My uBPD mother is using my vulnerable brother as her tool

[Michi]

My uBPD mother is on one of her episodes. She dissapeared on Friday, wouldn't tell any of her kids where she was. Meanwhile we are the last thing she has. My brother who has a drug and alcohol problem went to the hospital Saturday night because he over dosed. Thankfully he's alive and okay. I beleive hes a quiet BPD because he's very quiet hard working and shy. He acts one way with his friend and a different way with his family. I don't think I've ever heard him say he's mad or angry at someone. Or even was displeased with anyone. Anyway the oldest daughter and the second oldest son ( who actually cut her off) and myself the youngest of 4 have stopped allowing her to manipulate of disrupt my life with her emotional instability. I tried to tell her so many times that it's not that I don't care the problem is I care too much ! And picking up her pieces with affecting me to the point where I will not be able to function. But my brother the 3rd of 4 kids feels bad for her and talks to her and try's to help her and I know it effects him because the day after she left he almost died from mixing pills and alcohol. So while my brother  was in the hospital I had his phone and I blocked a few numbers in his phone including my mothers. I don't know if that was the right thing to do but I did it. It just makes me so angry and hateful towards her because she's always crying to him about the rest of Us not calling her and blaming us for Making her feel the way she does and i can sense the anger he has deep down inside. I tried to print out papers explains BPD and he seem compltly uninterested and didn't even finish reading it. HELP  any advice

[Kwamina]

Hi Michi

Have you heard anything from your mother since yesterday? Is this something she has done before, disappearing like that?

I am glad that your brother survived and, considering the circumstances, seems okay after the overdose. Has he ever done anything like this before?

I understand your desire to help your brother. Unfortunately there's only so much you can do though. Perhaps he at this time is just not ready yet to accept the reality of who your mother really is and what she's doing to him. Your brother doesn't seem interested in the information about BPD, but do you feel like he in the past at any time has ever acknowledged that there's something wrong with your mother? Or expressed some concerns about your mother's behavior?

How would you describe the relationship your brother has with your mother? Do you perhaps feel like there's some unhealthy form of enmeshment going on here?

[Michi]

yes, she called my brother asking about her mail that is being forwarded to my sister house. That is the exact thing that angers me because after what happened to him she shouldnt even ask him about stuff like that but since she doesn't want to call my sister or me she goes through him. That's whats pressuring him, when she is fed up with us or vice versa she only speaks to him. i heard them on the phone yesterday and he told her i cant hear you when your down and depressed. I know its taking a huge toll on him because she did that to me when i allowed her to.

I i feel hurt and helpless that she so emotionally down and there's is nothing i can do about it. And she thinks i don't love her and that i love my father more. When in reality i care way to much that i cant hear it any more because its effecting my job and my own personal relationships with friends and family. I cant walk around with her emotional baggage when i have my own. But i dont think my brother understands that. When some from a jewish orthodox family and honoring your mother and father is a commandment and while it ate me up so much i realized that honoring doesn't mean you're a doormatt to her emotional instability.

Yes, she has done this plenty of times. when things get to tough for her she runs and if she feels that we made her do it she will make us worry. One time when she ran away she wouldnt tell anyone where she was all she kept saying is "dont worry im fine" "ill be okay" Guess where she was? around the block from my house. And we worry because shes put herself in the hospital more times than i can count.

Im not sure if hes ever acknowledge to anyone that she may have issues and im not sure hes aware himself because i think hes been the most affected by her so he may have the traits of BPD if not BPD itself.Maybe when i gave him the info about BPD he quietly identified it with himself and wasnt ready to accept it. but for sure the way my mother behaves is not normal.

The relationship between my brother an mom is very much like a young boy needing his mommy. and i dont think it helps that i am kinda the women of the house ( we both live with my dad) i cook, Clean, Pay the bills. I call myself a house wife without a husband. So i think that in itself shows a huge absences of my mother because she never did any of those things. We grew up with a live in house keeper.

Im not sure what enmeshment is? please explain?

But bottom line my mother uses my brother for emotional support and to validate love and the other 3 kids stopped doing that. he babies her when he is not emotionally healthy himself. And she allows him to when she knows he has his own battles ( drugs an alohol) and her emotional garbage is more important. She told my sister right before my brother overdosed that im a b___ and she doesnt care about y ( the one who overdosed) I need to look out for myself and take care of my needs.

[Kwamina]

Thanks for answering my questions Michi.

The term enmeshment is often used to describe family dynamics where personal boundaries are kind of diffuse. It also describes the bonding within a family, whereby a child becomes sort of like a surrogate spouse for their mother or father. The way you described what's going on between your brother and mother made me think that there might be some enmeshment going on here. And what you say here also points in that direction:

But bottom line my mother uses my brother for emotional support and to validate love and the other 3 kids stopped doing that. he babies her when he is not emotionally healthy himself. And she allows him to when she knows he has his own battles ( drugs an alohol) and her emotional garbage is more important. She told my sister right before my brother overdosed that im a b___ and she doesnt care about y ( the one who overdosed) I need to look out for myself and take care of my needs.

Considering what you say here, it might be interesting to read an article we have on this site about enmeshment between a parent and child: Was Part of Your Childhood Deprived by Emotional Incest?

[Michi]

Oh I've read that article and printed it for my brother but he disregarded it. That article is what gave me the realization of how my mom is. The oldest sibilings are the chosen children. My other brother and I were the neglected children and we bond with our father a lot more than my mom, who thinks I love my dad more then her. And for many many years there was a triangle between my sister and her husband and my mom. I made an appointment to see a Psycotherapist that specializes in BPD. While I don't think I actually have it, I do beleive I have some traits that I need to fix. Like I don't think I can connect to people. The closest person to me is my sister. I'm 25 years old I've never had a bf. I can't say I have a particular person I call my best friend but thankfully I have many friends I'm close with and are a great support system when I need them. And I feel like I definitly have a battle with my sexuality. I hate dating and Ive always been close to boys more than girls. I can say I call 3 guys my close friends. And I used to think it's because I have guys as friends that stop me from going out and dating because they fulfill me emotionally and sexually I just don't care to be satisfied. But now I think it has a lot to do with the emotional abuse my mother put me through.