My mom... what a mess

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So, pretty sure my mom has BPD. Not sure if she's ever had a formal diagnosis, she won't see psychologists anyways - they are out to get her. My therapists through the years are pretty convinced though.

I'm not even sure where to start except that my mom is just a complete mess.

Almost 20 years ago, she suffered a pretty debilitating stroke (she was young, in her early 40s). She didn't make the best recovery either, but she's still around - suffering. And, the stroke, in her words was my fault because I went left her and went away to college and she was so stressed about that.  Most parents are proud of their kids for going to college, but that wasn't really the case with my mom since I let her. Her stroke happened the weekend I moved into my dorm. My dad pretty much dropped her off at the hospital, took me to college, and then came back. She was in the hospital for two weeks before they even diagnosed her with having a stroke. So, she "recovered" at home, if you can call it that. My dad lives with her still - they are married, but it's not much of a marriage. Yesterday she told me he told her he doesn't love her anymore, but who knows if he really said that. I can never really sort through what is real and what is not from what she tells me. My dad is her primary caregiver, but he does the minimal amount possible helping and taking care of her. He's not the most caring person, he's pretty simple too. And, you know, I think he's just kind of done with her. So, she's been a roller coaster forever and the stroke just exasperated all of this. My dad has been through hell and back with her pre and post stroke. 3 suicide attempts, drug rehab for pill addiction, you name it pre-stroke. These were my earliest childhood memories - visiting mom in rehab. I guess I was home alone with her during at least one of the attempts when I was a toddler. Perhaps, that's why I'm so independent?

So after "abandoning her" for college - I lived at home with her after college for about a year. We had some nice times and very difficult times together during that year. I helped her quit smoking and also stop taking some of her meds and she seemed to do better. I would make a great drug counselor after that summer. However, living there really started taking a toll because even though I was actually living in their basement, it still wasn't good enough. I used too much laundry detergent, I talked on their phone too much, etc. So, I moved out of state for grad school, career, husband, etc... I am an extremely independent person and needed to go experience life. I think my extreme independent tendencies are really a way to just fight the attachment issues from my mom. Today - several years later, I still live out of state and am reminded on a regular basis how I abandoned her. Her sister's kids moved down the street from their family and I left mine. How dare I do that?

On top of all this mess, she's been on and off several meds through the years, and I mean SEVERAL. I'm not sure anyone, even her doctors, really even know what she is on these days. And, she doesn't take anything as prescribed. She's kind of a nightmare patient for any doctor too. Sometimes she is delusional and has hallucinations - like this past Christmas when she was convinced there was some sort of nuclear meltdown going on and it was messing with her computer and tv channels. Or, at my baby shower a few years ago and she started talking to me like I was some sort of stranger. She didn't even know who I was at my own baby shower. I never really know why she has these delusions, I just assume it is a mix of the mental, stroke stuff and meds.

So, on top of BPD, the medical and medicine issues make this such a mess. Her life is sad, very sad. Every few months, I go on "suicide watch" for her as she will call me in the morning before I start work and tell me it's time. I struggle through my meetings all day, while I check throughout the day to see if she's been on Facebook, and then I know she is still there. There is no one to call and check on her - she has pushed away every family member, neighbor, or friend. According to her, they all hate her and are out to get her.

I think through the years, I've learned to filter the guilt some. I know I didn't cause her stroke by going to college. I'm ok at setting boundaries, probably could do better. I think where I'm at now is the grief and sadness that I don't have a "normal" mother or a "normal" grandmother for my daughter. And, I never will. I am so deeply sad for her and her life too. It's hard to watch. But, I don't feel like I can express this emotion to anyone or anywhere. I'm a mom of a four year-old and have a demanding career - when do I have time to be sad? I also want to help, but I don't know how.

And, for the past few years, being far away from her has actually caused me more stress. It's such a production to visit for Christmas or other times and when we are at her house and if we are on the roller coaster low, there really is no where to go - we feel stuck. We can't just pack up everything and leave. It would almost be better to be able to have a relationship with her where I can see her in smaller spurts on my time, and if I don't want my husband and daughter to see her too, they don't have to. So, we are contemplating moving back home. It would be nice to have a relationship with my dad and brother who are there too, but I will need to do some serious boundary setting with her. My brother lives in the same town as her, but he checked out long ago. He is good for support because he knows my mom and how she is. We do have to communicate in secret though because she turns every conversation we have into us talking about what a bad mom she is. Oh, and according to her, he hates me and talks bad about me all the time (oh yeah, and my dad does too).

So, I'll end there for now as I'm starting to feel guilty for not working - lots of guilty feelings in this mind. Thanks for listening to my mess.

[scarlettbegonia]

So, pretty sure my mom has BPD. Not sure if she's ever had a formal diagnosis, she won't see psychologists anyways - they are out to get her. My therapists through the years are pretty convinced though.

I'm not even sure where to start except that my mom is just a complete mess.

Almost 20 years ago, she suffered a pretty debilitating stroke (she was young, in her early 40s). She didn't make the best recovery either, but she's still around - suffering. And, the stroke, in her words was my fault because I went left her and went away to college and she was so stressed about that.  Most parents are proud of their kids for going to college, but that wasn't really the case with my mom since I let her. Her stroke happened the weekend I moved into my dorm. My dad pretty much dropped her off at the hospital, took me to college, and then came back. She was in the hospital for two weeks before they even diagnosed her with having a stroke. So, she "recovered" at home, if you can call it that. My dad lives with her still - they are married, but it's not much of a marriage. Yesterday she told me he told her he doesn't love her anymore, but who knows if he really said that. I can never really sort through what is real and what is not from what she tells me. My dad is her primary caregiver, but he does the minimal amount possible helping and taking care of her. He's not the most caring person, he's pretty simple too. And, you know, I think he's just kind of done with her. So, she's been a roller coaster forever and the stroke just exasperated all of this. My dad has been through hell and back with her pre and post stroke. 3 suicide attempts, drug rehab for pill addiction, you name it pre-stroke. These were my earliest childhood memories - visiting mom in rehab. I guess I was home alone with her during at least one of the attempts when I was a toddler. Perhaps, that's why I'm so independent?

So after "abandoning her" for college - I lived at home with her after college for about a year. We had some nice times and very difficult times together during that year. I helped her quit smoking and also stop taking some of her meds and she seemed to do better. I would make a great drug counselor after that summer. However, living there really started taking a toll because even though I was actually living in their basement, it still wasn't good enough. I used too much laundry detergent, I talked on their phone too much, etc. So, I moved out of state for grad school, career, husband, etc... I am an extremely independent person and needed to go experience life. I think my extreme independent tendencies are really a way to just fight the attachment issues from my mom. Today - several years later, I still live out of state and am reminded on a regular basis how I abandoned her. Her sister's kids moved down the street from their family and I left mine. How dare I do that?

On top of all this mess, she's been on and off several meds through the years, and I mean SEVERAL. I'm not sure anyone, even her doctors, really even know what she is on these days. And, she doesn't take anything as prescribed. She's kind of a nightmare patient for any doctor too. Sometimes she is delusional and has hallucinations - like this past Christmas when she was convinced there was some sort of nuclear meltdown going on and it was messing with her computer and tv channels. Or, at my baby shower a few years ago and she started talking to me like I was some sort of stranger. She didn't even know who I was at my own baby shower. I never really know why she has these delusions, I just assume it is a mix of the mental, stroke stuff and meds.

So, on top of BPD, the medical and medicine issues make this such a mess. Her life is sad, very sad. Every few months, I go on "suicide watch" for her as she will call me in the morning before I start work and tell me it's time. I struggle through my meetings all day, while I check throughout the day to see if she's been on Facebook, and then I know she is still there. There is no one to call and check on her - she has pushed away every family member, neighbor, or friend. According to her, they all hate her and are out to get her.

I think through the years, I've learned to filter the guilt some. I know I didn't cause her stroke by going to college. I'm ok at setting boundaries, probably could do better. I think where I'm at now is the grief and sadness that I don't have a "normal" mother or a "normal" grandmother for my daughter. And, I never will. I am so deeply sad for her and her life too. It's hard to watch. But, I don't feel like I can express this emotion to anyone or anywhere. I'm a mom of a four year-old and have a demanding career - when do I have time to be sad? I also want to help, but I don't know how.

And, for the past few years, being far away from her has actually caused me more stress. It's such a production to visit for Christmas or other times and when we are at her house and if we are on the roller coaster low, there really is no where to go - we feel stuck. We can't just pack up everything and leave. It would almost be better to be able to have a relationship with her where I can see her in smaller spurts on my time, and if I don't want my husband and daughter to see her too, they don't have to. So, we are contemplating moving back home. It would be nice to have a relationship with my dad and brother who are there too, but I will need to do some serious boundary setting with her. My brother lives in the same town as her, but he checked out long ago. He is good for support because he knows my mom and how she is. We do have to communicate in secret though because she turns every conversation we have into us talking about what a bad mom she is. Oh, and according to her, he hates me and talks bad about me all the time (oh yeah, and my dad does too).

So, I'll end there for now as I'm starting to feel guilty for not working - lots of guilty feelings in this mind. Thanks for listening to my mess.

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, scarlettbegonia,



I think you'll find a ton of people here who know what it's like to deal with all the craziness that comes from having a parent with undiagnosed BPD. Your mom sounds an awful lot like mine... .!

There are some really great tools on this site to help with teasing out the details to build your own best boundaries. There's one recommendation I'd give you, based on advice given to me about my uBPDmom and uBPDmother-in-law - if they're saying suicidal things, call 911 on them. Every time. Before you try to make them feel better or anything. Because if it's just posturing, they will learn that it doesn't work to reel you in for a day of intense support; and if it's a real threat, the emergency responders are far more able than you to get your mom the help she needs to stay alive.

Doing that instead of trying to manage their emotions for them made my life so much better.

[Kwamina]

Hi scarlettbegonia

I would like to join claudiaduffy in welcoming you here

The situation with your mother is complex. Whatever you decide to do, having firm boundaries with your mother will definitely be important. You mention your independence and have also wondered if this was a reaction to the attachment issues caused by your mom. You also say being ok at setting boundaries but that you could do better. Do you feel like you're comfortable setting and enforcing boundaries with your mother? Perhaps it might be of some help to you taking a look at the following information we got here about boundaries:

Boundaries and Values

Examples of boundaries