stay on the samepath, long term, takes work. Too many people believe that, if the going get's tough, it's time to find a new easy toy to play with. I watched my parents almost give up several times, but they didn't. The last 8 or so years of my Mother's exhibited a completely new relationship where it was clear that while not gushing,more in true love than I had ever witnessed. You get where I am going.

Now, as someone who understands what I am dealing with, I understand the insurmountable challenge that is associated with expecting a united effort and the same result as I witnessed with my parents. However, asking anyone to disconnect from a concept so deeply encoded in my little pea brain is a tall order. As someone else mentioned, so long as there is a sense of gratitude, which there was in my case, I do not mind working to help my partner. It is often a pleasure. She worked on her feet all day, so I had no issues coming home after work and cleaning up before she got home. I watched her grapple with the kind of anxiety I wouldn't wish up on my worst enemy, so I could accept her launching into me. It too me too long to learn how to simply disregard it. Where I turned a corner was when, in one fell swoop, I felt taken for granted.

Again, I understand your point and hopefully you understand mine. I look forward to being in the position you are in but there were plenty of moments, with my ex, that were just like that. I don't seek the honeymoon, it was way too intense and fast, no, I miss those moments of unity and peace and love. Pipe dreams, I guess. It still stinks  though, especially when you find someone with so many real commonalities.  There are a lot of things I don't miss, but there are plenty I do and we all played our own role, we all had our own complications and baggage that contributed. It is impossible that we didn't do all kinds of things that caused problems and that we're not simply reactions to their behavior. None of us get off Scott free simply because we put forth a great deal of effort etc. I know that we could all do an inventory of our own flaws. I have certainly thought about mine.

Great thread, great people, thank you all, again.
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ShadowIntheNight
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 442


« Reply #32 on: February 03, 2015, 08:54:01 PM »

LimboFL: "if she ever wonders if she lost that man that could have endured most of it and would still love her... ."

This is going to sound harsh but my god, dude.  Listen to yourself.  Why would you want to be that guy?  Relationships shouldn't be a test of the human spirit.

For nearly two decades I put up with what I can only call insanity.  That's what it was.  I know it now.  I know it in a certain, clinical way.  All of that time, I was convincing myself that I was one awesome guy, the only guy who could ever really understand her, the only guy who could do that (sh*%@y) job.

But it shouldn't be a job.  You shouldn't have to be heroic.  You shouldn't have to constantly dig deep just to be in a relationship.  You shouldn't have to endure anything.   

I'm divorced and out.  I will say this.  The woman I am now with? It doesn't take a lot of effort. It's peaceful and calm.  We spend huge amounts of time just talking and being mellow and loving each other.  She is herself with me, and I am myself with her.  Neither of us has the slightest impulse to "react" to anything.  There is not a trace of need or anxiety.  Both of us have said "Maybe this is how it should be."

Relationships should be a net positive to both participants.  You know how people say relationships take work? I think that's BS.  Relationships between mature people who have emotional resources are not work.  They're a pleasure.

Thank you so much for posting this. I was having a rough day and almost convinced myself to call my ex. I know i can't but I sure miss him. For me sits hard because he was so easy and similar to what you are describing as an easy relationship until he switched jobs. then it was like a switch flipped and he was HORRIBLE! So i really miss the easy to grow old with him. And dating is a joke. I can't stand the men I meet. I can't wait to get away from them. ugg. So yes I miss mine very much but your post helped me to remember the good him is not who left me. It was the outrageous him. So DO NOT CALL! Thanks.

Hope I was at my T's today and I said the exact same thing about my uPBDexgf. I said verbatim that it was like a switch flipped with her somewhere and her personality totally changed. I have never seen anything like it. My T said that we had been in this place with her before, just not like this, so it was there all along.

But honestly, like you there was nothing in her actions that made my brain think my exgf might have something wrong with her. Mainly I thought she was fearful and predominately over stressed some of the time. And our relationship was extremely loving and kind toward one another until the last 6 months of it. As I told my T if she was like this the whole time and I was just too blind to it, I shouldn't be allowed out of my home or to ever talk to anyone again!

I try to figure out what flipped the switch and I have suspicions, but I just may never know. I know I wouldn't stay in a bad relationship for 9.5 yrs though. Frankly, knowing that things didn't change with her until many years later in our relationship, if I was in a new one and it seemed "easy and flowing," I would still not feel comfortable ever that it wasn't going to blow up in the future. So while I respect everyone saying they have that now with someone else, I hope it always stays that way for you. I don't think I'll ever trust someone and their intentions that way ever again. But that's just me.

PS it's taking all I can do not to text or email her. I just don't think I can hear her tell me about her wonderful boyfriend and how he's the best thing that ever happened to her tho. (I'm female too, btw).
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hibye

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« Reply #33 on: June 11, 2015, 03:31:42 PM »

it sounds like you genuinely cared for this person and that you only had her best interest in mind.  It is unfortunate that she couldn't see that at the time, chances are she hasn't had a lot of that in her life. 

 

Bingo! The truth is you, I , so many others here GENUINELY cared for our expBPDs, saw the beauty beneath the behaviors, and empathized, cared... .very much so... .about the person. 

We loved. In a very real way, unconditionally and their disorder kicked into high gear. Bc, they did NOT have a lot of that in their lives. And they could not trust it. Even while it was in the most beautiful place, their disorder shifted into protective mode and they projected and left us.

They replace not out of love, happiness, or glee. They replace to smoother the intense hurt, fear, shame of really processing the loss. The loss they caused but their mind replays it very differently. Their self projections are believed and they dissociate the truth of who we were to them. The pain is far too great for them to process reality that way. That's why you read the same stories here over and over. The same patterns. Up and leave shocked partners who genuinely loved them seemingly overnight and pick right up with someone new. Often times a horrific distortion campaign follows whereby they paint us so black and project every bit of who THEY are, what THEY "did", in a believable commentary to the unknowing replacement and the masses who support this vulnerable, needy, believable waif.  That same vulnerable, needy, believable waif that captured us that way as well.

Are they happy? No

Are they with the love of their life now?  No

Are they mirroring the replacement and living out their repeated fantasy/idealization that is riddled in need and has nothing to do with love? Yes.

Will it last? No 

Will she come back to you? Very likely.

Will it ever go back to the way we all wished it could be. The place of just caring and sharing such good? Not likely and have not found ONE instance on this board of thousands otherwise.

Once they split, the r/s never goes back to that place. That was a real place for us, but a fantasy for them.

When they recycle us, they do so out of fear/need. Not love. Their new supply/replacement is falling off the idealization pedestal and our ex's mask is becoming to heavy to hold up. They reach back, they reach out. For NEED.

But we believe it is because they realized, they awoken, they had the big Ah-ha moment of the greatest love they lost.

Then, the patterns continue as the Non believes every word they are hearing often through tears, and is so relieved (temporarily) of the immense pain of the horrific loss. Of the person we genuinely loved and care for. Who just left us.

The patterns will repeat and get worse and more painful each time you allow a recycle. And we all have been in that place of desperately wanting to be with our ex's again. And largely we have done so here and recycled.

Do they realize what they lost? On some levels, yes. They think of us but not in the way we do of them.

Were we likely the only person who ever loved them the way they truly have always wanted to be loved? Yes. And that is the painful paradox of how seriously imbedded this mental disorder is.

And the irony is, that's why they left. They desperately want to be loved for who they are. To be loved in a way that they can stop mirroring and can be safe in being "someone." To stop being afraid. Insecure. Alone. Empty. Unconditionally loved without any pretense.

They always have wanted this.  And they found just that in us.

The disorder wins every time.

excellent post... to the point questions and answers 
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Madison66
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« Reply #34 on: June 11, 2015, 04:01:10 PM »

You know, that's a tough question! We had a three week b/u about half way thru our 3 year r/s and my ex gf had a replacement for the three week period. In the 19 months since the final b/u, I've heard from friends that she has had four "boyfriends". I've also heard that she's back on an online dating site and is either single again or looking for a replacement while still in an r/s. That was her mode when we were together for 3 years. She left her Match profile up for the first seven months we were together until I asked her repeatedly to take it down. I also found out after the final b/u that she had an okcupid profile active at least six months before we b/u on okcupid. So glad that's not part of my life any longer!
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sbr1050
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 82


« Reply #35 on: June 11, 2015, 04:27:33 PM »

I have a small betting pool going with my close friends as to how long my 62 year old uBPDexbf and his new wife, 23, will last.  Funny thing is, I was the most generous, giving it two years.  Someone that works with him gave it 6-8 months tops, a few others are saying 8-10 months.  My mom gives it a year.

Time will tell... .
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Dutched
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 494


« Reply #36 on: June 11, 2015, 05:16:49 PM »

Way back from the old days (2009), very helpfull. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=105235.0;all

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=102629.0;all

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For years someone I loved once gave me boxes full of darkness.
It made me sad, it made me cry.
It took me long to understand that these were the most wonderful gifts.
It was all she had to give
sbr1050
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 82


« Reply #37 on: June 11, 2015, 05:39:16 PM »

[/quote]
So i really miss the easy to grow old with him. And dating is a joke. I can't stand the men I meet. I can't wait to get away from them. ugg. So yes I miss mine very much but your post helped me to remember the good him is not who left me. It was the outrageous him. So DO NOT CALL! Thanks. [/quote]
I am working on this same exact thing.  And yes, dating is a joke... .
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UserName69
AKA double_edge, Mr.Jason, Bradley101
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 276



« Reply #38 on: June 11, 2015, 06:11:12 PM »

The guy before me 9 months, I lasted 6 months ... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) what if the replacement will last only 3 months? What happens next then, no more relationships for my exBPD LOL
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