dealing with nightmares after abuse by uBPDm

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi there,

Because of the great number of replies (for which I’m so grateful!) my previous thread has been locked so I’m starting a new one. 

I am currently troubled by nightmares. Not the kind where you get one nasty dream a night. I literally get 10 to 15 nightmares a night and I often wake up from my own voice talking (when I’m shouting in the dreams). By morning, I’m usually so exhausted that I wonder why I actually went to sleep at all.

I have PTSD and at the moment I’m receiving EMDR therapy (see https://www.emdr.com/general-information/what-is-emdr/what-is-emdr.html) and I think it’s likely that while I’m working on the traumatic memories, my mind keeps processing things at night. (I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused by my uBPDm.) Also, I notice that I’m getting more in touch with my emotions since I’ve been on this board, which is a very good thing, but it also means that my mind is busy processing those emotions that I’ve never before allowed myself to feel.

I’m trying to keep track of all those dreams and there doesn’t seem to be any constant factor in them except fear. Another thing I struggle with is determining my priorities for my daily recovery time. I'd like to spend more time than 2 hours a day but that'd be too exhausting. I intend to write both the dream diary and the abusology though.

For now I’m interested in your experiences with dreams and nightmares… and of course all advice on this topic is very welcome.

I hope this is topic not too far out for this board 'cause I haven't seen a topic like this one before (but maybe I've overlooked it... .)

Thanks in advance for sharing 

Love,

Polly

[polly87]

Hi there,

Because of the great number of replies (for which I’m so grateful!) my previous thread has been locked so I’m starting a new one. 

I am currently troubled by nightmares. Not the kind where you get one nasty dream a night. I literally get 10 to 15 nightmares a night and I often wake up from my own voice talking (when I’m shouting in the dreams). By morning, I’m usually so exhausted that I wonder why I actually went to sleep at all.

I have PTSD and at the moment I’m receiving EMDR therapy (see https://www.emdr.com/general-information/what-is-emdr/what-is-emdr.html) and I think it’s likely that while I’m working on the traumatic memories, my mind keeps processing things at night. (I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused by my uBPDm.) Also, I notice that I’m getting more in touch with my emotions since I’ve been on this board, which is a very good thing, but it also means that my mind is busy processing those emotions that I’ve never before allowed myself to feel.

I’m trying to keep track of all those dreams and there doesn’t seem to be any constant factor in them except fear. Another thing I struggle with is determining my priorities for my daily recovery time. I'd like to spend more time than 2 hours a day but that'd be too exhausting. I intend to write both the dream diary and the abusology though.

For now I’m interested in your experiences with dreams and nightmares… and of course all advice on this topic is very welcome.

I hope this is topic not too far out for this board 'cause I haven't seen a topic like this one before (but maybe I've overlooked it... .)

Thanks in advance for sharing 

Love,

Polly

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, Polly,

Thanks for telling us about your processing. Sounds rough.  :'(

I don't have PTSD, but I do go through periods of time of heightened nightmare activity directly related to memories/feelings about my pwBPD. I hate it. So irritating - especially when I'm in a much healthier place than I used to be. I figure it's leftover processing related to the powerlessness I once felt about those people, but I wish I didn't have to remember it when I woke up. So I feel for you!

[polly87]

Thanks Claudiaduffy.   

I suppose heightened emotional activity is linked to heightened nightmare activity... .That'd explain a lot in my case. A number of weeks ago, I slowly began to allow myself to feel the emotions that have been locked for years.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Polly

Wow sounds like your subconscious is in overdrive!

Nightmares occur at different times in your sleep cycle for different reasons.

In effect, a thought or feeling or experience is processed via dreaming and then filed and cross referenced into a gazillion different regions of your brain. ie a dream about a blue book might get filed under blue, book, things that are blue, things that are books, things that are square, things that sound like look, things that start with the letter b, and that's before it even gets into the part where it's stored in the limbic memory under "How do i feel about blue? how do i feel about books? Did I like a song that had blue in the title? or Book in the chorus?" Etc etc. So you can see that the processor units in the brain, in particular the occipital cortex is in full flight just dealing with benign objects.

Once feelings come into it, there's more activity escalating to those things which the conscious mind simply cannot deal with.

And these are the ones that come out as nightmares - psychological injuries requiring attention.

Now you mention the CPTSD which means there has been long term damage to your limbic brain (deals with emotions and memory)

By the work you are doing you are affecting the actual structure of the regions in there. These are hard at work in nightmares and prompt stimulation of cortisol and adrenaline - that is the cause of sweats, high pulse, fear response etc.

My concern is that you are having too much emotional stimulation causing rapid fire responses to the fears that are surfacing for you.

Are you comfortable with the idea of having rests from your therapeutic work? Also are you complementing the hard work with soothing experiences?

it's easy to get involved and motivated in the work but ultimately you are dealing with some ravaging painful stuff and the other parts of your brain need stimulus to balance it out. Listening to soothing music or taking in a lovely scene, watching a feelgood movie can all work to counterbalance the growth happening and bring down your fear levels. Otherwise you are just not gonna get the sleep you need for a good recovery!

On a personal note. i have been having some incredibly disturbing dreams lately. Or nightmares. There is an ocean theme to them and also horrible imagery.

I have had nightmares about the ocean since I was little which is odd because I LOVE the ocean. I dreamed I was in this submersible vehicle with a huge round strong clear screen looking out into water that was this glorious teal blue - I could see for miles and was filled with wonder to be moving through this crystal water when WHAM! this dead body gets flung across the screen! Awful. I won't detail more but it greatly disturbed me in it's suddenness and for sullying this beautiful place I was in. Subsequent dreams have been like it but worse.

I am at a loss because I have been focussing on slow kind sensitive healing work and trying to contact self compassion.

Shudder!

[polly87]

Hi Ziggiddy and thanks for your response.

I’m sorry you also suffer from nightmares. It seems to me as if your dream means that while you were enjoying yourself (as a kid I guess), suddenly the most terrible things happen and you didn’t expect them… But then that dream might mean something else entirely… ?

Maybe those nightmares are happening precisely because you are being kind to yourself, allowing yourself to process emotions and memories.

As for me, I had two normal nights in a row and yesterday I got triggered and I went to sleep feeling anxious and yet I didn’t have any nightmares. I’ve been extremely tired today though so I suppose my mind was busy again last night.

By the work you are doing you are affecting the actual structure of the regions in there. These are hard at work in nightmares and prompt stimulation of cortisol and adrenaline - that is the cause of sweats, high pulse, fear response etc.

Thanks for your explanation. I hadn’t thought of these factors in this way before. It makes sense that my brain is responding to T by stimulating adrenaline. Of course the heightened adrenaline levels (besides the thoughts and emotions I have) are also the cause of my getting triggered so easily (and it’s even worse when I’m tired or when I recently had a T session).

My concern is that you are having too much emotional stimulation causing rapid fire responses to the fears that are surfacing for you.

I hadn’t  the faintest idea that one could have too much emotional stimulation. I’m not that good with emotions, you know 

But yes, now that you mention it, it’s a bit much. I go to T once every two weeks and I feel both like it’s too much and too little at the same time. Too much as in: the emotions it evokes are too strong and I find it hard to deal with them. When I’m cycling home (or sometimes even during T), I often notice myself tuning out again. Too little as in: I wish I could speed up this process.

Are you comfortable with the idea of having rests from your therapeutic work? Also are you complementing the hard work with soothing experiences?

Erm, well… no actually not… Sometimes I take a couple of days “off” and then I notice that I tend to forget what I’ve learned. Two steps forward, one step back. And creating soothing experiences for myself is not one of my top skills  . I feel like I don’t deserve to be soothed. During yoga class today, we had to massage ourselves and I was so disgusted by my body that I had to cry.

it's easy to get involved and motivated in the work but ultimately you are dealing with some ravaging painful stuff and the other parts of your brain need stimulus to balance it out. Listening to soothing music or taking in a lovely scene, watching a feelgood movie can all work to counterbalance the growth happening and bring down your fear levels. Otherwise you are just not gonna get the sleep you need for a good recovery!

That’s very true. When I’m tired, my mind becomes a blur and it becomes too hard to see which thoughts I’m having are true and which aren’t.

Fear is a good point. Yesterday I got triggered and afterwards I realised I crave a safe place, in an emotional sense I mean. I long for a place where there no bad things have happened. For instance, the living room and the hall of our home feel unsafe to me because of the difficult talks and feelings that took place while I was there. When I’m triggered I don’t understand the difference between past and present; everything becomes one big blur. So I try to visualise a safe place like the restaurant I once went to with my aunt (my dad’s sister) because nothing happened there that made me feel guilty. I don’t know why I’m diverting from the topic by the way but I guess I just had to get this out.

Anyhow, I think it’s a good idea to allow myself some relaxing experiences. I’ll have to think of some way to fit them into my daily routine…

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Polly,

very interesting some of the things you say there.

I was moved by the idea of you not feeling comfortable with self-soothing - almost like you don't deserve to be soothed.

I once read a quote that helped me with the idea of not deserving. It is this: the best way to pay for a lovely moment is to enjoy it. Perhaps that can help with the idea that you are obliged to enjoy some things in your life.

I like that you found a safe place in the restaurant. Me I took days and days to think of a safe place and the first half a dozen were quickly annexed by other people who deserved the beauty of my special places more than me. It's worth the effort though. it may take some time to get in the habit of going to the safe place. I try and meet litle Ziggy there as much as I can. I am constantly finding her back in her childhood room unable to look at me, covered in tension. She is compulsively busy and her glasses are huge and opaque.

But I take her back to the safe place again and again. The first time she surprised me by asking if her brother could come.   What? The same brother who beat her up and humiliated and bullied her? Hmm.

Since then I have met my best friend there - who loved me to pieces and died as a child. How I longed for her and to see her there changed the light in my day.

Anyhow it might be worth you encouraging yourself to find sanctuary there. You need it somewhere.

As far as massaging your body being upsetting to you I can understand this. You have spent your whole life looking at yourself through 'ugly' eyes - I mean how can you stand yourself when your own parents don't love you right? Surely this means you must be ugly despicable unworthy etc. This feeling is much much deeper for incest survivors and even more so from mother/daughter incest survivors. But the fact that you feel something like this is a good indicator that your mind knows your heart is quite wrong.

I found myself hating absolutely loathing my body - most especially my breasts which I couldn't bear to look at but also my thighs. I even stopped wearing certain clothing as a result.

I had this event one day which really changed things for me.

I was staying holiday accommodation with my sister (who is obese) and I was hauling my army surplus bag into my room from the car. I caught sight of myself unexpectedly in a mirror and thought the usual "Aaargh! Yuck! then I stopped and looked at the bag over my shoulder and thought "How can you be so mad at this body that is dragging your heavy bag around? That is going to split you firewood? that has been dragged up hills to lookouts and made to sleep on hard ground out camping?

That accepted all the alcohol and drugs that you thumped through it. that has run with you, walked with you, swum with you? That has laid down in illness and childbirth with you? how can you hate it so?

That night I lay down and felt the pain of the scar of an emergency Caesar and cried and cried. This body that brought forth children. this body that I never give enough rest to. This body - all it's done and I am shaming it? Not very nice.

Anyway - phew! Little bit emotional there, Zig!

All I'm saying Polly is to give your body a little chance to tell you that it has stuck with you through all your experiences and is STILL here waiting for you to love it

[Kwamina]

then I stopped and looked at the bag over my shoulder and thought "How can you be so mad at this body that is dragging your heavy bag around? That is going to split you firewood? that has been dragged up hills to lookouts and made to sleep on hard ground out camping?

That accepted all the alcohol and drugs that you thumped through it. that has run with you, walked with you, swum with you? That has laid down in illness and childbirth with you? how can you hate it so?

That night I lay down and felt the pain of the scar of an emergency Caesar and cried and cried. This body that brought forth children. this body that I never give enough rest to. This body - all it's done and I am shaming it? Not very nice.

Anyway - phew! Little bit emotional there, Zig!

All I'm saying Polly is to give your body a little chance to tell you that it has stuck with you through all your experiences and is STILL here waiting for you to love it

I absolutely love what you say here Ziggidy A truly powerful example of self-acceptance!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Polly 

For now I’m interested in your experiences with dreams and nightmares… and of course all advice on this topic is very welcome.

One of the things that drove me into therapy to work on childhood issues were the constant dreams I had. I didn't have them every night, but over the years it was consistent and very troubling to me. Lately I've been struggling with them significantly more than in the past several months, and I don't know why. I have nightmares or bad dreams (not sure what separates them as being one or the other) off and on, but not usually this often.

My T had some interesting thoughts to share with me this week about the increase in my bad dreams. He pointed out that I have 3 or 4 very heavy stresses going on in my life right now. When the limbic system of my brain looks back to find other times in my life that I experienced similar stresses, guess what? It takes me back to my childhood trauma and here I am, having dreams connected to my past triggered by the current events in my life. I hope that makes sense. It certainly disrupts our sleep when we have them!

I think Zig makes a good point, that you need to let your brain rest sometimes from the hard work of healing that we are doing. We live in a society that thinks McDonald's speed of delivery is normal, and we almost expect to have the same results with our mental healing. I was anxious for this too when I began therapy, but now I've settled into a certain speed and am okay with it. It's super important to go to those safe places and allow yourself to rest. You'll actually heal quicker when you enjoy a few things safely as you can. It can seem hard or next to impossible to find those things at first. I know it was for me, and I still struggle in 'allowing' myself to enjoy them. I have a list now, and when I remember to pull it out, there are things I can chose from to be safe and to rest, both mentally and physically. Coloring happens to be one of those things by the way!

Today I went to visit my grandson (18 months old) and so enjoyed playing ball with him, reading books to him, and enjoying his laughter and smiles. It has done wonders to slow my mind down and just be in the moment. Happy sighs... .

Wools

[polly87]

Thank you Ziggiddy, Kwamina and Wools.

Ziggiddy, I’m glad you manage to connect with little Ziggiddy. I find it hard to connect with little Polly. She’s very scared. She doesn’t trust me – she doesn’t trust any adult, because they might leave her. To be honest I don’t really know how to comfort her.

I find your story about accepting your body very moving. I’m happy you had such a wonderful moment of insight. On good days, when I look in the mirror I see that I look like my dad and I think to myself: hey, at least I’m half ok…

My T had some interesting thoughts to share with me this week about the increase in my bad dreams. He pointed out that I have 3 or 4 very heavy stresses going on in my life right now. When the limbic system of my brain looks back to find other times in my life that I experienced similar stresses, guess what? It takes me back to my childhood trauma and here I am, having dreams connected to my past triggered by the current events in my life. I hope that makes sense. It certainly disrupts our sleep when we have them!

That sure makes sense! I went through about fifteen “life events” as they call them in the past three years and that’s more than I would have liked  . And then looking back on childhood trauma in T makes those memories even more active again in my brain I suppose…

I think Zig makes a good point, that you need to let your brain rest sometimes from the hard work of healing that we are doing. We live in a society that thinks McDonald's speed of delivery is normal, and we almost expect to have the same results with our mental healing. I was anxious for this too when I began therapy, but now I've settled into a certain speed and am okay with it. It's super important to go to those safe places and allow yourself to rest. You'll actually heal quicker when you enjoy a few things safely as you can. It can seem hard or next to impossible to find those things at first. I know it was for me, and I still struggle in 'allowing' myself to enjoy them. I have a list now, and when I remember to pull it out, there are things I can chose from to be safe and to rest, both mentally and physically. Coloring happens to be one of those things by the way!

Yes people all too often expect mentally ill people to heal so quickly as if it’s just a scratch they got. In a way I’m comfortable with my healing process now that I’ve taken some steps in the right direction thanks to this board but then I'd also like to speed up... .

I tried colouring yesterday and I found it worked rather well to relax and enjoy myself. I think I should try to develop a relaxing routine for each day, as I struggle with allowing myself to relax or not.

I’m having a rough day today and I’d like to get some stuff off my chest as I reached a couple of new realisations. I hope you don’t mind my telling all this as it’s not directly related to my nightmares but it might be the cause of tonight’s ones.

Yesterday my partner came down with the flu. As usual, he wondered and wondered whether he was actually ill even though he had a slight fever. I tried to remind him that he *was*  ill and that it was just the voice of his mother with her ever-changing ideas of what distinguishes health and illness. I found it hard to deal with the feeling of powerlessness that this evoked in me as I felt I couldn't help him.

This morning, he was still ill and I tried to take care of him by suggesting he should go back to bed or lay on the couch or something but he refused. I still felt so powerless from the day before and I also felt guilty as if he had gotten ill by my fault or something… my uBPDm used to tell me that it was my fault when I got ill so there’s a twist in my mind about that…

So I felt guilty and powerless and I got so angry with myself. I hurt myself and my partner got very angry with me (as he always does when I hurt myself) and he said he didn’t have the energy to comfort me. After some time, I had the presence of mind to call a helpline and the lady on the phone told me that it wasn’t my fault when I hurt myself and she suggested not apologising this time and see what happened.

Then I went downstairs to him and didn’t apologise. Nothing happened at first but then I suddenly realised that his anger at my self-harming echoes the anger of my uBPDm at my emotions (in particular depression and anger). This time it was even more like the past because my partner said he couldn’t comfort me and that reminded me of uBPDm being self-centred all the time (although of course my partner couldn’t help it because he was ill).

I feel like I am struck down by this insight. I suddenly see why I haven’t been able to stop self-harming till this date. It’s like he’s punishing me for my feelings of guilt and anger by being angry with me, just like my uBPDm used to punish me for feeling down or angry. I felt angry with him for a moment but I don’t know how to discuss this with him in a safe manner. I really don’t want to get triggered again soon.

Thanks for listening to me