finally told him I want to split

[LouHMD]

Finally told my uNPD/BPD husband the marriage (18 years) needs to end. No matter how much he says he wants things to go back to how they were, I  just can't trust him ever again after his second infidelity and my heart feels closed. At least it woke me up and gave me the motivation to get myself and the kids out and away from his emotional and verbal abuse. Unfortunately it's been 8 months that i've been dragging my feet, afraid of what he will happen. Now I need to be strong. A month ago when he pressed me I said I wanted a divorce, then caved to his pressure. He's tried to be on his best behavior since and at times I start to question whether it was really as bad as I remember. Then I remind myself he tried to run me over with the car (or just pretended to to try and scare me). I feel more prepared this time but still know there is going to be a lot of pressure to change my mind. I waited until he was away on a trip and at his mothers (who he called for emotional support the last time I said I wanted out-figured if he needs emotional support that is best place for him to be.) But I woke up this morning dreaming that he had shown up here unannounced. I'm actually worried he may just do that-get on a plane back here and cancel the rest of his sales trip. Why does it seem so hard to stand up for myself and say enough is enough? He's so good at making me feel guilty. I'm thinking maybe I should have a bag packed just in case.

[livednlearned]

Hi LouHMD,

I'm sorry I missed this post. Are you doing ok? It's hard to leave these relationships. It took me 4 years to finally go.

That's quite a dream you had, to think he showed up unannounced. Your question about why it's so hard to stand up for yourself and say enough is enough is a good one, probably the most important one to ask. Often our own role in these relationships and how we respond goes back a long ways to our families of origins where we learned about boundaries in intimate relationships (or lack of boundaries). Is there someone in your family who put himself (or herself) first at your expense? It was that way in my family, it's what I knew.

Be kind to yourself no matter what you decide to do. Staying when you want to go doesn't mean something is wrong with you. It just means you need something that's missing right now. If you keep asking good questions like you are, that support will begin to collect and you'll find the strength to do what you need to do. And even if you have already left, the same applies. Sometimes people leave and come back to the relationship, and that's ok too. Or they leave and have strong yearnings to return. All of this is ok.



LnL