Six months post break-up

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Hello bpdfamily,

 Six months ago my two year r/s with a pwBPD came to a sudden abrupt end.  She walked on me but still managed to linger in my life.  I was devastated, we had been planning a wedding and up until the sudden psychotic episode I had thought that things were pretty good.  I had been in a FOG since the initial love-bombing stage.  Things in the r/s seemed perfect at first, I have finally met that someone that got me (FOO issues?).  There were red flags at first, a few white lies here and there but I tend to give people too many chances.  A few months in I told her, "I love you."   That very day I started to notice a change.  Little by little she was less and less enthusiastic.  I made so many excuses for this blaming it on the gypsy-caravan sized pile of baggage her life came with.  Maybe it is stress, hormones, a thyroid issue.  She had mentioned having BPD traits but I never really looked at that too closely until it was all over.  The r/s became a black-hole of effort for me.  I went the whole nine yards to take care of her, I kept thinking surely it I am a great man that she will come out of this funk and that girl that I fell in love with will show back up.  That never happened.  Things went in cycles, getting gradually worse with each.  At first sexual intimacy became less and less frequent.  Then intimacy in general.  I kiss was too much to ask.  A hug was met with contempt.  Oh how I should have run then but I wanted to believe that a little more dedication, a little more patience, a little more love would push through this.  I lost myself trying to fix the r/s and her never ending problems.  I suppose that me sticking around was due to a lack of confidence, a streak of codependency and a yet unrealized core wound from my own FOO issues.

 When the whole thing came to a sudden, abrupt end I was devastated.  I couldn't believe what was happening, it was just too crazy to make sense.  People simply didn't behave this way, surely?  Even after the split I kept telling myself that surely she will come to her senses, no (healthy) woman would walk away from a decent, patient, loving career oriented man that only weeks before had been her "rock" and so many other sweet nothings.  I have spent 5 of the last 6 months going through the stages of grief.  The first two months I was completely shattered, came real close to choosing a very poor final solution to the grief.  

 I realized that I was in over my head and spent 3 months in therapy.  This turned my life around.  Finally a rational professional was able to talk me through my experience.  He was able to validate and verify that I had actually been through hell, gone above and beyond trying to understand and love this tragically broken girl.  With each visit I was able to stop looking so much at the r/s and her and start looking at myself.  I came to realize that my own FOO had led me to stay in a psychologically abusive r/s. I have realized that all I can really do is work on my own issues and let go of everything else.  I this new year I feel that I am finally slowly creeping into acceptance.  The thoughts of anger and bargaining become less and less frequent and slowly I see that my persistent dream (nightmare?) of being able to fix all the wrongs and return to that bliss of idealization is an exercise in futility.  As I still see the dBPDex frequently I have been able to quietly observe her behavior, seeing the BPD phases from the outside in this time.  :)espite it all I haven't allowed myself to become a vengeful ass.  I have refrained from screaming from the rooftops that she is a crazy b___ though the urge has been so strong at times.  I just have to let go, stop worrying about her problems and keep working on myself.

 Through this soul crushing experience I found myself stripped down to a shell of myself - barely able to work and just go through the motions of maintaining my household for half this time.  A funny treasure found in all this pain is that I have been laid so bare that I can take a long hard look at myself and my own issues.  I have learned more about myself in the last 6 months that the previous 31 years of my life.  I feel I have become a more defined person and I know what things I really need to work on more than anything to prevent ever experiencing something like this again.  I still tend to keep to myself outside of work.  I go see my father once a week and keep in touch with old friends but even before this r/s my social circle had been cut small due to me choosing a sober lifestyle and leaving behind all the party people of my 20s.  The most peculiar thing to me is that I do not hate my ex.  I have felt anger but never hate.  In fact I still deeply care but that has come with a healthy level of divorce and the grim resignation that only she can work on her.

 Six months out after 25 months of time in BPD land and I think that thing are finally over the hill of recovery.  I still have a long way to go.  At this point I need to completely rebuild my social circle as the ex seems to be the final sour note in all those party people I had begun to walk away from 3 years ago.  One thing that has stood out to me in the feverish reading I have done in this recovery is a saying:

 Some people come into your life to teach you how to let go.

That is a lesson I have needed for a long time and I finally got hit hard enough for it to slowly sink in.

[Suzn]

I always look for the like button reading posts such as yours.  

So glad to hear you are doing well.

[JRT]

Ours is a similar story in many respects... .glad that you are doing much better... .

[Mike-X]

Thanks for sharing your story. I agree with the need for a 'like' button, too.