Did your exBPd forget things they did or you did?

[antonio1213]

My exBPDgf seemed to forget a lot of things that we had done toward the end of our relationship. She forgot really fun times we had. She forgot some of the worst outbursts that she had whenever I brought them up. She even forgot HUGE things I did for her that I spent a lot of money on or went way outta my way to do. She forgot pretty much almost all of the beginning of our r/s and seemed to only remember fragments of it. Her stories contradicted each other when she talked about how she felt at some points when she recalls the r/s. Did this happen to anyone else?

One example is she told me when we first started to date that she thought I was the one (even told her mom) and she really went out of her way to be with me, but at the same time she didn't think we would last and danced on a guy at a party.

[hope2727]

Yup. Sounds like mine.

He told me he forgot every single positive thing and feeling he ever had about us. He told me he only remembered the horrible things between us. He also doesn't seem to remember his rages and lies. He certainly doesn't remember the really significant things I did to help him. He also rewrites history to say his friends helped him or at least offered to when in fact they did not. It was either me helping him or my family members helping him. In fact when I used SET and pointed out a specific circumstance when his friends point blank turned him away when they owed him money and he asked for it he gave me his "fair enough" cop out.

So I think they have to forget to justify their terrible behaviour. After all if we had happy memories and times with them and were there for them to help when no one else was why leave? Leaving us wouldn't make sense if we were good people. But if they have no happy times with us and we never help them why stay? So I truly think the forgetting is a large part of their disorder but I know he chooses what he remembers and forgets to some degree. I have simply caught him out on it to many times for it to not be a choice.

[paperlung]

Yeah, my ex's memory is terrible. I don't know if it's because she takes clonazepam or what. When we first started dating, I asked her some questions like, "So what did you do last Christmas/New Years/Valentine's Days/Birthday with your ex?" And she told me she couldn't remember. Found that odd. Although she does seem to remember quite a few things that we did together still. Maybe I meant more to her, I don't know.

I saw her last month, she asked me what kind of phone I had. I told her I still had my iPhone 4 from when we dated. I then asked her if she remembered the phone she had when we first met (and had for the majority of our relationship) and she told me no. I was like, "Really?" Because it ran on minutes. Minutes you would have to buy from a corner store. You'd get some code on a receipt and punch it into your phone so you could send text messages and stuff. I don't know how she could've forgotten that. I remember having to go to the store to get her more minutes quite frequently.

She also completely forgot that I gave her my old laptop after I bought a new one, and how I would always let her borrow my phone at night when she couldn't sleep so she could go on YouTube or use the internet on it.

[Loveofhislife]

He certainly doesn't remember the really significant things I did to help him. He also rewrites history to say his friends helped him or at least offered to when in fact they did not. It was either me helping him or my family members helping him... .

So I think they have to forget to justify their terrible behaviour. After all if we had happy memories and times with them and were there for them to help when no one else was why leave? Leaving us wouldn't make sense if we were good people. But if they have no happy times with us and we never help them why stay? So I truly think the forgetting is a large part of their disorder but I know he chooses what he remembers and forgets to some degree. I have simply caught him out on it to many times for it to not be a choice.

What a perfect explanation! I wrote earlier today that one week before he abandoned me, he LITERALLY could not remember that he had ever loved me! Helping him? When we met, I had no idea he was completing a 3-year federal prison sentence and had recently moved to a halfway house. He was on probation for financial fraud the entire time we were together, so he was not allowed to use credit, make major purchases, etc. Instead, he chose to use my credit cards (often without my knowledge); take my property, etc.--all repeating what he had done many times before so that he had NO friends or family who would speak to him (except for Mommy Dearest). He daily attributed his being able to get back on his feet because of me: the loveofhislife.

Then, he forgot everything. Left town; moved away (with my stuff and my money and my heart), and I have not heard his voice since he left and after a one-year committed relationship.

Instead of remembering, he needed to fabricate a smear campaign to justify what he did. I'm sure I'm not the first, and doubt I will be the last.

[myself]

The memory of a pwBPD is often very selective. Some memories appear intentionally abandoned, while others may have been wiped away during 'survival mode'. It's hard to know the full extent due to the lies, games, and denials that occur. My now-ex definitely forgot some of the good, but the bad (especially what seemed more fabricated than reality)? She was able to bring that extremely detailed list out at a moment's notice, without fail.

[fromheeltoheal]

It's a defense mechanism.  When feelings are overwhelming, someone will use all of the tools available to them to make themselves feel better.  One handy way is to make everything someone else's fault, including the things that shouldn't be (projection), make them the scumbag, cut them off and remove them from your life emotionally, along with all of the positive memories or events, called compartmentalization, or the more extreme form cognitive distortion.  We all do that to some extent, even as simple as ask 5 people who went through a stressful event together to recount it and you'll get 5 different stories, and for a disordered person it's just to the extreme, because the emotions they're trying to deal with are extreme.  We often hear that feelings are facts to borderlines; if the feelings aren't good, change the facts to make the feelings better, or compartmentalize the entire person and all their stuff so they didn't even exist in consciousness.  Can you imagine how much life must suck to make that necessary?  

[Loveofhislife]

Awesome quote of the day, " Feelings are facts for Borderlines." Amen, Heel. At the end, when he continued to allege that I was lying and cheating (benevolent and survivalist lying yes, cheating no) he would say, "Then you shouldn't have made me FEEL that way." There was no separation of truth vs fiction. If he thought I was cheating, I was cheating!

[fromheeltoheal]

Awesome quote of the day, " Feelings are facts for Borderlines." Amen, Heel. At the end, when he continued to allege that I was lying and cheating (benevolent and survivalist lying yes, cheating no) he would say, "Then you shouldn't have made me FEEL that way." There was no separation of truth vs fiction. If he thought I was cheating, I was cheating!

Yes, when my ex accused me of making her feel a certain way I thanked her for giving me so much power.  That didn't go over well, not well at all... .

[hope2727]

Awesome quote of the day, " Feelings are facts for Borderlines." Amen, Heel. At the end, when he continued to allege that I was lying and cheating (benevolent and survivalist lying yes, cheating no) he would say, "Then you shouldn't have made me FEEL that way." There was no separation of truth vs fiction. If he thought I was cheating, I was cheating!

Yes, when my ex accused me of making her feel a certain way I thanked her for giving me so much power.  That didn't go over well, not well at all... .

When my ex accused me of causing his suicidal ideation and inpatient care I responded that I must have some awesome powers to be able to do that. Who needs the force when I can just wave my hand and make someone crazy. It so did not go over well. Oops. Forgive me I did not understand the BPD situation at that point. Sigh oh well. Bygones.

[saintjude]

  The "feelings are facts" concept is spot on. It really helped me understand some of our maddening conversations.

  I remember having conversations that would go something like this... .

me: "did you get some new jeans"

her: "why are they too tight?"

me: "no, I was just asking as I didn't recognize them, why are you getting upset"

her: "(crying) because you said they're too tight!"

me: "I didn't say that at all."

her: "(crying still) but it FEELS like you said that!"

  It makes me so terribly sad recalling some of these convos. I can't imagine living with that kind of sensitivity. It would be unbearable, and there are moments of compassion where I can understand why a pwBPD would act out the way they do. Its such an awful disorder and unfair to all involved.

[Coffeeandsmokes]

I appreciate we are going a bit off topic here but I'm chucking in my two pence on 'facts are feelings'. She wanted a dog, desperately, but being logical and considerate I thought it unfair on the animal. I work away, she works demanding shifts. Wouldn't have been a good life for the dog. I told her this - 'it's not fair on the dog' I listed my reasons, all based in the welfare of the animal. All that came back was the warped perception I was telling her 'she was incapable of looking after a dog'. No. I'm not. You'd be great but you can't escape the fact it would spend 10 hrs a day shut inside. 'WHY DON'T YOU THINK I CAN LOOK AFTER A DOG?' That sort of caper broke me.

[BorisAcusio]

My exBPDgf seemed to forget a lot of things that we had done toward the end of our relationship. She forgot really fun times we had. She forgot some of the worst outbursts that she had whenever I brought them up. She even forgot HUGE things I did for her that I spent a lot of money on or went way outta my way to do. She forgot pretty much almost all of the beginning of our r/s and seemed to only remember fragments of it. Her stories contradicted each other when she talked about how she felt at some points when she recalls the r/s. Did this happen to anyone else?

One example is she told me when we first started to date that she thought I was the one (even told her mom) and she really went out of her way to be with me, but at the same time she didn't think we would last and danced on a guy at a party.

Thomas H. Ogden, Object Relations and the Psychoanalytic Dialogue

"In the paranoid-schizoid position, the past is constantly changing; each new event radically changes all previous ones. The present is immediately projected onto all previous experience thus nihilating the past. The past becomes merely a fluid extension of the present. When the borderline patient becomes angry at the therapist, all the previous experiences viewed as a deception on the part of the therapist."

[Haye]

Yup. The pwBPD in my life, my very recent ex has truly and genuinly fragmented memory. Says he remembers past clearly only for couple of days; stuff that happenend two weeks ago is already vague. There are somethings he rather says he doesn't remember (for various reasons) but there is a lot he simply cannot recall. Also sometimes the memory does come back, but is flawed, distorded. He has said sometimes he remember an emotional situation as a silent movie. He cannot recall what he himself said, or what he felt. Like many BPD's, he dissociates, and assumes it's what disrupts his memory.

With this break up we have been going trhoug the previous ones also (I've been recycled too many times before, I'm trying to make this the last) and there's A LOT he doesn't remember. He's shocked "I said that?" "I did THAT?" and i'm pretty sure his reaction is real. I mean he is a good actor and excellent manipulator, but i can tell from his face that some of those have been truly new to him. In on big breakup he totally rewrote history. It was horrible... .Made it sound like there was no love between us, at all, etc. Has no recollection of that, none.

After that he has been into treatment and that seems to have helped so that at least he is not  rewrtinting history.

[jhkbuzz]

It's a defense mechanism.  When feelings are overwhelming, someone will use all of the tools available to them to make themselves feel better.  One handy way is to make everything someone else's fault, including the things that shouldn't be (projection), make them the scumbag, cut them off and remove them from your life emotionally, along with all of the positive memories or events, called compartmentalization, or the more extreme form cognitive distortion.  We all do that to some extent, even as simple as ask 5 people who went through a stressful event together to recount it and you'll get 5 different stories, and for a disordered person it's just to the extreme, because the emotions they're trying to deal with are extreme.  We often hear that feelings are facts to borderlines; if the feelings aren't good, change the facts to make the feelings better, or compartmentalize the entire person and all their stuff so they didn't even exist in consciousness.  Can you imagine how much life must suck to make that necessary?  

And don't forget about dissociation... .my exBPDgf did that quite a bit - and that certainly affects memory.

[apple2]

My exBPDgf seemed to forget a lot of things that we had done toward the end of our relationship. She forgot really fun times we had. She forgot some of the worst outbursts that she had whenever I brought them up. She even forgot HUGE things I did for her that I spent a lot of money on or went way outta my way to do. She forgot pretty much almost all of the beginning of our r/s and seemed to only remember fragments of it. Her stories contradicted each other when she talked about how she felt at some points when she recalls the r/s. Did this happen to anyone else?

One example is she told me when we first started to date that she thought I was the one (even told her mom) and she really went out of her way to be with me, but at the same time she didn't think we would last and danced on a guy at a party.

Mine kicked me out of the relationship and totally forgot it was he who always wanted to spend time with me.

He forgot all the good times, just remember how I pissed him off. He rewrote the history to justify his behavior. He either said, he did something good because he had nothing else to do or he did it just because he wanted to have sex with me, and did not want to have bad conscience. How ridiculous! We are all adults. Do not want to have bad conscience does not mean playing the role as someone's bf.

Feeling is fact, although the behavior is on the contrary. That is BPD.

[clydegriffith]

It's hard for me to say "forget" and more like she intentionally misrepresnted facts to go with however she was trying to demonize me. For example, one of the many nightmares i went through was that Child Protective Services got involved in our lives as a result of a phone call i made. Who did i call and why did i do that you ask? Well, one morning she called me at job and was threatening to kill herself and all the kids so i called the police and asked them if they could go look into the matter. The police showed up and notified CPS.

Now, while the statement "CPS is in our lives because you made a call!" is factually correct, the statement is a gross misrepresentation of what actually happened because she convinentley leaves out the reason what she did to bring about me making the call.

[hoaianhcameron]

Yup. Sounds like mine.

He told me he forgot every single positive thing and feeling he ever had about us. He told me he only remembered the horrible things between us. He also doesn't seem to remember his rages and lies. He certainly doesn't remember the really significant things I did to help him. He also rewrites history to say his friends helped him or at least offered to when in fact they did not. It was either me helping him or my family members helping him. In fact when I used SET and pointed out a specific circumstance when his friends point blank turned him away when they owed him money and he asked for it he gave me his "fair enough" cop out.

So I think they have to forget to justify their terrible behaviour. After all if we had happy memories and times with them and were there for them to help when no one else was why leave? Leaving us wouldn't make sense if we were good people. But if they have no happy times with us and we never help them why stay? So I truly think the forgetting is a large part of their disorder but I know he chooses what he remembers and forgets to some degree. I have simply caught him out on it to many times for it to not be a choice.

My story is right there!

[ReluctantSurvivor]

My dBPDex couldn't even remember what month she gave up custody of her only child in.  I had to remind her.  Her memory in many other things far less significant are equally terrible.  She tries to play it off on "hormones" or "pregnancy ruined my mind."

She also completely makes things up to gain attention.  She can say one thing one day and a couple days later contradict what was professed as a "core value" with actions or words.  She is completely erratic. 

[Leaving]

My dBPDex couldn't even remember what month she gave up custody of her only child in.  I had to remind her.  Her memory in many other things far less significant are equally terrible.  She tries to play it off on "hormones" or "pregnancy ruined my mind."

She also completely makes things up to gain attention.  She can say one thing one day and a couple days later contradict what was professed as a "core value" with actions or words.  She is completely erratic. 

"Clap on, clap off" is the term I use to describe my husband's very very selective memory.  I really do believe that there is a chemical switch in his brain that allows him to write his own life script in any given moment.  Before I knew he had BPD, I would feel so insane trying to communicate with him because just in a matter of a minute or two, he would negate or oppose his own views or ideas or anything else he said.

Your last sentence about opposing core values describes my husband.  It was so truly bizarre that I began wondering if he had multiple personality disorder.  I never knew who was going to show up in any given moment. 

Sounds like your partner may have NPD.  my husband has NPD/BPD. 

So, here's an example of what I lived with daily:

My husband spends almost every free moment obsessed with environmental issues and spiritual guru stuff which includes volunteering for a national enviro organization, preaching to his customers about living a spiritual life and being mindful, watching youtube videos, enviro documentaries, etc...   however, he's the most selfish, wasteful, environmentally-abusive man I've ever known and whenever I would confront him about it, he would say, ' I never claimed to be an environmentalist' or " I never claimed to be PERFECT LIKE YOU!"    He keeps newspaper clippings about him being an environmentalist-  If only his customers and friends and associates knew the truth. 

You see,for people like my husband  behaving ethical or moral must have some superficial immediate reward ( attention) attached to it. This is also true for ' good' behavior. They are not being moral at all- just mimicking someone else's moral behavior to gain attention, approval, accolades.  Either they are pretending to be so because someone is watching or they are trying to appear better than others ( haughty/arrogant). My husband lacks good character and is spineless most of the time.  He would sell his best friend or me ( his wife) down the river if it was easier than doing the right thing or admitting he was the one at fault for something.

Most people operate from a moral conscience on some level.  I don't believe my husband has a moral conscience or a bone of sincere empathy in his body.  He also makes up stories to make himself appear to be a caring husband.  Last year a woman called me to wish me a happy birthday and told me that my husband had a big surprise for me.  I just laughed and told her that I found that to be quite amusing since  he had never done anything for my b'day in the past.  She didn't believe me.  A few weeks after my b'day, I saw her and she asked how my b'day turned out and I said,' Same as always.  We didn't do anything' and she had this look on her face like I was lying.  I asked her what my husband had told her he was doing and I burst into laughter when she told me that he was going to cook me a fancy dinner even though he doesn't cook and the two times he made me food was a disaster.  He forgot to take the plastic off the cheese when he made a grilled cheese for me and he didn't remove the egg shell when he made me an egg salad sandwich.  I don't mean he left a few grains of shell- he used the WHOLE shell. It's a bit hard for me to believe that he didn't do that deliberately.  I mean, wouldn't a child know to remove the shell? He resented making me anything and those were examples of his passive-aggressive assaults.

[apple2]

My dBPDex couldn't even remember what month she gave up custody of her only child in.  I had to remind her.  Her memory in many other things far less significant are equally terrible.  She tries to play it off on "hormones" or "pregnancy ruined my mind."

She also completely makes things up to gain attention.  She can say one thing one day and a couple days later contradict what was professed as a "core value" with actions or words.  She is completely erratic.  

"Clap on, clap off" is the term I use to describe my husband's very very selective memory.  I really do believe that there is a chemical switch in his brain that allows him to write his own life script in any given moment.  Before I knew he had BPD, I would feel so insane trying to communicate with him because just in a matter of a minute or two, he would negate or oppose his own views or ideas or anything else he said.

Your last sentence about opposing core values describes my husband.  It was so truly bizarre that I began wondering if he had multiple personality disorder.  I never knew who was going to show up in any given moment.  

Sounds like your partner may have NPD.  my husband has NPD/BPD.  

So, here's an example of what I lived with daily:

My husband spends almost every free moment obsessed with environmental issues and spiritual guru stuff which includes volunteering for a national enviro organization, preaching to his customers about living a spiritual life and being mindful, watching youtube videos, enviro documentaries, etc...  however, he's the most selfish, wasteful, environmentally-abusive man I've ever known and whenever I would confront him about it, he would say, ' I never claimed to be an environmentalist' or " I never claimed to be PERFECT LIKE YOU!"    He keeps newspaper clippings about him being an environmentalist-  If only his customers and friends and associates knew the truth.  

You see,for people like my husband  behaving ethical or moral must have some superficial immediate reward ( attention) attached to it. This is also true for ' good' behavior. They are not being moral at all- just mimicking someone else's moral behavior to gain attention, approval, accolades.  Either they are pretending to be so because someone is watching or they are trying to appear better than others ( haughty/arrogant). My husband lacks good character and is spineless most of the time.  He would sell his best friend or me ( his wife) down the river if it was easier than doing the right thing or admitting he was the one at fault for something.

Most people operate from a moral conscience on some level.  I don't believe my husband has a moral conscience or a bone of sincere empathy in his body.  He also makes up stories to make himself appear to be a caring husband.  Last year a woman called me to wish me a happy birthday and told me that my husband had a big surprise for me.  I just laughed and told her that I found that to be quite amusing since  he had never done anything for my b'day in the past.  She didn't believe me.  A few weeks after my b'day, I saw her and she asked how my b'day turned out and I said,' Same as always.  We didn't do anything' and she had this look on her face like I was lying.  I asked her what my husband had told her he was doing and I burst into laughter when she told me that he was going to cook me a fancy dinner even though he doesn't cook and the two times he made me food was a disaster.  He forgot to take the plastic off the cheese when he made a grilled cheese for me and he didn't remove the egg shell when he made me an egg salad sandwich.  I don't mean he left a few grains of shell- he used the WHOLE shell. It's a bit hard for me to believe that he didn't do that deliberately.  I mean, wouldn't a child know to remove the shell? He resented making me anything and those were examples of his passive-aggressive assaults.

Hey there,

although I am not a doctor, but I think mine is also BPD/NPD.

Regarding the environment issue, he also cares a lot about it. Once, we discussed about the garbage classification. I only told him that one friend who works in this field told me, the garbage factory would anyway reclassify once more the garbage they got. And then he became angry and critized me that I do not care about the environment.

He also rewrote the history and said, he was with me, just because he wanted sex and did not want to be immoral, therefore, he played the role of my bf. But he said a lot of things such as you are not good enough for me, I only want to manipulate you to take revenge to Girls in General due to my own childhood, I only use you for sex... .I doubt whether he understands what is moral, what is not.

And I took him to one of the famous restaurants and I paid for the dinner. Then he complaint and said he was so happy that he did not need to go there anymore. Thousand examples, really incredible.

I really can not understand who told him to behave like this in life. But I can not teach him. I thought he is very poor because he has no close friends. But maybe he does not want. Let him be.

[Leaving]

My dBPDex couldn't even remember what month she gave up custody of her only child in.  I had to remind her.  Her memory in many other things far less significant are equally terrible.  She tries to play it off on "hormones" or "pregnancy ruined my mind."

She also completely makes things up to gain attention.  She can say one thing one day and a couple days later contradict what was professed as a "core value" with actions or words.  She is completely erratic.  

"Clap on, clap off" is the term I use to describe my husband's very very selective memory.  I really do believe that there is a chemical switch in his brain that allows him to write his own life script in any given moment.  Before I knew he had BPD, I would feel so insane trying to communicate with him because just in a matter of a minute or two, he would negate or oppose his own views or ideas or anything else he said.

Your last sentence about opposing core values describes my husband.  It was so truly bizarre that I began wondering if he had multiple personality disorder.  I never knew who was going to show up in any given moment.  

Sounds like your partner may have NPD.  my husband has NPD/BPD.  

So, here's an example of what I lived with daily:

My husband spends almost every free moment obsessed with environmental issues and spiritual guru stuff which includes volunteering for a national enviro organization, preaching to his customers about living a spiritual life and being mindful, watching youtube videos, enviro documentaries, etc...  however, he's the most selfish, wasteful, environmentally-abusive man I've ever known and whenever I would confront him about it, he would say, ' I never claimed to be an environmentalist' or " I never claimed to be PERFECT LIKE YOU!"    He keeps newspaper clippings about him being an environmentalist-  If only his customers and friends and associates knew the truth.  

You see,for people like my husband  behaving ethical or moral must have some superficial immediate reward ( attention) attached to it. This is also true for ' good' behavior. They are not being moral at all- just mimicking someone else's moral behavior to gain attention, approval, accolades.  Either they are pretending to be so because someone is watching or they are trying to appear better than others ( haughty/arrogant). My husband lacks good character and is spineless most of the time.  He would sell his best friend or me ( his wife) down the river if it was easier than doing the right thing or admitting he was the one at fault for something.

Most people operate from a moral conscience on some level.  I don't believe my husband has a moral conscience or a bone of sincere empathy in his body.  He also makes up stories to make himself appear to be a caring husband.  Last year a woman called me to wish me a happy birthday and told me that my husband had a big surprise for me.  I just laughed and told her that I found that to be quite amusing since  he had never done anything for my b'day in the past.  She didn't believe me.  A few weeks after my b'day, I saw her and she asked how my b'day turned out and I said,' Same as always.  We didn't do anything' and she had this look on her face like I was lying.  I asked her what my husband had told her he was doing and I burst into laughter when she told me that he was going to cook me a fancy dinner even though he doesn't cook and the two times he made me food was a disaster.  He forgot to take the plastic off the cheese when he made a grilled cheese for me and he didn't remove the egg shell when he made me an egg salad sandwich.  I don't mean he left a few grains of shell- he used the WHOLE shell. It's a bit hard for me to believe that he didn't do that deliberately.  I mean, wouldn't a child know to remove the shell? He resented making me anything and those were examples of his passive-aggressive assaults.

Hey there,

although I am not a doctor, but I think mine is also BPD/NPD.

Regarding the environment issue, he also cares a lot about it. Once, we discussed about the garbage classification. I only told him that one friend who works in this field told me, the garbage factory would anyway reclassify once more the garbage they got. And then he became angry and critized me that I do not care about the environment.

He also rewrote the history and said, he was with me, just because he wanted sex and did not want to be immoral, therefore, he played the role of my bf. But he said a lot of things such as you are not good enough for me, I only want to manipulate you to take revenge to Girls in General due to my own childhood, I only use you for sex... .I doubt whether he understands what is moral, what is not.

And I took him to one of the famous restaurants and I paid for the dinner. Then he complaint and said he was so happy that he did not need to go there anymore. Thousand examples, really incredible.

I really can not understand who told him to behave like this in life. But I can not teach him. I thought he is very poor because he has no close friends. But maybe he does not want. Let him be.

OH GEESH... .sounds all too familiar Apple.  He may be NPD with BPD.  Sounds like he knows how to deliberately twist his stories just to upset you AND he lacks the ability to communicate logically, reasonably and objectively.    Just in the last year, I've had more nightmares ( in my sleep) of examples of that kind of communication.  Here's another example:

I have a Japanese garden in one part of the yard that was partly shaded by the neighbor's trees.  the neighbor cut down their trees and my Japanese maple started burning in the full sun.  I asked my husband to help me move it to a shady spot and he screamed at me saying, ' Why do you hate Japanese maples? What do you have against them?'  Guess what?  My tree died and he blamed me for pruning it.  He's a certified arborist who knows perfectly well what is good and bad for trees and plants but he will allow any plant to suffer if it means that he can oppose me and get his own way.  He's truly a spineless man.

Here's an example of the borderline ' all or nothing' thinking that I lived with every single day:

One of the fans on the woodstove quit working and so, I purchased another with the full intention of replacing it myself.  My husband insisted that he would do it.  We've used this stove for years without any problems.  The entire time he complained saying, ' Piece of sh** fireplace, if you didn't buy this, we wouldn't have this problem.  If you didn't hire that man to install it, we wouldn't have this problem.  If we didn't live in this sh** house we wouldn't have this problem"  and my response to him was "AND if I had not married you, I wouldn't be living here with you and this problem!"  I rarely ever respond that way but sometimes his polarized whining really gets to me!

Apple, that's just horrible to be alone in those crazy insane conversations.  I remember many years ago that one of his friends told me that no one even bothers to listen to him and they just nod their heads and basically ignore him.  RED FLAG!

[apple2]

My dBPDex couldn't even remember what month she gave up custody of her only child in.  I had to remind her.  Her memory in many other things far less significant are equally terrible.  She tries to play it off on "hormones" or "pregnancy ruined my mind."

She also completely makes things up to gain attention.  She can say one thing one day and a couple days later contradict what was professed as a "core value" with actions or words.  She is completely erratic.  

"Clap on, clap off" is the term I use to describe my husband's very very selective memory.  I really do believe that there is a chemical switch in his brain that allows him to write his own life script in any given moment.  Before I knew he had BPD, I would feel so insane trying to communicate with him because just in a matter of a minute or two, he would negate or oppose his own views or ideas or anything else he said.

Your last sentence about opposing core values describes my husband.  It was so truly bizarre that I began wondering if he had multiple personality disorder.  I never knew who was going to show up in any given moment.  

Sounds like your partner may have NPD.  my husband has NPD/BPD.  

So, here's an example of what I lived with daily:

My husband spends almost every free moment obsessed with environmental issues and spiritual guru stuff which includes volunteering for a national enviro organization, preaching to his customers about living a spiritual life and being mindful, watching youtube videos, enviro documentaries, etc...  however, he's the most selfish, wasteful, environmentally-abusive man I've ever known and whenever I would confront him about it, he would say, ' I never claimed to be an environmentalist' or " I never claimed to be PERFECT LIKE YOU!"    He keeps newspaper clippings about him being an environmentalist-  If only his customers and friends and associates knew the truth.  

You see,for people like my husband  behaving ethical or moral must have some superficial immediate reward ( attention) attached to it. This is also true for ' good' behavior. They are not being moral at all- just mimicking someone else's moral behavior to gain attention, approval, accolades.  Either they are pretending to be so because someone is watching or they are trying to appear better than others ( haughty/arrogant). My husband lacks good character and is spineless most of the time.  He would sell his best friend or me ( his wife) down the river if it was easier than doing the right thing or admitting he was the one at fault for something.

Most people operate from a moral conscience on some level.  I don't believe my husband has a moral conscience or a bone of sincere empathy in his body.  He also makes up stories to make himself appear to be a caring husband.  Last year a woman called me to wish me a happy birthday and told me that my husband had a big surprise for me.  I just laughed and told her that I found that to be quite amusing since  he had never done anything for my b'day in the past.  She didn't believe me.  A few weeks after my b'day, I saw her and she asked how my b'day turned out and I said,' Same as always.  We didn't do anything' and she had this look on her face like I was lying.  I asked her what my husband had told her he was doing and I burst into laughter when she told me that he was going to cook me a fancy dinner even though he doesn't cook and the two times he made me food was a disaster.  He forgot to take the plastic off the cheese when he made a grilled cheese for me and he didn't remove the egg shell when he made me an egg salad sandwich.  I don't mean he left a few grains of shell- he used the WHOLE shell. It's a bit hard for me to believe that he didn't do that deliberately.  I mean, wouldn't a child know to remove the shell? He resented making me anything and those were examples of his passive-aggressive assaults.

Hey there,

although I am not a doctor, but I think mine is also BPD/NPD.

Regarding the environment issue, he also cares a lot about it. Once, we discussed about the garbage classification. I only told him that one friend who works in this field told me, the garbage factory would anyway reclassify once more the garbage they got. And then he became angry and critized me that I do not care about the environment.

He also rewrote the history and said, he was with me, just because he wanted sex and did not want to be immoral, therefore, he played the role of my bf. But he said a lot of things such as you are not good enough for me, I only want to manipulate you to take revenge to Girls in General due to my own childhood, I only use you for sex... .I doubt whether he understands what is moral, what is not.

And I took him to one of the famous restaurants and I paid for the dinner. Then he complaint and said he was so happy that he did not need to go there anymore. Thousand examples, really incredible.

I really can not understand who told him to behave like this in life. But I can not teach him. I thought he is very poor because he has no close friends. But maybe he does not want. Let him be.

OH GEESH... .sounds all too familiar Apple.  He may be NPD with BPD.  Sounds like he knows how to deliberately twist his stories just to upset you AND he lacks the ability to communicate logically, reasonably and objectively.    Just in the last year, I've had more nightmares ( in my sleep) of examples of that kind of communication.  Here's another example:

I have a Japanese garden in one part of the yard that was partly shaded by the neighbor's trees.  the neighbor cut down their trees and my Japanese maple started burning in the full sun.  I asked my husband to help me move it to a shady spot and he screamed at me saying, ' Why do you hate Japanese maples? What do you have against them?'  Guess what?  My tree died and he blamed me for pruning it.  He's a certified arborist who knows perfectly well what is good and bad for trees and plants but he will allow any plant to suffer if it means that he can oppose me and get his own way.  He's truly a spineless man.

Here's an example of the borderline ' all or nothing' thinking that I lived with every single day:

One of the fans on the woodstove quit working and so, I purchased another with the full intention of replacing it myself.  My husband insisted that he would do it.  We've used this stove for years without any problems.  The entire time he complained saying, ' Piece of sh** fireplace, if you didn't buy this, we wouldn't have this problem.  If you didn't hire that man to install it, we wouldn't have this problem.  If we didn't live in this sh** house we wouldn't have this problem"  and my response to him was "AND if I had not married you, I wouldn't be living here with you and this problem!"  I rarely ever respond that way but sometimes his polarized whining really gets to me!

Apple, that's just horrible to be alone in those crazy insane conversations.  I remember many years ago that one of his friends told me that no one even bothers to listen to him and they just nod their heads and basically ignore him.  RED FLAG!

Hey leaving,

your examples also sound familiar to me. The friend of your husband is right. Right now, I also don't bother to listen to mine, because there is no logic at all. What he said and did, is so ridiculous. Everything is about his wish, his need, his feeling, his mood... .after the 1. break-up, he wanted to be back. He just told me, he did not know what he said at the time of break-up or he exaggerated a little bit... .

I totally share the same feeling. That's horrible to be alone in those crazy insane conversations. Even if I paid for the restaurants, I paid for our vocation, he still complaint how miserable the time was with me. I booked a good hotel for us and paid by myself, because I wanted him to have a good rest. And then he critized my life style as if I were a material girl. Crazy! Even if I were, why I did not buy something for myself but paid for him. I just feel it is lack of basic understanding of life and respect.  

Maybe the following description is not appropriate. But if I give a piece of meat to a dog, the dog would not bite me back. But mine would never be satisfied and just attacked me back, hurted me to death, and denied he was the person who wanted to be with me.

I dare not to tell my story to my friends. Everyone would be furious. Even my therapist told me that she was furious, because the good things he did is every boyfriend will do, but the bad things he did really hit a human being's limit. I want my normal life back. HUG!

[Leaving]

My dBPDex couldn't even remember what month she gave up custody of her only child in.  I had to remind her.  Her memory in many other things far less significant are equally terrible.  She tries to play it off on "hormones" or "pregnancy ruined my mind."

She also completely makes things up to gain attention.  She can say one thing one day and a couple days later contradict what was professed as a "core value" with actions or words.  She is completely erratic.  

"Clap on, clap off" is the term I use to describe my husband's very very selective memory.  I really do believe that there is a chemical switch in his brain that allows him to write his own life script in any given moment.  Before I knew he had BPD, I would feel so insane trying to communicate with him because just in a matter of a minute or two, he would negate or oppose his own views or ideas or anything else he said.

Your last sentence about opposing core values describes my husband.  It was so truly bizarre that I began wondering if he had multiple personality disorder.  I never knew who was going to show up in any given moment.  

Sounds like your partner may have NPD.  my husband has NPD/BPD.  

So, here's an example of what I lived with daily:

My husband spends almost every free moment obsessed with environmental issues and spiritual guru stuff which includes volunteering for a national enviro organization, preaching to his customers about living a spiritual life and being mindful, watching youtube videos, enviro documentaries, etc...  however, he's the most selfish, wasteful, environmentally-abusive man I've ever known and whenever I would confront him about it, he would say, ' I never claimed to be an environmentalist' or " I never claimed to be PERFECT LIKE YOU!"    He keeps newspaper clippings about him being an environmentalist-  If only his customers and friends and associates knew the truth.  

You see,for people like my husband  behaving ethical or moral must have some superficial immediate reward ( attention) attached to it. This is also true for ' good' behavior. They are not being moral at all- just mimicking someone else's moral behavior to gain attention, approval, accolades.  Either they are pretending to be so because someone is watching or they are trying to appear better than others ( haughty/arrogant). My husband lacks good character and is spineless most of the time.  He would sell his best friend or me ( his wife) down the river if it was easier than doing the right thing or admitting he was the one at fault for something.

Most people operate from a moral conscience on some level.  I don't believe my husband has a moral conscience or a bone of sincere empathy in his body.  He also makes up stories to make himself appear to be a caring husband.  Last year a woman called me to wish me a happy birthday and told me that my husband had a big surprise for me.  I just laughed and told her that I found that to be quite amusing since  he had never done anything for my b'day in the past.  She didn't believe me.  A few weeks after my b'day, I saw her and she asked how my b'day turned out and I said,' Same as always.  We didn't do anything' and she had this look on her face like I was lying.  I asked her what my husband had told her he was doing and I burst into laughter when she told me that he was going to cook me a fancy dinner even though he doesn't cook and the two times he made me food was a disaster.  He forgot to take the plastic off the cheese when he made a grilled cheese for me and he didn't remove the egg shell when he made me an egg salad sandwich.  I don't mean he left a few grains of shell- he used the WHOLE shell. It's a bit hard for me to believe that he didn't do that deliberately.  I mean, wouldn't a child know to remove the shell? He resented making me anything and those were examples of his passive-aggressive assaults.

Hey there,

although I am not a doctor, but I think mine is also BPD/NPD.

Regarding the environment issue, he also cares a lot about it. Once, we discussed about the garbage classification. I only told him that one friend who works in this field told me, the garbage factory would anyway reclassify once more the garbage they got. And then he became angry and critized me that I do not care about the environment.

He also rewrote the history and said, he was with me, just because he wanted sex and did not want to be immoral, therefore, he played the role of my bf. But he said a lot of things such as you are not good enough for me, I only want to manipulate you to take revenge to Girls in General due to my own childhood, I only use you for sex... .I doubt whether he understands what is moral, what is not.

And I took him to one of the famous restaurants and I paid for the dinner. Then he complaint and said he was so happy that he did not need to go there anymore. Thousand examples, really incredible.

I really can not understand who told him to behave like this in life. But I can not teach him. I thought he is very poor because he has no close friends. But maybe he does not want. Let him be.

OH GEESH... .sounds all too familiar Apple.  He may be NPD with BPD.  Sounds like he knows how to deliberately twist his stories just to upset you AND he lacks the ability to communicate logically, reasonably and objectively.    Just in the last year, I've had more nightmares ( in my sleep) of examples of that kind of communication.  Here's another example:

I have a Japanese garden in one part of the yard that was partly shaded by the neighbor's trees.  the neighbor cut down their trees and my Japanese maple started burning in the full sun.  I asked my husband to help me move it to a shady spot and he screamed at me saying, ' Why do you hate Japanese maples? What do you have against them?'  Guess what?  My tree died and he blamed me for pruning it.  He's a certified arborist who knows perfectly well what is good and bad for trees and plants but he will allow any plant to suffer if it means that he can oppose me and get his own way.  He's truly a spineless man.

Here's an example of the borderline ' all or nothing' thinking that I lived with every single day:

One of the fans on the woodstove quit working and so, I purchased another with the full intention of replacing it myself.  My husband insisted that he would do it.  We've used this stove for years without any problems.  The entire time he complained saying, ' Piece of sh** fireplace, if you didn't buy this, we wouldn't have this problem.  If you didn't hire that man to install it, we wouldn't have this problem.  If we didn't live in this sh** house we wouldn't have this problem"  and my response to him was "AND if I had not married you, I wouldn't be living here with you and this problem!"  I rarely ever respond that way but sometimes his polarized whining really gets to me!

Apple, that's just horrible to be alone in those crazy insane conversations.  I remember many years ago that one of his friends told me that no one even bothers to listen to him and they just nod their heads and basically ignore him.  RED FLAG!

Hey leaving,

your examples also sound familiar to me. The friend of your husband is right. Right now, I also don't bother to listen to mine, because there is no logic at all. What he said and did, is so ridiculous. Everything is about his wish, his need, his feeling, his mood... .after the 1. break-up, he wanted to be back. He just told me, he did not know what he said at the time of break-up or he exaggerated a little bit... .

I totally share the same feeling. That's horrible to be alone in those crazy insane conversations. Even if I paid for the restaurants, I paid for our vocation, he still complaint how miserable the time was with me. I booked a good hotel for us and paid by myself, because I wanted him to have a good rest. And then he critized my life style as if I were a material girl. Crazy! Even if I were, why I did not buy something for myself but paid for him. I just feel it is lack of basic understanding of life and respect.  

Maybe the following description is not appropriate. But if I give a piece of meat to a dog, the dog would not bite me back. But mine would never be satisfied and just attacked me back, hurted me to death, and denied he was the person who wanted to be with me.

I dare not to tell my story to my friends. Everyone would be furious. Even my therapist told me that she was furious, because the good things he did is every boyfriend will do, but the bad things he did really hit a human being's limit. I want my normal life back. HUG!

Apple,

That's horrible. 

I sometimes use a similar analogy of a dog like this:  A person dangling a piece of meat in front of a hungry dog and as soon as the dog reaches for the meat, the owner kicks it in the mouth.  In this analogy, we are the dogs because our partners are teasing us and leading us on- at times, making us believe that they care but as soon as we show them caring and love, they kick us.

I do think there is some sort of cognitive issue with our men but the more I hear, the more I do believe that your man is NPD.  Have you ever watched any youtube videos about NPD abuse?  Some of them are very helpful.  Also, my husband is very passive aggressive to the point of being severely abusive.  PA behavior is also known as negativistic personality disorder.  You might want to learn more about that. 

It's a shame that we must become someone that we are not in order to preserve our sanity and dignity in these types of relationships but we must until we leave.  What I mean is that we need to become a more selfish person when dealing with NPD/BPD and not enable them to abuse us.  We are caring loving people and we are in essence, ' watering a dead plant' while other healthy plants in the garden ( other good people in the world) could be benefiting and responding positively to our nourishment. 

[apple2]

Apple,

That's horrible. 

I sometimes use a similar analogy of a dog like this:  A person dangling a piece of meat in front of a hungry dog and as soon as the dog reaches for the meat, the owner kicks it in the mouth.  In this analogy, we are the dogs because our partners are teasing us and leading us on- at times, making us believe that they care but as soon as we show them caring and love, they kick us.

I do think there is some sort of cognitive issue with our men but the more I hear, the more I do believe that your man is NPD.  Have you ever watched any youtube videos about NPD abuse?  Some of them are very helpful.  Also, my husband is very passive aggressive to the point of being severely abusive.  PA behavior is also known as negativistic personality disorder.  You might want to learn more about that. 

It's a shame that we must become someone that we are not in order to preserve our sanity and dignity in these types of relationships but we must until we leave.  What I mean is that we need to become a more selfish person when dealing with NPD/BPD and not enable them to abuse us.  We are caring loving people and we are in essence, ' watering a dead plant' while other healthy plants in the garden ( other good people in the world) could be benefiting and responding positively to our nourishment.  [/quote]
Hi leaving,

I recently watched some videos about NPD. Mine has at least a couple of similar traits. On the other side, he is deeply insecure and not so confident.  Anyway, I gradually feel that it is no doubt emotional abuse, regardless which kind of disorder he has. He does not want to change, therefore, I also do not bother to water the dead plant anymore. Otherwise, my heart will be broken again and again. Even just as a normal friend, It would also be hard for me to accept what he said.

He does not have close friends. I regarded him as poor, therefore, I decided to give him more care and love. But if he still behaves like this, no friends is really what he deserves.

I also want to be "selfish" this time. Even a stranger who helped me to repair my roof wished me all the best, when he saw I was depressed at home. But when I was crying, mine kept on attacking me with his words. I decide to give my love and care to my friends and family members who really care about me.

Let's move on to a healthy and happy life!

[Deeno02]

I got her through her separation/divorce, child care issues, death of her mother and estate, encouraged her to get her coaching certifications, house foreclosure, took her kids (5 of them)around to sleep overs, soccer, football practices, volleyball practices while she coached and worked tournaments, but yet all she seems to remember is that 1. Never bought her anything 2. Never took her on vacation when I was supposed to 3. Never spent anytime with her. Whatever... .