Bad Dreams

[Cloudy Days]

Things have been ok for awhile with me and my husband. He's been on medication and actually has been acting like a relatively normal person. However, he has bad dreams about me a lot of the time. He takes these dreams as the truth. He seems to think his dreams tell the future and why would he have the same kinds of dreams all the time, over and over. I know that it is because he has trust problems, he's dreaming about being abandoned the way I see it.

He turns very mean to me anytime I try to ease his mind that it is just a dream and not reality. How can I ease his mind without him turning on me?

This was my last response: I'm sorry you are having bad dreams. Please know that they aren't true, you are my everything, I love you.

He sends a F U

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ColdEthyl]

*sigh*

My dBPDh has bad dreams. For years he kept saying how I would get mad at him for something in a dream... .which is not a thing I have ever done. Then after a few years... .he tells me HE has been angry at me for dreams sometimes.

Telling him "please know they are not true" to a pwBPD translates to "Your fears are stupid. Quit being stupid."

Pushing every sentence through a BPD filter is a pain in the a%$, but it's necessary so they can know what you mean... .not what they hear.

When my H has bad dreams... .I say "I am sorry you had a bad dream. It sucks when you have a bad dream that gives you terrible feelings"

[Grey Kitty]

Yup. What you said was invalidating his very real feelings/concerns.

That the dream isn't really foretelling the future doesn't matter.

What matters is that he's really feeling something now. (Which was triggered by a dream)

Validate his feelings. If he is afraid you will leave him, you can validate how scary that feeling is.

If you aren't sure what he's feeling, you can ask him about how the dream left him feeling. Asking about it like that is validating too.

[Cloudy Days]

I did come back with a "I know dreams can feel very real, I have gotten very upset over my dreams before." It didn't make him stop I think I had already done the damage, but he calmed down and actually went and got our car fixed. Which is big for him, he doesn't trust mechanics.

[ColdEthyl]

I did come back with a "I know dreams can feel very real, I have gotten very upset over my dreams before." It didn't make him stop I think I had already done the damage, but he calmed down and actually went and got our car fixed. Which is big for him, he doesn't trust mechanics.

Yeah he was already riled up about the first attempt, most likely. Hey it's ok! We are all learning and are going to say things wrong... .keep up the good work

[Jessica84]

I did come back with a "I know dreams can feel very real, I have gotten very upset over my dreams before." It didn't make him stop I think I had already done the damage, but he calmed down and actually went and got our car fixed. Which is big for him, he doesn't trust mechanics.

Yeah he was already riled up about the first attempt, most likely. Hey it's ok! We are all learning and are going to say things wrong... .keep up the good work

I second that. Sounds like you did very well! Think how much worse it would've been if you hadn't learned some tools here.

I mean let's face it, getting "F U" to "I love U" is not exactly the typical response. Before learning about BPD, my immediate reaction would've been "F U 2"! I'm guessing this is what they mean by making things worse?    Even knowing what I know now, it would take my brain a few extra steps out of that landmine... .1- to get over the shock... .2- to remember not to take it personal... .3- to reply half as well as you did. And so quickly. Good job!

[waverider]

is he open to discussing the feelings he is having in the dreams and what you both think it may represent, rather that the details of the dream... .In othe words talk about say abandonment feelings in general, rather than YOU leaving.

Take it off script and back to underlying motivators.

Dreams are triggered by daily emotions, but often expressed as analogies in dreams to make order out of vagueness (we all use analogies for that purpose). Problem is pwBPD struggle with analogies and tend to take them literally... Hence they take dreams literally.

[Cloudy Days]

is he open to discussing the feelings he is having in the dreams and what you both think it may represent, rather that the details of the dream... .In othe words talk about say abandonment feelings in general, rather than YOU leaving.

Take it off script and back to underlying motivators.

Dreams are triggered by daily emotions, but often expressed as analogies in dreams to make order out of vagueness (we all use analogies for that purpose). Problem is pwBPD struggle with analogies and tend to take them literally... Hence they take dreams literally.

The problem with trying to discuss the dreams is that he feels they are predictions of the future. He has always thought this. It's sort of worthless to try and get to the root of his feelings about them because I just get accused of doing the things in his dreams.

He is currently having some sort of meltdown. We spent $690 to fix our car to find out it needed $1400 more done to it. The car is only worth about $3000 in working condition. We had actually wanted to get rid of this car soon but don't want to take a loan out at this moment. He has also been stress eating anything and everything terrible for him. Causing him to have aweful stomach aches. Then causing him to turn on me because he makes a huge ordeal about the stomach aches waking me up 4 times last night to get sympathy from me and obviously I am annoyed being woken up 4 times. So now he is throwing tons of insults at me through text messages, I have stopped texting back and he told me it is over.

I just get so sick of this not being a partnership. It's him against me as he sees it, especially when bad things happen. We should stick together and support each other, but he turns on me. It's just exhausting. The most stressful moments of life you should be backed by the one that you love and I never get that.

[ColdEthyl]

is he open to discussing the feelings he is having in the dreams and what you both think it may represent, rather that the details of the dream... .In othe words talk about say abandonment feelings in general, rather than YOU leaving.

Take it off script and back to underlying motivators.

Dreams are triggered by daily emotions, but often expressed as analogies in dreams to make order out of vagueness (we all use analogies for that purpose). Problem is pwBPD struggle with analogies and tend to take them literally... Hence they take dreams literally.

The problem with trying to discuss the dreams is that he feels they are predictions of the future. He has always thought this. It's sort of worthless to try and get to the root of his feelings about them because I just get accused of doing the things in his dreams.

My husband tends to believe this, as well. Most of his dreams are always some sort of frustration like... .he's trying to dig a hole but he can't get anywhere. He's trying to find me but he can't... .stuff like that.

What I do is just listen to him and tell him it sucks to feel that way. That's all you can do. Once he sees that whatever he thinks you are going to do doesn't happen, it will become a non-issue. You don't have to talk about the deeper meaning of his dreams with him. You know where they are coming from... .and why.

[kikimo]

Hey, I don't know the correct answer and advise you to not take my advice unless you think it is helpful, because I don't know too much about validating other people's feelings.

I either have cptsd or a mild case of borderline (maybe just fleas or tendencies), that has gotten better over time, but my dreams are very real to me. They are very frightening. I *know* they are not real, but my mind tells me they are because they are so vivid and emotion stirring. I have even more vivid and disturbing dreams at times of high anxiety. What helped me, was actually going to look up what dreams mean. I was surprised that many dreams mean something totally different than what they appear to. Is that something he'd consider? *note, I might look them up before hand to keep from triggering anything just in case* I have woke up from dreams that influence my ability to sleep for 2 weeks.

If you look up abandonment, it says that it's your fear of losing someone, the process of healing, leaving old attitudes behind or unresolved childhood problems etc... That might be triggering? But it would tell me that the problem is me, not my partner (but you have to understand, I don't have extreme abandonment fears, but I do have them)

My BF has what I'd consider a higher functioning case of BPD, but more extreme "symptoms" than I have. He likes when I point out things like these in a "nurturing" way... but again, he doesn't get trigger too easily as some might would.

[waverider]

I think because pwBPD have such strong emotional overreactions the emotions experienced in dreams are extreme and dont dissapate as quickly on waking up. Even if they know it was only a dream they can't let it go as then the emotion has nothing tangible to hang on. pwBPD needs reasons and accountability for everything. Hence they hang on to the dream to justify the emotion.

Only way to let this go is to transfer that emotion onto something real. If this cant  be onto something other than you, you will be wearing it.

I dont cop this much now, but it is all hung on her family.

[Cloudy Days]

I have actually tried looking up the meaning of the dreams. And your spouse cheating on you or running away from you means you have abandonment fears. He doesn't believe in the meanings of dreams, because this would make him flawed. He isn't going to admit to the truth of the abandonment fears even though both him and I know they are there and they are what causes most of our problems because they are so deeply rooted in him. According to him, he isn't afraid of anything. Always trying to put up the front to conceal how he really feels.

It doesn't help that his mother cheated on his father when he was a teen and then after his mother left his father for the other man, his father took his own life. His mother married the other man, and basically chose the other man over her own son and is still married to him now. He can't even go to her home because of his step father. I know why he has the issues, I know why he has the dreams. He just can't let go of the fact that I am not his mother.