Are you a risk taker?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been thinking about it some, and I think I'd describe myself as a relationship risk taker.  In my marriage to uPDxw, then with uBPDxgf, and now with SO, each time before deciding to take the plunge so to speak (either get married or move in together), there were things that were    . 

And also each time there were things that I valued.  And I made a decision to go for it because the reward for things working out would be so great that it was worth the risk I saw in the situation based on the     I saw.

And in each instance, the     took over and all kinds of things went awry.  Perhaps I need to re-evaluate my thinking in this regard!

[Waddams]

I've been thinking about it some, and I think I'd describe myself as a relationship risk taker.  In my marriage to uPDxw, then with uBPDxgf, and now with SO, each time before deciding to take the plunge so to speak (either get married or move in together), there were things that were    . 

And also each time there were things that I valued.  And I made a decision to go for it because the reward for things working out would be so great that it was worth the risk I saw in the situation based on the     I saw.

And in each instance, the     took over and all kinds of things went awry.  Perhaps I need to re-evaluate my thinking in this regard!

[Perfidy]

Hi waddams, isn't it like any relationship has risk? Kind of like, you never know unless you try? Are there any guarantees that a relationship won't end? Don't all relationships end one way or another? Are you responsible for what is not controllable? Be good to you.

[Grey Kitty]

waddams, how did you do the risk taking?

Did you notice     and make an aware and intentional decision to go ahead anyway?

Or did you pretend that the     didn't exist, or minimize it, or make excuses "it won't be that bad"?

[fromheeltoheal]

Well, all relationships involve risk, as does anything where we express our vulnerability, risk of getting hurt, risk of being rejected, really the risk of not being loved when we want and need to be and were trying to love someone.  The question "Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" comes out of that risk taking.  And to get existential, we're a bunch of imperfect creatures floating on a rock in the middle of nowhere; it's all a risk.

But specifically, why did we take the specific risk we did with a borderline?  Well, it didn't feel like a risk initially, in fact it felt perfect, and in hindsight there were red flags, plenty of them, but I didn't see them at the time, heavy denial.  And if I'm honest, she came along at a time when my self esteem was low and I was lonely, so here comes a cute, flirty gal who was very, very into me, and I was a sitting duck.  I also knew nothing about personality disorders and thought she was like any "normal" gal.  Oops.  But the good news is the pain of the whole ordeal trashed my naivety and I was forced to grow up, so today I'm still into risks, it's all a risk, but calculated ones using new wisdom and experience.  Stay tuned for updates... .

[ADecadeLost]

I think I'm rather anti-risk when it comes to initiating relationships.  When I was younger in particular, some sort of emotional inhibition (fear of rejection I guess) made me the type of guy who would only make a move if I was 100% confident the interest would be reciprocated.  Now it did fade with age, but in retrospect certainly cost me plenty of opportunities early in my dating life (nothing like placing yourself in the "friend zone".

As for defining risk taking as ignoring red flags before major relationship milestones.  Yeah, I'm guilty of being a risk taker in that regard.  There were plenty of obvious red flags that I either wrote off or convinced myself she was working on.  I hope that I'll have moved/worked past that sort of risk taking behavior by the time I'm ready to dive back into the dating pool in the future, but I guess time will tell on that.

[Pingo]

Am I a risk taker generally? No, absolutely not, I'm an introvert who tries to avoid anything that might put her in an embarrassing predicament!  BUT when I met my ex I fell so head over heels that I absolutely became a risk taker.  Within the first two or three months of our r/s I had a gut feeling that this man was capable of doing heinous things if driven to, such as stalking or worse.  Of course I shoved those feelings far, far away bc I didn't want to believe any of that!  So I was willing to take the risk that my life might be on the line if this r/s ended badly!  Wow, no wonder I learned to walk on eggshells almost immediately!

[Waddams]

waddams, how did you do the risk taking?

by recognizing that certain aspects of life that would come with the relationship could go one way or the other way (namely - good or bad).  i thought if i worked hard enough i could make it turn out good, but knew if it went bad things would be very hard.  for example:

• uPDxw - had a major downspin with headaches before we got married.  but there were also indications she was playing it up.  i ignored them.  i took the risk that with time, things would get better.  instead, she played her bad health as a way to guilt me into constant things i really didn't need to do.  at this point in time, i think she was faking mostly.



• uBPDxgf - she watned to move in with me real quick.  i said no at first but got worn down.  we were spending a lot of time together, and it was going in the almost too good to be true way kind of good.  but she kept on me about moving in and i relented, thinking it might be a risk, but if it works out, it'd be a great life with her.  i ignored that feeling that it was too quick and remember consciously thinking about it and deciding to accept the risk on the premise the reward would be very strong.

the list could get rather long, so i'll stop there.  really looking back, it's stepping away from my boundaries because of something that seemed enticing enough to warrant it where the felt reward was worth the risk.  i've hit a point now where i see it differently though.  i wasn't stepping away from my boundaries. it was stepping away from my values.  it was stepping away from myself.  not living my own values... .potently... .enough.  allowing myself to get talked out of them due to various guilt and obligation manipulations.

Did you notice  Red Flag Red Flag Red Flag and make an aware and intentional decision to go ahead anyway?

honestly yeah i did.  i minimized the meaning of the    .  i wanted what i wanted at that moment, and wasn't really thinking about things in those moments in terms of my own values and how certain things conflicted.  i saw uPDxw purposely committ fraud (and get away with it) before we married in her bankruptcy proceedings.  but i wrote it off at the time as "well what i would do?"  it was about a pet cat that got real sick.  she opened up new credit cards and suspended a bankruptcy to pay the vet bills to the tune of $5000, with no intention of paying it off.  she intended to just charge it up then blow it off immediately in her bankruptcy. 

should have been a clue that she'll lie and cheat to get what she wanted.  there were similar things with uBPDxgf, and there are also were and continue to be things of a similar nature with SO.  i've been writing it off as "what else can you do?" because it did/does involve some very difficult circumstances.  but if i'd remember my own values first instead of thinking about them in some guilty fashion because i feel bad for what they are dealing with, i'd have a better road map to deal with these things as they come up.

Or did you pretend that the  Red Flag Red Flag Red Flag didn't exist, or minimize it, or make excuses "it won't be that bad"?

It was the excuse "it won't be that bad".  Or "she has to... .".  the thought "well, sorry but if you can't do it honestly then you shouldn't" has always been in my mind but i've quashed it  out of situational expediency in one form or another. 

i haven't been committed to being me.  i haven't been committed to living my own values.  and i allowed various subterfuges to fool me into not living my own values.  i'm just now recognizing it, and seeing the various impacts it's had on even my current relationship.  honestly, if i had lived my values more strongly inthe past, i'd have not ended up in relationships with any of the women i've been with.  dating would have happened and ended before long term relationships developed.

[Grey Kitty]

Now you know what happens when you don't listen to yourself and your values.