The tightrope walk out the FOG

[Depression = 72% of members]

After the breakup with my uBPDex and my insight that I was in an abusive relationship I started to look at myself, my childhood, my family, my life and my unsuccessful professional career. I'm a master of self sabotage, a perfectionist, a classic procrastinator and beside my dysfunctional FOO I was my greatest enemy.  The first lesson I learned was to stop beating up myself, to take care of myself and to appreciate my achievements, even if they are far from being perfect.

The second lesson was to take responsibility for my own wrongdoings, to accept my mistakes and learn from them. But this feels like a tightrope walk and I often have the feeling to fall back into my old behaviour. When I fall down to the left side I start to beat my self up again. When I fall down to the right side I gently touch down in the cosy land of excuses: I'm not responsible for who I am, it was my abusive childhood. I like to fall down to the right side - it helps me to like myself more and to stop me from beating myself up. But on the other hand it feels like staying in the victim role.

Maybe someone of you has been through the same and has found a strategy to move on while walking on the thin line between self-deprecation and overprotection of ones self. 

[Maternus]

After the breakup with my uBPDex and my insight that I was in an abusive relationship I started to look at myself, my childhood, my family, my life and my unsuccessful professional career. I'm a master of self sabotage, a perfectionist, a classic procrastinator and beside my dysfunctional FOO I was my greatest enemy.  The first lesson I learned was to stop beating up myself, to take care of myself and to appreciate my achievements, even if they are far from being perfect.

The second lesson was to take responsibility for my own wrongdoings, to accept my mistakes and learn from them. But this feels like a tightrope walk and I often have the feeling to fall back into my old behaviour. When I fall down to the left side I start to beat my self up again. When I fall down to the right side I gently touch down in the cosy land of excuses: I'm not responsible for who I am, it was my abusive childhood. I like to fall down to the right side - it helps me to like myself more and to stop me from beating myself up. But on the other hand it feels like staying in the victim role.

Maybe someone of you has been through the same and has found a strategy to move on while walking on the thin line between self-deprecation and overprotection of ones self. 

[eeks]

I might have more to say later, but for now, read my responses on this thread, they seem on point. 

I think you might be like me, in that shame comes easily to you.  Such a person might seem like they are ranting about their past but, if investigated, are on a deeper level blaming themselves for not being worthy of love.  In that case, the subtle or not-so-subtle moralism of "victim" and "responsibility" and "excuses" just runs too close to the nerve of self-blame so another approach may be more useful, at least at the point in the process you're at right now.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=270835.0

[Maternus]

Thank you for your answer, eeks. I'm not in therapy yet, but I plan to find a T when I have some things done. You wrote about a group therapy program in the other thread - my nonBPD-ex-wife (the one I left for my uBPDex) also suggested me to try it. But I don't believe in magical healing. Therapy can show me the way, but I have to go the way myself. I'm making my baby steps over the tightrope right now and one thing I can see clearly is: If it isn't in me, not T can conjure it.