Letter from jail... I need help from BPD family

[Wood stock]

So my BPD bf has been in jail in another state for a second DUI... .I've tried hangin in there while he was there. Constant collect calls, he left me to deal with his responsibilities--his child, his finances, etc.  The other night he had yet another blow up screaming at me that "we are so f****** done!"  I took him at his word and did as he said by taking his child to his mother's and then I started packing his belongings. After several continuous days of calling me and carrying on, I blocked the number. I've had enough.

Got a letter today from him saying "What you did was cruel but you've probably already figured that out. I forgive you though."' What the heck? It is HE who has been cruel for two years--you all know the story... .cause they're all so similar.  Is this just projection? More of the "twist the facts"? What IS that? Does he REALLY believe I am the one who did something wrong? Is the BPD denial that real?  Or is it a reverse psychology ploy?

Is it his way of not having to own his 90% of the blame... .for everything? Personality disorder or not, can he seriously deny the facts in front of his face and seriously be trying to put his shame onto me when I am the ONLY person who has been there for him? REALLY?

[Maternus]

Personality disorder or not, can he seriously deny the facts in front of his face and seriously be trying to put his shame onto me when I am the ONLY person who has been there for him? REALLY?

Hi Woodstock,

I'm sorry for what you are going through. But the sad answer is: Yes, he can. Putting his shame on you is part of his disorder, he is projecting his shame on you. Projecting shame is a hallmark of BPD and other Cluster-B-PDs. 

[vortex of confusion]

Yes, he can absolutely deny the facts in front of his face. Actually, he may not be denying them as much as he is seeing them as he wants them to be rather than how they are.

How long has he been in jail? Being in jail can really aggravate an already tense person. When my brother was in prison, they would suggest that they write letters to people even if they didn't mail them. We heard all kinds of vitriol and crazy stuff.

If you want to take him at his word and be done, then it is possible for you to call the jail and put a block on any and all letters to you. Or, you can write "return to sender" on his letters. And, you can also refuse to accept any more collect calls. It is bad enough trying to reason with a person when you can actually talk to them in person. However, there is absolutely no way to understand or reason with a person that is in jail and has mental issues.

Don't get caught up in that game. Block the calls and letters and don't communicate with him at all. It will save you a lot of head ache in the long run. How long is he supposed to be in jail?

[Wood stock]

To answer Vortex... .He is nine days away from finishing a 120 sentence. Why would he want turn the apple cart completely over so close to the homecoming? I was there for him... .His blow up was over something so stupid... .and then on and on for days he went. Called his mommy (classic enabler)... .He just threw a nuclear bomb in the mix over nothing!

Seeing that he obviously had not changed or learned a darn thing, I just said, "Fine. You win... .we can be done." Now I am the bad guy?

And I'm scared to death about what happens when he gets home. Scared to death.

[Gonzalo]

Yes, really. From what I've read about and seen of BPD, the person's subconscious rewrites memories to fit feelings and to protect themselves from strong emotions.

My ex insisted that I was selfish, that I had unrealistic standards for a partner, and that we were in couple's therapy purely to fix my communication issues. Yet I was paying almost all of the bills (all for a stretch), put up with all of the shouting and arguing, got us into therapy and was the one who actually did what the therapist asked, and tried to do all kinds of special things for her. The standards for a partner were crazy things like 'one who doesn't shout at me', 'one who helps pay for the house,' 'one who doesn't tell me the relationship is over', and the like. And the therapy was to try to get the behavior from her that the therapist privately told me was 'abusive' to stop - my communication problem was that I didn't want to say anything because she'd blow up at me.

[Wood stock]

Exactly... .We are to just shut up and take it. The huge fallout I had with my BPD (while he is in jail!) was not a big deal. I just disagreed with him about something and didn't like his tone of voice and flat out told him so... .he went crazy. Absolutely crazy. After everything I have done and been for him... .it's absolutely astounding. Threw me away like a used paper plate. NOW he is furious that I have packed his things and he is not welcome in my home when he gets out... .when he is the one who said ten times how "f****** done" we were. Amazing.

[Gonzalo]

In the final big showdown, my ex- told me the relationship was over for what was around the 18th time. We had some friends over who tried to get us to reconcile, and we agreed to, then the next day she provoked a fight, tore into me, and we ended with the cake I made her in the sink and her telling me that yes, it really is over. After a week of soul-searching, I said that I'm not going to drag this out, that I couldn't see any way out and that she needed to sort out her plan to leave. At the time she made it clear that I made the right decision by arguing about she hadn't said the specific phrasing I used about not dragging it out.

Then a few weeks later we were discussing plans, I said something about 'when you broke up with me', and she said that it was incredibly mean of me to say that, and seemed thrown off when I pointed out that she had, in fact, broken up with me. I'm sure she tells people now tales of how I cruelly broke up with her on her birthday, and in her mind that's what happened.