Was your PwBPD unable to "initiate" anything?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Just something that always found a little strange.

Mine used to just send me emoji's in text messages, and she'd send them over and over again until I responded.

At best I would get a one word text like "hi"

She could never, ever text "hi how is your day going" or anything like that.

I notice that she is like this when it comes to everything, she never EVER suggests or initiates ANYTHING

It's never "shall we hang out" it's "I miss you" and then expect me to suggest we hang out. She will never suggest a place to go it's always "we should do something fun"

I dunno it's like she's incapable of making a decision, or initiating anything, she just kind of gets you to come up with everything, never has an original thought.

very odd

[Infern0]

Just something that always found a little strange.

Mine used to just send me emoji's in text messages, and she'd send them over and over again until I responded.

At best I would get a one word text like "hi"

She could never, ever text "hi how is your day going" or anything like that.

I notice that she is like this when it comes to everything, she never EVER suggests or initiates ANYTHING

It's never "shall we hang out" it's "I miss you" and then expect me to suggest we hang out. She will never suggest a place to go it's always "we should do something fun"

I dunno it's like she's incapable of making a decision, or initiating anything, she just kind of gets you to come up with everything, never has an original thought.

very odd

[jhkbuzz]

Just something that always found a little strange.

Mine used to just send me emoji's in text messages, and she'd send them over and over again until I responded.

At best I would get a one word text like "hi"

She could never, ever text "hi how is your day going" or anything like that.

I notice that she is like this when it comes to everything, she never EVER suggests or initiates ANYTHING

It's never "shall we hang out" it's "I miss you" and then expect me to suggest we hang out. She will never suggest a place to go it's always "we should do something fun"

I dunno it's like she's incapable of making a decision, or initiating anything, she just kind of gets you to come up with everything, never has an original thought.

very odd

I don't think everything is driven by BPD.  People are just different... .

[downwhim]

Mine wanted me to initiate everything that way if it went wrong I was to blame.

[Seriously?]

Yep. He even told me he was just following my lead in getting married.  I don't know if it was on purpose or just has way of communication.  He was passive  in his communication,  and I am not.  I would get frustrated and say what I thought he was trying to say.  He would agree, but if there were any problems later, it was blamed on me Even when he did everything to make it happen but say it straight out.

[Infared]

This is what I experienced. Now I see it clearly... .I think that she needs another person to have a personality. During mirroring and through my entire relationship I was expected to steer the ship... .I thought it was different... .but I would always pause and say what do you think? Do you have an opinion etc... .and it got to the point where I accepted that I was expected to "run things"... .with consideration.

Oh... .boy... .but do things change when she latched onto new supply. I was controlling and everything that I did was wrong... .

Whatever.

[hergestridge]

Sure my wife did initiate things. The frustrating thing was that it just just whims and impulses. She would never follow through a plan.

And she would initiate things on her own. Initiating things meant convincing someone to initiate something with her.

Eventually she *did* intiate things on her own (go to a concert for example). But she never saw this as a sucess or something good. It was just a sign that I didn't care for her, that I was not part of her life.

Inedependence meant loneliness in her world.

[Infared]

Sure my wife did initiate things. The frustrating thing was that it just just whims and impulses. She would never follow through a plan.

And she would initiate things on her own. Initiating things meant convincing someone to initiate something with her.

Eventually she *did* intiate things on her own (go to a concert for example). But she never saw this as a sucess or something good. It was just a sign that I didn't care for her, that I was not part of her life.

Inedependence meant loneliness in her world.

YES!

[fred6]

Sure my wife did initiate things. The frustrating thing was that it just just whims and impulses. She would never follow through a plan.

And she would initiate things on her own. Initiating things meant convincing someone to initiate something with her.

Eventually she *did* intiate things on her own (go to a concert for example). But she never saw this as a sucess or something good. It was just a sign that I didn't care for her, that I was not part of her life.

Inedependence meant loneliness in her world.

YES!

My ex didn't initiate very much during our 3 years together. Sex was never initiated by her. I always found that very odd.

[hergestridge]

Sure my wife did initiate things. The frustrating thing was that it just just whims and impulses. She would never follow through a plan.

And she would initiate things on her own. Initiating things meant convincing someone to initiate something with her.

Eventually she *did* intiate things on her own (go to a concert for example). But she never saw this as a sucess or something good. It was just a sign that I didn't care for her, that I was not part of her life.

Inedependence meant loneliness in her world.

YES!

My ex didn't initiate very much during our 3 years together. Sex was never initiated by her. I always found that very odd.

Really?

Initiative was a huge issue for us. If I would initiate, she would back out because she wanted to be in control. So she always had to initiate, something that left her feeling unwanted and unattractive. She really made it completely impossible for me to make her happy. I was set up to fail and she was guaranteed to be unhappy.

[raisins3142]

My uBPDexgf had father issues, I believe, and wanted a replacement.  Despite being 6 years older, she liked me to grow a beard because I would look even older when I did. 

She also not only wanted a strong, dominant man, but I had to be perfect in this regard (I suppose without coming off as overbearing somehow).

So, if I did not plan or initiate activities, then it was my failure to not do this all the time and my fault if we were bored (she didn't say those exact words, but it was clear).  She had no opinion and her default was to want to lay around and binge watch movies or tv shows.  I'd ask for her input on plans and she'd just say "I can't help you".

This was also partly mirroring/lack of identity, I think.

I had to initiate all conversations about values or other things, and she would have much less to respond and just agree.

Towards the end, I lost my sexual attraction to her and stop initiating sex as much.  She said before that she could not initiate sex.

At the end, she began to initiate sex somewhat simply because she realized what was going on in and why I was not initiating as much.  But it came off as creepy and mechanical.  No kissing or any "ramp up", just the feeling of a cold hand slithering toward its target to get the response so that she felt everything wasn't so bad.

[myself]

She'd initiate some good stuff, but not much. She was more along the lines of beginning to make plans/come up with ideas of nice things to do, but then not following through. It seemed she'd be more active in actually doing 'fun' stuff with other people during times she had withdrawn/broken up with me, but that was more to fill her time and act like/convince herself and others there was nothing wrong in her life more than she was really into it. Come to think of it, she was really proficient in initiating the painful stuff.

[goateeki]

My uBPDexgf had father issues, I believe, and wanted a replacement.  Despite being 6 years older, she liked me to grow a beard because I would look even older when I did. 

She also not only wanted a strong, dominant man, but I had to be perfect in this regard (I suppose without coming off as overbearing somehow).

So, if I did not plan or initiate activities, then it was my failure to not do this all the time and my fault if we were bored (she didn't say those exact words, but it was clear).  She had no opinion and her default was to want to lay around and binge watch movies or tv shows.  I'd ask for her input on plans and she'd just say "I can't help you".

This was also partly mirroring/lack of identity, I think.

I had to initiate all conversations about values or other things, and she would have much less to respond and just agree.

Towards the end, I lost my sexual attraction to her and stop initiating sex as much.  She said before that she could not initiate sex.

At the end, she began to initiate sex somewhat simply because she realized what was going on in and why I was not initiating as much.  But it came off as creepy and mechanical.  No kissing or any "ramp up", just the feeling of a cold hand slithering toward its target to get the response so that she felt everything wasn't so bad.

raisin, so true.  Had very similar experiences.  Mine was attacked and brutally raped shortly after our courtship began (I, like a fool, felt compelled to not abandon her after this) but I can count on one hand the number of times she initiated sex in our twenty years together.  We had a three week Italy honeymoon and had sex exactly three times. 

The lack of initiative permeated everything.  She would not cook dinner, so I would ask if she would like to go to a restaurant for dinner.  I'd suggest a restaurant, she would reject it.  I would ask her to select a restaurant. She would not have a suggestion.  It would go on like this sometimes for five or six restaurant suggestions. Never would she think of a place she would like to eat on her own and indicate that, but she could reject the selections I was forced to make (or we'd go hungry).  Once I just walked out and got something to eat.

How we spent leisure time was subjected to exactly the same ritual.  My CBT has told me that these tendencies were well set in long before I met her (her mother abandoned the family for a man 13 years her junior when my ex was about 11 and her sister 8 or 9) and that she probably endured a very chaotic early childhood.  Then, of course, she was raped.  There was also an abortion along the way, possibly when she was 13 or 14. 

I can't believe that I tolerated the relationship as long as I did.  I knew it was deeply flawed, but I remained at my post, as it were. I put it down to character. 

But relationships are not things to be endured, are they?

[Deeno02]

I'd plan stuff, it would be wrong. I didnt plan stuff, It was wrong. Couldnt win for losing.