How long does it take to detach from a failed BPD/NPD relationship?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My wife filed for divorce today and I feel shattered but determined that there is health and happiness in life. That I can recover and find happiness. It' s been a shocking experience to go through this buy I am optimistic

How long does it take in general to detach and feel some sense of normalcy

[Moselle]

My wife filed for divorce today and I feel shattered but determined that there is health and happiness in life. That I can recover and find happiness. It' s been a shocking experience to go through this buy I am optimistic

How long does it take in general to detach and feel some sense of normalcy

[jhkbuzz]

My wife filed for divorce today and I feel shattered but determined that there is health and happiness in life. That I can recover and find happiness. It' s been a shocking experience to go through this buy I am optimistic

How long does it take in general to detach and feel some sense of normalcy

I read somewhere on these boards that, normally, it's one month for every year of the r/s, but two months for every year in the case of a r/s with a pwBPD.

[downwhim]

Ok, that said I have 16 months with my ex fiancé memories. I have almost 4 months done so 12 months to go... .

[Clearmind]

In hindsight, and I'm 4 years post break up - I would love to have had a finite timeframe on it but it's tricky. There is much to get through on a personal level before I got "over it".

To move through it I needed to work on some very specific issues and then figure out what got me into my relationship to begin with. I saw lots of red flags and stayed. Find your reasons for staying and then heal. You will then detach and hopefully not attach to another Borderline.

All the best.

[Mike-X]

It would be fantastic if someone could put a definite or even approximate number on it. However, it seems that there are too many variables to consider. It might depend on the length of the relationship, the intensity of the love/experiences/idealization/FOG/etc., whether one was able to maintain some independence and a support group, quality of the support afterward, investment in reading and learning, your own self-esteem, etc. I read somewhere that extreme anger or extreme hurt were predictors of it taking longer to heal, but I will have to find that reference again.

Welcome to recovery.   

[SWLSR]

Mike

i like ur comment on extreme hurt and extreme anger I jad both it took me two uears after the divorce to be final for it too that to stop.  but it did and now i look back on it and know I survived the experience.  But like an amputation i will never be whole agaon.

[letmeout]

Three years out for me after 35 yrs. The first year was hard, the second year got better, and the third year I have all but forgotten my ex.

I can never forget his disordered behaviors though and the lasting effects on me, which is why I still come to the boards. As for the person himself, he was just a fake person with fabulous acting abilities. Now he is just a distant memory.

My best advice is maintaining no contact. That was a tremendous help for me because I didn't trust myself not to get sucked backed in with all of the lies and manipulations.

[raisins3142]

The X months per Y year assumes a linear relationship.

I'm inclined to think it is nonlinear, meaning that the difference in recovery between 1 year and 2 years is greater than between 35 years and 36.

I dated my BPD for 6 intense months and about 3 months out I am just now doing pretty well.  But maybe I'm the exception.

[misty_red]

I had only been together five months with her. The final discard happened by the end of July. I still am kinda attached. Not how stron I used to be, It's gotten better very much but still, I sometimes think of her and have these moments when I feel like havin contact with her again (I haven't contacted her yet though).

[Moselle]

Thanks for your feedback folks. I've got 14 years and three young kids invested. This is going to be tough.

[BorisAcusio]

It depends on how you define detachment. Two years seems common after a long relationship with a pwBPD.

[jhkbuzz]

Ok, that said I have 16 months with my ex fiancé memories. I have almost 4 months done so 12 months to go... .

Same exact time frame here.  To give you some hope, I've noticed a world of difference between the way I felt at four months out versus six months out... .time definitely helps. 

[drummerboy]

I don't agree with this at all. It's different for everyone. My r/s was only 5 months, 12 months since we split and I'm still here trying to detach fully!

My wife filed for divorce today and I feel shattered but determined that there is health and happiness in life. That I can recover and find happiness. It' s been a shocking experience to go through this buy I am optimistic

How long does it take in general to detach and feel some sense of normalcy

I read somewhere on these boards that, normally, it's one month for every year of the r/s, but two months for every year in the case of a r/s with a pwBPD.

[CloseToFreedom]

4,5 years (with 10 or so recycles, but still, I was faitful to her for 4,5 years), and 2,5 months out now. Still very hurt and depressed. It's going to take a while.

[BorisAcusio]

I don't agree with this at all. It's different for everyone. My r/s was only 5 months, 12 months since we split and I'm still here trying to detach fully!

My wife filed for divorce today and I feel shattered but determined that there is health and happiness in life. That I can recover and find happiness. It' s been a shocking experience to go through this buy I am optimistic

How long does it take in general to detach and feel some sense of normalcy

I read somewhere on these boards that, normally, it's one month for every year of the r/s, but two months for every year in the case of a r/s with a pwBPD.

These relationships uncover deep FOO issues, that's why we were drawn to them in the first place. Realistically, it takes years to deal with them, regardless the length of the interaction.

[oortcloud]

It depends how successful you are at setting boundaries and putting yourself first - something I'd say most of us aren't used to. I'm 7 months out, 3.5 months NC. I agree it gets better with time, but I've recently had a setback and miss my ex like crazy. No idea why. I think it'll take me at least a year to be fully detached.

[iluminati]

The detachment part was easy for me.  Since I was the one who pulled the trigger, I was able to leave at a moment of my own choosing.  What has taken longer is getting used to the lack of chaos and seeing things for what they are.  I have split up from my exBPDw about a year and a half ago, and it's only been in the past 6 weeks or so that I've able to fully realize how crazy things were.  It's not that I somehow thought things were "normal", because otherwise, I wouldn't have filed for divorce.  It took some time back in the normal dating world, dealing with normal dating drama to realize how insane my exBPDw's behavior truly was. 

Getting over that has made for a rough few weeks.  Realizing that there are people out there who are that hurt to the point where they'll do anything to anyone to ease the pain is hard to grasp until you get back to a normal social life without the constant pressure of being with someone with BPD.  You'd swear you were living with someone who just got back from Da Nang or Fallujah.

[BorisAcusio]

A worthwhile topic:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210471.10

[GuiltHaunted]

My take on it is a bit more pessimistic. If you are not the one who ended it, but wanted to make it work but was discarded, you will never get over it.

You will learn to live with it, memories will fade and hope/desire to get back will diminish over time. I think this is especially true if you had a parent-like role in the relationship.

Might be a harsh comparison, but if a parent loses a child, will they ever get over it? Will they ever forget? No, but they will learn to live with it and they will be able to lead happy lives later on, but the memory will always be there.

I was in a 4 year R/S and close to 2 years out, 13+ months N/C. I am doing well, I am not sad every day, I laugh, I live my life, I do new things, I meet new people - I like my life! But I still think of her daily and occasionally the thought of contacting her has to be repressed.

[mywifecrazy]

I don't think you can use a formula to figure out how long to recover. Some people NEVER recover. Ever meet someone who is just bitter and angry all the time? Chances are they never recovered from something. The key is YOU! Not your BPDx

I was married to my uBPDxw for 18 Yrs. It's now been 20 months since she abandoned me and my 2 sons. The first 8 months were very painful and difficult for me. Finding these boards and going NC is was got me out of the FOG and started the healing process. I'm now much healthier and stronger and ABSOLUTELY happier without my X now that I know the truth about her. The only pain I have now is seeing my kids being hurt trying to have a good relationship with Mom.

The key is YOU. use NC to take your focus off of her and back on to you. YOU do the work to find the peace and happiness you deserve. But don't rush it either, process your feelings. if you're sad angry, etc. accept them feelings and allow them to happen or it all come back later in life to bite you in the ass! The only person you can help and change is yourself and no one else can change you not even BPD unless you allow them to. In other words your happiness is only determined by you! That's the most important lesson I've learned in this whole mess… I will never allow another person to determine my health and happiness the power lies within me and I will never hand that power over to another human being! Can you say BOUNDARIES

For me I did the sometimes painful work on focusing on myself and what was unhealthy about me in the relationship and now 18 months later I feel like a new man much better than I was even before I met my uBPDxw. The only thing left for me to completely recover is to move... .Because my crazy ex has moved in across the street from me with my neighbor  

Sometimes you just have to laugh! 12 Months ago I wouldn't have been laughing I would have been very angry... .A definite sign that I'm on the right path


MWC... .

[Turkish]

That's a long time, and with kids, it may seem like it's longer. I'm 6 years, with D2 and S5. She moved out a year ago. I'm still detaching, but luckily, our legal drama was minimal. Other than paying her a reverse-dowry (severance) to move out, and then working through custody, it was fairly smooth, and using the communication tools here and advice certainly helped reduce the drama. It was up to me do take control of the drama side, because as in the r/s, her behavior often depended upon how I reacted. That won't change.

You've got quite a haul ahead of you, Moselle, but it will get better eventually. Unfortunately, for those of us that are left, it can be a pain that never quite heals, but more like scars over. Time does make it better, and we're here with you as you go through it.

Focus on what needs to be done in the meantime, and I know this is very hard to remain Wisemind when you're dealing with such strong emotions. Protect yourself, and handle it like business, because that's what it is for now.