Feeling blah.

[willtimeheal]

I am well over a 100 days out of my relationship with my BPDgf. I haven't spoken to her since October. My life has been moving forward and I have been happy and enjoying myself. I enjoy the freedom of being able to see my friends and answer text messages without being raged at. I enjoy being able to get back into going to the gym and getting ahead at work. My life has taken off and I know that. I wouldnt trade it for anything.

The last couple of days have been hard. I find myself thinking and even dreaming about my ex. It doesn't consume me but it bothers me that it takes up space in my head. I have been feeling more blah because of it. Her birthday is coming up and I wonder if that is a trigger. Is it normal to get in a rut like this?  I have been really happy and enjoying myself. Why now?

[Technique]

I am a similar time out of the relationship.

'Triggers' ... I know exactly what you mean. I have them quite often. All kinds of things, songs, food, even tv shows.

I forgive myself for reflecting on some of the time I spent with her. I sometimes daydream for days about the good times, but I know I'm in a far better place in my life without her in it.

Keep at it, you're doing fine.

[fromheeltoheal]

Is it normal to get in a rut like this?

I say it's not a rut, it can just take longer to detach than we really wanted.  I wanted to be over her and on with my life within a few months of leaving her, I was making travel plans and thinking about the future, all of that, but in reality it took a year.  Granted I still did what I wanted to do, but she was on my mind for a long time; the psychic affect of these relationships can be more extreme than we thought, and it takes time to unravel and process all that.  These are core wounds imposed by a mentally ill person.  I used to dream about her a lot, always a variation of the same dream, and my belief is that was my brain processing it to make sense of her, me and the relationship, and the rewiring took a while.  And then one day the dreaming stopped and I haven't dreamt about her in a long time; it takes what it takes.

So hang in there, maybe it's not a rut, it's just a process that is taking longer than you thought it would.  Keep moving forward, you got this.

[willtimeheal]

Thanks for replying. I remind myself over and over that my life is so much happier and fuller now.  I don't ever want to go back and I know that she is toxic for me. I just found myself asking... .why all of a sudden is she on my mind more than usual?  Why do I feel like I miss her when she put me thru hell?  I find that I have been wondering lately if she misses or thinks about me. I know I am looking for validation that I mattered to her.

Heel and Tech... .You both are right... .I got this. It's just hard. Thanks for replying and for the support.

[jhkbuzz]

Thanks for replying. I remind myself over and over that my life is so much happier and fuller now.  I don't ever want to go back and I know that she is toxic for me. I just found myself asking... .why all of a sudden is she on my mind more than usual?  Why do I feel like I miss her when she put me thru hell?  I find that I have been wondering lately if she misses or thinks about me. I know I am looking for validation that I mattered to her.

Heel and Tech... .You both are right... .I got this. It's just hard. Thanks for replying and for the support.

Don't forget, you are still cycling through the stages of grief.  I would go for DAYS feeling great, and then suddenly get blindsided and feel like ___ for a few days.  It WILL pass. Things WILL get better.

[HappyNihilist]

 

willtimeheal, it sounds like you've done a lot of healing and have been enjoying life, which is awesome!  Don't think of days like this as a setback at all.

Her birthday coming up certainly could be a trigger for these feelings. It makes sense that she would be on your mind more.

Is it normal to get in a rut like this?

I say it's not a rut, it can just take longer to detach than we really wanted.

I agree... .remember, the healing process is just that, a process. It takes a while, and it's not linear. It's normal to sometimes "cycle back" -- it doesn't mean we've lost our progress at all.

And then one day the dreaming stopped and I haven't dreamt about her in a long time; it takes what it takes.

So hang in there, maybe it's not a rut, it's just a process that is taking longer than you thought it would.  Keep moving forward, you got this.

I know I am looking for validation that I mattered to her.

Our feelings are trying to tell us important things about ourselves.

Why is this important to you? Why do you need validation that you mattered to her?

[willtimeheal]

HappyNihlllst... .

I don't know why all of a sudden after all this time I feel the need for validation. I have an incredible family, friends, successful career. I finally appreciate all of these things and I realize how good and amazing I am and what my exBPD let go of. I have worked on this in therapy. I now knkw  I can accomplish anything I put my mind and heart into.

I my mind knows she is disordered but the last few days I have wondered if I ever mattered to her. I wonder how she could just toss me aside like trash. How she could continually lie and cheat as if it were nothing. I feel that her birthday and Valentine's day has triggered me.  I just need to keep pushing thru.

[HappyNihilist]

I don't know why all of a sudden after all this time I feel the need for validation. I have an incredible family, friends, successful career. I finally appreciate all of these things and I realize how good and amazing I am and what my exBPD let go of. I have worked on this in therapy. I now knkw  I can accomplish anything I put my mind and heart into.

This is great that you're realizing these things now.

my mind knows she is disordered but the last few days I have wondered if I ever mattered to her. I wonder how she could just toss me aside like trash. How she could continually lie and cheat as if it were nothing.

What impact would it have if you and the relationship didn't matter to her?

If she were to tell you, "You never mattered to me" - how would that affect you?